I Said Yes

The Anniversary Trip – Part 4

So after just lying there, completely spent, for several minutes it was time to get up, clean up and go get some dinner. I had lost track of how much time we spent playing around and I sort of wanted to be outside to see the sunset. The pizza joint Michael had picked had an outdoor patio so that would be cool. We showered together and it was difficult not to get caught up again in his sexiness…but I thought better of it. We dressed and headed out stopping at the Bistro for a quick cocktail and then headed to the Pizza joint. I noticed, during our quick stop at the Bistro, that Michael’s mood had changed. He was quiet…unusual for him post-sex but I just kind of brushed it off as we walked down the main drag.

We got to the Pizza place and were seated on the patio. It was fairly large and space heaters and tables with fire pits in the center filled the area. It was a cool spot and had an awesome view of the coast and sunset. It was exactly what I was hoping for on that Saturday night. We ordered a bottle of wine; each had a salad and then we both got personal size pizzas. He was on a veggie kick and I always was a complete carnivore so our tastes in pizza were completely opposite. He liked white or pesto and I liked old school red or roasted tomato sauce. It was a great meal and the ambiance and atmosphere were perfect. I did ask, a few times, why he was being so quiet and he shrugged it off saying he was tired…I couldn’t help but think he had something on his mind but I wasn’t gonna make a big deal out of it. I had to think he would tell me if he needed or wanted to. Before I knew it Michael had ordered a second bottle of wine and, judging by his facial expressions, he had something on his mind and was going to finally talk about it…I braced myself…I had to admit I was worried because of the mood change but never, in my wildest dreams, would I have expected what was coming. I could tell it wasn’t just an ordinary conversation and I wasn’t sure it was the time or place…but here it came…

“I am sorry for being so distant these past few hours…but I have wanted to talk to you about something and I haven’t been sure how to bring the subject up” (Michael)

“It’s ok…I knew something was up or bothering you so I figured all in due time…especially with you…just put it out there…it can’t be that bad…right?”

“I hope you know how much I love you…how much I am in love with you. You do, right?” (Michael)

“Ok…now you are freaking me out…what’s up?”

“It is because we are so in love…because I have fallen so deep for you that I want to take things to another level” (Michael)

“Well, at least I know you aren’t dumping me…ha-ha”

“No, never…I just am not sure how you are going to feel or react” (Michael)

“For fuck’s sake, just say it”

“uhm…ok…I have thought about this for a long time…I have wanted it for a while…especially when I am with you and we are doing something normal…like normal couples do…like being in a real relationship…I know that isn’t how this all started but…well…I believe that is exactly where we are at…and I want more…I want more with you” (Michael)

“What do you mean more? You just got done telling me it was real and solid and…”

“I want us to have a kid…I want kids…I want us to be parents…that’s what I mean when I say I want more” (Michael)

“What…what the hell are you talking about?”

“I want to be a dad…I want us to be dad’s together…I want to be and learn how to be a dad with you” (Michael)

“Uh…I have no idea what to say…I mean…fuck…talk about outta left field”

“I know, I know…but I am so into us…and when I think about it…which I have been doing for months…I think it would complete us” (Michael)

“Complete us…. what the hell does that mean? You keep making me feel like I am not enough…do you feel like you are missing out”

“Yes…I mean…you are enough…you are all I want…when I said complete I guess it was a bad choice of words…I mean to say that I think having a kid will make us even happier…we would be a real family” (Michael)

“You are not making any points here pal…It keeps rounding back to us not being enough…meaning I am not enough…there should be more…we need something to complete us…Are you listening at all to how that sounds coming out of your mouth? Maybe you should have practiced in front of the mirror so you would know how it has come across”

I felt myself getting worked up…and not in a good way. All of a sudden I was feeling sick to my stomach…I really didn’t know what to think and my anxiety level was off the charts…

“Matt…I swear to god or whatever higher power is around…you are my everything…you are my person…you will always be my person…I am trying to be a grown up here and tell you what I want and how I feel…granted…I guess it’s not coming out right but I am giving it a shot…”

“Why now…why have this conversation here and now…why have you decided that now is the time?”

“I can’t answer that…at least not in a way that would make sense to you Matt…I have had this in the pit of my belly, and I couldn’t hold on to it anymore” (Michael)

“And why is now the time to have a kid…we aren’t even living in the same town…how do we manage that? What…2 weeks with you and 2 weeks with me? I don’t want to sound like a dick here but…what the fuck…have you thought about any of the tiny little details?

“I think you should move up to Walla…Diane wants to move out of the house and into a condo downtown…we can move into her place…it’s the perfect spot to raise a kid…It will all fall into place…can’t you see that?” (Michael)

“Again…are you listening to yourself? I should move to Walla…because that is what you want and think I should do…You have it all wrapped up in a neat little package…right down to where we will live…what the hell Michael?”

“What…I thought by taking care of details it would make it easier” (Michael)

“Make what easier…the fact that you decided all of this without so much as a word to me…right down to what house we would live in…tell me…have you picked out names yet?”

“That was harsh…what the fuck” (Michael)

“And yet…it’s about it being harsh towards you…hello…see this guy sitting in this chair…I am right here…and I don’t really wanna be on the sidelines for decisions being made about the rest of our lives…and that, Michael, is what it is…this is our life…but it takes both of us”

“Shit…I did not think you would get this worked up…” (Michael)

‘And therein lies the problem…or a few of them…you didn’t think…and you didn’t expect me to get worked up…and you just expected I would say what? Great idea…let me dump my house and my job and my friends and hit the road…Isn’t that what you really expected”

“Well…” (Michael)

“Oh give me a break…that is exactly what your expectation was…I don’t know what I am more upset about…dumping this on me here and now…or…you expecting that, without even a conversation, I was just going to jump on the wagon…or…planning a life without including me in the planning part…I just don’t know…and then…you have no consideration when it comes to me having two kids already…grown kids…kids that have been out of the house for 5 years…Shit…I have to pick something to be most pissed about…too many choices right now…fuckin A”

“Matt…”

“I need a cigarette. Pay the tab…I will be outside”

I left the patio, without even looking at him, and walked through the restaurant and out the front door. I wandered across the street to the cliff overlooking the ocean. I loved this spot because it served as a point and you could see for miles and miles in both directions but, for good reason, I was not able to focus on the beauty of the view and the colors after the sun set. Michael seemed almost grumpy, as if he expected some other type of reaction on my part. I was aware that I reacted big…that my mood had changed dramatically and that I was putting out a pretty negative vibe…but I couldn’t help it…that space in time, for me, felt like there was going to be some significant shift in our relationship and I just wasn’t sure it would be for the better. I was pissed because it seemed like he had everything planned out, put together and I was just going to coalesce to his wants. I was also mad because things had been really good with and for us…or so I thought…and we were in a really good space and I was incredibly content…again, or so I thought…so I was struggling with where he was at and how that was going to affect us…and me. I think I was mostly pissed because of the approach…and how all this stuff was going to affect us…if I agreed to all he wanted I would be compromising what I possibly wanted…If I didn’t go along with all of his plans…what would that do to us? That scared me more than made me angry.