The Start

                 The Start: Final Chapter.

                      From your Author:

       Yes, we have come to the end. This chapter is over ten thousand words and twice as long as the others. I would like to thank all those who commented, emailed me, and everyone who rated. A special thanks to Eddie.

       I’ve had readers say my chapters have a soundtrack and this chapter has some good music. In the end, I will ask you a question and I really need an answer. Enjoy.

                        Rick’s POV:

       Life was good. Yeah, the shooting and all, but, life’s good. Dean and I haven’t talked but I talk to Max every day. He and Jeff are helping to take care of Donny. I guess I was lucky because I wasn’t drug into the news stuff. I had done a stint with AB&F but, I’d landed a spot on a soap opera.

       I was one of those kids that went upstairs in diapers and came back down all this and then some. My character had attitude. OK. I was a whore. In my first three seines, I fucked two sisters that would come out later as my cousins and one was pregnant.

       I was fucking the hell out of one of the girls on the show as well as a guy who did makeup.

Now I prefer to bottom but this guy wanted an aggressive top and I knew I needed to clean up my act if I wanted to keep working.

       The night I told him it was over he got the most aggressive top I could muster. It made me mad. I wanted what I had with Dean and this wasn’t me. I wanted to hold on and be ridden to orgasm then cuddled; not have to chock this guy on my dick, and I did chock him.

       I did the grossest thing I could think of and pulled my slimy and shit covered dick from his ass and shoved it down his throat then wiped it off on his face telling him we were through and kicked him out of my trailer.

                            Niki’s POV:

       We were still busy but with Dean breathing down my neck I was ready to blow. “Dean, maybe you should take a pill?” I said to him. That did not go over well. Think before you speak, Niki.

       “That’s your fucking answer for everything, isn’t it Niki? Give poor little Dean a pill.” He growled at me. He had just stopped. He was breathing hard and I saw him fighting tears.

       I handed him a notebook. “If you can’t use your words; just go sit in the tub and write.” It wasn’t a request. He looked at me. I pointed my finger and he walked into the bathroom.

       It is not like Dean was there during the shooting and all but, he was suffering. He did have PTSD from finding Rick, and he heard all of this on the phone. I don’t know how much time passed before he came out. I saw him put his coat on as he threw me the notebook I gave him and walked out of the room before I could ask him where he was going.

                           I didn’t know:

       I didn’t know when I opened my eyes this morning; I didn’t know.

       I didn’t know riding to school with my friends this morning; I didn’t know. I didn’t know.  

       I didn’t know what was happening when the shots rang out; I didn’t know. I didn’t know. 

       I didn’t know, I didn’t know, I didn’t know.

       It’s quiet now and I’m on the floor; I didn’t know. I didn’t know.

       I’m looking at the face of a girl I didn’t know. I didn’t know.

       I can’t move and the girl I didn’t know was still looking at me: she hadn’t blinked. I didn’t know.

       Things are happening around me but I can’t hear them: I see people moving; I didn’t know.

       Everything is red and I didn’t know. 

       I’m cold and the girl I didn’t know is still looking at me: I didn’t know.

       I’m sorry; I didn’t know.

       ‘I wish I was dead’ was the last thing I said to you last night, Mom. I didn’t know. I didn’t know, Mom. 

       I didn’t know. I didn’t know. I didn’t know. 

       I woke up this morning and didn’t know it would be the last time I woke up. I didn’t know. I didn’t know. I didn’t know.

       I’m sorry my friends: I didn’t know. 

       I do, and will always, remember you. I didn’t know.

       I didn’t know the last time I saw you would be the last. I didn’t know. I didn’t know. I didn’t know.

       I read it over and over. I took a picture of the page and sent out a mass text. Responses’ came one after another along with calls. Elton was saying, ‘Let me see what I can do.”

       Barry said, “Give me a day.”

       I went to find Dean. I didn’t have to go far. He sat just outside the Mayflower; off Central Park. I sat down next to him as he stared at nothing. He didn’t look at me but his hand reached out and I took his in mine and kissed it. “Dean.”

       “I did know Niki. I knew what was going on and I didn’t do anything. I’m trying to rationalize it all away thinking, I’m just a kid. Who is going to listen to me? If I’d of had the balls and stepped up for Donny a long time ago things might be so… different today.”

       “Dean, you can’t do this to yourself. You didn’t know this would happen. You didn’t know. Just accept that you didn’t know.”

       Dean hadn’t been home in a month and a half. He asked for a tablet when we came back from England and that had kept him off my back a little. I would watch him sitting with his knees pulled up, tablet in front of him, and headphones on.

       He was doing something. “Niki? I think it’s time for me to go home.” He finally told me out of the blue. I know my mouth was open and then he got up and sat next to me. “You know when things like this happen radio stations have a list of songs they won’t play. How fucked up is that? They have a list because it happens all the time anymore.”

       He put his headphones over my ears and hit play on his tablet and walked to the window. I recognized the music and the screen filled with birthing pictures and hospital nurseries. ‘The first time ever I saw your face.’ At first, I thought how inappropriate, because of the way he sang it to me, and then I really thought.    

       Random pictures of mothers and fathers seeing their child for the first time ran across the screen.

       “I thought the sun rose in your eyes and the moon and the stars were the gifts you gave to the dark and lonely skies, my child.”  

       Dean had changed the lyrics and sentiment to mean something totally different than the words he sang to me. His face was to the glass and he didn’t turn around to look at me.

       “The first time ever I kissed your skin.” I watched pictures of women nursing for the first time; of baby holding moms finger for the first time. I started to cry because I knew what he was going to do.

       ‘I felt the earth move in my head like the trembling heart of a captive bird.” Pictures of babies faded in and out. “That was there at my command, my child. That was there at my command. Dean had turned now and was looking at me.

       “And the first time ever you lay on me. I felt your heart so close to mine, mine.” I had tears running down my cheeks and a smile on my face. I stood walking over to him tucking my head under his chin and just listened to the end in the headphones holding him.

       “Do you think this is a good idea, Dean?” I asked wondering what going home would mean considering what he wanted to do.

                                Wet      

       “I have to go home, Niki. It’s been too long. We all need to heal.” I know he was seeing my fish-face.

       “What do you want, Dean?” Two hours later he gave me my marching orders.

       He had given me a directive. ‘Do you think anyone will come?’ he finally asked thinking of his request. I had a fuckin week. “Niki will do, what Niki does best, Farmboy. This is going to cost you.” And I put his phone to work.

       It was June fifteenth and Dean’s return, that’s what it was. How many heartthrobs from North Dakota do you hear about? Oh yeah, and his school got shot up. He called it a reunion and I refused to give this potential fiasco a name. It was held at the same stadium where it all started with Rick. We’ll just call that, BN, before Niki.

       I told him I would do what I could, but. I did remember telling him a month ago, ‘they would move heaven and earth for you if they could.’ He really didn’t understand what that meant. I didn’t either. We both got schooled.  

       Four motor coaches pulled into the stadium and every person I had talked to or texted got off those buses; more even. Dean was in a locker room and saw none of this. He expected to go out alone because I couldn’t confirm or deny who, if, anyone, was coming.  

       If they needed to hate; he was willing to give himself as a sacrifice someone needed so the healing might start. He had prepared himself. So he thought.

       This morning was a sound check for him. It was just Dean and he sang acapella. You don’t even know what that’s like. He had NO idea how good he was. And I mean he was fuckin clueless. He could hold or hit a note not even knowing what note it was. He just kept asking me “what?” I didn’t know how to tell him or if I even should.

       I’m three years nine months older than Dean and we have rocked each other's world once. Ok, three times the same night and that’s what I thought about during lunch at a fast food place. ‘Yes, Arby’s.’  

       Dean’s stress level started to rise. The building had filled to capacity and I went to get him. He was sitting in the far corner on the floor, head in his hands. When he heard me come in he stood giving me a smile like everything was fine. That was Dean. “Nice try, Farmboy.”

       I reached out and his chin rested on my shoulder. I kissed him behind the ear and told him, “You don’t have to do this, Dean.” And I could feel his chest shake and he put the headphones on. “I got this. Honest.” Fuckin liar.

       Dean was led to a stool in the dark. Like flashlight on the ground, dark. How fucking creepy. He had to be shitting bricks, I know I was. A single spotlight shined down on him as he sat looking at the floor. He thought he was surrounded by studio musicians along with school choirs and bands.  

       The light was on him and he couldn’t see anything. The screaming electric guitar played by Keith sounded and then stopped. I could hear the boos. Angry haters started screaming. As bad as it sounds, I wanted to fuckin kill people and I know I wasn’t the only one. I don’t think he could hear it. I hoped he couldn’t. His Mom did and I knew she wanted blood. I got your back, mom.

       His head moved back and forth as he settled into the sounds then he looked up to the light with his eyes closed. “We feel it in our fingers;” He started, reaching out. “We feel it in our toes.” 

       Dean stood never being able to sing sitting down. He wore a headset with a mic as he waved his hands around dramatically to the unseen audience with a smile and tears he didn’t hide. He had found a medium falsetto. This was way more than rehearsal. “Their love is around us, and so the feeling grows.”

       Dean can’t help but move when he sings and it is the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen. He doesn’t even know. I compared him to Michael Jackson when he said he was going to do one of his songs on the next album. It started a conversation.

       “You know, Niki, I’m a black or white kind of person, but; Take Michael for example; do I think he was a pedophile? Fuck yes I do. Was he a musical genius? Fuck yes he was, but that doesn’t give him a pass. He’s not a good example.”

       Now, I’m not religious, I am NOT religious. I could feel something, though. If I was in LA I would think an earthquake was going to happen any minute. That’s what it felt like.

        Dean continued. His voice was like a lonely echo with so… much heart. He was on the big screen and I could see his fear and the wet eyes I hoped everybody could see. His Mom hugged me.

       Flowers and little animals were on the screen behind him now along with old tractors, trucks, and miles of wheat fields. And the words to the song he was singing. This was a DC production. He’d planned everything. So he thought.

       He had rehearsed this and the other songs but he didn’t know who was backing him; if anyone. Niki, don’t let her boss down! And his friends don’t let him down, either.  

       I had never heard a sound like this come from him, not even in the tub. He looked into blackness as he poured his heart out. For the most part, it was still dark and Dean had no idea. He had this thing when he’d bend over and swing pushing more air out as he sang.

       “They wrote it on the wind.” I saw the recognition on his smiling face and he turned around hearing them in his headset. Lights slowly came on and his friends sang behind him. “It’s everywhere we go. Oh yes, it is. And if we really loved them; then now it’s time to let them go.” 

       Music continued to play as Dean greeted his friends singing and he moved from one to another. A kiss was planted to Keith’s cheek from behind as he played and he did the same to Elton with an ‘I love you.’ The high falsetto joined him. Barry. Grampy.

       It pained me to see him hurting but he did what he came here to do with such humility. This guy had raised half a billion dollars and he was humbled today, as I think they all were. It’s not right. I’ll never understand this backward State and the kids they raise.

       His Mom hugged me from behind. “You know we love you and always will; our minds made up by the way that we feel. There’s no beginning, there’ll be no end, cause on their love we can depend.’ This seemed to be going good.

       We see your faces before us as we lay crying on our beds. I kind of get to thinking of all the things you said; oh yes we do.” He was back on the big screen and tears rolled over his cheeks as friends gathered around and protected Dean as he cried and they sang for him.

       Dean’s friends, Whoopi, Tom, Keanu fuckin Reeves. Dwayne the Rock Johnson, Bon Jovi, Carol King. Just a few. The place held fifty thousand but the way it was set up probably thirty thousand people with a roped off section on the floor for three hundred or so.

       Security was tight. There was talk of Dean wearing a vest or a bullet-proof trench coat. He refused. A little girl, maybe five, slipped between the legs of a Police officer and ran towards Dean on the field. There was like a big gasp.

       He met her halfway and he’d stopped singing as he knelt in front of her. There he was on the big screen with this little girl in front of him so close we could all hear her in his mic. “Please don’t cry, Dean.” And she ran her small hands over his cheeks and the waterworks started as she hugged him.

       Music continued as the heart wrenching seen played out. Dean stood and she held her arms out and he picked her up and starting singing again with her little head tucked under his chin.  

       “You gave your promise to us and I gave mine. We need someone to promises too. I gave mine to you. We need someone beside us. It’s written on the wind. It’s everywhere we go.” Now came the hard part.

       “So if you really loved them, come on and let it show.” Dean was hoping for forgiveness for Donny. “Let it go. Let them go.”

       Dean had me make arrangements to have Donny’s Dad and Brothers cremated. We both knew that a funeral was out of the question and any kind of headstone would be vandalized.  They would just rest in plastic boxes.  

       I think after the first song the playlist went out the window. He did ‘Everybody Hurts’ with Kelly on one side and Pink on the other and then a voice just blew up. Josh Grobin. “Sorry I’m late, Dean.” He could definitely be Niki’s type. I saw an older version of Dean Cooper with messy hair.

       Most of the people from the Friends album were here and he did most of the tracks. ‘Bridge’ was making its way up the chart; Dean and John rolled out a live version. I knew we had to be getting close to the end; Dean hadn’t even had a drink of water. I saw him look at me and nod.

       What he’d done on his tablet had been loaded into the big screen. When I paused looking at him from a hundred feet away I understood he meant, now. I said into the headset I was wearing “OK”

       Dean sat next to Granny as he started to play. He stood and put his hands on Elton’s shoulders. ‘The First Time.’

       When it ended there was a long pause. Then people were on their feet and the place erupted. I wished it would have been me but his mom pushed me aside and walked out to Dean with a bottle of water. I heard her in his mic as she hugged him. “Who are you? And what have you done with my little boy???”

       “It’s me, Mom.” He said holding up his hand. “This came out of my dinger.” Showing off the stone he had mounted with diamonds surrounding it on his little finger. I think things might get better. People were still on their feet and I walked out to him as he watched me over his Mom’s shoulder. He kind of slithered from her and wrapped his arms around me and I felt the weight of him relax and I didn’t know if I could hold him.

       Some of his friends came and hugged the both of us, some went to the roped off section to meet families and survivors. There was no ego, no one wanting to be better than another, and honestly, they all knew nothing could meet or beat Dean’s passion. And so they didn’t even try.

       Dean was drenched. His hair was slicked to his head and drips were still falling from his chin. “Are you OK,” I asked?

       He nodded with his face in my neck. “Are you lying to me?” He nodded again and took a deep breath.

                          The next day

       It had gone viral. YouTube damn near crashed and Twitter was teetering. CNN, Fox, and local news had trucks outside the Lions in the morning. It had been a late night and I let Dean sleep as I worked out a schedule with the guys outside. I knew Red Bulls were ‘firing squad’ worthy, but.  

       When I went back up to the room it was full of his friends and Dean had pulled on a pair of jeans, commando. That’s it; I’m going to have to start wearing a pad all the time.

       It was like when I came in they all knew he had to follow up with what happened last night and the goodbyes didn’t last much longer.

       He looked at me across the room and curled his finger beckoning. He wrapped his arms around me and lightly kissed my neck. “You know I.” and I squeezed him so he’d stop talking. I felt him.  

       “Don’t spoil it, Farmboy. It’s ok.”

       “How did you manage all that, Niki?” he questioned.

       “All I did was ask, Dean. They did the rest. I think they like you. And that will be a thousand, hale Niki’s’” I finished.

       An hour later things had been set up in the lobby because Dean said he wouldn’t sit in a truck. Fox. Dean had never given them the time of day and he chose them first. The lawsuit was still pending.

       “Well, Dean, You look good.” The clown started. “That was quite a comeback you put on last night. Took everybody to church, didn’t yah?” as he kind of rocked his head back and forth.

       “Well, Dick, I didn’t know I had gone anywhere,” Dean said showing his teeth.

       “It’s Don, Dean. When I talked to your handler this morning she told me you planned all of this.” We were now on the downhill side of the ride.

       “First, Dick,” And he smiled showing those award-winning dimples. “Nobody handles Dean Cooper. Second, I do what I did last night and she did everything else. If not for Niki’s generosity we wouldn’t be talking right now, Dick.” And I thought I saw a smile forming on his face.

       “Yeah, it’s Don, Dean.” He started; sounding like a used car salesman. “I have to know? Whose idea was the little girl? That was the best stunt I’ve ever seen.” And the hint of a smile on Dean’s face faded.

       He held up a finger reaching into his pocket with the other hand pulling out his phone and acted like he was having a conversation. He asked, “Are you sure. He’s not going to like that.” And he put the phone back in his pocket.

       I don’t know how long it takes to blink your eyes but, I missed it. Dean leaned forward and slapped the guy so hard and so fast that all I saw was his head spin.

       Now it was pandemonium. Fox Live. Dick was standing screaming at Dean. “You hit me! You can’t hit me. Arrest him.” He said to the six cops that were standing around. None of them moved as Dean relaxed back in his chair.

       “Technically, I slapped you. That was your mother on the phone, Dick. She told me she’d raised you better and you needed a slap. I listen to every body’s mom.” And he kind of made a motion and Dick jumped back.

       “Sit down, Dick. You deserved that and you know it. Now to answer your question; I knew her big sister. I remember Amie when she was born. She has been comforting crying people for weeks and that is what she wanted to do for me. Happy, fuckin, birthday, Dick?” And he pulled the mic off standing then walked over to me. He looked back and gave Dick the finger.

       By the time he did CNN he’d watched the whole thing in slow motion with Don Lemon asking if Dean was going to hit him. “Only if you deserve it, Dick. Ok, I know; sorry, Don.” He said smiling reaching over to squeeze his shoulder.

       “Dean, not since Michael Jackson have so many superstars come out for someone. What do you attribute that too?”

       “I think they are all wonderful people. All Niki did was ask, Don, and they came.” Dean smiled at me.

       “Well, it seemed to me that they just wanted to shine a light on the real star of the night. That first song was your choice?” And Dean nodded.

       “I can safely say Dean, you were emotional. I totally get it. Amie’s big sister was your girlfriend up until last year, right? Julie, right?” And Dean nodded. “That little girl broke the hearts of millions Dean, including mine.”

       “Dean, I have to ask; why didn’t you come back for any of the funerals’? Why would you stay silent when those other networks said such awful things about you?” 

       “Well, Don. To answer your first question: it wouldn’t have changed a damn thing. I worked hard trying to stay focused and it just would have brought pain down on me even worse than I suffered. I spent time with Barry along with Elton and his family. Niki has been my rock.

       I think ‘my comeback’ as Dick called it, was the best I could do to help myself and everybody start to live with a big hole it their hearts.” And Don just kind of sat there with his mouth open a little.

       “And as for not engaging the haters; you saw what happened to Dick.” And they both laughed.

       “Dean, I would love to have you on my show or in my living room, I don’t care. I want to spend time with you just talking. I have a feeling there is more to, Dean Cooper, than meets the eye.” And he reached out and shook Dean’s hand and wished him an early Happy Birthday.  

       After interviews and two days of having dinner and supper with different families, I woke up to Dean getting dressed. He told me he had to go to Bismarck. I went everywhere with him and when he told me he was going alone I was surprised, to say the least.

       “Nikita wants some ‘Dean’ time. Don’t be jealous.”      

       Everything went crazy. Dollywood on his birthday was amazing. The Ghost album came out; Sony fast-tracked it, and Dean spent three months doing the follow up double album. And he was set to be a performer and presenter at the upcoming AMA’s. The talk was he would be receiving a few as well.

       I remember the date, August 8th. Dean was down to just two tracks left on the first side. He had talked JT into bringing Dream Works on board, despite the cost, and everything just fell into place. His last album with Sony would look like the original Star Trek compared to this one, The Next Generation.

       Dean came in and said he was taking me to dinner and we wound up at this little hole in the wall on the wrong side of town. When we walked in I thought he made a huge mistake. We were the only white people in the place. I took his hand like trying to tell him and this big black man came out. The closer he got his look didn’t change then a smile broke out on his face.

       “Pops,” and Dean’s arms opened up to hug the man who was wearing an apron covered in god only knows what.

       “Kid, you came back to see, old Pop’s?”

       “I didn’t come back here to see your ugly old ass. I came back for some of that slop you feed me the last time.” And they slapped each other on the back and he looked at me.

       Dean’s arm went around my waist and he pulled me close in a possessive kind of way. “This is Niki, Pop’s.” And I could tell he had pride in his voice introducing me.

       The big black man went to wipe his hands and I opened my arms and gave Pop’s a Niki hug. I’ve been told it’s something special. I had to play into whatever Dean was trying to pull on me.

       He kissed me on the top of my head before turning to the occupants’ saying, “Look, everybody. ‘The kid’ came to have dinner with us and this here skinny white girl is Niki. She’s family.”

       Dean took my hand pulling me to a table. “Ok, Dean, spill.”  

       “What?” he asked with dimples.

       “This here, skinny, white girl. Really? They do know you’re not black, right?”

       “From now on, you’re family. And that’s all that matters, Niki.”

       “Fox News says your doing drugs, Kid. That true?” an old man asked trying to stand.

       If you can imagine a ND boy trying to talk ghetto shit. “Whatcha talking bout, olman? Oh no, did they take your Wheel a Fortune and Jeopardy off the air and all you gots that shit? You know me better than that.” And Dean got up walking over to him.

       “Don’t you go getting all high and mighty on me, boy? I can open a can of whoop ass on you like you ain’t neverseen fore.” And he started to cough.

       “Sit your tire old ass down now fore you busts a hip.” And Dean helped him sit then kissed him on the head.

       He sat down in front of me straight-faced. Ok, I know how to play, Stare, too. Dean lost and I realized how much I loved his dimples.

       “Good one, Dean. Pat yourself on the back. You punked Niki. But I knew when we walked in. You paid everybody in here, didn’t you? There’s a camera, right? I’m not a fool, Farmboy.

       White folk don’t wander into an all-black restaurant and act like a raging horse’s ass and expect to walk out. And who are you trying to fool with that lingo anyway?”

       He ignored me. “What are we doing tomorrow, Niki? Fuck that. We need a break. Let’s take the week and just.” He stopped as he looked at me.

       “Just what, Dean?” I asked.

       “I really don’t want to have this conversation here, Niki.”

       “What conversation, Dean?” I really didn’t know.

       He leaned in, “Niki? You never told me if I was.” And he shook his head.

       “If you were what, Dean?” I couldn’t get a read on him at all.

       “Come on, Niki.” And he took in a deep breath blowing it out dramatically.

       “Words, Dean. I need more words.” I said a little too loud.   

       “You’re just going to make me say it, aren’t you?” he asked, bristling.

       “Dean? I don’t have a fucking clue what you’re trying to say.” And our food came.

       We started to eat. I just wanted more of whatever was on the plate. I started to ask what it was and Dean just shrugged. “OK. I don’t want you to go getting all constipated on me so why don’t you just ask whatever you want the answer to.”

       “When we were in London; you never said anything after.” He said with such question.

       I realized immediately. “Well, you didn’t either.” I returned as a defense.

       His hands went flat down on the table and he stood. “Come on Niki. Was I any good or not?” And you could have heard a pin drop.

       “I could ask you the same question.” as I threw my napkin on the table and stood leaning into him.

       “It’s not like I had anything to compare it to, Niki? At least you had.” My hand came up.

       “I swear I will cut you. Do you really want to do this now?” There were a lot of eyes on us.

       “You started it. Come on, Niki. You’re killing me here. I expected something, but nothing. I really thought I brought my A game.”

       “OK. I’m gonna give you a free card.” And I lowered my voice. “Dean, you took me there like five times. A swimming pool between my legs is something that’s never happened before. Are you fucking happy now?”

       “What’d she say,” the old man yelled out to the women sitting next to him?

       “She told’m he rocked her world in the sack.” She hollered back.  

       “So I was good???” Dean seriously asked ignoring the fact that everyone in the place was waiting? Eighteen years old and the smile and dimples were of a kid in a candy store.

       “Damn rights you were good, Kid. Jump back in there and get some more.” That old man with no teeth said.

       “Tell you what, Leroy. How about you worry bout what’s in your pants and leave me to take care of what’s in mine?” And he turned back to me.

       “Dean, I’ve only tasted your fruit once. To be fair, I think I need a few more bites. What about you?” I asked. I think I just got payback and he realized it.

       Dean and I just had a very private conversation in a restaurant. Dean took my hand when we were done and we engaged everyone. I really don’t see skin color and we spent thirty minutes just getting out of the place.  

       He told me we could go anywhere I wanted and we didn’t go anywhere. We spent five days in something deep: whether talking or making love. I really wish Dean would have been the guy to set the bar for the guys that got in my pants before him.

       Now I don’t know if it was because of his buddies; Dean is generous in bed. I guess he was right. He had nothing to compare to until now. And he took direction very well. We did what lovers on a vacation did when on vacation. I’m sure we tasted every inch of each other. Dean and I had London and we hadn’t come together like this in months. I actually thought he sampled the other fruit and made up his mind and didn’t know how to tell me. He hadn’t made up his mind but he was definitely not Gay. I had made up my mind too; I didn’t want to share him with another boy or girl. 

       I have to admit I put fingers in my ass when I masturbate but I was a virgin that way until now. I have heard about the bundle of nerves that men have but girls don’t have a prostate. The only thing I can think of was the position he held me. He had been pulling out and rubbing his wet self over both my holes.

       I gave him every signal I could think of until I just held him in place. His tool was wet and slippery. My knees were next to my head and Dean entered slow, dripping sweat down on me with a tick-tock rhythm. I can’t even describe what our orgasms were like. I realized no one would ever be able to meet the bar Dean Cooper had just set.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           When it ended Dean and I went back to how it was like nothing happened. Five days of Niki not answering her phone or returning emails meant I was swamped. Dean had missed five days of recording and was burning the candle at both ends.

       A month and a half had passed. It was ten days away and Dean was nowhere to be found. I woke up four days ago and he was gone with only the clothes on his back.

       For the last, while he’d piled on the work like it was a race and it was showing. He wasn’t sleeping well and refused the pills when I would, as gently as I could possible suggest. The answer was always no. I had no idea how he could fall off the grid like that; he was Dean Cooper, after all.

       I found him on the news. Well, it was on the news. Some parent was streaming a video of Dean at Seattle Children’s Cancer Center in Washington. He was blowing huge bubbles with sick kids singing Puff the Magic Dragon.

        I was so…happy and more pissed off than I had ever been. It’s not like I hadn’t thought of chipping him just for shit like this. Now what? I know where he is and I know he’s ok; what now? I paced back and forth. 

       I called the place. I’m not blond but I can turn it on when needed. “Hi, I’m like out in the parking lot. I kinda backed into a car. It’s a blue something with North Dakota plates. The license number is NIKITA. Could you maybe have the owner come out?” And I hung up and waited.

       I saw Washington flash on my phone and I answered. “Good one, Niki.” He said and I swear had he been in front of me I would have cut him.

       “Niki? Niki?”

       “What is wrong with you, Dean?” I finally asked.

       “Nothings wrong with me, Niki. I swear. I just wanted to visit some kids.” And then it dawned on me.

       I am smarter than he gives me credit for and I gobsmacked him. “I talked to your Oncologist.”

       “It’s against the fuckin law. He can’t tell you shit.” And I could hear him breathing in the phone.

       I’m sure his little light bulb just starting blinking. “Fuck.” I heard from his end.

       He caught me. “That’s the slimiest thing you have ever done tricking me like that. I’m fine. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Dial tone.

       FFFFFFFFUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK.

       Now I was left with the knowledge that Dean was sick. I paced the room and the hall. What do I do? Should I call his Mom and tell her? He would be so… pissed at me but maybe I’m the only one who didn’t know. My phone buzzed and the choice was taken from me. I answered.

       “Yes, I know. I saw it too. I talked to him,” I told his Mother. “He’s been on a walk-about.” And I laughed at my answer.

       “He said he needed to see some good.” And the deception started. “With everything going on; I’ve told you how he is now. He’s been working too hard and after the show next week I’m going to bring him back home for Thanksgiving. Love you too.”

       I hadn’t slept, hadn’t eaten anything, and Dean forgive me, I had been chugging Red Bulls. Finally, the knock came to the door. This is going to be bloody.

       “Niki. Come on; I don’t have my key.”

       I walked over and pulled the door open then walked to the other side of the room to look out the window. I was being Niki. He was killing me because I was turned away from him and he wasn’t making a sound. I couldn’t take it anymore and turned; he was right there; I slapped him.

       “Fuck Niki. That hurt.” And I spun his head in the other direction. I was rearing back for another go and he grabbed my wrist. And before I could hit him with my other hand he grabbed that one too.

       He saw the rage and determination in my eyes and I think we both had the same idea. He scrunched up his eyes and tilted his head like daring me. Too slow, Farmboy. I launched my right knee into his nuts. I’ve never really done that before and I saw a range of emotion run across Dean’s face. His hands dropped my wrists with a shocked look and he started falling to the side. I think he was being dramatic.

       I fell out of a tree once when I was little and knocked all my air out; I think that’s what happened to Dean and I was sorry before he hit the floor.

       He was tucked into a fetal position and trying to take in any air at all. “Dean. I’m so… sorry.” He wasn’t doing much and wasn’t saying anything as I knelt next to him.

       “Niki?” he finally squeaked out.

       “Dean? I’m so… sorry but you pissed me off so bad.”

       “Niki; I’m sorry.”

       “No, Dean. I’m sorry.”

       “No, Niki. I’m sorry.” And his voice leveled out. “This arrangement isn’t working. I’m letting you go.”

       He had to look away. It was worse than I thought. “I have a three-year contract; you insisted.”

       “I know, but. You’re not going to kick me when I’m down, are you?”

       I pushed Dean on his back and straddled him. I hadn’t kneed him that hard. “You are dumber than fuck, Farmboy and have proved it more than once. If you haven’t figured it out by now; the only way to get rid of me is with a restraining order. What part do you want me to cut off first?”

       It was like off the Fly. I was in the air, then I was on my back, and then Dean was on me; like in a nanosecond. It was really kind of fucking hot. I looked up to his flaming eyes wondering if he was going to kiss me or, “What are you gonna do, Cooper? Gonna hit a girl?”

       And I smiled at him knowing that Dean realized at that moment he had just lost.  

       “You’re still fired.” He said getting up.

       “I still have two and a half years on my contract.”

       “I know. Parker will cash you out or whatever you want.” And he walked to the window.

       “Dean, you know I,” I felt the tears burst out. I had to tell him.

       “No Niki. Please don’t.”

       I walked up to him and he raised his arm in a defensive way. “You fuckin hit really hard for a girl.”

       I pulled his forehead to mine. “Do you remember when I told you ‘I am here because this is where I want to be? I wasn’t fucking with you.”

       “I believe you, Niki. But I think a fine is in order for your abusive behavior today.” And his hands rested on my hips. “You hit really hard. A hundred grand.” And his hand came up. “Each.” And he kind of closed his legs dropping one in front of little Dean.

       “Fine. I still have half a year.” And I knew he was going to bring up the nuts. “And as for these,” as I reached down; “I think we should be even.” And I squeezed.

       “If you want stones, Niki. You can have mine. Fifty grand.” He said waving his hand at the cans and pulling at the ring on his pinky.  

       We looked at each other for a long time. “I’m sorry Niki? It’s gonna get real complicated.” Such defeat he had on his face.

                                                                                     “It’s ok, Dean.” I really wish I could have said, ‘Niki will fix it.’

       “Niki, I’m starved.”

       “Of Corse you are.”

       We ate out and when we came back in he asked if I was taking a shower. “Are you?” I questioned. I realized it had been a while since we’d showered together and I wondered where he was going.

       “I’ll go first” and he closed the door.

       Yes, we have been together like this for five months. Yes, we had a rule and never broke it. I could hear him singing and knew he wouldn’t hear the door. How had Dean hidden this from me? How had I not felt it?

       He heard the bathroom door open and stopped singing. “Turn the light off, Niki.”

       “Why, Dean?”

       “Because I’m the boss and I said so.”

       “Did you really think that was going to work, Farmboy?”

       “Niki, Please.” He asked with such remorse.  

       I realized he had been avoiding the touching and closeness that had been normal and how it hadn’t for the last six weeks. We were busy. I didn’t turn off the light and removed my clothes. I could see him through the shower doors and he had his head in the corner.

       I stepped in behind him and brought his back to my front as I wrapped around him. I had never felt such a defeated breath come out of him. I remembered what it was like a few months ago when he would flaunt his body. I longed to feel what I once saw and I didn’t get my wish.

       He put his hands on mine as if trying to stop me but his hands rode on mine as I felt something I wasn’t sure I wanted to see. His collar bone protruded, pecks were gone. His ribs were pronounced and there were no abs or stomach.

       I couldn’t, fuckin help it. I wanted to cry, wanted to hit him again, I wanted to scream. I didn’t do any of that and just kissed his back. I pulled away and washed him like I hadn’t in a while and he let me see all if him.

       What eighteen-year-old doesn’t have an ego? Ok, multiply that by a thousand; were talking Dean Cooper. It was at that moment I realized and started to cry as Dean turned me and said in my ear, “It’ll be ok.” In a comforting voice knowing it wouldn’t.  

       The next morning we didn’t talk about it. I did what I do and Dean sat typing. He talked to people planning stuff knowing it would never happen and I listened wondering why he didn’t tell anybody; why he wouldn’t come out and tell me. I’ve come to understand that people who are dying are embarrassed like it’s a weakness, something that if you were stronger, you could beat.

       Dean did the AMA’s and it was there I saw. He had a Ghost thing he’d created with Louis Armstrong, It’s a Wonderful World. Dean sat on a stool with the big screen behind him. The medley played and Dean pulled out the gravel.

       He spoke to the audience. “You know I meet a lot of young people and they ask, Dean, what do you mean, what a wonderful world? How about all the hate? And how about all the wars and people starving? That’s not a wonderful world.” And he moved back and forth.

       “How about listening to Dean for a minute. Seems to me it ain’t the world that’s so bad it’s what we’re doing to it. And all I am saying is see what a wonderful world it could be if only we’d give it a chance. Love baby, love. That’s what I’m talking about. 

       If lots more of us loved each other we’d solve lots more problems.” Everybody was on their feet before Dean could start singing.

       “I see trees of green and red roses too; I see them bloom for me and you. And I think to myself, what a wonderful world.

       I see skies of blue and clouds of white, the bright blessed days and the dark sacred nights, and I think to myself what a wonderful world.” The whole place was singing.

       “The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky; I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do. They’re really saying I love you.” And Dean held out the mic and everyone sang. I could see this was a highlight for him.

       “I hear babies crying, I watch them grow, they’ll learn much more than I’ll ever know and I think to myself, what a wonderful world. Yes, I think to myself, what a wonderful world.” And Dean turned and clapped to the screen with Louis Armstrong and Robin William’s pictures.

       Dean didn’t return to our seats between shit. He walked out after the first award. He was looking at, Best New Artist, Best vocal, Best Song. Best, Best, Best.  He had two albums and eighteen top singles. Nobody had a chance.

       “This isn’t fair.” He started. “I don’t want this to be, ‘The Dean’s’ award show and I wanted to withdraw completely. Is Forest? Are you in the room?” and spotlights shined around. A camera saw him stand following him and there was applause.

       “As I said, I wanted to withdraw and this guy talked me out of it. Tell them what you said, Forest.”

       “First; it’s Tom, Dick.” And the room erupted as Dean stood straight-faced. ‘Come on Dean? That was funny.” And Dean broke a smile and they bonked heads. “Dean, I told you that people can be fickle and get caught up in the moment.”

       “And what did I ask you?”

       “You asked me if I thought your fans were fickle.” And he laughed.  

       “That is not what I asked you,” Dean said kind of holding on to Tom.

       “OK. You asked if your friends would be pissed. And I told you, yes. Would you be mad winning by default?” he asked whoever he was pointing at. “How about you?” Pointing his finger in a different direction.

       It did turn out to be the Dean Awards show. We spent the next five days in LA so he could get some strength back. Didn’t happen. During the day he talked non stop, during the night I held him. Calls had been coming in and I assured friends, knowing something was wrong, that he was fine. More deception.

       We landed back in Minot; I’d ordered a private plane. We stayed at the Lion’s and talked most of the night. Dean has stage Fore Lung Cancer. He found out when we came back for the Return. Dean never smoked and had little experience with weed. At the time he was told he had three months, maybe longer if he did treatment; it had been three months plus, and he hadn’t done anything.

       “I’m so fuckin sorry, Niki. How am I supposed to tell my Mom I won’t be here for Christmas anymore?”

       How could I possibly make him understand? “Dean, close your eyes and dream you’re looking down on a lake. You are like a rock dropped into a lake. You have created endless ripples and you’ve touched people in ways none of us will ever know or understand.”

       Hours were clicking off like weeks for Dean. I helped him to his Mustang and I was in the driver’s seat. I tried to start the car. Nothing. “Nikita, start the car.” He said.

       “Voice not recognized.” And her avatar looked at him.

       “Nikita, start the fucking car.”  

       “Voice not recognized.” She said shaking her head back and forth.

       “Nikita?” I said calmly.

       “Voice recognition authenticated.” And she looked at me.

       “You need to take him home.”

       “Understood.” The car started, a map came up on the screen. “Passengers’ body temperature is below normal. Should I” And I cut her off.

       “Yes.”

       “He’s really sick. He’s been working too hard.” I told his dad as he helped me get Dean to his room in a condition I’m sure his Dad had never seen before.

        I was the one to tell his mother and father he was dying and it would be soon. The hardest thing I’ve ever done. “But Niki, what happened to stage one, two, and three?” His mother asked crying. Dean had never smoked and neither did his parents.

       I really don’t know how he found the strength to get as far as he did. He had only been to the bathroom and I spent as much time with him as I could. I heard his confession.

       “Niki, would you do something for me?” He asked letting his head roll in my direction.

       “Of course, Dean. Anything.” I would have done anything. I’d of walked on coals, had my nipples pierced, anything.

       “In my closet, there’s a box. Open the door. To the right; that’s it. Don’t open it. If you could get it out of the house without Mom and Dad seeing? I would die if they saw it.”  

       What an expression I thought. ‘I would just die if.’ We say it all the time but here he was doing just that. If there was ever a person I wanted to haunt me for the rest of my life it was, Dean. I sat down next to him with the box on the floor between my legs and opened it up.

       I wished he had the strength to do to me what he wanted. “You are so… fuckin fired.”

       “What else, pervert?” I asked with a smile.

       “My computer? Just bring it to me.” And he smiled at my attempt of humor.

       He was living every teenaged boy's dream. He was purging his room of porn and toys so his parents wouldn’t find it and think less of him after he was gone.

       “Dean, your Mom has Supper downstairs. You should try to come down and eat.” I knew there was no way he could but I asked anyway.

       “You could get me a plate, Niki.”

       “Nice fucking try, Farmboy. I go get you a plate and you fuckin die. Not on my watch.” And I held back tears.  

       It wasn’t that long and. “Fine, don’t get me a plate. The least you can do is keep me warm.” And I had to smile at his humor.

       I crawled in next to him and his arm came around me. “Dean?”

       “No Niki. Me first.” My face was on his chest and I couldn’t see his. “I’m so fucking sorry for all of this. Not just me but all of everything that’s happened. I would like you to use my scholarship at the University Of Washington and earn high marks. It seems that Nikita is now yours and don’t let her get the better of you.

       “Your car and I will never get along unless they take out her engine and put in a bunch of batteries.”

       “Niki, wash your mouth out.” And he laughed so hard he choked. “You know what, Uptown? I think I am hungry. I’d take that plate now and if you could hand me my tablet.”

       He took my hand, “Niki. Do you know?” And I stopped him

       “Don’t spoil it, Dean.”

       “Spoiler alert, Niki. Tarzan loves Jane. I have from the first time I saw you and I’m sorry I haven’t told you before now.” He couldn’t lift his head and tears ran down the sides of his face.

       “Do you really think Jane didn’t know, Tarzan? And I know you aren’t so fuckin thick that you didn’t know how much I love you, too”

       “I really am ready for something to eat, Niki. Could you hand me my headphones?”

       His Mom and Dad were sitting just looking at the plates they’d dished themselves. They both looked up when I walked in and said, “He’s hungry.”

       My phone buzzed in my back pocket saying I had a new email. Dean. I knew now. I should have known then. Dean would have hung on for as long as he needed to spare me that. His last act of selfishness; he wouldn’t allow me to be with him when his breathing stopped; wouldn’t leave me with that memory.

       I handled everything for Dean and I released a statement. “It is with a heavy heart that I announce Dean Cooper passed away this evening at home. He was diagnosed with Stage Four Lung Cancer in June and was surrounded by his family.”

       Nobody knew he was sick and his death came as a surprise to most. The outpouring was like none other. Canada, Australia, and England lowered their flags. Fox News said that “sources say it was a drug overdose.” I set that shit to rest.

                           His Email: 

       My Dearest, Nicole; if you haven’t figured out by now; Farmboy, is a coward. I know how many times I stopped you and how many times you stopped me. Why did we do that, Niki? I love you and you love me; why did we rob those words from each other until now?

       I’ve extended your contract and you will be the president of ‘The Dean Cooper Foundation.’ Parker is the Executor of my estate and he will help you. He’s a good man.  

       I’m so sorry for not telling you. It has been hard; we all have an expiration date but we don’t think it is a few months away. I never could have dealt with your pain when you looked at me. I know you think I was selfish and you’re right, I was. I’m the boss.

       I remember that first day. I’m sure you thought Sony was punishing you for something: North Dakota, in winter. I remember how you were with me when I broke down and how embarrassed I was. You, Niki, are the reason I became what I did. It was you.

       When we were in Winnipeg and the way you looked. When we were at Granny’s and the way you looked. I wanted to tell you every time I saw you; how fuckin fantastic you were. I so… wish I had the time to sample your fruit for the next fifty years, Niki.

       Sweet dreams, Uptown.

                    Dean Adam Cooper.

       The outpouring was more than I ever expected. There wasn’t a church big enough; back to the stadium. I didn’t make arrangements for anybody; they did all that themselves. This state was barely half a million and five percent of the State showed up.

                          Tom Hanks:

       “What a year; am I right?” He started. “I remember like yesterday. I was talking to Winston and my phone rang. I held it up to him then answered, “Ellen.” And that was how it started.” And he shook his head like remembering and in disbelief.

       “I was at the AMA’s with him a week ago and I knew something was wrong but. It was a few days over a year ago when I met him. What a first impression. I have never met a young man with more passion and I’m sure, unfortunately, I will go to my grave never meeting another.” And he looked at me sitting next to his mom.

       “Dean hated the fame and recognition of what happened around him but he carried himself with such dignity. Dean walked the walk and talked the talk; he was a role model and all of us looked up to him.

       In one year Dean recorded over eighty songs; remakes. I asked him once, aren’t you just recycling old stuff?”

       “He told me that he wasn’t recycling ‘old shit’ he was resurrecting great stuff. What most of you don’t know is Dean had a stack of songs that were written by the best songwriters in the business; written just for him.” He turned around and testimonials came up on the screen.

       “You know I can’t help who I am any more than you can. I wish everyone could understand what he has done. In a year this remarkable young man raised, what I’m sure will be an epic amount of money. He has gained the respect and admiration of many of his new found friends and family.” And he turned again to look at the pictures on the screen.

       I was surprised at all who showed up. Tom offered right away and I accepted on behalf of Dean’s parents. It wasn’t going to be your normal service. I flew to Washington and met with Parker, his attorney, and found out how my life would be changed in more ways than one.

       Dean’s family was his mom and dad, with little extended family. I sat with them and before it started I had waved enough down to fill the first two row with us. I hate to say but some were Dean’s, famous friends and he made a lot.

       “I have talked to people in my business and many in the music industry. There is a consensus; I think he will be written about, I think he started the healing in our country and songs will be sung about him. And from me personally, I wish I had met him a long, long time ago.” And he walked towards me as the music started.

       Tom knelt in front of us and he gave condolences’. Everyone who talked to me was like I was Dean’s wife or something. I guess his friends kind of knew but even his mom and dad treated me like we all lost something.  

       “I didn’t know, I didn’t know, I didn’t know,” Elton started.

       “I didn’t know when I woke up this morning, I didn’t know.” And his short fingers sang with the keys.

       “We should never be silent, I didn’t know. I didn’t know.” He had taken Dean’s words and transformed them into his final honor for Dean.

                           How time flies

       I walked through the U District smiling back at the reflection in the old shop windows. I saw my destination and walked into StarBucks. I love Washington; or at least our little part of it.  It has been five years and today was the anniversary of the first Billion. On the big TV was Dean at Dollywood on his last birthday. It’s still so hard believing that I was part of that. You could barely hear it but most everyone was watching.

       “What was his name.” one guy asked another. I had to smile; Dean got his wish.

       “His name was, Dean Cooper,” I told all of them reaching down to take the hand.

        “Mommy, that’s my name.”

       What Dean and I shared in August that year produced this little guy. I knew I was pregnant when Dean died and I never told him. How cruel would that have been? I’d like to think he somehow knew.

       “Yes, little Cooper. That was your Daddy.” They said in unison.

       “Uncle Jeff, Uncle Donny. Can we feed the ducks?”

                                The End.

                         From your Author:

       I would like all of you to know I loved writing this series. I think people such as my self have a responsibility to not only entertain you but maybe address things that need to be talked about. When I started my focus was on music and bullying and how that environment can get better.

       As I wrote things around me changed and so did my focus. I introduced rape, sounding, cutting, and love on different levels. I hope the end wasn’t a big disappointment but Dean gave all he had to give.    

       I was thinking about continuing though: Jeff and Donny, along with Niki and little Dean, Rick, and Max. And a young college kid named Ryan and his friend, Robby. What do you think? RJC.