I Said Yes

The Anniversary Trip – Part 6

We hung out at the bar for a while. Fran was still chatting us up, as if she had found her long-lost best friends. Honestly, I did not mind the distraction because it kept us from continuing the previous conversation. I could tell Michael was worried and grumpy, but I was sure for different reasons. He did well, though, in trying to keep the conversation light and let me know, by his body language, that he was with me there. I don’t think he really understood how I was feeling at all…that was not how his brain worked…but I appreciated what he was giving me and I knew in his own way he was trying…hard to describe…but he was giving me that much. It was about midnight when he hinted that we should go. I had a fairly significant buzz on, and I know he did too judging by all the things he had mixed that night. We didn’t stagger back to the room…just swayed a bit on the walk. The bed was a welcome sight. We stripped and climbed in and I kissed him and then turned on my side facing the window and door. Michael moved up behind me and played big spoon. I wanted him to hold me tight and rub his hands on my back…to nuzzle my neck and make me feel secure…but…that didn’t happen as it literally took him 2 minutes to fall asleep. The room was dark, and silent and cold.

As predicted, I did not sleep a wink that night. Tossing and turning dominated the period of time from when we got back to the room until 5:30 am when I said “Fuck It” and got up. I threw on some shorts, sans boxers, and a t shirt, my flips and a hat and went outside. It was light but the sun had not fully risen. I wandered over to the window at the bistro and grabbed a coffee and went across to the rocks looking down at the beach. I knew it would be me, sitting there for hours, trying to figure out what to do and where I was headed…it would plainly be a conversation between me and myself at that point. The central theme really centered around a basic, yet complicated question…did I love this man enough to do what he asks and, in turn, give up most everything that was my life. Just say, we had a kid, or kids…that meant giving up my job, my house, my friends and packing up and moving over to Walla Walla. What would my role be…house husband while he worked and ran the winery? Would I be the soccer dad who was responsible for feeding and dressing and bathing and tending to the little one full time? And to speak of that…was he talking about an infant…or a toddler or someone older? Where would the child come from…a surrogate…foster care…adoption? Geezus…just so much to consider…and so many things I should have asked…rather than reacting so weirdly…Did I love this man enough? I wanted to just go back to the room, wake him up, yell at him, fight with him…talk it through…work it out and, then, make mad, passionate love for the rest of the day…naïve to think that could happen that way…but in that moment that is what I wanted…or did I want to pretend like none of the previous day’s conversations happened? Did I love him enough?

I stood up and decided to walk up the main street. Sitting there was doing nothing for my mental health at that moment. Maybe walking would provide some clarity and an idea of how to handle what the day would bring. If I stayed away long enough it would become clear? Would I hear from him when he woke up or was he just going to give me space? Am I just making more out of this than I should? Who can I talk and vent too? I had no one there to bounce shit off of…dammit. The walk took me the entire 8 or 10 blocks up one side of the street and then I crossed and headed back the way I came. I came up on the dive bar…doors open at this time of morning (7 am) …and when I looked in I saw Fran cleaning and getting the bar ready. Should I? Damn, a bloody Mary sounded pretty freakin good right then…oh what the fuck! Fran was surprised to see me when I bellied up to the bar, set my coffee down and asked her if her bloody’s were good.

“Of course, they are…and why would I say different!!” (Fran)

“Well then, let’s do it”

“I am kind of surprised to see you today, especially this early after last night” (Fran)

“Well, let’s just say I got zero sleep and I am not a guy that gets hangovers so I am lucky in that respect”

“Where’s Michael?” (Michael)

“Oh hell…he will sleep til noon if I let him”

“But it’s vacation…you gonna let him sleep the day away?” (Fran)

“Well, truth be told…I needed a little space this morning”

“I got that…things seemed to be pretty tense between you guys last night” (Fran)

“Lets just say I didn’t react very well to some stuff he said…and on top of that I am not handling it well…so I decided to take a walk…go figure…the walk led me right back here…ha-ha”

“Sometimes things happen for a reason…” (Fran)

“You are so right oh wise one!”

“Here ya go”…Fran handed me a very large bloody Mary without the salad bar on top. I was a spice weeny but she made it just right and it tasted really good. While I was sipping on the drink I got on my phone and looked at the weather for the day…looked at my Facebook page…looked at the news feed and then, I found myself looking at traffic conditions between Cannon and Seattle. Fran came over and tried to spy a couple of times…at least I thought that was what she was doing.

“I told you that my son is gay didn’t I” (Fran)

“Yes ma’am…you did”

“Well I certainly don’t want to butt in…he and his partner had a very hard time when they first got together. It took them awhile to get things together when it came to their relationship” (Fran)

“How long have they been together?”

“10 years” (Fran)

“Do they have kids”

“They adopted 5 year old twins a few years ago” (Fran)

“Wow…two at once…they are better men than me”

“I thought they were dumb at the time…but now those are my grandchildren so I can’t say that anymore,,,ha-ha” (Fran)

“I have two grown kids and assume there will be a grandchild on the way in the not-to-distant future”

“I don’t envy the guys…it’s a tough road to hoe considering the climate…but they are making it…they are both great dads and the kids are really thriving and happy” (Fran)

“Well that’s cool…Michael wants us to have a kid…or kids”

“And?” (Fran)

“I don’t know…he sprung it on me and…well…he just wanted me to gush and be all over the idea”

“And…” (Fran)

“I feel like I don’t want to go down that road again…I mean, I wouldn’t trade being a dad for anything…but to start over 24 years later? I just don’t see it working for me…”

“I guess you are in a weird spot with the age difference thing…my son and his husband are only a year apart” (Fran)

“Well, we really are only 5 years apart but I started with kids pretty young…and he doesn’t have any…so that is the combination I am looking at…I just don’t know if I want to do it again…”

“You have to do what’s good for you…it’s not like buyin a car you can sell if you don’t like it anymore” (Fran)

“That’s what I’s sayin”

“If you go forward with it and you end up not being happy you are gonna end up resenting him for it…or worse…” (Fran)

“That’s what I am worried about”

“I would be too…at the end of the day you will make the right call…I mean, I don’t know you guys at all but judging by what I have seen, I think you will be fine with either choice as long as you keep putting 100% into each other…Listen to me…I sound like Dr. Phil!” (Fran)

Fran moved on down the bar to help other customers. She was right in what she said, and it all made sense but what the chat didn’t do was tell me what I should do…fuck! It was about that time I got a text message from Michael. I had been at the bar almost three hours…enough for me to get an early morning buzz going…which I never do…

“Where are you?”

“The bar”

“What??” (Michael)

“I went and got coffee…sat on the beach for a while…took a walk and then ended up here…Bloody Mary’s are great”

“I will be there in a few” (Michael)

“I don’t want to fight…if that’s gonna happen you should stay there”

“I’m coming” (Michael)

Awe Shit (I thought to myself)……