I Said Yes

had ushered the last of the visitors out about 1am and then we crashed. Once everyone but the immediate “family” had gone Michael became much more chatty and talkative, especially towards me. Again, you would never know what the circumstances of this gathering were based on how Michael was acting. As we sat in the kitchen around the island he would put his arm around me…pat me on the back…talk to the others about how much I was helping with things…it really felt like he knew he needed to be kissing my ass and sucking up at that point. I wasn’t gonna argue with it…he owed me. Chef Rob and Corey headed out to the apartment and Chris and Nolan said they were going to run over to the dive bar for a night cap.

Michael and I decided to crash…it would be show time in less than 9 hours and the smart thing to do was go to bed so that is what we did. Michael tossed and turned all night and I heard him get up a couple of times before he finally decided to get out of bed at about 5:30am. I heard him head into the kitchen and knew he was making coffee. I decided to get up and go help…I wanted a few quiet minutes with him so we went out to have a smoke while we were waiting for the coffee. From outside we could see other lights on in the house so I knew everyone else was moving around. We sat on the porch, actually holding hands, for a few minutes and then went into the kitchen where we ran into Diane who was in a panic…

“I completely forgot about Pall Bearers…shit” (First time I ever heard her cuss…and I kind of chuckled)

“Diane…I asked the guys to all be on stand by for that if you needed them to…I didn’t know if there were other family members or close friends you wanted to ask”

“Wow…you are a savior…let’s go with your plan”

“Got it”and with that I sent a group text to Chris, Nolan, Corey and Chef Rob.

“Done”

Diane came over and hugged me and kissed me on the forehead. Michael grinned at me and said “Good Save”

Catastrophe number one averted. Corey and Chef would meet us at the Church to help bring the casket in and out. Chris and Nolan would already be there so no worries on that end. I knew Rob and Corey had been busy with food prep since about 4am so that would be all ready to present when we got back to the winery after church.

The family gathered in the kitchen for coffee. The girls were munching on pastries and joking back and forth with Michael and I. Diane was on the phone with…who knew what…and when she hung up she disappeared for a little while. Before we knew it the clock chimed and we realized it was 8 am. Michael and I went to smoke real quick…he moved his truck and Diane’s car out of the driveway to make room for the limo that was coming to pick everyone up.

It wasn’t long after that the limo showed up. Diane and the girls and Michael were going to ride in the limo. I was to bring Michael’s truck so there would be a vehicle at the funeral home and church in case it was needed. We all arrived at the funeral home about 20 minutes before they were to open the doors so the Rosary could begin. The family huddled around the casket for a few minutes and Chris, Nolan, Corey, Chef Rob and I took our places in the back row. Soon there was a full room and the Priest began the short, 10 minute ceremony. Once it concluded the people filed out of the room past the family and Dave’s casket. Once the room was empty the family huddled again for a few minutes…they knew this would be the last time the casket would be open and they would get a glimpse of Dave. The funeral home staff escorted the family to the waiting car…the casket was closed and wheeled out a side door to the hearse that would take Dave to the church. The guys and I were ushered to a second limo and we followed the family and the hearse to the church.

As the procession wound its way through central Walla Walla all of the side streets were blocked by motorcycle police and the traffic signals remained green as we passed through intersections. I turned to look as the procession turned a corner and it seemed like there were about 30 or 35 cars. The ride to the church only took about 10 minutes and the hearse and two limos pulled up in front as the other cars were directed to an adjacent parking lot where there had to be over 100 cars lined up in several rows with funeral procession flags on them. The family remained in their car as we exited along with the mortuary staff. The hearse was opened and we positioned ourselves on the sides of the casket. Diane, Michael, the girls and their kids, and Dave’s sister and her husband all exited their limo and lined up behind us and the casket. When given the signal from indoors we lifted the casket and carried it up the steps to the church entrance.

With Dave’s family following behind us we wheeled the casket up the long aisle to the alter. Diane and the family took their place in the front row as the rest of the attendees remained standing. The casket was turned facing the congregation and then Diane and each knelt and took the sign of the cross. The Bishop then signaled for all to be seated and we took our places in chairs along the wall near the family row.

Typically, a Catholic Funeral mass…or Mass of Christian Burial, takes close to an hour to complete…sometimes a little longer, depending on the readings from the bible and the Homily. All were short this day and Megan and Melissa each read a poem from Dave’s favorite Poets…Alfred, Lord Tennyson and Emily Dickinson…

Crossing the Bar

BY ALFRED, LORD TENNYSON

Sunset and evening star,And one clear call for me

And may there be no moaning of the bar,When I put out to sea,

But such a tide as moving seems asleep, Too full for sound and foam,

When that which drew from out the boundless deep Turns again home.

Twilight and evening bell, And after that the dark!

And may there be no sadness of farewell,

When I embark; For tho' from out our bourne of Time and Place

The flood may bear me far, I hope to see my Pilot face to face When I have crost the bar

Because I could not stop for Death

BY EMILY DICKINSON

Because I could not stop for Death –

He kindly stopped for me –The Carriage held but just Ourselves –

And Immortality.

We slowly drove – He knew no haste

And I had put away

My labor and my leisure too, For His Civility –

We passed the School, where Children strove

At Recess – in the Ring –

We passed the Fields of Gazing Grain –

We passed the Setting Sun –

Or rather – He passed Us –

The Dews drew quivering and Chill –

For only Gossamer, my Gown –

My Tippet – only Tulle –

We paused before a House that seemed

A Swelling of the Ground –

The Roof was scarcely visible –

The Cornice – in the Ground –

Since then – 'tis Centuries – and yet

Feels shorter than the Day

I first surmised the Horses' Heads

Were toward Eternity –

Once the poetry was read the Bishop offered the closing prayer and the recessional music started. The guys and I got and flanked the Casket and began moving it down the Aisle. We paused when we got next to Diane…she knelt and offered the sign of the Cross and then kissed the top of the casket. We continued down the aisle with the family following us. Each row then emptied behind them…alternating left and right, and the church quickly emptied with mourners going to their cars and the family huddling around the back of the hearse. It wasn’t long before we were all on our way to the winery. I was certain that the procession of vehicles numbered at least 200 cars. Someone said, later, that there were cars pulling into the winery while others were still pulling out of the church. It was a massive crowd and, at that point, did not even include those who did not go to the church but went straight to the winery for the memorial service there.

I didn’t really have much to do with the agenda for the Memorial. I will tell you that the weather gods cooperated…it was a beautiful sunny day in the mid 60’s already. If I could, I would take credit for that part…ha. The girls organized a nice program of music…some more poetry and a few of Dave’s close friends as speakers. Michael was to give a Eulogy towards the end. The guys and I carried the casket from the hearse and set it on the bier in front of the fire pit. The family assembled in the assigned rows and the crowd filled in behind. When the program was ready to start I looked out at the lawn and all 800 chairs were filled with many more people standing in back and along the sides. It was impressive…I was filled with awe at the idea that this many people came…not only here but to the church also…to pay their respects to Dave…and his family.

The guys and I excused ourselves, joined by Jenny, and we met up with the rest of the winery staff to get the food organized and ready to go. Jenny began opening bottles of wine at the make-shift bar and Chef John, Chef Rob and Corey began setting up the buffets. Chris and Nolan set up the easels for the poster-size photos of Dave and the family and a string quartet was rehearsing in the corner. I did want to be outside to hear Michael’s eulogy…He had written it down and had me read it last night…

“is it ok?”

“I wouldn’t change a thing…it totally captures what I know you want to say…it will be hard to say it all in public but I think once you get on a roll people will laugh and enjoy it…if they really knew your dad they will get it…especially coming from you”

“Ok…I want you to be out there when I do it…I know you are all worried about the reception but will…”

“Of course I will…just look for me in the back…public speaking is a lot easier if you focus on a person and pretend you are telling them a story…you will be fine”

Author’s Note: I am working hard so, you the reader, can get a sense of the complexities of Michael’s personality…God knows it took me a while. By including his written script for the Eulogy here I am hoping you can continue to learn him…..

A Eulogy From Your Family

As hard as it is to say goodbye to our Dad, today is also a time to say how we really feel about him, and could have said more often while he was with us.

I think, as a family, we all find it hard at times to say how we feel, but as I am not the one with the silver tongue usually, I’ll have a go!

Dad will be remembered most for his jokes, not because they were always funny, but because, as another Irish funny man might say: ‘It’s the way he told them!’

We used to groan as he told us the same joke again, with the same delight as if it were the very first time, and he’d keep us guessing about whether or not he would remember the punchline!

At my eighteenth birthday party he said to me: ‘I didn’t know you had a friend with one ear.’ When I said I didn’t, he said: ‘You must have. I asked him if he wanted a drink, and he said “No thanks, I’ve got one ‘ere”!’ He told the same joke to all my friends, and it was a talking point for days afterwards.

A few years ago he went with Diane on a trip to Ireland. Something he had wanted to do all his life. It has been said that he entertained the locals with many of his corny gags. He would wiggle his little finger at someone and ask ‘What’s that?’ When they didn’t know, he’d say: ‘It’s a micro-wave!’ Many of the locals, who he became friends with still remember him fondly for that today. Bishop Quinn, the very Irish parish priest here told Diane and I the other day that he could imagine dad now sharing his jokes and giving the angels a micro-wave!’

As I’m also fond of silly humour, I’m told the apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree! I used to be uncomfortable with being compared to Dad; he didn’t often have the words to express how he felt, but he showed it in so many ways which, looking back, I know I didn’t always appreciate.

We didn’t hardly ever saw eye to eye, but that was mostly because we were so well fed that us kids all grew taller than him! And from the tightness of this suit you can see we are still enjoying Diane’s Irish hospitality!

I used to think I knew better – and sometimes I did, but only because his hard work and sacrifice gave us the opportunities to learn and grow that he never had.

I used to get frustrated that it was hard to talk to him sometimes, until a friend I confided in wondered if I was expecting him to be something he was not, rather than accepting him for who he really was. It took a while to grasp this, but once I did, I was able to reach out and begin to appreciate him. Then when I turned 30 I wrote him a letter. This is part of what I wrote:

Dear Dad,

I’ve been so busy this last few years that I’ve neglected what’s important, especially family. I’m sorry I have been so far away, and had so little time to spend with you. When I was younger I know I didn’t always appreciate how hard you worked to give us a good home and education, and how much you really cared for us. Now I’ve just realized I’m almost the same age as you were when I was born, so that means I’m definitely old enough to know better now. I know how hard it has been for me at times to be far from family, but I can’t imagine how hard it must have been for you to have your son so far away. We don’t use the word ‘love’ much in the family, though we do show it in lots of ways. I don’t think I’ve shown enough to you, Dad, and I’m sorry for that. Thank you for all your sacrifices for us. I love you very much.

Dad will also be remembered for his big heart, with room for all 3 of us, plus the girl’s spouses, and five grandchildren – especially them, as in the past few years he gave so much of his time and energy to them in a way, I now know, he would have done for us, if he weren’t working so hard and long hours, sometimes in two jobs, to support and nurture us in every way he knew how.

When Dad was diagnosed with this madness called cancer we didn’t really know what this meant at first, but it developed quickly…as you all know.

During his last trip to the hospital for treatment many of the staff members, who knew him, commented to Diane about how good he looked and, considering the severity of the disease, how well he was handling things. Little did anyone know that, within the hour, a freaky thing would happen and he was gone. They described him as a good and charming man, and who was still able to flirt with the nurses until his last days! As much as we knew the day would come, I don’t think you can ever prepare for when the doctor tells you he really is gone. It wasn’t the way he wanted to go out…with the saints…on All Saint’s day…but we are sure he had quite a saintly escort.

Thanks to all of you for your love and support in being here with us today, and especially those who supported Diane and Dad through his last illness, and all of us in our grief.

Dad was a humble man – I’ve no doubt he’s looking down on us here in amazement at how much he is loved and fondly remembered by so many people.

As two of Dad’s favourite comedians might say, ‘It’s goodnight from me, and it’s goodnight from him!’ And in the words of another Irish funny man: ‘May your God go with you.’