The Start

 Thanks to those who read and vote. I hope you gave a shout to our host. There are times when the need to grow this family causes me to dig deeper; sadder and closer to everyday shit. Life is not all rainbows and lollypops even though that would make for a happier life. Please bear with me. I think I write for a different kind of reader; not to make the others out as a bad thing.

 I want everyone who reads to enjoy what I painstakingly write, reread, change a word, and then read it again. I bring in music of my choice; from my youth, in hopes that you might stop and listen feeling the meaning for the first time or remembering what you felt the first time. This is not a one chapter read; if you haven’t read the previous chapters you might not get much out of it. 

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RJ’s POV:

When we got to New York I wasn’t ready for what followed but had been; I guess, subconsciously preparing for what was to come. So I thought. There is a lot of planning for what we see on TV. I didn’t know I had it in me. Anyone of the experiences I’d encountered would have been a highlight of my life. They just kept cascading down on me with a few deviations.

Robby was right; I never should have answered the door in my birthday suit. I had been up for twenty-plus hours with only one to absorb what’d happened and now expected to start it all over again. My stupidity answering the door was thrown back at me like a bucket of shit in the face.

Niki, I don’t know how she does it? “Driver; pull over here.” A guy got in and Niki told the driver to pull into the ally as she raised the curtain.

“Ryan? Take your shirt off and drop your pants.” That’s just how she said it; all bossy and shit. I guess my look prompted her to say it again in the exact same way. For some unknown reason, I did what she said pulling my pants down far enough to hook on my balls and unbuttoning my shirt pulling it open.

She told the guy we’d picked up, “Do something original.” I couldn’t believe how fast he worked.

I’m really not an exhibitionist; but maybe a little. I wasn’t wearing underwear and hooked my pants under my balls as this guy; who looked like a tweaker, examined my front. So here was, in the backseat of a limo, in an alley, on New Years Day morning. It wasn’t even light yet. I couldn’t believe what he did with a few markers and Niki closely observing caused a little thickening down there.

“Should I shade these cuts?” He asked. And Niki shook her head no. The cuts he spoke of were under my pecks, abs, and the V I couldn’t see but was visible.

Now I’m in college and study Psychology. I have an understanding of things but wasn’t prepared for what happened. We pulled up to the park and I saw him sitting on a teeter-totter talking to me on the phone as Niki was talking in my other ear like she had been for the last twenty minutes.

“Is that you?” He asked seeing the SUV pull up in the empty parking lot.

I stuck my sweaty hand in Niki’s face pushing her back as I opened the door. I Had This. I dropped her phone on the ground when I was close enough to talk to him face to face. He stood allowing me the ability to sit on the teeter-totter across from him. We’d been talking for two and a half hours and now he was quiet.

Here I was; New Years Day, an hour's sleep. I’d answered the door for the paparazzi in my birthday suit and dropped my pants in the back of a limo so a guy could make it look like I was inked up.

And to top it off; Niki slapped the Red Bull out of my hand. I could have slapped her right back. I’d spent two hours in the air talking to the kid before me, thinking, I didn’t sign on for this shit. Then; at that moment, I realized; it’s not about you, dumb ass. It wasn’t even noon yet.

I studied him during his silence; he was maybe eighteen with red hair and lots of freckles on his face. He’d told me about the bullying, humiliation of cruel jokes played on him, and how he wouldn’t be missed. I told him it could be different someday and about my relationship with Robby. I wanted him to understand that things can, and would, get better.

We’d been going up and down on the teeter-totter for a while; he was talking again. I knew that was a good thing. We laughed at something the other would say, smiled when the talking stopped, and I would just nod like understanding even though it was something I never went through.

We hadn’t said anything in a minute or two when he locked his knees bringing us to a stop. He looked at me like only one other has ever looked at me before; like past my eyes, like Robby does. He pulled out a gun and pointed it at me.

A finger was on the trigger and he was so calm his hand didn’t shake. I can’t explain what that feels like. Was I scared shitless? Fuck, yes, I was. I saw this life with Robby ending in a few seconds and I thought; I was OK with it if this is what was supposed to be this time. And yes; your life passes in the blink of an eye.

“You are a good person who will be missed someday. I won’t.” In one quick motion, he put the gun under his chin and I heard Niki screaming NO as that red-headed boy pulled the trigger. I wish my eyes would have closed in time. It was an awful sight.

The state of shock is another thing that can’t be described. Niki was next to me pulling my face to her body away from the boy whose weight had me up in the air for a minute before I was on my back laying in the snow. I just started to cry. With what I knew; book smarts, talking a kid down from suicide; who really didn’t want to die, seemed like freshmen shit. Boy did I get schooled? Not all kids threatening suicide; don’t want to die.

I was a babbling, fuckin idiot. Niki. Fuckin, Niki. With all that happened, we didn’t make it to Chicago until the next morning; we flew through the night. And I was no better. Until we landed I was, incommunicado. I was wearing the suit I was two days ago; now splattered with tiny drops of blood and matter; some dried in my hair and still on my face.

I would calm; then for no reason, would cry. Niki never shed a tear in front of me. I thought it was cold of her but was thankful for the strength she showed. She did what Niki’s do. A car met the plane and I didn’t even remember where we were going until I saw Robby.

He put his arm around my waist leading me up a flight of stairs and with each step I felt like Ryan Chancellor was dying a little. I couldn’t talk. I wasn’t crying but water rolled over my cheeks as Robby closed the door.

“It’s ok, Rye.” He just kept saying that as he started undressing me. I let him push me to the shower. He washed me, my face and hair, all of me as the water masked my tears.

I guess I did try to let it go because it was eight hours before I woke with Robby sitting Indian style at the end of the bed. For a split second, I smiled then remembered.

“Have you been watching me sleep?” I asked the love of my life. He nodded with his smile but I could tell he’d been crying by the dried tear tracks on his face.

“How long, Jr.?” I questioned.

“Forever Rye, I’ve watched over you forever.” And a knock came to the door.

Robby got up answering the door with his naked body behind it. It was Niki. “Is he awake?”

“We don’t have any fuckin clothes on Niki.” And he tried to close the door when her foot came down and now her, Donny, and Jeff pushed in and descended on me.

“I’m ok,” I said with an uncertain level of confidence before they got to the bed and I pulled the covers up.

“YOU; are not OK, honey,” Niki announced.

“I’m so… sorry, Ryan. If I’d have known, I would have never done that to you; I could have sent someone. You did everything you possibly could. You need to know that.”

“His name Niki; what was his name?” I asked knowing I was going to cry. He’d never told me his name. I loved that kid I’d been talking to. I kind of understood but didn’t. How can you not love someone who picks you and takes their life before your eyes?

He’d been shamed and destroyed by the one person he thought loved him; his best friend. There had been secret stuff between them, the kind of stuff that happens between friends when you reach your teen years. I remembered my buddies; the guy’s who jacked off with me, sucked me or let me suck them. What he described was far more than that.

Whether it was one-sided or not; my red-headed young friend had fallen in love. I never crossed that line with buddies, didn’t prefer one over another, and I had a girlfriend; hell most of us did.

“That isn’t important, Honey.” She told me.

I flew off the bed with the now smeared drawings on my front. “Not important? His name is important, Niki?” And I started to cry again uncontrollably and all of them reached in to hold my naked body.

Robby’s POV

 

 Nobody seemed to put two and two together. The caller on Seacrest and the suicide in Toronto never connected when it came to Ryan. But Rye was a different person now; something in his eyes was gone and I feared it may never return. We were at Phil’s for Donny and Jeff but Ryan became Phil’s focus. They were locked in a room for six hours before I was called.

Ryan looked exhausted as we passed in the doorway and Phil looked like he’d been through a wringer as he waved me in. He gave me instructions on how to deal with Rye, now.

“He has PTSD. Add to that… he is the most conceded, arrogant, horse’s ass, I have ever met.” And Phil rubbed his hand over his head as I nodded, totally understanding my Ryan.

“He will be in shock for a while and I recommended he try to stay busy; focus on something positive. He blames himself; that’s common for someone with his narcissistic personality.” And now he rubbed his face with both hands and when he looked at me I smiled.

“I gotta know; is that Ron White story true?” And now Phil was smiling at me.

“When I met Dean Cooper; that was the first thing he asked. Let me just tell you, Ron has a way of embellishing things.”

His smile faded as he leaned towards me. “Personally, I can’t believe he hasn’t exploded. What you guys have been doing for the last ten days. What he did on New Year’s Eve was amazing for a non-professional, it was crazy good. I knew the minute I saw you those pictures were of him.” Phil stretched his neck as I nodded.

“You mustn’t question him about it. He needs to come to you; he will trust me.”

Ryan was to call him every day and it was up to me to make that happen. I wasn’t to comfort him unless Ryan asked for it and life would be normal; as normal as it could be considering.

Niki’s POV

 

 

 I sit in on the hotline sometimes; listen to those who do it for free. I can never tell who is getting paid and who isn’t. I listened to the call on speaker; the way Ryan seemed to connect with him. If I would have known, I don’t know what I would’ve done.

I was a fuckin mess but I pulled on my big girl panties. Ryan was an absolute basket case being only ten feet away as I ran towards them. Somehow I knew he wasn’t going to shoot Ryan but I knew that wasn’t how suicide usually ended. I so wish I had, I don’t know, someone to lean on. I knew; somehow I knew. My eyes closed before the loud noise and when I opened them, all I saw was Ryan on the ground, and behind him was a boy on the other side with red peppering the snow.

There was a knock at the door. “I’m ok, honest,” I told him. My tears were the giveaway.

“Honey; Who are you trying to fool?” Phil asked walking in and moving to the couch in my room; which was fuckin huge, “Come here” and I did as he told me.

I had only met this man like a few hours ago; Dean and the other three had been here since yesterday. But I accepted the comfort he offered.

I reached for my knife when he slapped me with, “You never went back home, did you?”

“What did Dean tell you?” Now I was pissed.

“He told me that after he met your parents; well. You guys were in California numerous times after and you never went back. Dean didn’t understand that. I assume the little guy has a relationship with his Grandparents?”

“I try and get back every few months; I could never deny Dean his fathers’ parents. They are such a kick.”

“And yours, Niki?”

“I haven’t seen or talked to mine.”

“Niki; without getting into why, is that fair to your son?”

“Well; without getting in to why; my parents are bat-shit crazy religious on steroids. Now I’m not talking about praying before you eat or never missing church; to them, everything is evil. And that includes me. They can bark at the fuckin moon for all I care.”

“I think we need to talk about yesterday, Niki?” He had sidetracked me so he could get to the real shit.

At the time I had things to keep me occupied: dealing with Ryan was my top priority. Then the police, the boy’s parents, and thinking about them suing The Foundation, even Ryan. And on top of that, both our phones were on fire.

“Niki; you were there when that young man took his life. I can tell you’re a tuff girl; I saw you reach for that knife in your boot. It’s just us; I won’t tell anybody.”

I started to shake. I buried my face in his shoulder and unloaded on this kind man. I cried and sobbed, almost choked him; I just wanted to turn back the hands of time. Back to before that call, back to before Dean died; back to the day, I met him. That memory made me stop crying and a smile came to my lips as I calmed.

Dean came on to me with nothing more than a smile and a shape in his tight pants. He was just a kid in my eyes; at least three years younger; a hick in high school who had done something. I put on my best face when I ran my hands over my front telling him ‘This is not included;’ if he would have only known. But that memory; as the days and months ticked off brought us to where I was today.

I pulled myself together and thanked the father figure. “You won’t tell?”

“Tell what, Nicole?”

Robby’s POV:

After we got home Niki was focused on Ryan but the phenomena of RJ and the staggering amount of money that was coming into The Foundation split her. Ryan dropped the next quarter and Niki had found her new Dean. They did nothing in Washington. If I was seen or photographed the connection between me and that naked guy could be made.

Ryan and Niki were doing shit during the week; morning talk and nighttime shows until the first of March and the ND boys and I would cover when Niki didn’t take Sir Dean. The little guy really didn’t like to fly. I sat watching Ellen; her guest was Justin Timberlake and unbeknownst to Ellen, RJ was in the audience. There was a plan.

“Did we miss anything?” They both asked bounding through the door as I tried to shush them with a hand and feed Dean a Popsicle with my other.

“Why are you looking over there,” Ellen questioned Justin.

“That vegan diet must be messing with you?” JT started laughing. Ellen looked dumbfounded.

Ryan was in a suit, tie, with dark glasses resting on his hat; then Ellen made him as everyone around stood at Ellen’s embarrassment. Niki sat in the front row: she owned the front row. Her hair was spiked with orange tips; she looked almost Goth like in the black leather. ‘She looks like Nikita” They said in unison.

JT and Ryan had been talking; a lot. The top five names were vying for him to produce the next great album. Ryan joined Justin on stage.

There was talk. Ryan had learned to work the camera and I knew Niki smiled knowing that was her teachings. JT sat at the piano with RJ center stage. He looked as comfortable as the seasoned veteran more than twice his age.

He turned to Timberlake and with no music he sang, “What goes around, goes around, goes around, goes around then comes, back around.” And Rye turned facing the camera; the Justin smile said it all.

The blond started on the keys as Ryan adjusted himself with the mic. “There are times when I have to say what’s really on my mind, even though I know how much it’s gonna hurt,” I remembered Ryan practicing this song and at first I thought it was something he wanted to say to me.

“Before I say another word; let me tell you; I love you. Let me hold you close and say these words as gently as I can.” Justin did a little finger work and I understood Ryan picked a song that had no gender; or sang it with no specific gender in mind. A song like that would be so well received today.

“There’s been another that I’ve needed and I’ve loved, but that doesn’t mean I love you less. You know I can’t be possessed, and you know I never will. I’m sorry but there’s just this empty place inside of me that you just can’t fill. Torn between two lovers, feeling like a fool, loving both of you is breaking all the rules.” Ryan looked at the camera with such pleading and sorrow eyes; he dug deep for that look. He must have practiced that in the mirror when I wasn’t looking.

It is possible to imprint on a respective soul and looking back on it I think that’s what happened with Ryan and Dean. He had no warning when he went to Parker’s office that day and I got a text that he wouldn’t be home till late; something came up. That something was Dean Cooper, and now it was the kid on New Year's Day.

Ryan did talk to Phil, a lot, but he took an interest in other things. He picked up on the lunch visits that Dean used to do in schools when he traveled. He’d developed an awareness of victims; man or woman. He could identify kids that were abused or those who were vulnerable to predators; just by looking at them.

He wasn’t home much and it would be only a few hours of him next to me in bed and then he and Niki were off again. And gods help us; there was talk about a movie of Dean Cooper’s short life. Ryan didn’t know that a conversation of Niki’s was overheard by Jeff. He couldn’t wait to share with me and I told him to keep his fuckin mouth shut.

I got up one morning knowing his warm body was gone; on our bathroom mirror, Rye had left me a message. ‘I Love You. I miss you, I’m sorry.’ It made me cry.

I found the whiteboard markers in his top drawer and left him a message. ‘I’ve loved you longer. I miss you more. NO need to be sorry.’ It was two days before he saw it and when he came to bed in the middle of the night he made up for the two months of an empty bed.

“You mustn’t think you’ve failed me just because there’s someone else. You were the first real love I ever had. And all the things I ever said; I swear they still are true; for no one else can have the part of me I gave to you.” 

Donny elbowed me, “It’s not me, Dude.”

“He’s not Dean. It would never be you.” I realized what I said, how it sounded, and as Donny got up I passed Dean off to Jeff.

“DONNY, STOP.” And he did.

I came up behind him and my hands went under his shirt and with my fingers, I explored trying to apologize. I never meant to say it like that and I could tell he took offense when he stood.

Donny has a hard front; I’d seen him but never felt what Jeff enjoyed. I didn’t even turn around to see if Jeff was watching and neither did Donny. It was a slow exploration on my part and Donny didn’t seem to mind. I stood close but didn’t grind on him as my eyes closed and I realized; I loved him.

Donny is a head taller than me and could have pushed me down with one hand. “Don’t go all bitchy on me, please. I never meant it to sound like that. I never knew Dean and I should have never said that.” And I turned him back to the TV.

We watched as the camera panned around the crowd. There were shocked faces hearing what the two of them produced, people on the edge of their seats wondering who RJ, was singing to.

“I couldn’t really blame you if you turned and walked away, but with everything, I’m feeling inside I’m asking you to say. I’m torn between two lovers, feeling like a fool, loving both of you is breaking all of the rules. Loving you both is breaking all of the rules.” Justin was on his feet clapping after he struck the last note.

The two of them joined her after and Ryan gave Ellen his hat. She handed it back with a sharpie and asked him to sign it. He did and then passed it to JT, and then back to Ellen, who signed it and launched the hat out into her audience.

A camera caught the guy who finally got it. “I’ll give you a thousand dollars for that hat,” Ellen announced with smiles as she stood.

“I will donate Ten Thousand dollars to ‘The Foundation’, all you need to do is sign the hat and we will auction it off,” Ryan said starting to stand.

“Two Hundred and Fifty thousand dollars to The Foundation in your name and; I get the hat,” JT sounded off not even getting up and that was the final bid. After the commercial, the hat rested on Ryan’s head again.

“RJ; how does it feel knowing that because of you, ‘The Dean Cooper Foundation’ has had Three Hundred and Fifty Million dollars added to its coffers?” She asked him.

Ryan reached out for her hands. “It’s way more than that. Do you remember when Dean was on your show?” And her nod wasn’t needed.

“You really started all of this, Ellen. You started the Go Fund Me for ‘The Trevor Foundation’ and you were a friend to Dean and Niki. You promoted his albums and singles, you spoke at his funeral, I, say, Ellen, in 2020.” And there was a lot of applause.

“You really think a gay woman, could be President? I say vote for Pete.” And Ryan started clapping.

When they came back from commercial both RJ and JT were in the audience shaking hands. At the end of her show, she asked the guests to leave their names and addresses and they would get copies of RJ’s first album. Ryan held up both hands and Justin slapped him on the back nodding yes.

“He really is something,” Donny said and Jeff and I nodded.

“He’s still so fucked up. I know what Niki’s trying to do but he’s holding too much in. I can tell he’s venting when he does shit like this but.”

“Robert” They called me that now.

“Robert? I wish you could guys could have known Dean. Rick, not so much. Dean had heart, he had soul, and if he said something, he did it. Just like Ryan.” And Donny nodded.

I realized we were going to have the ‘Dean’ talk and I wasn’t looking forward to it. My phone buzzed; a text from Ryan. ‘Meet me at the Mayflower, off Central Park.’ That was it.

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From Your Author:

 Through this whole series, I have tried to interject humor along with the sadness of everyday shit. I got a little political; I opened eyes to things some might not want to look at. I pointed out the youth that is being numbed to love by sex and porn so readily available.

 Yes, I write gay erotica, post on a gay website; would I want my twelve-year-old grandson reading what I write? What do you think? I stand in judgment over no one. The category I post under, Love and Romance; is what I try and write. I think readers should choose for themselves. RJC