Beyond The Blue

Meeting up at the pub is always fun with Connor because it’s just a chilled feeling and especially after a long week. I get to the pub first which is natural given that I live across the road. Sitting there waiting for Connor, I watch the last parts of the footy that’s on as he comes in wearing a Rainbow CK T-Shirt and the same jeans that he wore last night.

“Are they the exact same jeans you wore last night?” I ask him as he laughs and shakes his head “Nah, I’ve got a few of these” which doesn’t surprise me because they are pretty damn comfortable for sure.

“So how did Logan enjoy last night?” he asks as I smile “He enjoyed it a lot especially considering what he said was his favourite thing was” Connor looks across at me inquisitively.

“What was that, the Hot Dog or the Ice Cream… or the Jumping Castle,” he asks as I shake my head and point to him as he looks surprised. “What are you pointing at me for? I was his favourite thing about last night?” he asks slightly confused and surprised.

Nodding I answer “Yep, he was talking all about you and then was telling Darcy about how much fun he had with his new friend Connor, not Uncle Trent’s friend Connor… his friend,” I say as Connor is now blushing about how much Logan liked him.

I see his expression change to one that I wouldn’t say of sadness but it’s not far from it as I assume that he is thinking about spending time with his son. “You thinking about Chase?” I ask as he shakes himself back to reality.

“Yeah a bit, spending time with Logan just made me miss Chase and sort of miss out on bringing him up to be a Kings fan,” he says as I smile and I don’t know if it’s the right time to make a joke but I try to lighten up the mood. “That might be a good thing not to subject someone else to that display,” I say as Connor laughs and I think that if anybody else had made that joke it wouldn’t have gone down so well.

I keep the rest of the conversation light while we are at the pub mostly talking about TV and music about what we enjoy and what we don’t like which is mostly the same until the discussion turns to Cooking shows which Connor cannot stand but I love to watch.

“What is the matter with cooking shows?” I say to him as he rolls his eyes as he looks at me almost with disdain. “What’s right with them? They’re just boring and they talk to you like dumb children” he says as I tend to agree with some of them.

Sitting there, Connor teases me about being into cooking shows and asks me to judge the food when it comes like I’m an expert wanting to know every flavour and ingredient I can taste. I quickly explain to him that I’m more into cooking competitions shows but even then, I’m more just into watching Gordon Ramsay yelling at people.

After dinner finishes, we get up and go because Connor checked to see if it was alright to Skype with Chase tonight and Olivia said it was at 7:00 their time, which is 10:00 here meaning that Connor wants to go home. He walks me back to my place like it’s this grand gesture when really it’s walking me across the road at the traffic lights and then heading off to my place.

I invite him in but he tells me he wants to get home and have a shower before his video chat with Chase tonight. I head inside, my mind in awe of how amazing Connor is to have the strength to keep going with his son so far away and from what I gather most of his family are in another state or hundreds of kilometres away.

For me, it’s almost unthinkable because my immediate family is all living within an hour of each other and we see each other on a regular basis. I make myself a cup of coffee and jump on my laptop to create a roster for the next fortnight at work which I said that I would still do.

Trying to get everybody’s schedules aligned to their demands is tough and I want to try and keep myself from putting myself on shifts at the gym because there are just times that you don’t know when you are needed at work.

Sunday nights used to be the time when it didn’t matter what we had planned, Harry and I would just do something together whether it be watching a movie, playing cards or a board game or we would just go to bed and read. I know that I shouldn’t be thinking so much about Harry and moving on but it’s just hard because I always would get the advice that I needed for anything always came from him and even now I go “Oh I should get Harry’s opinion… oh wait” even though it’s been about 18 months since he passed away.

Heading to bed, I lay there wide awake as I do most nights after I’ve been thinking and, in the end, I get up and go for a walk. The city is an underappreciated gem at night with the contrast of the lights in the night sky while there is just a peacefulness in the cool crisp air.

I walk up past Connor’s place as I head up towards Charlton Point and the ferry wharf where you get an amazing view both down the river out towards the suburbs and then back towards the city.

Despite it now being close to midnight on a Sunday night, there are still plenty of people walking their dogs or just heading home from many of the bars and restaurants that are open late. I can’t really sleep because my mind is such a mix of so many different emotions. There is part of me that wants to tell Connor everything about what happened and how I feel but then I don’t want to make it weird between us because we have a really good friendship growing but then it’s that friendship that I’m worried about.

Sitting there for a while, I know that any sort of advice would end up just telling me that I need to work it out for myself and that I need to make my own decision. As I sit there, I can hear Harry’s voice in my head telling me not to be stupid and realise that life needs to go on and that he’ll always be special to me.

Heading back home, I pick up the picture I keep of Harry and me together and just think about how stupid I’ve been and put it down and head to bed. Thankfully, Monday is a day off so I just spend the morning playing on my laptop doing general stuff when there’s a knock at my door and I wander down still shirtless thinking that it must just be the delivery of clothes that I ordered again which I have a slight obsession about.

Walking down in just my shorts, I open the door expecting to get my delivery when I open the door and see Connor standing there smiling as he’s dressed in a t-shirt and jeans as he takes a look at me showing everything off. “Well, somebody takes their days off seriously,” he says to me as I laugh and look down at my body that is showing off and my sleep shorts show off my bulge.

I shrug and laugh as I let Connor in which wasn’t in my plans for the day as I grab a pair of proper denim shorts and put them on as I notice him looking at me. I manage to hide the picture of me and Harry kissing which would create so many more questions than I really want to answer now.

“So what are you doing here?” I ask him as he shrugs “They’re doing work in my building again, so wanted to get out of the apartment but didn’t have anywhere to go” he says as I can’t help but keep checking him out. “Fair enough, how did it go with Chase last night?” I ask not sure whether I should bring it up or not.

“It went really good, to be honest, it was nice to talk to him you know” Connor looks really happy when he talks about talking to Chase. “Have you ever thought about moving across to where he lived?” the question gives Connor some thought but he very quickly answers it.

“I did for a few minutes when Olivia moved across but we talked about it and really there was nothing for me out there in Wyndham because all my family is here and I realised that she and I weren’t necessarily friends so it was easier for me to stay here,” he says as I realise how right he was about the situation being complicated.

I notice Connor checking me out at every opportunity that he gets as I make us both a cup of coffee and myself some breakfast. “You really know how to sleep in late,” he says as I look at the time and see that it’s nearly 11 am when I’m having my Weet-Bix for breakfast and enjoying the coffee.

“So this your usual sleep-in routine?” Connor says chuckling to himself about the fact that I have only just woken up this morning. “Not really you know, I was awake late last night because I had to do the gym rosters and that’s a bloody long job” explaining that even though being a cop is my main job these days, I’ve still got so many obligations at the gym.

The morning with Connor is a nice change from what I was expecting and having not changed and showing off to him is something that turns me on so much and I know that even though he has seen me shirtless before. I don’t bother putting the shirt on as we keep talking a bit more and even though we’ve only known each other a couple of weeks it really is just like talking to an old friend.

It gets to about noon when Connor checks the time and tells me that he has to get going to meet some old friends for lunch and heads off. I realise that after showing my body off to Connor, my cock is rock hard thinking about how many times he was checking my body out while we were sitting there talking.

I head upstairs knowing that I need to have a shower but my cock is rock hard and I take my shorts off before heading into the bathroom and notice that my 7 inches of cock sticks out hard as I realise my balls are full as well.

Unable to resist the urge of thinking about Connor and how hard that I am, I lay back on my bed and grab my lube off the nightstand and start to rub it over my cock and balls right now. I close my eyes thinking about Connor sitting there adoring my body.

My hand runs over my hairy chest, feeling my pecs and twisting my nipples as I close my eyes thinking about things. Laying there, I imagine hands roaming my body that aren’t mine and I open then see Connor laying over the top of me with his blonde hair and amazing smile right in front of me as he is running his hands over my body.

Moaning as my cock twitches with my hand running over my body and playing with my nipples as my cock leaks. Running my hands down my body and my cock, I lay there as I imagine Connor’s mouth licking my head and slit where he is tasing my pre-cum that is leaking copiously right now.

Going down on my cock, I moan as I feel my hand jerking my cock and massage my full balls which are so full right now as I keep thinking about what it would be like to be with Connor. I move my finger to my hole and start pushing it into my tight hole as I feel it stretching and it feels so good right now.

The lust and attraction that I’ve grown for Connor is nothing like I’ve felt for so long and wish his cock was inside my tight hole right now. I grab my dildo out of my bottom drawer and lube it up and push it up against my hole.

I never thought when I was younger and about having sex that I would ever put anything in my ass even being gay but when I first got fucked it awoke so much inside me both figuratively and physically.

Pushing the dildo in deep, it feels amazing as it stretches my hole and I start pushing it in and out and although I can’t get it to the power of a real cock slamming my hole, it still hits my prostate and makes my cock leak so much more pre cum.

Jerking my cock with my eyes closed, I picture myself laying there naked on my bed with Connor over the top of me, legs on his shoulders as he lines up his massive cock along with my hole. I time my dildo push deep into my hole and as I feel it hit my prostate, I start to blow my load everywhere.

Closing my eyes again, I still push the dildo in now imagining what it feels like to be taking Connor’s cock inside me fucking it hard. Using all the force of his muscular body on me as I’ve got no response other than just submitting to his hard fucking.

My cock is exploding with cum as I both jerk my cock and fuck my hole with the dildo moaning loudly which I don’t know if my neighbours can hear if they’re home but I’m moaning so loud right now and moaning Connor’s name.

I pump my hole “Oh fuck me harder Connor” I say fantasising about him fucking me harder until eventually, I finish blowing the biggest load that I could in the situation. Laying there panting, this was more exhausting than any endurance run at the academy or having to chase down a suspect.

Getting up, I slowly walk to the shower and wash my body off letting the cum wash off my body as I let the water run down my body washing out the thick amount of cum that is sitting on my body as it runs off my hairy abs. I stand in the shower, feeling weird about the way that I feel about Connor right now especially given how attracted I am to him but still so scared to tell him not only that I think I’m falling for him but just that I’m gay.

Eventually, I get out of the shower and get dressed, putting on a T-shirt and shorts I still feel weird and need advice about what to do with the situation right now. I want to tell Connor everything but, in my history, once I’ve told anyone about Harry everything changes and they treat me differently and I don’t want anything to change my friendship with Connor or ruin anything.

Wandering back downstairs, I grab my phone and need advice on the situation that I’m in even though I know that I should have been honest with Connor about everything even though we haven’t known each other that long.

Grabbing my phone, I ring my sister hoping that she’s not working and she answers her phone straight away.

1:11 pm Jess: “You having boy problems again?”

Me: “What the hell do you mean by that?”

Jess: “Well you never ring me unless you want my advice about something, so what is it about Connor?”

My sister does read me like an absolute book although I don’t always ring her for advice, I ring her just to chat or to see if she wants to come around with the kids for dinner.

Me: “I do bloody well talk to you more than for just advice Jessica”

Jess: “Asking if you can come over for dinner doesn’t count,” she says to me chuckling

Me: “Alright fine Jess, you got me that I need advice on this situation”

Jess: “Well what do you need to know?”

Me: “I just don’t know what to do in the situation, Connor came around this morning because there was work going on at his place so stopped here” I explain the situation as I can hear her acknowledging what I have to say.

Jess: “So does he know yet or suspect anything?”

Me: “Nah, I managed to hide the pic of me and Harry because I didn’t want to explain the circumstances and everything but I know he was checking me out”

Jess: “Why don’t you be honest with Connor? It’s not going to change anything and you don’t need to be anything more than friends”

Me: “Yeah I know that but I think it’s tough because I saw him checking me out when he was here having coffee and I’m that attracted to him it’ll be obvious”

Jess sighs down the line and laughs as she laughs

Jess: “You know what Connor, this was worse than high school with my friends and whether a boy liked them or not”

Me: “So in other words, all you want me to do is tell him everything?”

Jess: “Maybe not everything at once, you don’t want to overwhelm him but this is a guy you are friends with and going to be spending a lot of time with so maybe you need to tell him”

Me: “Yeah I guess so” sighing as I realise that the advice that Jess was giving me was just what I thought it was going to be.

Jess: “Plus I know you think about Harry a lot but you need to remember that all that he would want is you to keep going with your life and be happy”

Me: “I know Jess but it’s easier said than done”

Jess: “Come on Trent, you’ve managed to come out, open the gym, become a cop” her tone of voice is a touch annoyed but it’s just because I can be a whinging little pain. “You can handle this little bro, so just talk to Connor”

Me: “Alright, I’ll think about what I need to say, thanks for the advice again sis”

Getting off the phone, Jess was no real help because I wanted to get her advice on what I should do because I know that I should be telling Connor everything but part of me just wants things to develop and if I tell him that I’m gay then I’ll feel obligated to talk about Harry.

Even though it’s my day off and I was planning on chilling at home, I head down to the gym and just start doing some boxing training with Joel. I’m in the gym for about an hour just getting out all my frustration and eventually Joel has to stop me because I’m getting so fired up and just thinking each is what I wish I could put onto Joe’s chin and then Sergeant Wilson’s chin as well.

Stopping the training, I’m in such a mindset that it takes Joel a few minutes to snap out of things right now as I stand there “Jeez Trenty, I’ve seen you get worked up for the charity bouts but like this in training what’s got you so worked up” he says as I let out a big sigh.

“Just working with two massive arseholes that’s all and just trying to get the frustration out before they fully get stuck into me,” I say as Joel pats me on the back as I take my shirt off just standing there sweaty and shirtless.

Joel shakes his head “So I’m guessing when you say fully get stuck in, you haven’t told them that your gay yet have you?” he asks as I say nothing but nod. Everybody gives the same reaction when I tell them I haven’t told anyone at the station other than those who know already or Jamie who worked it out.

Heading to the office for a while after changing, I’m trying to get some work done being a help but my mind is just all over the place when all I wanted to be doing was relaxing. I finish organising rosters and decide that I’m just crossing myself off anything for the rest of the month because I need to start restricting my hours so that I can have a break.

Eventually, I head home and put the picture of Harry and me back up on the fireplace and look at it realising that Harry would be telling me not to be so stupid about everything and that I can handle it.

The next day at work, I’m doing training courses as part of my probationary period which is normal so I don’t get to see too many of the normal crew which is both a good thing because I don’t get to see Joe but then I miss getting to talk to Steph, Jamie and Connor who I’ve become close with.

Finishing up before everyone, I head to the locker room and get changed where Connor is already packing his bag before his shift ends as I see him all panicked about something. “Hey, is everything alright?” I ask as he shakes his head.

“Chase is in hospital, Olivia isn’t sure what it is so I’m just panicked,” he says fumbling as I close the door and just calm him down. “Connor, there’s nothing that you can do right now ok, you just have to wait it out,” I say as he nods and I put my arm around him.

The not knowing part is the worst thing that I found with Harry when things would happen because you know something was wrong but when you never knew what was actually wrong or what is going to happen.

“So, what are you doing now?” I ask him as he sits there and shrugs “I mean want to go over and visit him but I don’t know if Olivia wants me there” he says as I sit there nodding with him.

I don’t know if I’m overstepping but I look at him “Go and visit him” I say as I think about my situation with Harry knowing that it’s most likely nowhere near the same but I don’t want Connor beating himself up worrying about anything.

“What about Olivia?” he asks which is a fair question but I look across at him “She will understand right now you wanting to be there and I think Chase would love to see his Dad to perk him up a bit” responding in how I would want the situation to be.

Connor umms and ahhs for a minute “I’m pretty much on every day for the next two weeks so I can’t get off” he says as he is trying to find excuses about not going.

I roll my eyes at him as he hits me “You’re trying to find an excuse not to go, just tell her that you're coming for a visit and we’ll organise it with Ange right now” I tell him as he reluctantly agrees to do it.

Heading to see Ange we knock on the door as she tells us to come in “Ah two of my favourites, come in boys what’s the issue” she asks as I nudge Connor to start talking.

Connor explains the situation with Ange as I stand there and she tells Connor that of course it’s fine to take family leave and she organises so he can spend two weeks off so that he can go and visit Chase.

We wander out of the office and I can already see that he is feeling much better than he is “Do you want some help booking flights or anything?” I ask trying to not overstep my boundaries but just being a supportive friend.

Connor looks across at me and nods before giving me a hug, I think that everything for him has been a lot today and I can totally understand the not knowing factor when it comes to things like illness.

We head back to his place and I ring one of my clients from the gym who can help me organise a flight on the cheap to Wyndham for Connor.

“Yep, PQ 1535 at 9:45 am is perfect and yep that’s perfect and then you’ll help me when he needs to come home? Legend Max” I finish organising the details for Connor who is packing his bags after taking a shower.

I run through the details with Connor who sits next to me shirtless and now it’s my turn to not be able to take my eyes off his amazing chest and body. We sit there as he gives me a hug and looks across at me “Thanks for this Trent, I’ve got good friends but I haven’t had a friend that I can open up to like this for so long”.

Finishing up organising the details, I tell him that I’ll pick him up to take him to the airport tomorrow which he doesn’t want me to do but I want to be there because I know what it’s like to need a friendly face when you’re heading into the unknown.

I head home as Connor wants an early night but I know that he won’t be sleeping like I know that once I get changed and get straight into bed that I won’t be sleeping either with my mind heading to a worst-case scenario for Chase’s health.

As I try to go to sleep, all I can think of is the day when we first got Harry’s diagnosis which came as a shock to us because he was actually having a good period where he was focused on running a marathon and his headaches had subsided. There was a point where Harry was nearly going to miss going to his scans but decided that it was right to just go and do it.

The scans returned with the biggest shock that either of us could get which was that Harry had inoperable brain cancer and it was going to be a matter of time rather than doing anything because it had gone deep into his brain. The days after the diagnosis was the hardest for both of us especially me because I had thought that Harry and I would’ve been together forever and we had moved in together.

Harry, on the other hand, was quite calm and stoic about it always telling me that this was what was meant to be and never showed me that he was upset by it but I know that it scared him. Spending time with Harry was good and tough at the same time because we both knew that there wasn’t too much more time together.

The situation with Harry made me realise that life is only short because there are too many things that could happen because we just spent a month travelling around Europe visiting Iceland for a week then going around the UK, Germany and then to Spain. Having moved in together, we thought everything was going to be so easy but then when the diagnosis game it proved that we only get one chance at life and not to muck it up which is why I’m so worried about ruining things with Connor.

I’ve tried so hard to never think of the dark times with Harry but just with Connor dealing with Chase, my mind is back thinking about everything that I went through hoping my new best mate doesn’t have to deal with that, especially with Chase being so young.

Over the next few days, I keep texting Connor to make sure that everything is ok with Chase which thankfully he tells me that it is and that it was nothing more than just a serious stomach bug that left Chase unwell and dehydrated but he’s bouncing back quickly.