I Said Yes

Good Talk

 I convinced Michael that we really needed to get cleaned up and go grab a bite. After we both had a quick rinse we decided to just walk over to the bistro and grab a quick bite. Michael pulled a t-shirt on and then pulled up his cargo shorts…sans underwear…and his flips. I knew he was just trying to mess with me going commando but, secretly, I liked it. We each ordered a BLT and Michael got a Bloody Mary and I just got coffee…With all the activity, since we woke up, I had not had my multiple cups of coffee like normal, so I went with that. It was a bit awkward at first as we both knew there was a “cloud” looming over us…

Michael kept slipping his foot up, under the table, to mess with me. I could feel it slip between my legs, caressing my thighs and crotch. I gave him a look and he just smiled that wicked smile…

“I’m just trying to lighten the mood” (Michael)

“No, you are not…you are trying to deflect by getting me all worked up again”

“Is it working?” (Michael)

“Yes, can’t you tell?” I grabbed the back of his calf and pulled his foot up into my crotch so he could feel my growing excitement…

“Ah, there he is!” (Michael)

“Ok, ok…about earlier…the let’s get married part?”

“Did I say that?” (Michael)

“Ass!”

“Ok…here goes…You have been on my ass, well not the past few days, but on my ass about communicating so here it is…Number One: I want us to get married…if not today than as soon as possible; Number two: I want us to make a plan about where we are going to live-I am not opposed to at least half time in Seattle and the rest in Walla;

Three: We will work out the job thing for you but I figure we couldn’t go there until I told you what I wanted out of this; Number 4: When we get all that settled and figure out things…I want to adopt a kid…or maybe 2 kids…I know we would be great parents and we could figure out the work vs parenting thing…I know we could work all that out; I know you feel as though you have already done your child raising but you haven’t done it with me and I honestly feel we would be great dads and I want to be a dad with you!! So, these are the things I wanted to, and should have talked with you about…the outline form anyway…” (Michael)

I sat there for a couple of minutes and then ordered myself a Bloody Mary. Sipping on it for a bit I maintained a constant stare at Michael to see his expression and body language. He was clearly squirming, and I knew he wasn’t used to just putting it all out there on the table. That was somewhat ironic for me because in every other aspect of his life, as long as it didn’t include talking about his feelings, was an open book…well except also the “us-he and me” stuff…but, in general, he had no problem laying out what he thought and would challenge most anyone who disagreed with him. I liked this part of him because you always knew where you stood…at least in most things…from winemaking, to marketing, to his art work, his mentoring of new guys and, especially, to his appetite for sex…but he clearly lacked the ability to just look at me and tell me how he felt…he would finally come around to that…but it was like pulling teeth to get close to that…so here we were…as matter-of-fact as you could be…he obviously had rehearsed that little speech…at least for a day or two…and as much as I wanted to give him shit right then…I couldn’t because he had put the thought into what he wanted and how to say it…I loved that about him right then!!

“Ok…I need to tell you that I am really happy you were able to say all that to me…there will be a time and place when I am going to five you shit for it…but thank you for doing that…I know that is not easy for you. You have no idea how much I love you…how hard I have fallen for you…and the thought of being married to or with you…in however that shapes up…the thought of being with you for the rest of my life just warms my heart…it is something I know that I want. Michael, I really don’t care what form that takes…legally or not…it’s a deal between you and me and nobody else’s business…so however that plays out…I am ok with it. I have had some time these past few days to think about my work and what that looks like moving ahead and, as much as I absolutely love what I am doing, I do not mind looking at doing something different or differently.”

He had a smile on his face the whole time I was saying those things to him…he even reached his hand over to hold mine as I was talking…wasn’t sure who was being the bigger sap at that point but it didn’t matter…

“So, as far as the thing with kids…that is the really hard part for me because…well you know what I think. To me, there is just too much we don’t know yet…about us, about what we are doing and where we go from here…the job thing is do-able but it hasn’t even happened yet. I know you want kids…but, honestly, I don’t know if I will get there…it’s so fucking hard for me cuz I know that about you…I don’t want to disappoint you or lead you on in any way…I just don’t know if I can…wait…if I want to again.”

“I get it. I think you will change your mind over time…I hope you will anyway…but I get it. I want us to plan and make a life…I just can’t leave Walla Walla full time…at least right now” (Michael)

“I know that, and it would be selfish of me to ask you to…but that is a two-way street you know? I am not saying it won’t happen…but I need you to know that…”

Michael acknowledged all that I had said…it didn’t seem to bring him down, in fact, he seemed to be quite upbeat. I reminded him that the marriage thing wasn’t really legal…we both knew it was coming but, at that time, it was not something we could do legally. Sure, we could have ceremony and a party…but if he wanted the real…meaning legal thing…we would have to wait. It was likely to be only a few months before that tide turned so, I was ok waiting if he was. He agreed and I could tell he really was ok with that. We talked more about my work. I really didn’t want to leave but I also knew I was standing in the way of Corey’s career…he wanted to stay with the company and the next logical step would be my job. I told Michael that I would have a conversation with ownership when I got back…maybe my position could be re-structured paving the way for Corey to take over…I might be able to do event sales and banquets and parties…I wouldn’t know until I put some thought into that. As a further carrot, Michael suggested that I go to work, full time, for the winery doing events and sales and stuff like that. I knew if I wanted that, it would be something Michael and Diane would go for, so I always had that in the back of my mind as a possibility.

We spent a little more time chit-chatting about that but I knew, deep down, that the issue of kids was going to be the thing and I didn’t really feel like I could convince him of that…he seemed to still, in a way, disregard how I felt about that. I did not think it was on purpose…but with his personality…maybe a little passive-aggressive…I just wasn’t sure. In the end we had agreed that we wanted to be together…we figured out that there may be some options of where we live and where I would work…and we did not come to any conclusions about the kid thing…only to put that chat off until some other things fell into place. I wasn’t comfortable about waiting…but, at that point, I felt like it was what I needed to do. The talk was good…clearly, we were making progress, especially Michael, with telling each other how we felt and what we thought…so good talk! I would give in to whatever the rest of the day held for us…I would have an opportunity to work things in my head over the next few days so I was determined to just enjoy the remaining time we had together on that trip…Good Talk!