I Said Yes

by Matt Lawrence

4 Jun 2020 287 readers Score 9.8 (15 votes) PDF Mobi ePub Txt


Solitary and Surreal Road Trip

I woke up, on the couch, at 5 a.m. in a bit of a fog. I guess I had fallen asleep and now I was trying to get my bearings. Scooter jumped up and started licking my face which was code for “TAKE ME OUT…I GOTTA PEE” so I slipped on my shoes and we went out into the back yard. The sky was just barely showing signs of light and I knew sunrise would happen in the next half hour or so. Scooter wandered…sniffed around…and pee’d… and I day-dreamed until he was done with his business. Once back inside I couldn’t decide if I wanted to go to bed or just start the day. Coffee and starting the day won so I got the coffee maker going and leaned against the kitchen counter…impatiently waiting for the Folgers drip. As I stood there my to do list starting forming in my head…Should I pack a bag and just head to Washington…Should I go to Cannon…Should I call Diane first…Should I hang out at home and wait for the full melt down that I knew would come…should I be with people or be alone…Holy Shit my head was spinning…I felt like it was gonna spin right off…No, No…I needed to take care of business and be strong…I needed to NOT let my head spin because there was too much to do…It was not my heart’s turn to feel any of this…I needed to make decisions about what was next…hard to do though because I couldn’t find the handbook on how to deal with this…yes…it was sarcasm and a bit of anger that was starting to surface in the conversation between myself and I. It was then that I started to really think hard about Diane…and what she must be going through at that moment. I hadn’t talked to Chris again after the description and him filling me in on what they were up to…so I guessed I should call him…wait…it’s not even 6 a.m. yet…oh well…he will get over it…so I poured a cup and dialed him up…

“Hey…sorry if I woke you”

“Nah…Haven’t been to bed yet” (Chris)

“What time did ya’ll get back?”

“Did you just say Ya’ll? I thought you got through that phase” (Chris)

“Comes and goes…just like my Midwest accent sometimes”

“Ah…We got back about midnight. Had to make arrangements with a local funeral home to transport him up here so that took a couple of hours and a ton of cash to handle…but he is here” (Chris)

“How is Diane?” And you?”

“Di is ok considering…she sat in the car all the way back listing all the things that needed to be done…people to contact. She called the girls from the car and both are on their way in this morning. Mama Su followed us up here in her car.

How are you?” (Chris)

“I don’t know…my head is spinning…so many things…just don’t know what I am doing or where I am going”

“I get ya…If it weren’t for Di’s To Do list, I would be just wandering I think” (Chris)

“Do you think I should jump in the car and come up?”

“I don’t know pal…we talked about that…a lot…and neither of us could come up with anything that makes sense…I guess the standard answer is you have to do what is best for you…” (Chris)

“That’s not what he would have said” (I said with a chuckle)

“Ha…you are so right there…do what’s gonna work for me dipshit…is what he would have said” (Chris)

“So…you are not being very helpful…what the fuck should I do?”

“Well…I think you should come up…I mean if there was anyone who should be here with the family…it’s you… (Chris)

“What about the townies?”

“Fuck em…what…are they going to talk shit now??” (Chris)

“And Kanae?”

“Fuck her too…don’t get me started on her…but I am worried about Kar…Michael was supposed to have him this weekend…pisses me off to think she won this battle with him over the kid” (Chris)

“I understand why you feel that way…but you know she will take care of him…it’s not that she was neglectful or a bad mom…just a raging bitch”

“Oh, I know…just pisses me off. Ok…I am gonna get off that train for now” (Chris)

“I don’t know what to do…”

“You could grab Corey on the way up…Nolan will be here this afternoon” (Chris)

“Shit…I didn’t think to call Corey…shit shit shit”

“I am sure Nolie did…I will check when he gets here” (Chris)

“Ok…I am gonna go shower and have another cup of coffee…do you know if anyone is in the apartment?

“If there is, she will kick them out for you guys…I think Nolan assumed he would be able to crash there…and Di would let you stay at the house if you want” (Chris)

“Alright…check that out for me and I will text you when I hit the road…or not hit the road…”

“All right…just let me know what you are doing” (Chris)

“Ok…talk later”

“Love ya bud” (Chris)

“Me too”

Even though Chris was not worried about what would be said if I made an appearance I was. Michael and I were always very discreet and careful when out and about and away from the family. Walla Walla was still a small, conservative town and his family had a reputation…so that was something we were always mindful off. Though he didn’t handle telling me that at his Dad’s funeral well…I got it and understood. Even after that whole week of the services I was careful about how we were in public. When in Seattle or San Francisco or Sacramento, it was a different story. We were not afraid to show affection nor were we afraid to let people see or know that we were together. Obviously, all my Seattle friends knew about us and Michael had no worries about that…but when we were in his spot, he always seemed tense and nervous out in public. I think he always had this lingering worry that people were gonna guess…and embarrass him and/or his family so it was easier to be his best friend as opposed to his partner. I decided to put that though process away for the time being. I packed a bag, grabbed a suit (déjà vu), gathered up Scooter’s supplies, took him out and we got in the car and hit the road. I really didn’t know what my plan was…it was a 10-11-hour drive to Seattle and then another 3 or 4 to Walla Walla. I figured I would call Corey when I stopped for gas and a smoke…If needed I suspected I could crash at his place for a few hours and then get on over to Walla Walla.

Scooter and I made good time up I-5. He was such a happy rider…a good car dog, especially on long trips. He would bounce around from front seat to back seat trying to see out every window…and then he would settle, lay down on the front passenger seat with his head resting on the console between us. The only time he would stir was if the car slowed down or he heard the turn signal. We got to Redding before I needed to stop so I pulled into a gas station, filled up and then moved the car over and parked. I had a chance to walk Scooter and let him stretch his legs…pee…and do the sniff-around. Put him back in the car and then I sent a text to Corey…

“Hey…can you talk” (Corey)

“Driving…give me a second and I will call you…need to turn on blue tooth”

I lit up another smoke and just kind of stood there in a fog when the phone rang…

“Hey bud” (Corey)

“Hey”

“You doing ok?” (Corey)

“I guess you have heard by now”

“Yeah…Nolie called me early this morning…I don’t even know what to say or how to feel” (Corey)

“I am the same”

“I don’t even know what to say to you…I mean…” (Corey)

“I know…hey…I am in Redding on my way up…I thought maybe I could crash for a few hours on your couch and then you could ride the rest of the way with me…assuming you are going up…?

“I am already on the way…I am in Leavenworth right now so will be in Walla in a couple of hours” (Corey)

“Ah…ok…I am glad you are going up”

“I didn’t even think about you driving…guess I kind of assumed you would fly up…I should have called you when I made the plan” (Corey)

“No worries…I should have called you too…”

“The hidden key is in same spot if you want to stop and crash for a while” (Corey)

“Thanks…still in a fog and not sure what I am gonna do…but I might take you up on it…guess it will depend on how I feel up the road a ways…”

“Where are you? Did you bring Scoots?” (Corey)

“Yeah…he is with me…we just got to Redding”

“Well…let me know what you decide…if you drive straight through you are gonna blow into town around 3am I think…you might want to stop and rest up a bit” (Corey)

“Yeah…I slept pretty hard last night so we will see”

“Ok…well let me know what you are doing and where you are…I am gonna meet Nolan at the Dive bar…guess we are gonna hook up with Chris there…” (Corey)

“Are you staying at the apartment?”

“Yeah…it’s empty and I guess Diane said any of us could stay there” (Corey)

“Ok…well save the spare room for me and if you think about it you guys might grab some munchies…if nobody has been in there in a while there proly isn’t anything stocked”

“Chris was gonna grab some stuff and stock the bar too…priorities you know” (Corey)

“Ha…yeah…priorities…Ok…will let you go, and I will text further up the road”

“Alright Brother…talk soon…Love ya!” (Corey)

“Me too…later”

Well, that sucked…I really wanted some company, at least for the tail end of the trip but I guess I will just have to be satisfied with Scooter. I pulled back out on the highway and a few miles up the road I saw the turn for Highway 101. That was the coastal router that took you up north to the Oregon border…all along the ocean. The cut-through over to the coast only took about 15-20 minutes and, inexplicably, I took that exit. Before I knew it, I was on the coastal highway heading north. It was a beautiful day for fall on the coast. Sunny, very little wind and about 65 degrees so we drove with windows down and the radio blaring. Anything to take my mind off real world at that moment. About an hour and a half later we were crossing the Oregon Border…going through little beach towns like Brookings and Gold River. It wasn’t long before I saw a sign that said Coos Bay-20 Miles& Cannon Beach-60 Miles….

I had paid no attention, when I made to turn to take the coastal route, that I would be going right through Cannon Beach. The first chance, after the sign, to pull over I pulled into a rest area and just sat there for a good 15 minutes. Scooter was bouncing around in the car, so I put his leash on, grabbed my smokes, and we headed for the pet area. I sat on top of a picnic table and let him wander around while I smoked. What the hell was I doing...Why did I go this way? I realized I was having a full-on conversation with myself in my head. Was it just a subconscious thing…me taking this way? Was it some other force that led me in this direction? Was I just dreaming this whole fucking thing? Where is Michael…What the fuck…

I had snapped out of the conversation in my head at the rest stop and scooped Scooter up and we hit the road again. I really didn’t have an option…unless I was going to turn around and back track all that way to I-5, so I forged on. I felt like I was literally driving in slow motion, on one hand, but on the other the miles were zipping by and before I knew it…I was there. It felt like the car was on auto pilot and I found myself pulling into the motel. I parked down the lot a bit from “the room-Our room” but I could still see the activity. Crime scene tape was still up…a restoration company van was out front with large hoses, both fan and water, stretched from the van into the open door of the room. There was one county sheriff’s car parked in front of the office and there seemed to be quite a bit of activity in there. When I kind of looked around I realized there were no other cars in the actual motel lot even though there were a few in the Bistro’s lot that connected to the motel lot.

I got out of the car and lit up a smoke…leaving Scooter inside with his window down a bit. I moved closer to the open door of the room when I realized there was a deputy and a gentleman who, I assumed was an employee, walking towards me. The gentleman was very polite in telling me that the motel would be closed for the day…that they had a pipe break and were having to do some major clean up in some of the rooms. I thought that was an inventive story considering I knew what had really happened…

“You don’t have to worry…I know what really happened here”

“I’m sorry…I don’t know what you mean” (Motel Manager)

“I am friends…was friends with Michael…the man who was in that room”

“Oh goodness…I am sorry…I am sure you understand…” (Motel Manager)

“I got it…I am on my way up to Washington from California and I just needed to stop…I am not sure why…”

“I don’t really know what to say sir…except that I am sorry for your loss” (Motel Manager)

“Thank you…I will get out of your hair…thank you for your discretion though…his family and friends appreciate that” and with that I turned and headed back towards the car…”I am sorry for your loss sir” Holy cow…how devastating were those words…sorry for my loss…how did anyone know what that loss was to me…considering I didn’t even fully comprehend it…yet anyway.

I pulled out of the motel parking lot and went over to the parking area for the beach…our beach…I didn’t know why…nor did I know what I was going to do…Since I didn’t need to go to Seattle I could jot down towards Portland and then over through the Dalles towards Walla Walla…but it might not be a bad idea to see my Seattle pals? I got out of the car and grabbed Scooter…he (we) hadn’t been to the beach in a while and he might as well get to play in the sand while I try and figure out what’s best. We wandered up and down for a while and then we walked over around the brushy area where Michael and I snuck a few quickies during our visits…he is just everywhere I look…every little thing reminds me of something between us…or about him. I wasn’t sure that I was going to be able to get that stuff out of my head…at least for the moment…and then I felt guilty for trying to get it out of my head. After having sat on the sand for a while I decided to go ahead and get back on the road. Sitting there would offer nothing to me at that point…and it was only slowing the inevitable down…and creating a later ETA for me in Walla. We popped through the only drive thru in the tiny town and Scooter and I shared French fries and I tried to get a burger down, but it just wasn’t happening…much to scooter’s delight. Time passed rather quickly and as I got to the outskirts of Portland I decided to just keep going. I stopped to gas up and grab a coffee, walk scooter, and within a few minutes we were ready to get back on the road. I sent Corey and Chris a quick text telling them I was going to just drive through…at least that was my plan at that moment. Chris had written back to tell me that the gang was gathering at the winery tonight, so he wanted me to keep him updated as to my progress on the road.

I was just motoring on through…listening to music and driving…and driving…and driving. The road was fairly deserted except for big rigs. I was keeping up with a group of truckers and when I looked down, we were going about 85 miles an hour…shit…I didn’t even realize how fast I was going…or how fast the miles were racking up. I looked at my watch and it was a little after 1 a.m. when I texted Chris again to let him know I was about a half hour away. I didn’t get a response but figured they were either partying or passed out, so I didn’t think anything of it. As I reached the outskirts of Walla my head started to spin with thoughts and memories…I had no clue what I was walking into nor did I know how I was going to react…would people still be at the winery…around the fire pit no doubt…or would everyone be done for the night…How would I react to seeing those guys…and shit…what about Diane…how was I going to react to seeing her? My head was spinning again but, in a fog, too. This whole thing is just messing with every bit of my being and, yet here I am…almost there…and what I have to look forward to is almost unspeakable to me.

I pulled into the circular drive at the Winery, and sure enough, there was a group crowded around the fire pit with a large bonfire burning. I sat in the car for a sec wondering if I should just turn around and get out of there. Scooter was going crazy as he saw Chris and Corey start walking towards the car…I guessed I had no choice but to get out and stay. I reached over and opened the passenger door and Scooter was out like a bat out of hell…right past the guys and up the stairs to the apartment…

Well I guess at least one of you is glad to be out of the car…” (Chris)

Chris walked over as I got out and he just grabbed me in a big hug. We just stood there for a minute or 10…and then I realized we had been joined by Nolan, Corey, and Chef Rob. The 5 of us in a big old group hug. I felt like I was paralyzed…not being able to move or breathe and then…the tears just started to flow…I couldn’t control it…I just lost it all together…and I felt myself going down to the ground…followed by the others…

by Matt Lawrence

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