Walking over to the stereo I changed the music to hard rock. Cranking it up I stomped away. I wanted to break something. Jude and Craig sat looking at each other.

"FUCK!" The combination of anger and hurt was too much. "FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!"

I downed the drink. Gasped, it burned, way too much rum. I mixed another not as strong.

There was a knock on the door. Jude stood up and walked towards it. I dashed past him pushing him out of the way. Opening the door with force I looked out at Steve.

"Hi. I heard..."

"Go back upstairs!" I demanded and closed the door.

"Sam! Chill out. You can't be..."

"Jude. Shut the fuck up. Don't tell me what I can and can't do." This was not yelling. I was speaking to him loud enough he could hear over the music in a very stern controlling and demanding voice. It shut him up and I think it pissed him off. At the time I didn't give a damn. Opening the door I walked upstairs. At Steve's door I paused a moment, reached up to knock and stopped. Turning the handle I let myself in.

"What? Sam. What's going..."

Speaking in the same stern controlling voice I said, "No talking. Get on your knees. Now." What the hell was I doing?

Steve obediently got on his knees.

"You enjoyed being spanked didn't you."

Meekly and looking ashamed Steve responded. "Yes."

"Stand up."

Slowly he stood.

"Turn on your computer. Focus the camera on me and record."

I moved over to the sofa as Steve hurried to his computer and clicked away. When he stood I assumed he was finished. "Get a paddle."


"Do not dare to tell me you do not have a paddle."

He didn't. Instead he just looked down at the floor.

"How is it a man who enjoys being paddled does not own a paddle? Get something. Now."

Steve hurried off into his bedroom. The sound of someone trashing their way as they sought something came from his room. A few moments later Steve returned. He held out his hand.

"A belt. Place it on the sofa and stand here." I pointed next to me.

He gingerly walked to the spot placing the belt on the sofa as he passed. Reaching for the belt I stepped back out of what I hoped was the middle of the shot. "Remove your clothing."

Steve stood for a moment. Realizing I was being very harsh I changed the tone from anger to dominance. "Your back to the computer. Remove your clothes and put them on the sofa."

Maybe it was my tone without anger, maybe it was facing away from the computer. Regardless Steve turned and disrobed. Considering he was in his forties he was not a slob. He didn't work out, at least not much. He wasn't terribly out of shape, actually better than the average. He moved his hands to cover his cock.

"Hands at your side."

Still looking at the floor Steve moved his hands. He was erect.

"Bend at the waist, hands on the cushion. Legs shoulder width apart."

Steve didn't hesitate this time. His ass exposed to the camera and to the room I stepped in and raised the belt. Without too much pressure I swung. WHAP! Steve jumped and yelped. WHAP. Again he jumped but he didn't yelp. WHAP! A little harder but still not hard. I had the belt folded so it sounded much louder than it really was, making it seem he was being beaten. WHAP. Again the belt landed on his ass. He was holding himself rather still and not making any sound. WHAP. I paused. He didn't move.

Five more swings. Steve grunted. I stopped. Placing the belt on the arm of the sofa I could see his cum on the sofa and floor. At his door I turned. "You have done well. Send me the full video and your edited version within the hour." Walking out of his condo I left the door open.

As I entered Jude's place I noticed the stereo had been turned down and the music was once again jazz. Four eyes were on me. I looked down. Still pissed but not angry I walked toward them.

"What the hell was that Sam? Going off on Steve? Screaming? Cranking up the stereo?"

"Jude. Please." I walked to the kitchen. My drink was gone. The dishes were in the sink. Opening the door to the liquor cabinet I found it empty. "Seriously! Where is it?"

"Sam. Come and sit down."

"Jude. I don't want to yell at you. Where is the booze? One way or another I am getting wasted. If I need to go buy it myself I will. Where is it?" I was stern once again.

Craig got up and went into Jude's room returning with a box containing the contents of the liquor cabinet. He nudged me out of the way, placed it on the counter and reached for a glass. "Go sit Sam. Manhattan?"

As I walked over to the chair, the chair Terry and I had sat in while he sucked my cock only a few days prior, it hit me. Falling into it I cried once again. Jude came over and knelt next to the chair. "Sam. I know it's hard. I know you are hurting and I know you are confused. I want to help. Craig wants to help. We are, believe it or not sad and hurting as well. We liked Terry."

"A lot." Craig chimed in. "Sam. I admit I have never lost a loved one. I admit I have never been in your situation. And I admit I can be selfish and rude and demanding and crude. I also admit that I really liked the guy." He walked towards me and set the drink on the arm of the chair.

"And Sam. I admit that I really care about you. When you first arrived I thought 'hey, he's hot. Bet it will be fun to fuck him. Virgin too.' But it turns out, I really like you and care about you. Sorta like a little brother." His face squished up. "That is sort of a sick thought. Sorry. But I do care about you. I am terribly sorry this happened. I wish it hadn't. I can't change any thing. But I am here for you and will do everything I can to help."

He reached out, took my hand and held it in his. "Sam. What ever I can do, just tell me. Need to get wasted? I will mix the drinks and hold your head as you puke. Need to eat? I will order in whatever you desire and help you eat until you are sick. Need to be held? I will hold you until you fall asleep."

Looking up at him I smiled. "You would? Really?" He nodded.

"Jude? Manhattan?" Craig returned to the kitchen and mixed two more drinks.

We sat in silence, sipping our drinks and listening to the music. In other circumstances it would be an ideal afternoon. Freezing temps outside, the wind howling, good friends, good music, good cocktails; it would be ideal. Thinking about it, even under these circumstances it was ideal.

"Whose phone just beeped?" We all looked around for our phones.

"Sam. It's yours." Jude handed the phone to me. An email had arrived. It was from Steve. I felt like shit! What had I done? He had been so nice to me and I went up there and belted him.

"Jude? Where's the laptop?"

Jude retrieved the laptop and handed to me. Sure enough Steve had sent an email.

'Sir. Thank you. That was amazing. Here are the videos you requested. The first link is the full recording. The second is the edited version. I will be happy to re-edit to meet your expectations.'

"What is he talking about Sam?" Jude looked at me, not smiling.

"Steve likes to be paddled."

Clicking the second link I waited. The laptop was on the ottoman ad the three of us hovered around it to watch. The quality wasn't the best and it was short, two minutes long. Steve had some editing skill. You could hear me commanding him as he took off his clothes. It wasn't when I gave the commands but it worked nicely. His face was never seen. All you could see was my arm as I swung the belt. The guys both jumped a bit at the sound of the first whack. After the belting the sound of the door opening is heard. There is a cut to Steve's cum on the sofa and floor.

"You didn't Sam." Jude looked at me with shock and dismay.

"It wasn't hard, it just sounded hard. The belt was in two. And he turned up the volume. It wasn't really hard."

"Sam! Who knew you had it in you!" Craig was impressed. What a combination.

"Really, it wasn't that hard!"

I returned to my email and replied to Steve's. Two minutes later there was a knock at the door. Jude opened it. Steve stood there looking a little embarrassed.

"Steve! Please come in." I stood up. "Steve, you know Jude. This is Craig. I am really sorry about that. Did I hurt you?" My anger was now long gone and I felt like shit. "Oh no! Steve! Oh no! I am so sorry! I wasn't thinking. They saw the video. Craig! Make him a Manhattan, quick! Steve, please come, sit. I really fucked up."

Silently Steve sat on the sofa. Craig mixed him a drink.

"Steve. You have every right to be mad at me. I shouldn't have gone up there. I shouldn't have hit you. I shouldn't have shown them the video. Can you forgive me?" How many times would I fuck up today?

Taking the drink Steve took a sip. "Nice. Well made. Thank you. Hmmm. Well I guess that's one way to be introduced. Ha! Guess my secret is out. I like being spanked. Paddled. Had never been belted before, but I guess I like that too." He took another sip.

"Sam likes to be tied up and fucked." Craig offered.

"Thanks Craig. How generous of you to share my turn ons." I smirked at him.

"I like fucking guys whose name I don't know." His response was sheepish.

"Thanks Craig. That is very revealing. You can be quiet now." Shaking my head I took a sip of my own cocktail.

"Really. It isn't that big a deal. I bet Sam told you how I was taping him. Not only that but posting it on line. That was shitty of me. Fair play."

We talked about the taping and my not so limited online sexcapades as we finished the drinks.

"Craig. Can you please mix another round? Steve. My behavior had nothing to do with you."

"Sam. You don't..." Jude began to speak.

"Jude. Please. This is going to suck but there has to be a first. Steve. Last night my boyfriend died." As I spoke my voice went from confidant to barely audible. Once again I fell into the chair and felt my chest heave as if it were breaking open.

"Steve." Jude spoke. "Terry, Sam's boyfriend died, Sam found him. Things are...well..."

"Wow! Now I feel shitty. Sam. I am so very sorry. Really." Steve looked like he was about to tear up. He was tearing up. I didn't have any tears left at the moment, just the heavy heaving of my broken heart. "Can I do anything? Help?"

"Thank you. Drink?" I tried to be adult. Handle it well. I needed the practice. An hour passed as we talked about life, losing someone you loved and heartbreak. Steve told about how he had a boyfriend, lover, someone who meant the world to him but didn't feel the same in return. It wasn't the same but it was. It hurt and there was nothing you could do about it.

Cocktails finished Steve excused himself. Craig asked if we were hungry. The buzzer sounded. "Who would that be?" He asked.

Jude got up to see who was at the entrance. He returned a few minutes later with a package. "Fed Ex. It's for you Sam."

Now I was confused. A package? Had I forgotten something at home? Taking the box I found it rather heavy. The label was printed on a computer and the return address wasn't one I recognized, except it was local.

Setting it on the ottoman I opened it. Inside the box was an envelope and another box. Turning the envelope over my heart began to pound. It was Terry's writing! "God! Jude! It's from Terry! Fuck! I can't deal with this! Damn it! Terry you shit!"

Jude came to me and I grabbed on to him burying my face in his strong shoulder.

"Fuck food. Let's drink." Craig was signing my song.

"Jude. I can't open it. I can't. You open it. Please. Please Jude. I can't look at it." Pleading to Jude I didn't think about how he was feeling, if this was difficult for him or not. My thoughts were completely selfish.

"Ok Sam. Sit down." We both sat. Craig brought the drinks and Jude opened the envelope. Silently he read as we watched him. Part of me was dying to know what it said. Part of me wished Terry were here so I could beat the shit out of him.

It was a rather long letter, or said something that was taking Jude a long time to read. Either way I sensed it was going to suck. When he finally finished he looked up at me. He was crying. I lost it, but still wasn't able to shed any more tears. Seeing Jude cry was a first.

"Sam. Sam. It is not easy. I don't know if you want to know." He placed the letter down and put his head in his hands.

"Fuck. Just read it to me. How much worse can it get?" I regretted saying it the second the words left my lips.

"I will read it." Craig picked it up.


This should be getting to you the day after. After I wrote the first letter to you I realized I was being a complete asshole. I am writing this letter hoping to explain things a little more. Before reading past the line you might want to get a drink or have Jude there.

Jude is amazing. Do you know how much he cares for you? He is always looking out for you. Remember when you first introduced me to him? You went off to get something and he told me that I better be good to you. He wasn't mean but he was clear that you meant a lot to him.

Is he there? Or the drink? Both might be good.

I said I was ugly on the inside. I feel worse than ugly. Sam there is a whole bunch of stuff about me you don't know. I am not a good person. Maybe when I was a little kid I was a good person but I ain't now. See growing up my folks didn't give a fuck about me. You knew that. I felt like I was worthless and ugly and stupid. Then I started doing tricks. People told me I was good looking and a really good fuck. It was the first time anyone said anything nice to me. How nice is that? You're a good fuck. I was sixteen. Sick. But these guys liked to fuck me and they took better care of me than my parents ever did so I let them.

For a while I felt good. I didn't like being fucked all the time and some of them were mean and did shitty things to me but at least sometimes they were nice. Eating every day and having clean clothes and a clean bed was cool too.

Before we met I didn't have any friends. All the people I knew were either fucking me or making money off of me. I guess those guys were fucking me too. The videos started right away. At first it was really scary because they wouldn't tell me anything. They told me to go into a room. Inside would be cameras and some guys. The guys would rape me and they would sell the video. After a while I figured it out and played along. It didn't hurt as much that way.

Then I got older. Because they had me working out a lot I was strong and looked good. They liked that I looked like a clean-cut jock. Porn sells really well if the young guy getting fucked is a jock with muscles. The thing is, it wasn't just plain porn. It was really nasty stuff. They still liked me to get raped but it was gross. The older I got the nastier it got.

Then we met. I told you how I liked you and didn't want to drag you into this shit. I did. Sorry I did that to you. I felt like shit cause you were so nice to me and cared about me and really treated me great. You were my only friend. The thing is, when you were gone doing something I was still making the videos. Sometimes it wasn't even video, just really nasty whore stuff.

Then you come over and we have dinner, hang out with your friends and have fun like normal people. But I wasn't normal. I was getting fucked by a bunch of guys during the day and then pretending to be normal. I can't take it any more. I am not like normal people.

When you quit I thought I could too. I tried. I stopped working at Michael's place. But the videos and nasty stuff didn't. Those days were I was gone for a long time? Remember them? I was flying to a different city and going to some club. The guys I worked for had these parties. Most of the time they were in these gross places and I would go in naked and guys would just fuck me. All kinds of them. After the thing was over I would get hosed off and fly back.

It happened every week. I wasn't really trying to go back to school. I was getting fucked. I lied.

Sitting in that church listening to the songs, all those people who live normal lives saying nice things to me treating me nicely and everything. It made me really sad. That's when I realized how ugly I am and how it will never go away.

I know this isn't fun to read but I gotta tell you. And I can't say it to you because I don't want you to try and change me. I can't be changed. I hate myself. All I do is look good and have guys fuck me. I feel worthless and ugly.

Part of me feels sad. I want to make you made at me so you forget me and are glad I am gone. But that is really mean. You are really nice Sam. You are normal, good, and not ugly. The stuff you done isn't really that bad. It isn't like what I do.

I could tell you lots more but it is really gross and I hate it and I want to get this sent before they close.

Oh. I told the super that I was adding you to my lease. Your name is on it and it's paid it up thru May already. You can have all my stuff. Keep it or whatever. Don't know about what to do with me, never really thought about it. My folks are no where. Haven't seen them in years so don't worry about them.

The box has some stuff for you. Nothing personal or anything like that but I want you to have it. Don't throw it away.

One last thing. I know you loved me. You are the only person who did. And I love you too. Thanks for being so great Sam. I know you are going to do good things with your life. If I stayed around I would have been in the way.

Sorry and I love you


Craig dropped the letter on the ottoman. "Good God. I feel like shit!"

"Craig..." Jude started to speak.

"Come on Jude." Craig interrupted. "That kid had a life of hell. Who does that to a kid? And I didn't help."

"Craig stop." I stood up. My head was pounding again. "You are right. It sucks. I feel like shit. I am a shit. But he didn't deserve to live like that or to kill himself. I need to be alone." Grabbing the rum I went into my room and closed the door. Slowly I drank until I passed out.



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