I Said Yes

More Questions…and an Answer

I got rolled out of bed at the ass-crack of dawn. Well…actually before the ass-crack of dawn.

“Come on…get up…we gotta go!”

“What the hell”

“Come on or we’re going to miss the sunrise” “Ok, ok…”

I managed to roll out and I headed for the shower only to be told there would be no time…ugh! I washed my face, put my contacts in, brushed my teeth and threw on a t-shirt, some board shorts, a baseball hat and my flips and off we went. Dylan took us in the cart down to a trail head about half a mile from the cottage. He handed over a backpack and two very large cups of coffee and told us to have fun and he was gone.

If I had thought about it at the time…if somehow I knew I would be writing about it or trying to chronicle it…I would have known that there are just no words to describe the next few hours on that day. From the view when we entered the trail head…to the sunrise we experienced…to the depth of the conversation we had…to the playfulness and friskiness in that secluded spot we found…to the insanely intense passion we felt at the other spot (The one that would be later called “Our Spot”)…and finally, to the contentment and togetherness we both were experiencing…descriptions are adjectives and, while adjectives are used to describe nouns…no adjective(s) could adequately describe that 4 hour block of time…as it is today…those words can only serve to provide an emotionless account… but to really and truly know…to coin a phrase…”you had to be there”…

You had to be there to feel how deep things were, to experience the level of that depth…to experience the exasperation of Michael trying to explain to me why…after only a few months…he felt as though he had found his person; The desperation he felt when he was trying to convince me that all would be ok; The fear he was experiencing when he was sure that I would tell him no-that it would not work and, the feeling of relief when he came out…came out-out loud, for the very first time…there…on that beach…on that day…the fact that we both acknowledged it and, in some respects, were celebrating it. It was a very lonely celebration and, yet, in other ways, a very joyous one.

You see, on that day… I said yes. I said that I felt the same way. I said that I was confused and out of sorts. I said that no one would understand, and I said I was very, very afraid but… I said yes…I told him that I was enjoying the attention and that I was enjoying the mystery…that maybe that’s what the intrigue was for me and why I was drawn…I told him I had been lonely and that I missed having someone…I told him I was not a good partner in the past…I told him I wasn’t sure he could be happy with me…and I told him I was afraid…but I said yes.

There was intensity to his look as he told me he wanted to be my partner, he wanted to be a good partner; that he had never really been a partner and, that he wasn’t sure what a partner was supposed to do and then…he asked again…And I said Yes

I told him that he was amazing…that I really had never come across anyone like him…I told him that I was scared at how easily he made me feel content…how easily I fell…I told him that I wasn’t sure how we do this either…how do we tell people…do we tell people…I told him it really didn’t matter what and who and when…and I said Yes

No words, on any piece of paper, can do justice to that day…because I said yes…

Here we go – Now What?

Morefrom“The Letter”from Diane; November 8, 2014

“As I sit, somewhat restlessly, and think about the things I would have changed, and, the things I would have done differently, I have to tell you that I don’t think I would have changed anything. In respect to that time and what was happening…I don’t think I could forgive myself if I thought that Michael’s dad and I didn’t do everything in our power to protect him…so I need you to understand that – you need you to understand that. I need you to also know that my heart is full of love for you, but I need you to know I would not have changed a thing – maybe my approach to some of those instances, but protecting Michael was my most important job and it would be hypocritical if, for some reason now, I changed my way of thinking.

Please know that this never really was about you – rather the two of you together. It was never personal, it was never directed at you, and it was never meant to hurt you or the relationship between you guys. So, there it is – some of the hardest words never spoken – some of the hardest things I have ever had to put on paper – and some of the most difficult things I have had to own and admit.

Now, for what I really set out to tell you!

Matthew, in spite of all, I have to tell you that I couldn’t be more proud to know that you were a special part of Michael’s life. I know that there was a love between the two of you that most people never experience. From the moment you “came out” to us as a couple I knew you were the one making Michael so happy and himself again. It was no secret that he struggled with depression when he got out of the service and there were many times we, as parents, were concerned about which direction his life would go. He could be a very determined young man but, in so many aspects, he wasn’t and had lost his way…had lost his passion and his fire.

What we know now is that you helped bring him to where he wanted to be as a person. You re-ignited a fire within him that he had lost, and you brought that incredible smile back to his face. Each and every time he returned from seeing you, he did so with a bounce in his step and a renewed sense of purpose. We never had to ask if he saw you because it was evident, by his mood that he had. Each time you visited the winery he had that same bounce while he waited for you to arrive and he was sad when you left.

There are certain things that I do not know…and probably never will. What I do know is, not only did he grow to love you, but you helped him grow to love himself and for that, his dad and I will be ever grateful. We cannot explain what it was, nor can we, any longer, deny it…it was what it was and forever will be (To coin your favorite saying) …”

Two amazing nights on an amazing beach, completely refreshed, recharged and re-invented, we found ourselves on the highway headed back up north towards home. We were about 2 hours into the drive, and as I was daydreaming about one of our steamy beach encounters, Michael kind of chuckled and said

“So, I am pretty sure neither one of us has a plan at this point”

“A plan for what”

“A plan for what we do now…I mean…since you said yes, I think we should talk about what that means right?”

“ya know, you just went a ruined a perfectly good daydream I was having!”

“Did it involve me naked on a beach?”

“Well, duh!” and I had to chuckle a bit…and then a thought occurred to me and I got quiet…

“Matthew…. what’s up?”

“I just realized…. where are you driving us too?” 

“Uhhh…. I guess I hadn’t really thought about that part”

“Well…It kinda feels like we should decide where we are going before we decide what the rest of our life is going to be like”

In his best gansta-tone he says “Why you gotta be all practical and shit homie?”

“Where the fuck did that come from”

“I got some game!”

“Not really Mr. Lumberjack”

“You didn’t have a problem when I was jackin with your lumber Mr. Clueless!”

“Ok…Ok…enough” ...and I couldn’t help but just stare at him and laugh!! This was the beginning of an intriguing ride…literally.

I called Corey at the restaurant to check in…and besides his never-ending curiosity about the weekend it seemed as though things were in good shape. This was Monday morning, I wasn’t due back until Tuesday evening shift so I figured I would try and talk him into covering that…and then I would take his Friday all together…he totally bit on that plan…it’s not often we in the hospitality industry get a Friday night off so it was all set.

I told Michael that it would work out for me to go with him to the winery today…and I could spend the night in the apartment and head back tomorrow afternoon or evening. He was excited as it meant we had another day together…and he got more excited when he realized a whole extra night together too! Michael pulled into a little gas station a mile or two up the road to stretch…pee…and he gave his mom a call to let her know we were on our way.

I had grabbed a couple of coffees and muffins, grabbed a quick smoke while he was in the rest room, and then we were off on the road again. We went about 10 minutes in silence when I asked him what was up…why he was so quiet…

“Mom was excited you were bringing me home, but dad seemed a little off…”

“What do you mean…off?”

“I don’t know…it was kinda weird…she was all happy…then he got on the phone and, at first he was too…but then he kinda got quiet so I asked him what was up and he didn’t really answer…”

“Well, what did he say?”

“Just that he had some stuff he really needed to talk to me about when I got home. I asked if there was a problem with something at the winery and he said no…just that we needed to chat”

“Damn…sounds a little serious…wonder what’s going on?”

“And then it was weird too…cuz he wanted to make sure you were going to be around for the chat…”

“Wait…what…why me”

“I think they already know about us…

Wait….us? What about us? What the hell was Michael talking about…. Us?