I Said Yes

The Anniversary Trip - Part 5

Michael came out and crossed the street to where I was standing and without even speaking, we headed down to the dive bar to see Fran…what had been an incredibly intense conversation, from my perspective, at dinner, was apparently over. I kept repeating my thoughts in my head…again I was annoyed that Michael had chosen an evening out to have such a serious conversation, especially when we were, theoretically, on vacation. With this having been our second visit to Cannon Beach, I was looking forward to relaxing and visiting the spots we did not get a chance to see on our first trip a few months ago. It did not feel as though that was going to happen during our last two days there…I mean what was a reasonable expectation in terms of the next two days…I certainly was in a place now where I didn’t think it was going to end well. I was also pissed because, over the past two years, we had both worked hard at our baggage…at learning to communicate our thoughts and feelings more often and more effectively. This evening’s conversation felt like it came out of the blue…out of left field so to speak…and I was angry because it felt like it was an all or nothing conversation. I was working hard at not overreacting…of remembering that he just was not great in the communication department…especially when it came to feelings but, damn, this, in my head, was so different.

We bellied up and Fran was much more chatty compared to the previous evening. Though it was a Saturday evening the bar was not at all busy so, because we sat right at the bar, we were the center of her universe at that moment. She asked about what we had done during the day…where did we eat…what did we see…how were we liking it etc. etc. etc. I was really wanting to continue the conversation with Michael but found myself totally distracted by Fran. I shouldn’t have thought there would be a conclusion to the conversation…maybe I wanted to smooth things over a bit…or maybe I wanted to blow it up even more…I really had myself so fucking confused. Mr. Social worker was trying to analyze himself and I was no good at it…at least not at that moment. Fran walked away to take care of a group of 8 or 10 people who had just walked in…

“You got quiet…are you all moody now?” (Michael)

“I am not sure how to respond to that…quiet because you gave me a lot to think about…moody? Maybe because of the way you have a habit of springing things on me…important things…”

“You know it is something I have thought about for a long time” (Michael)

“Thought about…I guess…but something like this…don’t you think it’s better to share those thoughts over time instead of dumping?”

“You know how I am and how my head works…” (Michael)

“So, I am just supposed to walk around and know? Am I supposed to pick a specific day and check in to see what’s been on your mind all week?”

“Actually…” (Michael)

“Don’t do that…you know that isn’t fair or how things with us work…or should work”

“I’m sorry for just dumping it on you…but I really don’t think you should be so grumpy about it…you know how I feel” (Michael)

“I do now…you haven’t even mentioned any of this in the last year…I mean…why now…why all of a sudden?”

“I am getting older…and I feel like life is good…that we are centered, and things are good…the business is good…finances are good…it’s all good so it’s maybe time to do it” (Michael)

“Michael…we aren’t even living in the same town…this is, for all intents and purposes, still a long-distance relationship…we haven’t even really talked about where we are going to end up”

“You know I want you in Walla…there are plenty of restaurants and stuff you can do there” (Michael)

“Did you just go there? So, your expectation is still that I am going to just give up my career…a job that I am good at and love…and just bail? I mean, in all seriousness…you could move to Seattle and operate your stuff from there so why aren’t we talking about that at all? There is no reason Chris can’t handle the day to day…”

“It’s my family business…I don’t think I have a lot of choice here” (Michael)

“Oh, you have choices…you just don’t want to think about the alternatives”

“That was kind of mean…you know the circumstances…how long do you think Diane is going to want to run the winery?” (Michael)

“I don’t know…and you are missing my point…the whole point…see…those are things we should have been talking about all along…and you know, it is as much my fault for not insisting that we do I suppose”

“So, I am bringing it up now…why can’t we talk through the details now…maybe I wasn’t ready until now?” (Michael)

“Because I think you want it all to be nailed down…in a neat little package before we head back…I wonder if that is why you dumped it all out there tonight?”

“That’s not how it is Matt…I want us to be together forever…and in the same place…and happy…and to have a family…” (Michael)

And there it was…the crux of the whole issue. He wanted a family…a kid…or kids. He seriously thought that one conversation over dinner was enough to put plans in place and make it all happen. I felt guilty, for a minute, because I was remembering the selfish and self-absorbed guy he was when we first met…sure, he had changed by leaps and bounds but this was really all about what he wanted and, true to form, he generally did not let things or people get in the way if he really wanted something. I had to look at myself too…I was pretty stuck in my position…I had raised two kids and, while I would never trade that experience for a minute, I just didn’t want to start over with that again. I had my personal reboot…or restart…2 years ago and I was fairly certain that I did not want to go through it again…at least the part about raising another family.

So many things were going through my head as we alternated between tossing barbs and silence. I wondered if these last 2 years were just a set up for what he wanted…if I was an experiment for him and I had seemingly passed the test. What the hell was I going to do…would I submit and take a backseat to his wants…or would I stand firm and see where that position led us. In the back of my mind I had a pretty good hunch how this was going to end up…and I did not like the version of how that played out.

I had, at least in my own head, transformed and experienced a dramatic change in who I was and what my life looked like…maybe we started too soon…maybe I was ready for a change… but I didn’t think one of this caliber. This whole thing made me reexamine all that had taken place over these last years…the great times…the passion…the feelings…and the not so good times. I was pissed because I felt like my life had been settled and I was happy…or was I? Was he just an experiment on my part and it had run its course? Fuck…I just didn’t know…and it all was just spinning in my head all at once. Why couldn’t he see that…why was it so easy for him to just put it out there and assume…why were we so different in that way?

Fran brought another round over to us…I smirked and looked at her and said “Keep em coming madam”

“Getting hammered isn’t going to fix this tonight” (Michael)

“Oh, that’s rich coming from you…again…are you listening to yourself? And for the record…this will NOT be fixed tonight…no matter how much you want it to be”

“I meant…” (Michael)

“It doesn’t matter what you meant…and I do not want to talk about it anymore…especially in here…I want us to sit, try and mellow out…have some drinks and just get back to why we are here…please…at least for tonight?!”

“Ok” (Michael)

“I will think about everything you’ve said tomorrow…I mean it’s likely I won’t get sleep tonight unless I induce it with this (raising my glass) and the more I have, the less I should talk or think about what you have put out there…I know me and right now I am working hard not to over react or be a dick…just saying”

“Ok” (Michael)

We sat there…talking a bit about things insignificant to any thing in our world right then. I just couldn’t bring myself to adult that conversation right then. My head was telling me that the conversation we had was the precursor to our end…and if I thought about that any more I was going to lose it…It was taking every ounce of self-control to maintain at that moment…I thought it best to just let it go for the rest of the night. After a few more drinks and shots we did manage to find some things to laugh about…some people to make fun of. There was even a point where he put his hand on my thigh…and for a few minutes he rubbed my back…like he always did. My heart and what common sense I had told me that I absolutely knew how much this man loved me…how deeply he cared for me and how right he was for me…how right we were for each other…I had never before questioned any of those things…and I still was not…but I knew things would be different from that point on…and inside I was angry and scared and, most of all, sad…For fucks sake!