I Said Yes

"The News” and the aftermath

“I didn’t fall in love with you, I walked into love with you

With my eyes wide open, choosing to take every step along the way

I do believe in fate & destiny,

But I also believe we are only fated to do things that we’d choose anyway

And I’d choose you – in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality

I’d find you…and…I’d choose you”

Unknown author

We finally got over the mountains and into town with nothing but a few words said. The drive was excruciating and, made even more so, because there was something coming and neither of us had a clue. On top of that we still didn’t really know each other very well so it was hard to judge what kind of space he was in. We ran by the winery and up to the apartment where a note was waiting. Diane indicated that we should get freshened up and meet them at the restaurant at 7pm. I assumed Michael knew which spot she was talking about, so we proceeded to clean up and take off.

We arrived at the family’s favorite restaurant to find Dave and Diane waiting for us at the bar. They were having a lively and spirited conversation with the bartender and a gentleman who looked to be management. Dave spotted us first and got up and greeted us both with handshakes. Diane’s eyes sparkled as she gave us both a big hug. What I didn’t know then that I realized later, was that the sparkle wasn’t really a sparkle…just that of a brave soul trying to keep her chin up.

Michael clearly came in hot. He had an agenda when we waltzed into that restaurant and it seemed as though he was hell bent on commanding the evening. Each and every day spent with him I learned more about his personality. Sometimes it seemed as though he was entitled…entitled to command what ever room he was in. Other times he was arrogant and tended to dismiss those whom he felt weren’t as important. Then there were the times when he was just a goofy, happy guy who didn’t care what others thought. I liked that guy…the one who was spontaneous and care-free and silly. They were endearing qualities to me and made me enjoy the times when those characteristics came out in full force. And, yet, he was a businessman trying to perform for and live up to his dad’s expectations. This evening would take us down a path where those expectations of a father would become critical to the things that would come…and come sooner than anyone predicted.

We had been sitting at the table pushing our appetizers around on our plates when Michael seemed to tire of the chit-chat and the tension. He seemed to grow more and more impatient and clearly acted as though he did not want to be there. I am not sure I had ever been more uncomfortable in a social setting and, when I thought about it, I really did not know these people allthat well…I mean I sort of did but, in the big picture, I was feeling as though I was being pulled into family dynamics that were unfamiliar and odd.

“Dave, Diane…I am not sure why you wanted to talk with Matt and I tonite but there is something that I would like to talk with you about”

Dave sort of interrupted Michael and said “Well, actually guys…there is something we wanted to talk with you about and it is pretty important. Michael, I know this type of conversation is tough for you but bear with me for a few minutes.”At that point Diane grabbed Dave’s hand and I thought “This is not going to be good”

“There is no easy or delicate way, so I am just going to dump it all here on the table”

“For the past few months I have been having some pretty significant health issues and, after several appointments and consultations and tests and scans…the doctor’s have told me that I have pancreatic cancer”.

“What?” …What the hell are you talking about?”

“Michael, I need you to listen and focus right now”

What I had come to know of Dave was that he was, pretty much, a no-nonsense and no bullshit kind of guy. He had built and grown a hugely successful business from the ground up. With a rough exterior you could also tell he was an old-fashioned softy when it came to a lot of things. Though he and Michael seemed to have had a tumultuous relationship one could tell that he clearly cared for his son and wanted the best for him. Though his expectations were incredibly high it was obvious he was taking great care to walk Michael through this news and what was to come. During the course of this interaction I focused on Diane and reached out to hold her hand. With some hesitance she put her hand in mine and the two of us just sat and listened to Michael and Dave for a few minutes.

Dave took great care to take the time to explain to us, and primarily Michael, what all of this meant. He basically had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and it had been affecting him for a while. The doctor’s told him he was at Stage 4 and, in all reality, that meant that he did not have a lot of time left…maybe a year or so if it was treated aggressively. Dave went on to say that he was probably going to have to scale back his participation and activities at the winery as time progressed. He also told us that he and Diane were going to be doing some traveling as his health would allow. One of the things they had always planned, but never seemed to have time for, was to go to Italy and France.

I watched Michael’s expressions and body language as Dave was sharing the information. It was clear, at least to me, that Michael was feeling all sort of emotions and was working hard at not reacting. I had to wonder, to myself, why they chose to have this conversation in a public place but who am I to question. The conversation stopped and drifted to an awkward silence as I kept focusing on Michael. It seemed the right time to excuse myself from the table for a minute so I told them I had to use the restroom and was gonna go sneak a smoke. Yep, I outed myself in terms of the smoking thing…but at that point I don’t think it really was an issue for anyone. It may have been somewhat inappropriate considering cancer was the topic of discussion but that is hindsight on my part…I wasn’t thinking that at the time.

I ventured outside to a small enclosed patio with my glass of wine and I lit up. No sooner had I taken my first drag when Michael came busting through the door and grabbed my pack of smokes, took one, and lit up as well.

“What the fuck?” “Do you believe this shit…this shit that my dad is laying out there?”

I was somewhat dumbstruck when he said that. He paced back and forth on the patio basically hot boxing his smoke. He was red-faced and really, really agitated so I walked up and started to put my arm around him. He tried to pull away but I would not let him. I felt this intense need to hold him and, as we looked in each other’s eyes, he began to cry…tears just streaming down his face and then he started to shake…almost like convulsing…and I just grabbed him into a big hug where he sobbing increased into my neck and shoulders. After a few minutes he aggressively pulled away, almost pushing me aside and he started to pace again…

“No…no…NO…it’s not supposed to be like this…I have too much I want to do…to many things on my plate…I can’t do this!?

“Michael, I think you need to sit for a minute and let things sink in a bit”

“Fuck that…don’t you get it?”

“Yeah…I get it. You just got terrible news…sad news…you have every reason to be freaking out…but I think your folks need you in there with them…I think it’s a time to just show them some support”

“What the fuck do you know…why do I need to be the one to carry this…or carry them?”

This was one of those times where I say that personality trait that was not so flattering. His dad just told him he was dying…and his mom was sitting there just wanting to be hugged…and Michael was angry about how this was going to affect him. I didn’t get it. When I alluded to the part of my past when I lost my twin brother, at the age of 17, I have to say that, even at that young age, I was more worried about my parents than I was about how I felt. It took years and years for me to be able to examine my feelings of loss and, right here, right now, I was not understanding Michael’s reaction. I guess we all respond to terrible news and loss in different ways but this…this was not making sense to me. Michael threw his cigarette on the ground and looked at me…wiping his face with his sleeve. I would never forget that look. Somewhat unexplainable and almost spooky. It seemed a look of betrayal and intense anger…

“I’m going back in. Let’s get out of here when you finish your smoke”

“Do you think we ought to hang out for a bit or at least go back to their house with them for a bit?

“I said let’s go!”

I purposefully finished my smoke and then lit another. I felt as though even a few extra minutes might allow for him to calm down and try and spend the time with his parents. When I finished and went back inside I was met by Diane who was just coming out of the restroom. She gathered me up in a hug, said she understood Michael’s reaction, and then asked me to keep an eye on him tonite. I thought that was a bit odd but chalked it up to his reaction, his anger and his sadness. She told me that She and Dave were going to go home and that she would like Michael and I to come over to the house in the morning for brunch. I told her that I really felt like that was up to him but I would check in with her in the morning. She then apologized for “roping” me into this…setting me up to be the caretaker tonight…but that she couldn’t think of anyone else who could influence Michael and help him deal with his reaction to the news. I told her she did not need to apologize and that I thought she was giving me way too much credit…but I was happy to do what I could. Another hug and then she told me she thought this might be the perfect time to do the sunrise thing. I had to chuckle a little bit at that comment and I was in wonder as to how this woman could remain composed and yet still find a bit of humor in this whole evening meet up.

When we walked back over to the table Dave and Michael were standing up and, what started to me a handshake, turned into a father-son hug that lasted quite a bit. When they separated Dave came to me and hugged me as Michael and Diane walked out the door arm in arm. I felt a bit better about things…the few extra minutes alone with his dad seemed to calm Michael…at least for the moment so I was somewhat hopeful he was going to be ok.

The 15-minute drive from the restaurant to the apartment was going to be excruciating from my perspective. I was happy when Michael pulled into the little dive bar we had visited before. I felt like I needed a shot or two…a cocktail…and I was pretty sure he was of the same mind. We went in, sat at the bar, and ordered a shot and cocktail each. The next half an hour was more agonizing than I thought the car ride would be. We sat there, for over 30 minutes, in utter silence. I was having a really hard time gauging how he was doing and whether I should say anything. I did slip my hand under the bar and rubbed and patted is thigh a bit at which point he lowered his head staring down towards the floor. It was then I saw a few tear drops fall and hit the napkin on the bar. I felt as though the hardest part of the evening was watching this man suffer in silence and me not knowing what else to do or say other than to just be with him.

“Come on…lets go”he said as he threw some cash on the bar and got up and walked towards the door. I really did not know how to navigate what was happening other than to just go with the flow. We drove in silence back to the winery/apartment…went upstairs and he disappeared into the bathroom for quite a while. I tidied up the living area and jumped on my phone to check in with Corey at the restaurant. Things down there seemed to be good and I knew the restaurant was in good hands. Corey said they had had a pretty busy weekend but all went well. We chatted about a couple of the small events happening this week and then talked about the Christmas schedule. The restaurant would be open on Christmas Eve (One week away) for a traditional Italian, family style menu. My concept was to encourage our regulars to come in, take part in the pre-set menu and just have a good time celebrating the holiday. The restaurant would be closed Christmas day and then open for lunch the following day. We were all on the same page and I told Corey to call if he needed to and that I would see him day after tomorrow. He asked me if everything was ok…told me I sounded off…or at least really tired…I told him I would fill him in when I saw him in a couple of days.

With that conversation over I realized, when I put my phone down, that Michael was standing in the hallway just staring at me. He walked over to the kitchen and poured two glasses of wine and came over to the couch. He sat down and was just staring out into space. I hesitated to say anything and wasn’t sure what to say if I did. Again, it was awkwardly quiet other than the few heavy sighs that came out of him.

“I don’t know what to do…I mean I don’t know how to feel. It pisses me off that he told us that way and Diane just sat there…You would have thought…well…I don’t know what to think”

“Michael…I do not know what to say or do…it has only been a hour or two since you found out your dad is sick…I think you just need to let things sink in and take some time to process what…”

“Do you not get the part that I don’t have time…do you understand what all of this means?” His tone was angry again and it felt as though he was pissed at me for not getting it…or understanding how he felt. I was struggling with his tone and his attitude because it really sounded like he was taking all this personal…and not understanding the complexity and severity of the news he had gotten from his dad. I was also struggling with the fact that he was acting in a somewhat selfish way…or at least that is how it sounded.

“Buddy…I don’t want to say or do anything to make this worse than it is but it kind of feels like your anger is a little bit displaced…It sounds like you are angry at your dad and not so much the disease.”

“What the hell do you know? Do you not get how this affects us? How this affects where I want to go with you…with us? I mean…how is it you don’t get that?”

That whole train of thought pissed ME off, but I did not want this to flow into a full-scale argument between us…it would be our first…but I couldn’t help but feel somehow, he was turning the day’s events around on me.

“I don’t know what it means because you are not really explaining or communicating to me what you are thinking. We have gone from simple acquaintances to…well…I am not sure to what…but in the space of several months”

“Do you really not get this…about how I feel about you? Have I not made myself clear about what I want with and from us?

“Actually, no…you have not. I know a couple of things…I know we have a good time together…I know I am very intrigued by what IS happening and where it is going…And I know that I am falling for you! The other thing I know is that it is scary and new for and to me”.

“Then you really don’t know me at all do you?”

“I guess I don’t…and that is what I am trying to explain to you. I don’t want to screw this up but I honestly don’t know what your thoughts, hopes or intentions are…now or in the big picture…I feel like I am just kind of dangling in the wind with no clear idea of what is happening or what will come”

Another series of heavy sighs and a few tears and he got quiet again. I was rubbing his back and trying to console him all the while feeling my own anger and confusion rising. Was I to just suck it up and let him feel what he was feeling? Or, should I push the envelope and try and get it all out on the table. I just didn’t know and I felt totally out of my element with little or no control. I pulled him closer to me and he rested his head on my shoulder. I took both glasses of wine and put them on the coffee table and then I just held him for a while…a long while. Periodically he would lift his head and look at me but, for the most part, he stayed quiet looking down towards the floor. As minutes turned into hours we just stayed there. I couldn’t help but feel as though we should just stay that way but I couldn’t do it…as if he knew what I was thinking he said

“Let’s go take a walk…” “I need to get outta here”

“You know it’s snowing and down to about 25 degrees out there”

“Yeah…perfect time”

We bundled up and headed down the stairs. If it weren’t for the mood and the cloud hanging over us right then the weather was perfect. A light dusting of snow was coming down and it was, for this time of nite, really bright out. It seemed as though the whole landscape was glowing, and it was really quiet and peaceful at that moment. We had now started up the steep incline towards that familiar ridge of pine trees, and though it seemed miles away...it was really only about a hundred yards. We pretty much walked in silence but at some point Michael had grabbed my hand. We were headed towards the hot springs where I first got to see him naked…the night we went skinny dipping. I didn’t get the impression that skinny dipping was on his agenda this night. I figured he just wanted to be outside. We wandered a bit, followed a thin trail around the hot springs, and came to a large rock where we sat down.

“Ever since I got out of the navy, I have been looking for something. I can’t really explain it except to say that Walla Walla was not the place I wanted to end up. I have had a really hard time trying to decide what I wanted to do with my life and because I have figured nothing out I decided to go into the family business”

“I am good at what I do but its just not what I want to do. I guess if I had someone to share all of this with it would be different.

I started to say something and I got a look from Michael. It was like he had a speech prepared and he didn’t want me to interrupt him so I let it go…

“From that first time I saw and met you something was triggered. All these years of trying to figure things out…and just being something I am not…I mean not being who I want to be…It has just sucked…til I met you. I have thought about nothing but you for the past few months…well…not nothing…but where this could go…what we could be together. Had we not gotten that call from Diane…and then thinking about what that was about all the way up here…I was going to ask you to be with me…to be my partner…what ever that might mean for us…but I want us to be together. I know I am not good at feelings and talking…but I practiced the whole chat…and then this shit with Dad comes down…”

“Michael, I really don’t know what to say or how to react. I will tell you that this whole thing between us has caught me off guard. I mean…I don’t really know what it is or where it is going. I told you the other day that I thought I was falling for you…and I have…but…”

“But what?” “Don’t you feel the same way now”

“I do…but, on a good day, I don’t know where this goes…and the stuff with your dad is really complicated…not that it really has any bearing on how I feel…but I can see it has you all kinds of fucked up…and rightfully so…but I don’t think we should be having this serious a conversation about us right now…”

“Then when? Don’t you get it? The stuff with dad is going to dominate what happens”

“And it should…your focus should be on your family and what needs to happen”

“But I want to focus on us…I need to focus on us…I need you to focus on us!”

I let some of what he said sink in. I understood, better now, what was going on with him but I really felt like he needed to refocus his energy on the family shit. I finally got what he wanted…well…somewhat. It was now on me to dig in and figure out what was happening in my world. I truly was falling for this person but so much chaos surrounding that right now. I wondered if I should quietly back away and let things sort themselves out or would that ruin any chance of making this work. I thought that it might be better if I hung tight and became Michael’s support system rather than bailing out and risking the chance of this not working.

There really wasn’t much left to say at that point. Michael stood up, reached for my hand, and we started back towards the apartment. When we got in the door he began stripping off his clothes and, while I went into the bathroom, he got into bed and quickly fell asleep. He was clearly exhausted so I just went with it and got into bed too. Though I did not sleep much, tossing and turning most of the night, I was happy to just be stretched out and somewhat relaxed for a little while.