I Said Yes

Separation Anxiety

Fast forwarding a bit we did have those previously mentioned two days together. Normalcy had prevailed and we did things like get up and drink coffee and read the paper in the morning. I had those two days off…We would grab some lunch…we went to the grocery story…Michael would be leaving, and I was going back to work on Wednesday. Both nights we cooked dinner at home…watched TV…went for long walks with Scooter and even took him to the beach…the…um…scene of the crime beach. All in all, a great couple of days. It was tough saying goodbye after having had him for a week. We had made plans to go to Cannon Beach in a couple of weeks for our second mini vacation there. We decided that we would meet there…I would make the reservations after I worked out work details with Corey. In the mean-time life, at least for me on this side of the mountain, went back to normal. The restaurant was crazy busy…business had picked up dramatically…and we were just floating along. I had given Corey a few extra days off, so I was kind of embedded at work. I would close the restaurant and, most nights, stop and say hello to Murray or stop at the Admiral and see Steve. Seattle was bustling those days…lots of new restaurants…the Mariners were in town for a long home stand and sports fans were getting excited about the Seahawks starting preseason practice. I truly loved Seattle and all it had to offer, and I was struggling, in my own head, as to what I should plan on for the future. I really was hoping, and trying to work it out in my head, that Michael would figure out a way to move over to my side of the state. It wasn’t that I disliked Walla Walla, it was just that I was so comfortable where I was and felt like Seattle was home. It had, literally, everything I had been searching for in a place I could settle…and I was really hoping Michael could see that and choose to be a part of it.

I was able to work the time off details out with Corey. Chef Rob volunteered to come out of the kitchen for two days and work the floor so the schedule would be seamless. I really felt lucky to have those two guys working for and with me. It was family and I would do anything in my power for either of them. In fact, my whole crew was like that and it just made my feelings about sticking around stronger. I called Michael that night and we chatted for quite a while. I told him I had the details worked out and would make the reservation the following day. He sounded a little off…sort of grumpy and, even though I asked a few times, he insisted he was fine. Sometimes I just chalked his moodiness up to missing me (wishful thinking) and his history of some depression. I didn’t see a lot of that, but he did have the moodiness issue from time to time…I just let him have those times and didn’t really call him out very often. He seemed to know when he needed to deal with it or get a handle on it and I trusted him in that respect.

I went about my work and my routine. He was a part of my thoughts from when I got up in the morning until I went to bed at night. We did chat regularly and he was famous for his random text messages…most of which had some sexual overtones or dirty pictures…During these times he was playful but when we actually talked he seemed way more reserved…I didn’t know if he was depressed as I indicated previously or what was going on. I did know that there was a lot of pressure on him to perform in terms of the winery and business. He was traveling a lot to places like Oregon, Idaho, Colorado and Arizona. Short trips to promote the winery and set up possibilities to ship to those states. I think the short trips were more exhausting for him and a pain in the ass, but he seemed to be doing what he needed to be doing. It did my heart well to know that it would not be too long before we would have 4 or 5 days together on the beach…the beach-my favorite place!

Morefrom“The Letter”from Diane; November 8, 2014

Now, for what I really set out to tell you!

Matthew, in spite of it all, I must tell you that I couldn’t be prouder to know that you were a special part of Michael’s life. I know that there was a love between the two of you that most people never experience. From the moment you “came out” to us as a couple I knew you were the one making Michael so happy and himself again. It was no secret that he struggled with depression when he got out of the service and there were many times, we, as parents, were concerned about which direction his life would go. He could be a very determined young man but, in so many aspects, he wasn’t and had lost his way…had lost his passion and his fire.

What we know now is that you helped bring him to where he wanted to be as a person. You re-ignited a fire within him that he had lost, and you brought that incredible smile back to his face. Each time he returned from seeing you, he did so with a bounce in his step and a renewed sense of purpose. We never had to ask if he saw you because it was evident, by his mood that he had. Each time you visited the winery he had that same bounce while he waited for you to arrive and he was sad when you left.

There are certain things that I do not know…and probably never will. What I do know is, not only did he grow to love you, but you helped him grow to love himself and for that, his dad and I will be ever grateful. We cannot explain what it was, nor can we, any longer, deny it…it was what it was and forever will be (To coin your favoritesaying) …”