The Start

It’s good to be back. This chapter is full of the stuff most log on to read but also has a lot of growth with or caricatures and storyline. If you don’t understand, go back to chapter one. What I write incorporates everything that has and is happening all around us today. I bring back some feelings I have for the Fed. We are so numb anymore.

What is happening in almost every city is heartbreaking in my eyes. A kid kills his mother and twin brothers then goes to school like nothing’s happened. What fucked that kid up? A police officer and his fiancé kill his eight-year-old son. What fucked them up?

Children are found living in a cage either in their parents’ home or the home of a human trafficker. A Country is slow to react to something for the second time and we all wonder if this is the rapture. This can’t be the new normal, or can it? RJC

The Thumb Drive

Niki’s POV

On Sir Dean’s birthday, April 8th, I received an envelope by currier from Parker. Dean wanted this delivered on his Childs first birthday; he’d been gone for a year and a half. There was no note; no nothing; just a thumb drive. That fucker.

I put it in my computer then saw him looking at me. He said my name as that Farmboy, dimpled smile, came across his face, then tears from a smile, then just tears. I hit pause. I handed off Dean to Smallville then took the computer upstairs.

Dean must have taken a pause also because he was back on the screen with no tears. “If you’re watching this Niki, I was right; we made a baby.” And he fought more tears. “I hope it looks like you. I don’t know if someone who was sick like I was, but I pray none of that was passed on.” And I hit pause again.

Over the last year, I had every test known to man run on our little guy. He couldn’t have been healthier. I wish Dean knew that.

“I understood Niki. I didn’t realize till after but, I knew. It’s what I was trying to do. Maybe because I was dying or just being eighteen with the hottest City Girl I’ve ever known. You’ll be a great Mom.”

I hit pause again and walked downstairs. “I’m going for a walk. No, I don’t need company.” I returned to their faces.

I remembered waffling back and forth whether to tell Dean I was pregnant. Realizing now that he was trying to make a baby with me, when he knew he was dying; just kind of fucked up everything. I thought about those days we spent together when Lil Dean was conceived; I didn’t know he was sick.

I don’t know what it was, don’t know why the mention of a condom was never brought up. There were hours spent talking curler up on the couch before we ever took a shower and got in bed; guess you can take the heat of the moment out of the equation. And if I were honest with myself having Dean’s baby wouldn’t have been a bad thing. And being more honest, maybe that’s what I worked so hard to pull from him.

I’d had enough for the night deciding to watch the rest tomorrow. The boys were on the floor playing with my boy. Our little guy was so lucky to have Donny, Jeff, Robby, and Ryan. He just started calling everybody, Daddy. It was kind of funny because when Dean hurt himself he expected three or more people to respond. And it was up to him who was going to kiss his booboo.

I woke in the morning and went down in my long tee for a cup of coffee. All three of my boys were asleep on the living room floor. Donny’s head was on Jeff’s stomach with Dean asleep between Jeff’s legs. All of them clad in ‘Paw Patrol’ underwear. I took a picture of them with Jeff’s one hand on Donny’s chest and the other cupping Dean’s face.

I thought about the thumb drive still in my computer wondering if I really needed to know. It was April and I sat on the upstairs deck opening my computer as I sipped the hot coffee listening to the click-clack of cars on the 520. I didn’t hit play right away wanting to drink in his face that hadn’t aged; didn’t show he was sick even though it was less than four weeks and he was dead.

“How fuckin ironic, Niki?” He had a serious look.

“It might sound selfish but, I hope it was a boy. If it was I’m sure you named him after his Daddy? If it was a girl, I pray you didn’t name her Dean-Ann or something like that.” And he smiled at his attempt for humor.

“I hope you are in school and for whatever reason felt compelled to take Donny and Jeff with you. You all need each other and will make a great family. Hope you like the boat.” And he smiled.

“Niki; if you could do one last thing for me.” And I saw him fight tears.

“Keep a diary. When the time is right play this. Just because Daddy isn’t there in body, doesn’t mean I’m not there in spirit.” And I hit pause again.

I let the tears roll over my cheeks finishing my coffee hitting play again “Niki; you’re gonna meet a guy. He’ll look and sound a lot like me; he’s not me but he is a stand-up act.”

When I heard the piano I hit pause walking downstairs and out on the deck knowing Ryan would be sitting enjoying his coffee. I sat acknowledging with my back to him and hit play. We were only about, eight-feet apart and I could almost feel him pucker. He fuckin knew.

“Each day I live I want to be, a day to give the best of me. I’m only one but not alone.” And I hit pause.

“I’m so… fuckin sorry, Niki. He swore me to silence. What was happening at, Elton’s; I had to do it. Don’t be pissed; he did this for you and the Little Guy.”

I hit play and we listened back to back as Ryan did what Dean couldn’t.

“You never told him about Robby or that you were gay, did you?” I asked.

“Not in so many words, Niki. He knew I was passionate about someone. Why do you ask?”

“Do you know what’s on this thumb drive?”

“Not all of it. I don’t know what he cut out.”

“Why don’t you tell me what comes after this song, Ryan? Tell me what you think he wouldn’t want me to see.” And I spun in my chair to look at him.

“He was trying to set us up. He thought I would or could fill the hole he knew would be left behind.”

“Yah Think?”

“I’m sorry this upset you Niki. He never told me what he was doing; it’s been all this time. I kind of assumed he’d given it to you or it was lost. Everything was recorded, our conversations, me teaching him Chop-Stix and peter-peter on the keys. He was in a lot of pain.” And he turned to look at me.

He wiped his eyes and locked them on mine. “When he talked of you everything about him changed, Niki; his eyes. I guess the only thing I could compare it to is how Robby’s are when he looks at me, or Jeff when he looks at Donny, your eyes when you look at the little guy.” It was like I couldn’t look away.

‘Other than the song you just played and the others; I haven’t a fuckin clue what’s on that. I need more coffee.” And he spun getting up and I wondered about the others.

“How would RJ feel about a working Lunch?” That was the distinction factor; RJ was work and Ryan was the guy next door. It reminded me of Dean and how he knew when I called him, Farmboy or Cooper, I was off the clock.

“The Yogurt place?” He asked.

“How about Jack in the Box? I won’t tell Robby.” I offered.

“God, Niki. I haven’t had an Ultimate in like forever. I’ll be ready in forty-five minutes. Wanna walk?” he asked over his shoulder.

“Make it an hour. I’ll meet you at the bench.” I offered back. It would be a working lunch trying to agree on a schedule.

I didn’t hear him walk up and when he extended his hand I took it. I’m not sure about him and I don’t know about myself but, it was three blocks and I realized I was still holding his hand as we talked, and I was ok with that. We talked and walked the next six blokes and his hand was so warm.

I told him what I wanted to eat setting up my tablet as he waited in line. I smiled as he brought the number 69. I had flashbacks to Barry’s. There was my breakfast sandwich and the tray was still full. Ryan had two ultimates’, curly fries, a half dozen little cups full of horsey sauce, ketchup, and napkins.

He unwrapped the first one then lifted the top bun and dumped a small cup of horsey sauce on top. He put the bun back on twisting and pushing it down then looked up to me tilting his head to the left and smiling.

“What Niki?” he asked. There was NO way I would cry.

It was becoming harder to look at Ryan and not see Dean. Between the hair, eyes, fuckin smile and dimples, stubborn attitude, and he didn’t see it. He really didn’t see it but it wasn’t just looks. He dressed like Dean. He wore his hair like Dean and the fuckin tight pants.

“OK, Niki. Why the look?”

I was still looking at his expression thinking about the blocks we walked hand in hand so comfortably as if I was walking with Dean.

“Niki? Why are you looking at me like that.?” He asked me in state.

“I haven’t hit play again. You said songs.” And I held breakfast between my fingers.

“I have NO idea what his goal was, Niki. We were in a green room; you know what that is, right? I had never been in one before.”

“I have been around for a while; you know? What songs?” And he took his first bite.

It was like Dean at Arby’s. The look that ran over his face and if I had a dick it would have been plumping up. He chewed for a while and his eyes opened. If there is such a thing as ‘cum eyes’ that would have described Ryan’s. I smiled.

“You’re gonna tell him, aren’t you?” and I shook my head No.

“Will you just shut up and let me watch you eat, Farmboy?” Think before you speak, Niki.

He put down the twelve hundred calories and folded his hands as he watched. I never meant to say that and Ryan caught what I hoped he wouldn’t.

He looked up at me and I said, “RJ. We have like five dates over the next ten days. We could, or you could fly back home or we could start in New York and take ten days to get back here.” It was like a gear shifted and Ryan picked up the sandwich engulfing half before he spoke.

“I don’t like being gone that long and the little guy doesn’t like to fly. Can you fix it so we can do a couple of things and fly back for a few days and then finish?” And he finished, his mouth full with the last bite and sucking his fingers.

“You’re not going to tell me, are you?” I asked him referring to the thumb drive.

“What if I tell you something he told me that was intimate? What if I tell you about a song and it’s not on the drive? I know you see him when you look at me but.” He stopped and started stuffing his face with curly fries. We walked back with my hands stuffed in my pockets.

Robby’s POV:

“So Robby; want to go for a ride?” He asked?

“Rye, I have class.”

“No, I was thinking about Thursday; you don’t have class on Friday.” I looked at him.

A knock came to the door; more like a pounding. I walked over and saw Niki through the pep. The minute I turned the handle she was in and marched right up to Ryan.

“You’re too fucking dumb for your own good. I cloned your phone, dumb ass, and hacked your email. Really? your birthday? FYI; I know when you take a shit. Don’t do anything without telling me first.” And I hadn’t closed the door yet.

“Take a fuckin breath, Niki. So, what.”

“RJ; every action has a reaction. You can’t just go all rouge. I mean; I loved Jeff Healey, too. You can’t do things behind my back.”

“Really Rye; a ride is on a plane to fuckin Toronto?”

“Don’t worry; he’s not doing it.” She assured.

“Like FUCK, I’m not doing it.” He growled at her.

“I really don’t know where you get off, Niki? Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate what you do but I’m not Dean Cooper; you won’t run my life like you did his.” Wow. I was proud of him for standing up to her.

She didn’t even reach down; her knee came up and the knife was in her hand. “You take that back right now or I’ll open you up.” He had crossed a line and knew it.

Ryan’s POV:

Robby picked up a lamp and I had to stop him before he cold-cocked her. I disarmed her with a wrist pressure point and know the knife was in my hand.

“Never hold a knife like that, Niki. Hold it like this,” and I showed her then handed it back.

“Do you want a lesson? I will try not to hurt you, Niki. Now come at me like your life depended on it.” I saw it on her. I tried to shake the tears off thinking about what I’d say next, “No better yet; like the Little Guy’s life depends on it.”

I was surprised at her lack of timing when she lunged at me. I stopped her cold; put one foot behind her ankles and pushed her back. She was now on her ass and getting up quick.

She came at me again and as I grabbed her right wrist twisting it back over her shoulder I planted the palm of my right hand to her forehead; a little too hard. Niki landed on the floor about five feet away.

I was down on my knees next to her; I so… didn’t want her to cry. I hate it when girls cry. I didn’t mean to palm her the way I did she was just closer than I thought when I locked my elbow.

Niki was nowhere close to crying when I felt the sharp steel against my neck and saw the smile on her face. “Want to go again, dumb ass?” She asked. I stood and reached down to help her up with the biggest smile.

“You are not doing the Healey, thing.” And she made a swipe.

“I’m not just doing ‘The Healey’ thing, Niki. Everything will go to the ‘Daisy’s Eye Cancer Fund” And I did a roundhouse catching Niki in the shoulder and she was down.

“If you are going to carry a knife; you better fuckin use it or just flop on your back and wait to be raped.” And I reached for her hand again.

“What in the hell are you trying to prove, Ryan?” she asked accepting my hand.

“I want to do all I can, Niki. I want to make Dean, proud.” And when she was on her feet I put her down again.

“Come on; cut me. You’re just a fuckin girl that carries a knife and will die by the blade you pack. Now fuckin come at me.” I was pissed. I loved Niki and wanted her to be strong.

“Too slow” And she was on her ass again.

Now just so you understand I have never hit a woman. Never would. I did love Niki and loved her like a sister. As I said, I’ve never hit a woman. But if my little sister needed a lesson; I’m your bro. She was unable to anticipate my next move. She was up; then down again. It happened over and over.

Robby’s POV.

June Twentieth; Ryan’s Birthday.

I answered the door and I’m sure my mouth dropped. Standing before me was a guy with dishwater blond hair, in a tee-shirt, amazing eyes, and a guitar hanging over his shoulder. “Is this where RJ, lives?” He asked with an accent.

“You’re, Keith Urban,” I said in shock like he didn’t know who he was.

“Is this where RJ, lives?” He asked again.

“Is, he, expecting, you?” I questioned still in shock sounding like this kind of shit happens all the time.

“Can I come in?” He asked as I opened the door all the way gesturing with my hand.

Ryan was upstairs when I yelled for him and Keith sat down looking out on the water. Either this was something Rye hadn’t told me or he was going to be as surprised as I was. He was.

Keith stood turning to Ryan coming down the stair and I watched him stop; the color drained from his face. I know he doesn’t like surprises and this was big.

“RJ, I’m Keith Urban, it’s good to finally meet you. Fuck: do you know you look like Dean Cooper?” And I watched Ryan’s stunned, face.

“You’re Keith Urban,” He said sounding like me.

Niki came through the door I’d failed to close. “Keith Urban is going to be here any minute,” she said breathlessly.

“You’re Keith Urban,” Rye announced again and I could tell by his breathing he was ready to have an attack.

I gave Niki the stink eye. Ryan was still recovering.

I listened as Ryan tried to calm and then the look of another attack came when Keith told him what he wanted to do. He was challenged by the Country Music Awards to do a tribute to Glen Campbell and Roy Clark. He wanted Ryan to perform with him.

“Why me,” Ryan asked? That was all he had.

“Why not you?” He asked back looking at Niki.

“No really? Why me?”

“I just found out about this.” She said to Ryan. “You said you were at the airport not standing at his door, Keith.” She seemed to give Keith an extra pissed look.

“First, I need to know what you can do and I want your input on what I have in mind,” he finished handing Ryan a list of songs asking if he knew any of them. Ryan smiled.

Niki pulled me off to the side. “You better call his, Doctor.”

I watched Ryan and he asked for a minute then stood to walk out on the deck.

“Let’s see how he handles this, Niki.” And we both watched him.

“You don’t understand. I haven’t told him a lot of shit. They want him to present at The AMA’s next month and they want him to perform too. If we time it right, we could release his single the week before.” She finished like she was reminding me about something I’d forgotten.

“SINGLE? What the fuck are you talking about?” I swear I’d have cut her if I carried a blade.

“Don’t you guys talk? He’s recorded the song Barry wrote. It’s fuckin awesome.” Now there were two people I wanted to cut.

Ryan did well. There was no hyperventilating, no shakes or sweats, he did really well. Niki and I left him alone with Keith for about two hours while Niki filled me in at her house. Ryan’s schedule was double booked.

“He wants you in Vegas with him day after tomorrow; he’s doing a thing with Pink.”

I was up pacing back and forth. I thought I was going to have one of Ryan’s attacks. “What the fuck?” And Donny waved his arms around pointing at Dean asleep in the corner.

“What the F, Niki?” I whisper yelled. “He hasn’t said a word about any of this.”

“Well I haven’t told him about the AMA’s and I didn’t know about Keith until he landed. I told him about Pink yesterday and he said he wanted you to go. I assumed he told you.”

“You can’t do this to him, Niki. Damn it Niki; you just can’t do this to him. He needs time. Ryan is running out of steam and if you allow this to continue he will snap. Cancel everything.” I demanded.

“Are you, out, of, your, fuckin, mind?” And Donny was waving his arms in the air again.

She had a grip on my arm and drug me to the other room. “He has commitments. He’s doing fine.”

“He’s not, fuckin, fine, Niki. I find him just spacing out, he cries in his sleep, and you just don’t see what I do. Cancel everything.” And I pulled my arm from her hand.

“Can’t do it.” She said rocking her head. “He is on the marque in Vegas with Pink. I can cancel some of the shit between now and The AMA’s and The CMA’s, but that’s the best I can do.”

“If you break him! I swear I will hold your head underwater until the bubbles stop, Niki. He is so close to the edge; he doesn’t even know.” And I turned going back home.

From your Author:

This feels like coming home. I can’t speak for all Author’s but for me, this is like a child I nurture. I feed it words watching it grow and share with you. To those of you expecting four fingers up my ass and a chin resting on my balls; you were a test. Sorry. RJC.