I Said Yes

My World Shatters

Fresh off our rendezvous’/reunions in Seattle and then, the following weekend in San Francisco, I sat at the restaurant evaluating, or re-evaluating my life. I was on cloud nine having spent a weekend with Michael at Taste California”,The California State Wine Show, but I knew, deep down, it was not a smart thing to do. We would go months and months without really talking, or for that matter, seeing each other and yet, when we did, it brought me back to that space of hopefulness and desire to be with him. Common sense continued to tell me that, while it was a pretty clean break those few years ago, the recent past had not been so clean and, for some reason, neither of us could make it a clean break all together. Though he was busy over that weekend, and I used the 3 days to make my rounds with vendors and other industry professionals, we did have the evenings together and we took advantage of lost time. I had promised myself, (a promise I failed miserably at) that during that weekend, sex or making love was not on the table. The physical side of our relationship could not happen. Of course, once in his presence all that shit went out the window. Michael was a father now and in the midst of some messy break up from the baby’s mother so he did not need me muddying those waters and…from my perspective…that was not who I was…not a person that was going to be involved with him or in the middle of that madness. The reason we were not together, after all, was because he wanted something that I was not able to or prepared to give him or be a part of. I was happy for him in that he was now a dad…and from what I could tell…a great dad…but raising another family was not ever on the table for me. Though we did not rehash that discussion…it was always there and looming.

Michael had told me, several times over the previous two weekends, that his relationship with Kanae (baby mamma) had gone completely south and their split was incredibly bitter. I knew…just because I knew him…that the only reason he had married her was so that he could become a dad…which he did (Hikari was born a little less than a year after I had moved back to California-you do the math). Each time we talked, or I saw him, I felt as though my resistance to him was weakening. He was, after all, a man that I fell in love with and someone I wanted to marry. The divide between us was significant in the end and, if truth were to be told, I used that to get out. I knew he would never achieve what he wanted if I were there, in the way, so I hoped I had made it easier on him.

At any rate…I was flowing back into my Sacramento routine after that second weekend. I was consumed with working on a new start-up restaurant in the tiny little town where my parents lived, and things were going well. I had about 6 months left on my contract with the owners and I was looking forward to making a move back to the city…any city…any city with an urban feel…any city with great restaurants…the point was I felt trapped in this tiny little burb and was ready to move on. I had taken Monday off after the weekend in the city and we had a couple of events on Tuesday and Wednesday. This operation did not compare to what I had going on in Seattle, but it was a quality operation…Small yet busy and provided good service and good food. I was responsible for supervising three restaurants owned by the same family. On Thursday I was sitting at the end of the bar working on my laptop, finishing payroll, when I got a call on my cell. It was a call from Chris coming through which, at the time, I thought odd. Chris was not a guy who would just pick up the phone and call out of the blue. He was more of an email guy and would generally go a few months without picking up the phone. I answered with some smart-ass comment…one I certainly don’t remember now…but I thought I was being funny. When I answered there was a long…exaggerated pause…and then…

“Hey bud…I need you to sit down…take a breath…and listen to me” (Chris)

“What’s up…you are being a little weird…but ok…I am sitting down”

“There is no way, no way to tell you this other than to just come out with it…” (Chris)

“What the fuck dude…you are freaking me out”

“Michael is dead” (Chris)

“What the fuck are you talking about…what?”

“Michael passed away this morning” (Chris)

I realized I was sitting in the restaurant bar and there were people around. Luanne, the bartender on duty, was kind of looking at me and made a face…I realized other people could hear my end of the conversation, so I got up and walked out onto the bar patio and closed the door…I sat down at a patio table and tried to swallow what Chris was telling me…

“I don’t get it…are you screwing with me…I was just with him the other day”

“I wouldn’t do that. Diane called me this morning…” (Chris)

“What…where…I don’t get it”

“I am on my way over to pick her up…we have to drive down to Oregon” (Chris)

“Oregon? Oh Fuck…he said he was stopping at Cannon to see Mama Su on his way back from San Fran…was he …oh fuck…was he in a wreck…what the hell…”

“No…it wasn’t a wreck…he was at the motel…” (Chris)

“What the hell are you telling me…?”

It was then that I had the worst possible vision…He was going to drive back to Walla Walla but stop and spend the night at Cannon Beach…Mama Su (His spiritual mentor) was there so he was going to stop and see her…spend the night and then be back up to Walla Walla Friday night…

“The local cops called Diane this morning…I guess…oh shit…I guess he had one of his guns with him…” (Chris)

“No…you are not saying…”

Chris broke down at that point…and I knew…I knew what Michael had done. I thought I was going to pass out at that moment…there is no way to describe the physical part of what I was feeling right then and there…I imagine it was like I was having a heart attack or something like that…and I couldn’t move…I realized Luanne had come out of the bar with a drink and a shot and placed them in front of me. She stood there for a minute and we made eye contact. She knew the history between Michael and I…and she knew I was going to see him that weekend before…she had a sad and yet very parental look on her face…and then she went back inside.

The whole time I was on the phone felt like hours…but really was only about 10 minutes. I don’t know who was trying to console the other more…me or Chris…but none of it was working. We hung up and I sat there…completely in a fog…unable to really move. It had occurred to me that Chris and I really didn’t talk at all about what was happening next. I remembered he said he was picking Diane up and going to Cannon…what did that mean…why were they going to Cannon…What should I be doing…was he going to call me back?...should I call Diane?...I didn’t know what the fuck to do at that point.

I was still sitting on the patio, about 20 minutes after Chris and I had hung up when my good friend, Sarah, came walking out on the patio. She came up behind me while I was still sitting and put her arms around my shoulders and neck and hugged me. I guessed Luann had called or texted her…didn’t matter how or why…what mattered was she was there. She had met Michael once when he had come to Sacramento for a wine show. We all had dinner together and they got along great…she telling me later how much she liked him and that he was the one…weird to think about that comment now…he and I weren’t even together anymore when she met him…she was always giving me grief about trying to make it work…in a good way…and now…she was supporting my grief in real time…