Beyond The Blue

Is History Repeating?

The driver training course is something that is a massive step in the next level of becoming a cop, it means that I can officially drive the police car rather than just being a passenger all the time and gives me the opportunity to take more of a lead.

The course though will become a great distraction for me with so much going on right now with the anniversary of Harry’s death and my birthday all happening in the same pocket I know that these few days are going to be ultra-tough.

Scrolling through my Facebook feed on my laptop, there’s a memory of me and Harry from two years ago not long before he passed away with him in a wheelchair after not being able to walk anymore and being a shadow of the hunk that he was. Connor comes behind me and has a look over my shoulder and kisses me on the cheek “When was that from?” he asks as I look back at him and just tell him the truth.

“It was two years ago today,” I say as Connor hugs me tightly not realising that the anniversary is coming up because even though I know that I should, I haven’t been that open with him about what’s coming up.

“That was the last day that Harry left his hospital bed when we went down to the park for a little while because he wanted to get out of the hospital room for a while but by that time his body had reached the point where he couldn’t walk or barely do anything from himself,” I say as I look across at Connor.

“We went down to the park that’s just down the road from the hospital for an hour where we just sat and talked about everything and about how we were supposed to be planning a trip to Africa for our next adventure,” I say as Connor smiles and puts his head on my shoulder hugging me.

“Look, I should have been more upfront about things right now just with what’s coming up because I didn’t want things to change too much because Harry passed away two days after my birthday and it’s a tough time, but going forward I was trying to not dwell on it,” I say as Connor rubs my shoulders.

“I’m glad that you told me and remember that you don’t need to hide anything from me because I’m always here and I don’t have an issue with how you feel about Harry, he’s such a big part of your life you know” Connor telling me that is amazing and he is just an amazing person because I know so many people would have issues.

Connor gets up and makes breakfast for the two of us and as he does that he is talking to me as I sit at the dining table “So tell me about Harry and you” he asks interested about our history which makes me smile thinking about it.

“You don’t want to hear all that nonsense,” I say as Connor looks across at me and glares “Of course, I want to know I wouldn’t have asked stupid so tell me how you met him to start with” normally I would feel weird talking about it but Connor makes me feel good about things and I’m happy, to be honest with him.

“It’s all a funny story about how we met really because I had been spending plenty of time on Grindr just trying to get to know some people and I’d connected with this guy and he seemed cool and wasn’t interested in sex straight away,” I say sitting there as Connor finishes making breakfast.

“We were chatting for a few days, he wasn’t looking for a hookup but more just a regular friend so we chatted and it was mostly just about life, what we were into, what sports we liked and played and just general stuff like that” as Connor is nodding intently wanting to know more about the story.

“So one night, I messaged him and said look I’m going out if your keen hit me up and we can meet up for a drink,” I notice Connor smirking “so, in other words, a Saturday night fuck?”

“It was nothing like that, just meet up for a drink and honestly I’d kinda forgotten about him when I was out with friends and I was getting the next round of drinks and I’d started chatting to the guy behind me at the bar and he was super fucking hot and friendly”.

Connor puts the food in front of me as he urges me to keep telling the story “So I’m talking to this guy at the bar having a really good chat, getting along really well buy the drinks and I take them back to the table and I grab my phone out of my pocket to check Grindr just to see if the guy is gay” as Connor laughs thinking this is some random guy.

“So, while I’m on my phone, the guy comes past me and notices my messages and taps me on the shoulder and just goes I’m Harry which made me feel weird because neither of us had actually known what the other had looked like and it had just gone on from there,” I say as Connor smiles and puts his hand on mine.

“When did you two go on to being a proper item?” he asks as I try to think about how it happened and realise that it sort of happened the same way me and Connor got together just naturally with no real plan. “Honestly, it just progressed pretty quickly we had hooked up a few times including that night and ended up just spending as much time as possible as we could together catching up for breakfast, lunch and dinner sometimes all three in the one day”.

Talking about this is actually easier than I thought because I think that I’d had bottled it up for so long that I was more worried about how I would react than how anybody else would react to me especially being someone who had lost a partner in their early 20s. As I continue to talk to Connor telling him about how Harry became my boyfriend and he can see how much love I had and still have for him.

Even though we’ve finished breakfast, I continue to talk through my relationship with Harry to Connor as I see him tearing up at parts. “It was three years ago now, Harry and I went on a trip together when we went to Europe, it was my first time on a trip like that and to spend it with Harry was amazing but neither of us knew what was going to happen,” I say as I wipe my eyes.

“We were away and Harry had been having a few headaches lately which we put down to his new job and then the jet lag because we were constantly on the move, he was himself all through the trip having fun we’d been in Iceland for a week before heading back and he had a couple of days where he didn’t feel well which was just put down to the flu or a cold”.

I sit there and take a deep breath as I compose myself as Connor comes around and puts his arm around me and kisses me as I smile at him and feel his warm body on mine “If it’s too tough then you don’t need to tell me, I shouldn’t have pushed you” he says to me as I shake my head.

“Nah I want to talk about it because it might help a lot more,” I say to Connor as he nods and I close my eyes just to take a deep breath. “We came back from holidays, Harry seemed ok just tired a lot which we put down to the holiday and everything we did but his headaches were getting worse and there were little things,” I say thinking about it.

“I still remember the day and time, it was May 27 when we got the diagnosis, I remember it plain as day because it was actually an amazing day weather wise and we just said after the specialist appointment that we would go and have dinner by the bay and just relax,” I say as I still remember the Grey and Black button-up shirt that I wore and remember Harry was wearing a long-sleeve white shirt with a red jumper.

“The next few months were tough because it became quickly established that his cancer was untreatable because of where it was and that it meant that he would pass away rather than successfully fighting it” I take a deep breath as Connor rubs my back and just encourages me.

“It was 8 months and 24 days later when Harry took his last breath lying in bed next to me as he held my hand and I can still remember him telling me that he loved me forever when he passed away at 12:04 am” my tears now taking control of me as Connor is crying as well.

Neither of us says anything for a few moments as I hold him tightly and start crying out loud just letting out so much emotion thinking about the way that I lost Harry the person that I thought was my one true love.

 I pull away from Connor and kiss him deeply as he looks at me and wipes away his own tears “You’re truly a special person Trent and I’m so glad that Harry got to spend his last time with you and you got to be with Harry” he says to me as I smile at him before he continues “And I’m so glad that I met you that afternoon at work and then got become your best friend and so much more”.

Connor saying that is the first time we’ve ever even referenced ourselves as being more than best friends which is true and makes this moment of connection even more special almost like this was always meant to happen. I’m not a person who is religious by any stretch of the imagination but to me there feels like something or someone was pushing me to become so close with Connor.

The intensive driver training course is an amazing distraction because it’s all I’m thinking about as it starts it’s two weeks which is a good distraction for the start of it but I know that as it goes on, I’m naturally going to get distracted by what is happening even though I never want to make a big deal about it.

A few days later my birthday is quickly approaching and I always dread it because everybody always wants to make a big deal about it which was happened before Harry passed away as well and he was the guiltiest one of all. I get home on the Tuesday night and just go and have a shower straight away with Connor working tonight and tomorrow night I’ve got the house to myself which feels weird considering how long I spent living alone.

As I crash out on the couch waiting for my Maccas to come, my phone rings and I see the name Linda appear which makes me smile because that is Harry’s mum who still always checks in and sends me Christmas cards and gifts for which I do the same in return.

Me: “Hey Linda, how are you doing?”

Linda: “I’m doing good thanks, Trent, I know I’d always get the day wrong but Happy Birthday for whichever day it is”

Me: “Thanks Linda, it’s on Friday,” I say as I can hear her laughing which is nice because she took Harry’s death hard as he was her only son.

Linda: “Well Happy Birthday for then, how’s your family doing? Bet everybody is growing up quickly”

Me: “Yeah they’re all good, Logan is still asking me regularly why Uncle Harry had to get sick”

Linda: “Don’t we all ask that question every day” I hear her say which makes us both tear up a bit

Me: “How is Ian doing these days and how are Annie and George?” I ask referring to Harry’s dad and then his amazing grandparents who made me feel welcome from day 1 of meeting them.

Linda: “Ian’s good, he’s away in Indonesia at the moment working and Annie and George are ok, Annie’s dementia is getting worse and George is struggling a bit” 

I keep talking with Linda for a while which is nice, we don’t catch up enough but I know we will try and see each other at some point shortly. I head to bed pretty tired knowing that Connor won’t be home until like 6 am or something like that at the earliest.

The next morning, I’m up out just before Connor gets home which is annoying knowing that we’re not going to be seeing each other again until probably the next day after that. The day at the course is pretty boring with mostly theory and not a lot of driving taking place but that’s natural in these sorts of courses to have both theory and practical.

The day before my birthday is just quiet which is what I wanted because I know the next few days are going to be really busy and emotional with everybody celebrating my birthday. I curl up in bed next to Connor who is so cute right now as he is promising me to old off from ravaging him tonight because he has a surprise for me tomorrow night which is intriguing and annoying. After all, I wish I could be with him tonight.

As we’re laying in bed my phone rings and it’s Dad ringing me as I answer it wondering what he wants

Dad: “Hey Trent, I’m going to be doing more inquiries tomorrow so this is the only chance that I’ll get to talk to you so Happy Birthday for tomorrow”

Me: “Thanks Dad, hope everything is ok you know?” 

Dad: “Yeah, just the high-profile stuff that you know I can’t get into which I was hoping to be over”

Me: “Ah yeah, well as long as you’re taking care of yourself and not stressing yourself out, I know these are high-profile cops but you’re doing the right thing”

Dad: “I’m alright Trent, you don’t need to worry about me I know I’m doing the right thing and really are you ok? With your birthday and the anniversary”

Me: “I’m good, it’s tough but having Connor about is actually helping because I’m not feeling lonely and moping and I talked to Linda last night”

Dad: ‘That’s good and I hope she’s doing ok so is Ian especially given how good people they are sending your mother and me a card and gift at Christmas”

Me: “Yeah, she says she is, Ian is overseas working at the moment but they’re good”

Dad and I keep talking and he tells me that he is going to take me out to dinner next week when he thinks that everything at work will die down which will be good. I finish up talking to Dad and we’re talking for a good hour as he keeps the topic off work which is so good that I don’t have to think about Joe or the other scum right now.

Getting into bed, Connor is already asleep as I get in there and just lay there for a few minutes before drifting off to sleep. I sleep relatively well but get woken up when the text messages start coming in

6:09 am: “Happy Birthday little bro, catch up with you at dinner on the weekend” – Darcy

6:43 am: “Happy Birthday man, need to have a full proper catch-up and tell me about this new bf of yours” – Kyle 

7:01 am: “Happy Birthday Cuddles, I’ll try to visit you later in the week because you need to introduce me to Connor” – Mum

I’m reading the text messages when my phone rings and I spot Jess’ name on the caller ID:

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY UNCLE TRENT” I hear coming down the phone from Logan and Mia shouting which I should’ve realised my eardrums were going to be blown out.

Me: “Thanks you two, have you bought my birthday present yet?” I ask trying to get a hint out of them considering they always give away what’s planned.

Jess: “Well guess what, you’re not going to find out what we’ve got for you this year, you just have to wait until Saturday”

Me: “Come on Jess, I wasn’t asking for what you got me”

Jess: “You’re a cop, you should know full well that I’m not going to give you an answer but anyway what is Connor getting you for your birthday?”

Me: “Are the kids listening?” 

Jess: “Oh… well I don’t need the details on that then”

Me: “We’re just going to go to the pub tonight and have dinner and then come home because we’re just having a night together”

Jess: “Well that’ll be nice, I might call in after work if I get the chance otherwise I’ll see you at the party”

Jess hangs up as I’m starting to run late on getting ready to get to the course as in the meantime Connor is all dressed waiting to head to work but doesn’t want to miss saying goodbye to me and giving me a long kiss and tells me that he’ll meet me at the pub at 6:30.

I head off to the driving course with a real boost in my mood which is good though I realise that something I need for later in the afternoon is back at the station so I’ll have to collect it at lunchtime.

So far I’ve aced every part of the examinations which is good but there are only a couple of more things that I need to pass and I’ll be allowed to drive a police car going forward. I get through what I need to and get permission to drive back to the station (in my own car of course) to get the forms and logbook.

On my way back across town, I take a few minutes and pull up outside the city’s main cemetery where Harry has his memorial and feel the urge to go and visit him. I wander in taking a few minutes seeing there are already flowers on his plot and crouch down on the grass.

“I made it today H, I wish you were here but I know you made sure from up there that Connor and I crossed paths and became what we are,” I say as I look down at the plaque that I helped pay for because Linda and Ian couldn’t afford it.

“Logan misses you every day almost more than me and well I should be on the way back to the station to pick something up but I wish I could trade everything just to hold your hand one more time,” I say as I know I’ll be back in a couple of days. I sit there for a few minutes before heading back to the car, wiping away the tears in my eyes I take a moment to compose myself before going back to the station.

The 20-minute drive to the station is fine and I bump into Ange in the reception area after she is saying goodbye to some community members she had a meeting with “Hi Trenty, I heard from a little birdie that it’s your birthday today” she says giving me a big kiss on the cheek “Happy birthday, hope you’re having a good day”.

I head back in towards the locker room where my log book is and I bump into Connor and Jamie who are out on the beat together this afternoon. “Hey, you,” Connor says to me as he smacks my ass and gives me a kiss knowing the only person is around, “Looking forward to tonight,” he says as I don’t know what he has planned at all.

“Happy Birthday man,” Jamie says to me pulling me in for a hug as I grab what I need out of the locker. “Do you want to join us tonight at the pub for dinner and beers?” I ask Jamie because the more the merrier at the pub.

Jamie smiles for a moment “You know I would never ever turn down a pub sesh with you two but I’ve actually finally got a date with Cassie tonight” he says smiling because this means so much to him to finally go on a date.

“Holy shit that’s awesome, I know how long you’ve wanted to ask her out and done it,” Connor says as I smile and laugh, nodding along with him because it’s a big deal.

I make my excuses and head back to the Driver Training Course with what I needed to get so the instructor can sign off and include this in my minimum training hours sheet which tracks the types of training that I’m doing as well as the number of hours and how satisfactorily I complete them.

The rest of the afternoon’s action takes a couple of hours before we can head home, I text Connor to tell him that I’ve finished so there might be a chance that we will pass each other when we get home. I pass what I need to do this afternoon and head home and message Connor that I’m done and I’ll meet him at the pub.

4:37 pm Connor: “Can’t wait stud”

He says as I smile and head home where I read through more birthday texts and reply to people who have tried to call me during the day with birthday wishes. I wander around the house to try and see If Connor has hidden anything for my birthday which is dumb of me because I know that he won’t have hidden something where I could find it.

I go in and take a shower, just letting the water run down my muscled body taking in the fact that for once I’m not dreading my birthday and these few days for a change. I close my eyes and just sort of meditate right there as the water runs down my body just chilling out for a bit before getting dressed.

Getting out of the shower, I put the music on for a while and get dressed putting on my tight black CK T-shirt and a pair of jeans. I’ve got plenty of time before I need to get across to the pub so I sit there and just play F1 on the PS4 for a while before heading across.

I wander across to the pub and sit there for a while, it’s about 6:20 when I get over there and sit at our usual spot so Connor will know where to find me and grab a reserved sign that the pub has for people that need to leave the table without losing it.

Spending a bit of time watching and having a bet on the last race from Calthorpe which is near Wyndham picking up a nice $30 bonus, I head back and order two beers and sit there waiting for Connor to come through the door.

I sit there for a while finishing off my beer, checking my phone to see if Connor has sent me anything to say that he’ll be running late but there’s nothing that isn’t unusual because he still might be dealing with work stuff.

Sitting there, one of my neighbours comes over to talk “Hey Trent, haven’t seen you for a while” she says as I gesture for her to sit down for a minute. “Yeah, just been busy working these days, being a cop means you got different times,” I say having a polite conversation with Alice before her family come in and they go off to their table in the bistro area of the pub.

I check the time and see that it’s now 7:00 and still no sign or word of Connor anywhere as I sit there waiting for him impatiently now because I’m getting really hungry. I keep sitting there checking my phone, waiting and I know there isn’t anything to worry about because sometimes if you’re dealing with something right at the end of your shift then you can be held up for so long after it.

A replay of the footy from the weekend is keeping me entertained because it’s a Panthers game and I was working when it was on so haven’t had a chance to watch it back and like usual it’s a good performance and I enjoy it.

I’m sitting at the pub when my phone rings and I think that it’s Connor telling me he’s running late or on his way but it’s Dad which surprises me because he rang me to talk to me yesterday because he was busy today and wouldn’t get a chance until late.

Me: “Hey Dad, I wasn’t expecting to hear from you today, how are you?”

Dad: “Hi Trent, Are you at home by any chance?”

Me: ‘Nah, I’m just sitting at the pub waiting for Connor”

Dad: “Ah right” 

Something in Dad’s tone of voice sounds worried and nervous which sort of makes me worried about something

Me: “Is everything alright Dad? You’re worrying me”

Dad: “We need to talk about something, that’s all”

Me: “Yeah, well I can talk now if you want”

Dad: “It might be best if we talk at your place in private”

Me: “What’s this about Dad?”

Dad: “Look it’s better if we talk at your place ok?”

Me: “Umm alright then, I’ll let Connor know”

I finish up the conversation with Dad and finish my beer before heading across the road home not sure what Dad wants to talk about and now I’m worried that it might be something work-related and with Joe or something like that.

Getting back into my house, I’m starving so just grab a cup of 2-minute noodles and fill them up as I put the music back on and wait for either Connor or Dad to see which one gets here first. It’s about 20 minutes later when I hear a car pull up out the back, it’s dark so I can’t see who’s car it is but expect Connor to come through at any point.

I’m sitting on the couch as I hear a knock on the door knowing that it means that it’s Dad “It’s open” I call out as he comes in with a glum look on his face like he’s been hit by a truck and then backed over.

“You alright Dad?” I ask as he nods calmly as I realise there is something serious going on because he’s not talking. “Do you want a beer or anything?” I ask heading to the fridge as he shakes his head and wanders over to the couch and sits down.

“Something’s wrong isn’t Dad? Did something happen to you at work? Is it Mum or Grandad?” I ask worried as Dad shakes his head as I try to get the sense of what happened because I know it’s not Darcy because he just sent me a video message singing happy birthday to me.

Dad looks across at me and the TV “You haven’t had the TV on or the radio?” he asks as I shake my head, I don’t really watch the news because I see enough crap of a day and would rather just control my own music.

I’m totally confused about what’s happening and now starting to get worried because I know when Dad starts to get indirect about things I know that it’s serious. “Look, if it’s about what I gave you the other week with Joe and complaining about him then I can drop it and I can prove I had nothing to do with anything,” I say almost rambling as Dad looks at me and stops.

“It’s not that… Ange rang me when I was leaving court this evening” he says as I look across at him not sure what it means considering I know that they are friends. “There was an incident this afternoon on Cambridge Street,” he says as I realise that is the area that Connor and Jamie were patrolling this afternoon with a couple of other units.

“Dad… what are you trying to say to me?” as I’m starting to get really worried about what has happened and just want information about what’s going on. “Dad, you need to tell me what is going on ok?”

I sit there for a minute as Dad is struggling to get his sentence out at this point as I quickly realise this is about Connor “No… please no don’t tell me this is about Connor” I say as Dad nods now with tears in his eyes as I stand up and start crying.

“No, I can’t do this again… please don’t tell me that” I get up now just struggling to stand and stay calm because I can’t have lost Connor just like the first time I’ve started to find someone and open up for a change.

Dad stands up and hugs me as I look at him “What happened? Tell me what happened?” I ask as he looks at me almost not wanting to as I raise my voice “I NEED TO KNOW WHETHER HE IS OK”.

Standing there Dad looks at me “I don’t know, I didn’t get the full details from Ange, she wanted me to tell you before you heard it anywhere else first ok? “ he says as I nod but still impatiently wanting details about what he knows.

“I don’t know everything but this is what Ange told me,” he says as I stand there listening, just wanting to know if the man I love is going to be ok.