Beyond The Blue

“There was a call out to a shop on Cambridge Street when an alarm was activated, the unit being Connor and a Constable James Buxton,” Dad says as I know that he is referring to Jamie although I’ve never ever heard him called James before, not even by any of the hierarchy at the station.

“It was a false alarm and they had finished up when they had heard what was thought to be shots fired at the Pacific Bank branch down the road which was the scene of an armed robbery” as they had parked the car, a black van was driving down the road at high speed and an occupant opened fire on the police car,” Dad says as I get really worried because I don’t know what happened to either of them.

“Please tell me they’re still alive?” I say totally in a panic as I want to go to the hospital as Dad tries to calm me down “I don’t know, I went to the scene because Ange called me directly to talk to me in person to tell me because she knows about you two” he says which doesn’t calm the situation down.

“Look, Dad, I need to know if Connor is ok or is going to be ok? I’ve got the anniversary of Harry in a couple of days and it’s only Connor that is keeping me hanging on this year” Dad looks at me and hugs me; I know that he doesn’t know all the details but I just wish that he wasn’t keeping anything from me because it’s making me worried.

I stand up and grab my keys even though I’ve had more beers than I should have to be driving tonight “I’m going to the hospital, I need to see if my friends are ok” Dad tries to stop me. “Trent, no way you can’t do this to yourself,” he says as I start to get annoyed.

“Dad, I’m in love with Connor, he makes me feel so many things that I haven’t felt in a long time and he makes me feel as special as the way Harry always did,” I say to him as Dad realises that my feelings are more than just a tryst between two young people.

I see him sighing and finally relenting “Alright, but I need to check with Ange first ok? She’s taking the lead on this”. I know that Dad is trying to cover himself with everything that has happened and making sure that nothing gets compromised because of the procedures, I just wish that he could be more of a Dad than a policeman right now.

Part of me is telling me that this is all just a bad dream right now and that I’m going to wake up in bed with Connor laying there snoring away but unfortunately as much as I try to tell myself that it’s a bad dream I know that it isn’t. Dad tries to get through to Ange on the phone but can’t as he sits there thinking about what to do for me.

I get up and try to make myself a cup of coffee but I’m just shaking right now and can’t even hold anything properly before Dad comes over to me “Get your jacket… I’ll take you to the hospital” he says to me as I hug him. I pick up my jacket and head out to Dad’s car and get in just dreading the feeling that takes me back to so many of the trips that I had to make with Harry and almost knowing every member of the hospital staff by a first name basis.

The drive to the hospital seems to take forever despite only being 20 minutes away and all this time I just need information as I try to check my phone for any sign of any message which I haven’t got because the only people from work who have my number are Connor, Jamie, Steph and Ange.

We get to the hospital and I have no idea where to even go but Dad gets a text from Ange that she’s at the hospital and will meet us down in the lobby. It’s a few minutes later and I notice Ange who is looking visibly distraught as she comes down and meets us and I can instantly realise that we’ve lost someone.

“Who?” I say as Dad doesn’t pick up on the cues at first as Ange struggles to find her words. I stand there praying that she doesn’t say Connor but deep inside I’ve got myself already accepting the words that I think that she is about to say.

Ange takes a deep breath and throws her head back as Dad puts his arm around her as she composes herself “Jamie” she says breaking down in tears as I sit down on the seat in this weird mix of relief that she didn’t say Connor but then just pure devastation that I’ve lost another really close friend.

“Has anyone told Steph yet?” I ask knowing that she’s on holiday with some friends so wouldn’t have heard the news yet. “Not yet she hasn’t, we’ve just been so caught up,” Ange says as I look across at her and I somewhat bravely and stupidly volunteer to do it.

“I’ll talk to her, it’s probably better if it comes from our group of friends,” I say as Ange nods and agrees as Dad looks at me “Is that the best idea?”

Shrugging I don’t know but I don’t want her hearing it from someone else that won’t be so tactful “What about Connor? How’s he?” I ask Ange as she looks across at me knowing that I’m asking as his boyfriend more than his colleague or work partner.

“He was rushed straight into surgery, they don’t know the extent of his damage just yet but he’s got some pretty serious injuries,” Ange says to me as I sit there and nod, not sure what to do right now knowing that things can still go either way and sitting in a hospital lobby is not what I expected on my birthday.

I take a deep breath and go outside for some air for a minute as I see Dad and Ange hugging and he just lets her lean on his shoulder for a while as I grab my phone out of my pocket still shaking as I ring Steph to tell her the news.

Steph: “Hey Birthday boy, sorry I couldn’t make it to the pub tonight but how is the big boy spoiling you” 

I pause for a minute not saying anything at all trying to control myself for a moment

Steph: “Trent… you there or did you just butt dial me?” she says laughing having a good time which makes me feel so bad that I’m about to break it.

Me: “Sorry yeah I’m here… look are you able to talk for a minute”

Steph: “Yeah Trent… you’ve got me worried now because it sounds like you’re crying

Me: “Connor and Jamie were shot on duty today” 

I stand out there trying to keep my composure as I can hear the shock and emotion filling Steph’s voice as I tell her the news

Steph: “Oh god… are they ok? What happened?”

Me: “Not really, Jamie… Jamie’s…” 

I have to take a deep breath before I keep going with my sentence as Steph jumps in almost sensing what I’m about to say to her.

Steph: “No… please god no Trent don’t say the words I think you’re about to say, not Our Jamboy”

Me: “Uh huh, Jamie died on the way to hospital and there was nothing they could do apparently”

I hear Steph breaking down as I know she and Jamie were super close and even though they weren’t an item I know that they were best friends and shared a close bond together.

Me: “Connor’s in surgery but that’s all I know and got told from Ange here”

Steph: “Are you ok? I heard from Connor about what this week means”

Me: “Yeah, I’ve got to be strong I know that Connor wouldn’t want me to be like this or Harry”

Steph: “Look, I’ll be on the first flight back tomorrow to come see you ok… stay strong Trent”

Me: “You too Steph, see you tomorrow”

I get off the phone and take a seat outside feeling the cold crisp air on my face just sitting out looking at the moon, thinking about the many nights I spent here with Harry of a night in what became a second home telling myself that I would never do this again.

Sitting outside, I look up at the sky “What did I do this to have to sit through all this again?” I ask now losing faith in myself more than anything thinking that I’ve done something wrong to deserve all this even though Harry went off at me late in the time when I would say something like that.

I close my eyes and I hear Harry talking to me “It’s not your fault T, you’re an amazing person and Connor will get through this, I’ll make sure that happens alright”. I know it’s probably stupid but hearing that voice in my head calms me down a lot as I head back inside to see Dad and Ange still sitting there.

“We’ve lost friends and colleagues before in the job, it’s something that you know could happen every time you set foot out that front door, but today just feels different you know,” she says to Dad as he nods and I wander back over to them.

“How are you doing Trent?” Dad asks me as I shrug “Not too bad considering, I thought everything like this would be over once Harry passed away, I never thought I would be spending my birthday in the hospital with someone I love”.

Ange looks across at me and puts her hand on mine “You’re one of the toughest people I’ve known in this job Trent, knowing your family for as long as I have, you’ve got the strength to get through this and I know that in the not-too-distant future, you and Connor will be living together happily” she says to me as I appreciate her words coming as more than my boss but as a friend.

I get up and wander over to the desk to see if I can get any information “Hey there, I’m trying to get some information on my boyfriend Connor Jones, he’s a policeman who was shot” I say as the girl behind the desk has a look on the computer.

“There’s not much I can tell you I’m sorry,” she says to me as I want to demand answers but I don’t and start to walk away when I hear a voice from behind me. “That you Trent?” I hear the voice with the distinctive accent and turn around as I see Christina who is one of Jess’ good friends.

“What are you doing here? That one of your friends in there?” she says to me as I nod looking at her “Yeah the policemen who were shot, one’s my boyfriend and then the other is a really close friend” I say to her as she nods.

“Look, I’ll see what I can do for you but I’m not sure what information there is about them,” she says as I look across at her “Well I know that Jamie didn’t make it but Connor is having surgery”. Christina nods and goes back in behind the doors trying to find me some information.

I wander back as Ange has realised that she needs to get back to the station and Dad is trying to talk her out of it but she says that she needs to go and that he’ll drive her back because she’s not in the state to drive. There’s plenty of arguing going on between the pair with Ange saying that she needs to drive back because she came here in the police car and needs to drive it back.

Dad is being stubborn telling her that she isn’t in the state and that as a serving police officer he can drive the car back to the station. In the end, she relents and Dad checks with me that I’m ok to sit here as I nod and play on my phone.

Sitting there on my phone, I scroll through my pictures looking at the selfie Connor and I took the other week when we were just messing about when we went down to the beach. I look at it smiling when I feel a hand on my shoulder and turn around to see Darcy standing there.

“Dad rang me to come check in on you,” he says to me as he sits down next to me and puts his arm around me which I appreciate so much as he sits there with me. “Can’t believe I’m sitting here in this situation again” I say to him as he nods.

“I know little bro, but you’re strong and you’ll get through this with Connor,” he says as I appreciate his company sitting in the hospital waiting room when I know that he would be preferring to be in bed or spending time with the kids after having a 12-hour day.

We just sit there and I appreciate Darcy being there as I struggle to cope with not knowing anything especially after Christina tells me that Connor is still in surgery. I sit there for a while and just fall asleep while Darcy heads across to Maccas across the road to buy me something to eat and get a somewhat decent coffee because he knows that I wouldn’t have eaten.

Darcy wakes me up about 20 minutes later and gives me the Maccas bag and I open it up seeing a 20 pack of nuggets and a large fries which is extremely against my eating plan but just what I need. “Nuggets were always the thing that got you to eat when you were sick or were having a bad day,” he says to me as I smile and even though I’m 25 now that Darcy still remembers.

Christina comes wandering over as I’m eating my nuggets “You know that you’re not actually supposed to bring fast food in here” she says as I honestly didn’t realise but she’s not worried “Given the circumstances, nobody’s worried, I just came over to tell you that I found out that Connor is out of surgery but things are touch and go, there was plenty of damage and it’ll take at least a few days to know, he’s in recovery but right now he’s on the breathing machine because there was damage to his lung”.

I smile and thank her for the information and sit there as she tells me that she is trying to organise for me to come up and see him shortly even though he is in recovery. Hearing that Connor has come out of surgery means so much to me as I hug Darcy and I know that while things aren’t certain, the fact that he has come through this stage is a good sign.

Christina comes and gets me and tells me that I can go up and see him for a while because she pulled strings telling everyone that I’m Jess’ brother more than just being Connor’s boyfriend. I follow her up to the room that Connor’s in and see him laying there sleeping connected up to so many different machines as I sit down in the seat next to the bed and put my hand on his.

“Hey, sexy… not the birthday surprise that I had in mind when you told me that you had something for me tonight,” I say to him as I rub his arm with tears in my eyes as right now that I’m so scared that I don’t want to lose him and I would give anything just to have him awake and happy.

Hospital chairs are far from the comfiest thing and they’ve actually improved a bit since getting used to the one that I spent so much time in when I was sitting with Harry. Darcy comes up and it’s only that we’re related to Jess that helps us be here as he sees Connor for the first time.

“So this is the famous Connor,” Darcy says quietly as he comes in and sits with me for a minute as I nod and he smiles. “He’s cute… in a non-homo way,” he says laughing as I smile and just sit there for a few minutes as Darcy talks to me before I tell him to head home because I know he’s tired.

Darcy doesn’t want to leave me but I know that he doesn’t need to be here with me as I force him to leave and I sit there with Connor holding his hand “I love you so much Connor and you’ve been my rock showing me reinvigorating my world”.

I fall asleep sitting there holding his hand sleeping, dreaming about the first day we met in the station in the afternoon, watching him getting changed in the locker room and then heading to the pub that afternoon. I cannot believe how quickly I fell for him and how special he made me feel bringing me into a world since I struggled to think I would find anyone.

Sleeping there, I wake up as hear someone putting a coffee on the table that sits next to the chair and I look up and see Jess standing there “Darcy called me to check in on you this morning and I just came here because I didn’t think you’d go home”.

I get up stretching and walk out with Jess as I stretch “You doing ok this morning?” she asks as I shrug not sure how or what I’m meant to feel other than being numb right now. “I guess, I just don’t know how to feel about all this you know, Connor is my boyfriend and I love him so much but if anything goes wrong, I just don’t know if I can cope with this anymore going forward”.

Jess looks at me and hugs me as I realise that I should probably be heading home because I’ve got the last day of the training course to get to although I know my headspace is never going to be right for it. “I gotta head home and get ready cause it’s the last day of my driver training course,” I say to Jess who shakes her head at me.

“No way Trent, everybody will understand why you’re not there and you’re not going to be concentrating on anything other than focussing on Connor,” she says to me as I know that she’s right as I see Ange wandering up the corridor as she looks as exhausted as I am “Hi Trent, Jess,” she says as she asks about Connor.

“How’s he doing this morning?” as she has a look into the room at him laying there “No real change, the doctor came around this morning while you were sleeping and everything seems ok for now,” Jess says as I smile not even realising.

“Were you here all-night Trent?” Ange asks I stand there nodding as she hugs me “You’re such an amazing guy right Jess?” she says as both of them agree. “I’ve gotta head off and have a shower before getting to the driver course,” I say as Ange grabs my shoulder.

“There’s not a chance you’re going to that today after what happened yesterday and when you go back to work you can do more of your training courses and station duties,” Ange says firmly to me as I disagree with her but Jess steps in and tells me that I won’t be mentally ready.

I do go home though for a little while and take a quick shower and just slump to the floor having the first moment to just let out my own bit of frustration about everything even though I know Harry said it would be ok in my head, I just feel like I’m to blame for this.

“This wouldn’t have happened if I wasn’t so fucking greedy in doing that fucking driving course,” I say to myself as I sit down on the floor in absolute tears just trying to comprehend everything that happened when after sitting there I take a few deep breaths and compose myself.

Getting up and out of the shower, I know that there was no guarantee that I would have been with Connor had I been on duty that day as I get dressed just putting on a t-shirt with a hoodie and a pair of pants and heading straight back to the hospital.

Even though I’m not directly family, Jess managed to pull a few strings for me to be allowed on the family visitor register given the fact that Connor and I are living together and dating. I head into the room where he’s still in an induced coma and on the breathing machine.

I put my hand on his again and squeeze it, just to let him know that I’m here as I read through the newspaper which proves to me why I don’t read the news and see the story about what happened yesterday that doesn’t say any names or give too many details. I’m still pretty tired and I fall asleep in the chair for a while holding Connor’s hand until I wake up and get some food.

After having a combination of three meals, I head back upstairs and head back to the room “Hey you... I’m back” I say as I don’t realise that there are people in with Connor. “Oh, I’m sorry I didn’t realise that there was anyone else in here,” I say as I go to head back out of the room.

“No wait, you must be Trent? Connor’s told us all about you” the lady says as I quickly realise that they are Connor’s parents standing there. “I’m Tracey and this is Brian, we’re Connor’s Mum and Step-Dad,” she says as I greet them and feel like they’re going to put the blame on me for all this situation.

“Thank you for spending all night here, we heard from the nurse that you stayed the night and we appreciate that so much that our boy had someone that he considers so special in his life here while we were stuck at home trying to get a flight down here,” she says before hugging me tightly.

I had never realised that Connor had told his parents about our relationship or how serious he felt about me because we’d never said it to each other. “I couldn’t leave him here alone and be at home just not knowing,” I say as they agree and I give them some space to be with Connor as I go and try to find Jess who is having her lunch.

We head down to the park, which ironically is the same one I was showing to Connor the other day and the last place that I had spent time with Harry. I feel so nervous about walking back there that I start slowing down as the range of emotions of hit me as Jess holds my hand like we’re kids again.

“Come on Trent, you’ve come so far that you can come in here and you can think about Harry as well, Connor knows your full story and he won’t be upset that you’re thinking of Harry either right now,” Jess says to me as I sit there and smile at her while I’m hugging her.

We sit there together just in pure silence just enjoying the company together which I need right now as I don’t know what to do for the next few days because with Harry we sat there talking, watching TV and listening to music but with Connor sedated and asleep there isn’t too much to do. I sit there with Jess wondering how things are going to play out which makes me feel better and even though I know that Jess and I are close it’s just nice right now to spend time with her.

I look at Jess “What did I do that was so wrong?” I say to her almost instinctively back on the self-blame as she looks at me almost wanting to hit me and I know if I wasn’t a mess she would whack me quite hard.

“Absolutely nothing at all Trent, none of this is punishment,” she says to me as I nod and accept her word because I know that it isn’t my fault but it just feels like it especially now that I’ve been with both Harry and Connor who have suffered when nobody else has.

Jess tells me that she needs to get back to work and I decide to stay down in the park for a while and just sit there and chill for a while. Putting my earbuds in, I just listen to music for a while and just put a block on my phone right now because I don’t want to be disturbed.

Laying on the grass for a while, I close my eyes just listening to music and the first song that plays for me is Everywhere which quickly became the song Connor and I loved together. With my eyes closed, I lay there thinking about the night we went on our first date and then as I’m listening I feel my eyes open with Connor standing in front of me.

“What are you doing being a moping mess? There’s plenty of things you could be doing out there instead of laying in a park worrying about me” he says to me as I’m starting to panic that something has happened at the hospital.

Laying there, Connor is standing over the top of me with his domineering figure almost ready to come down on me and about to punch me “This isn’t the Trent I fell for or call my boyfriend now you need to get up and keep living your life, I know Harry would tell you the same and I’m telling you the same”.

Part of me is now panicked about the fact that I’ve seen Connor in the same way that I did with Harry which really scares me that something has happened while I’m out here. I get up and almost sprint to the hospital now worried that Connor has gone in the time I was away from the hospital.

Running up to the ICU ward where Connor is, I’m getting worried that I’ve lost him but when I get up there, everything is still as it was when I left with Jess feeling a bit of relief. I wander back into the room and sit down in the chair next to Connor and just hold his hand again.

I sit there as Connor’s mum comes back in telling me that they are going to check into a hotel for the next few days which I’m not going to have “No, you can come and stay at my place I’ve got plenty of room and it would be my duty to do this for you” I say as they want to reject it.

“There is plenty of room, I’ve got two spare bedrooms and I can use one of them while you two use my room,” I say to them as they keep telling me that they don’t want to intrude on me. “It’s totally fine and you don’t know how long you’ll be here for,” I say as they agree and I think it’s a good idea. I tell them that I’ll drive them to the house because I need to grab my phone charger and a few other things.

I wait for them to be ready to head to my place as I give them time with Connor before I kiss him and rub him “I’ll be back shortly stud… I love you so much” I say as I see his Mum standing there smiling at me.

“I’m sorry it’s probab…” I’m stopped mid-sentence as Tracey stops me and just smiles “You’re totally fine Trent, Connor has told us that you are the most amazing person he’s ever met and we can see that when you look at him” she says hugging me as I take her and Brian down to my car.

The drive to my place is one filled with a weird atmosphere, nobody is really in the talking mood as we drive the half-hour or so it takes as they get to my place and I pull around the back. We get out of the car and I show them in and show them where the bedrooms are upstairs as they tell me how nice of a place it is.

“My room is at the end of the hallway, it’s got an ensuite attached to it so you can use that room and I’ll sleep in the spare room,” I say pointing to the boys' room for when Logan or Bailey come to stay although Tracey and Brian don’t want to put me out.

They keep telling me that it’s nonsense that I’m going to sleep in the spare room of my own place but I really insist but ultimately, they win telling me that they will sleep in the spare room. I head downstairs and look at my watch and start to organise some food to cook for everyone because I know that I can’t survive on fast food or take-away from the hospital for too much longer.