The Start

From your Author:

 For those of us who write; or any of us; we sometimes come to a block. Mine was a period in this story that I didn’t see going anywhere. That’s how I ended the last chapter, just let it go until whenever. It seemed I had no longer slept on it and here we are all again. I guess, when things suck when you let that go, along comes Something New.

 I am happy to see new writers on this site and stories posted in a timely manner. The amount of time between chapters sometimes irked me. I myself need to apologize for my tardiness on posting this chapter because it’s been almost a month. Yes, I have two other stories going at the same time, but no excuse for my lack of timing. RJC. 

Niki’s POV

If the little guy didn’t see it, he had four men, just beaming when they saw him, and he called all of them, Daddy. ‘Niki, I was gonna walk up to fifteenth and maybe get a Pizza; thought maybe he might want to tag along. What you say little, D Dawg?” And his arms went out to Robby.

Dean wasn’t the only lucky one. I was in school, worked a billion-dollar foundation on the side. I had four husbands-brothers-fathers, to my son. Life was good. I handed Dean off who was in just a diaper, to Robby, who said he would put clothes on him.

When they came down the stairs it finally struck me. All the guys bought him clothes, shoes, hats, don’t know who got him the Husky’s Letterman’s Jacket for a kid that was eight-teen months old? Dean was dressed like Robby, designer jeans, hat turned backwards, Robby in a Dawgs jersey, and Dean in his jacket, even the high-tops were the same.

“You do know he isn’t bait, right?” I had to let him know.

Robby tried to look dumb which is difficult for a person who was as smart as he was. Then he smiled.

“He is a chick magnet, Niki. Better than a puppy.” He told me like I didn’t know.

“Why would you do that?”

“It’s always been fun, Niki. I know how I look and girls have come onto me for years. It’s not like I need him and I’m not using him, but it is too much fun, Niki. Tell me that you don’t have fun when you walk in a bar and all eyes are on you?” And I thought about it.

“I just like to put girls like you in their place, hot, fuckin girls, like you. You know how it is?” We’ll be back in a while. Wave to Mommy.” I acknowledged his statement and the good-bye.

“If I’m not here can you just hang out until Jeff or Donny get back?” And he nodded shutting the door.

I went back to my laptop and the link had expired. I logged on to YouTube because where ever he was, things were loaded; millions of views. The latest; Don’t Close Your Eyes.

It was a Fair setting, small venue, the sun behind him sitting on a stool. Fucker, Fucker, Fucker!

‘I know you loved him… a long time ago; Even now in my arms… you want him I know.’ FUCKER!

I paused and went on line sending a mass email; Where is he? Niki.

I hit pause again. ‘But you know it’s time, let your memories die, but when you hold me tonight, don’t close your eyes.’

I hit pause again. RJ, Ryan, and I had been through a lot together. We hit bumps filming, sometimes a lot of takes, it was mostly me that held shit up and this was him telling me to; let, it, the, fuck, go.

‘Don’t close your eyes, let it be me. Don’t pretend it’s him in some fantasy. Will you just once let yesterday go? You’ll find more love than you’ve ever known. Just hold me tight, when you hold me tonight, don’t close your eyes’

Keith’s, Niki, texted me. His name was Grim. I know it sounds funny but that was always his look. I have no idea who gave it to him but there were a lot of us with one-word names. “He’s hitching a ride to North Dakota.”

I know it might seem funny for someone like me to have a Niki, of my own, but I do. His name is Brett, more than I ever was; I called. “I need to be in North Dakota by morning.”

‘I won’t call you a fool for holding on so long; lying with you in my arms knowing he’s in your mind. But I hope for you someday, that you’ll see the light. Let it be me, tonight. Don’t close your eyes.’

A text. ‘One AM. Brett’ I packed a go-bag and went to see Cass until I needed to head for the AirPort. I told her what had been happening, what the shit with RJ had been like, and came twice before I had to leave.

It was seven when I landed and a car met me, a room at The Lions, and I knew what he was doing. There can be some really good editing, things we didn’t need to do together, but I knew what he was doing. The last seine, Dean in his bed, dying. I was so… pissed when I pulled in and the trucks were packing up. I walked in the front door and saw Ryan and Dean’s mom looking at photo albums. “There’s our Girl. He said you’d be here any minute.”

“Did he?” As I opened my arms to my sons' Grandfather looking over his shoulder at RJ. That fuckin smirk on his face.

“Niki?” came from his Mom. “I’ve been going through the albums with Ryan.”

I put both hands on his shoulders smiling at mom; I was going to cut him up good.

The fucker reached for my hand, putting his over mine; Damn Him.

He pulled me next to him, “Have you seen these?” He asked.

The albums had grown since the last time I’d seen them. “Yes, Dumb Ass. I’ve seen them. What are you doing here?” I asked.

“Niki. Be nice.” I heard from Dean’s Mom in that mom's tone.

Guys were still going up and down the stairs, lighting, cameras, a bunch of shit. Dad was now behind me with his hands on my shoulders. “Come see the tree, Niki.”

Ryan smiled. The Fucker. “See the tree how big it’s grown; hasn’t been that long, it wasn’t big;” Dad said with an arm over my shoulder.

“Niki?” And I started to cry. His wing engulfed me, it felt like Dean. “Honey? Niki? I can’t handle tears.”

“How long has he been here?” I asked not wanting him to be uncomfortable he had a boy.

“He got here last night and the crew finished here at first light. I never had a fuckin chance, Niki. Never had a chance to tell my son how proud I was of him.” And he started to cry.

Now the tables were turned and it was I, to comfort the Father of my Sons’ Dad. We both cried. “He knew. You know he did. You know Ryan, isn’t Dean, right?”

“You know he isn’t, Dean, right, Niki?” He asked me back.

Fuckin older people and their wisdom. Mom stepped out and said, ‘Dinner.’ The albums had been cleared, Ryan was helping set the table, and I noticed the ring. It was Dean’s pinky ring.

“What did you guys do today?” I asked waiting to see who would answer first.

“We did the last seine, Nike. You won’t have to work with me again. It’ll be a green screen.” And he took a bite of chicken.

I was so…pissed. He thought I couldn’t do it, couldn’t look at him in Dean’s bed for the last time. This was a big thing, ‘I’m Just Dean Cooper.’ That was the title. Directors actually bid on the project; some willing to pay for the honor.

“Well I did the same so you wouldn’t have to look at me. So? Guess we’re even.”

His smile was contagious, we’d all stopped eating and I wish all eyes weren’t on me. “Niki. You will mind your manners, right now.” She said in the mom tone.

“This is total bullshit!” I said standing. “He shouldn’t be here, he should have never been in Dean’s room, and he sure as hell shouldn’t be wearing his ring.” And I stomped off.

RJ’s POV

“I’ll go talk to her, honey.” Dean’s mom said to me.

“No, this one is on me,” I said standing taking Dean’s ring off and handing it to her.

I walked up the stairs and stood outside Dean’s room. It was a very tough shoot. Niki shared everything with the directing team of Reiner and Howard. The exchange between them at the end when Dean told her how much he loved her and the email he sent her with his dying breath. I didn’t want to hurt her but there was NO way I’d let her cut me.

I knocked. “Go Away.”

“I’m coming in, Niki.” And I opened the door.

She was sitting on the bed with the pillow pulled to her chest. “Niki, don’t do this to yourself. Please.” And she stood.

She walked over and smacked me in the head with the pillow then dropped it walking back to the bed. “Now it just smells like you.” And she started to cry.

Niki didn’t like to cry and sure as hell, not in front of me. I walked up behind her trying to put my arms around her from behind but she didn’t reach for the knife. She pushed me away but I was right back putting my arms around her with my chin on her shoulder.

“Niki, Honey. Dean wouldn’t want you doing this to yourself.” And she made a feeble attempt to get away.

“Baby, turn around.” And she did. “Niki? Niki, open your eyes and look at me.” She shook her head NO with her face in my chest.

She looked up at me as a knock came to the door, “Not now, Mom.” I said.

I caught her chin with my finger making her look at me. “What do you see?” I asked.

“You know damn good and well what I see.”

“Let yesterday go, Niki. I wish I could be him for you, wish all the bad shit never happened, open your eyes, Niki.”

“Give me one night. I know you want it too. No one will ever know. Please.” She asked.

So, there it was out in the open. Yes, I wanted it. Yes, I wanted to give her that. Would the guilt eat me up for even considering cheating on Robby? Was it cheating?

We sat on the bed and I took her hand kissing it only to set it in my lap. “Niki? Will you let yesterday go?” And she nodded.

“Niki, come sunrise, I will let you go, understand?” And she nodded again.

“If Robby ever finds out he will leave me. I can’t knowingly hurt him like that and can’t even believe I’m considering this. I will understand if you want to close your eyes tonight, Niki.” And I stood.

“I won’t.” And she stood with her hand still in mine.

We opened the door and there stood Mom. “I’m sorry if any of this upset you, Mrs. Cooper.”

She put Dean’s ring in Niki’s hand then turned to me putting her arms around my neck pulling me into a hug. “I miss you so… much.” She let go and said, “You kids need to go. The cars out front.” And shoed us down the stairs.

When we got to the door Niki dropped my hand to hug Dean’s Dad. After a long embrace, he turned to me putting his hands on my shoulders and he squeezed. I hate it when people fuckin cry, especially men like Dean’s Dad.

I watched tears well in his eyes to the point of overflowing. “I’m so… proud of you, Son. I love you.”

“Love you too, Dad.” And I nodded turning for the door with Niki taking my hand again.

I put her in the car and said, “I need to walk for a few.” She got out telling the driver to follow us.

It was going to take a weekend with Phil to sort all this out. Niki twined her fingers in mine as we walked up the dusty road. “You made him very happy, you know?” I nodded not looking at her.

I broke the handhold to hook a thumb in her back pocket as her hand found my left. I felt it, knew what was going to happen, she leaned putting her face in my neck as we walked. We walked for more than a mile, didn’t talk about what was going to happen, the whole time wondering if I could walk away in the morning not looking back. We got in the car heading off to the hotel.

Robby and I have been together forever, haven’t been with anybody but him in longer than I care to remember but, I was drawn to Niki. There were so many things that didn’t add up like, the little guy, today calling Dean’s parents Mom and Dad, and the way Niki’s hand felt in mine. Dean Cooper and I spent an intense day together and part of a night.

Dean either lacked the mental capacity to keep me out or purposely, knowingly, freely, allowed me in; who fuckin knows? But my life and everything around me changed that day. I felt a sense of pride when I saw little D for the first time, I feel something inside when I hold Niki’s hand like I’ve known her forever.

My voice has changed, the way I carry a note, and how I’ve just grown into this crazy experience. It’s been just under a year, naked RJ in the press. I had rubbed elbows with a Prince, superstars, people I’d seen in concert or on TV I now called friends. And Dean Cooper’s son called me daddy.