Beyond The Blue

Apologies for the break in chapters, I had a few mental health issues and struggled for motivation writing so hope this chapter is ok for everyone as it focuses a lot on Connor's history.

---

The exhaustion and the stress of the past few days really takes their toll on me as I just lay there and go to sleep firstly in Connor’s arms and then somewhat unusually after he gets up. Having him get up before me is weird because even when I’m not working I have the alarm on my phone set to 5 am because that was the time that I used to have to be up for the gym and then just loved to get a routine in.

Waking up, I look out the bedroom window and see that everything is fully bright and the sun is up which is unusual because I’m usually getting to see the sunrise as I’m getting ready or having breakfast. I lay there and have a look at my watch and see that it says 8:10 am which surprises me because even when I do forget to have my phone with me for my alarm I normally wake up at the same time.

Heading downstairs, I’ve forgotten to put any shorts on so I’m completely naked as Connor is sitting on the couch with coffee and his breakfast that he went out to get me as he turned around. “Damn I thought that I was surprising you this morning, but god damn,” he says with a smile as I lean in and kiss him before grabbing a pair of shorts and putting them on so that people walking past don’t see me completely naked which I mean they should love anyway.

Sitting down next to him, I notice my phone sitting on the coffee table “Did you bring this down here this morning so my alarm didn’t go off?” I ask as he just gives me a coy grin despite trying to tell me that he didn’t.

Even for a cop, everybody has a breaking point especially when his weaknesses are pretty obvious to the person interrogating him. “Yeah alright I did, I knew your alarm would go off at 5 and after the last few days you deserved a sleep-in and I know how much energy you drained last night,” he says kissing me before getting my breakfast for me.

“So what needs doing down at the gym today?” I ask as he just shakes his head at me and gives me the serious look like I’m in trouble. “Nothing, today is Trent time only,” he says to me poking his finger in my chest as he just smiles.

I sit there not comfortable with having this time off doing nothing because I’m always wanting to do something and always have something planned “I know that you’re not good at doing nothing, so I have got you some things to do at least” he says as he shows me that he has booked a day of relaxation for me to enjoy.

“Seriously, I don’t all this you know,” I say as Connor just shrugs “I can handle having a day off, you know that”. Connor is just standing there shaking his head at me as I say that and trying to convince him and probably myself that I have the ability to have a day off without doing anything.

Connor just looks at me “Consider that we’ve got Logan and Mia coming over this afternoon because your sister is working and your brother-in-law is away for work, the first thing you asked me this morning was what needs doing at the gym, you are clearly unable to just chill out and relax for a day”.

I reluctantly accept what he has to say because I don’t want him wasting his money on something that is non-refundable anyway. “So what is actually happening with work at the gym today?” I ask as Connor runs me through that it’s just getting more quotes and assessing what needs to be done in what order for when the permits come we can start work.

Sitting there eating breakfast, I look at Connor cleaning up and realise how amazing that he is given everything that happened to him hasn’t changed his outlook on life at all and if anything has made him more determined to be a better person which already was going to be a tough thing to deal with.

Getting up, Connor goes up into the shower first and as much as it is tempting to join him this morning, my energy levels are still needing to bounce back a bit and it does get cramped in there even though we can make it work.

I pick up the paper that Connor has, I see that he has bought me a $200 relaxation package that involves a whole range of different relaxation methods including floating, massage and other skin treatments that are intended to make me feel a lot better. Reading through the instructions is unusual because there are a lot of them and I try to make sure that I get around them.

Connor heads off to the gym as I finish getting ready for what I’ve got which I’ve never done anything of the like before. Getting there, I’m quickly out of my depth where I can’t have any control of the situation which is unusual for me because I always like to be the one in control even when I’m just a human sex toy for Connor.

The morning quickly goes on and between the floating and the massage, I’m transported to a whole new sense of calm and it’s funny because for all the self-doubt that had about this, it’s actually working right now and my mind is totally clear.

Laying there, my mind is clear and as I close my eyes and just get transported to a new world where everything is just so calm and the stresses of everything that happened to Levi, the gym and then Connor’s situation are just evaporated from my mind.

After finishing the treatment off, I feel so much better than I did in the past few days and I start to head home feeling so much better and all the tension in my body has completely gone. Driving home, feeling in a clear mind I decide to make a detour and visit Harry just because with everything going on, I haven’t had the chance for a while.

Walking in is always a weird experience because it just never gets any easier to do it as I walk and find his memorial spot and I sit down next to it “Sorry it’s been so long since I came to visit, I’ve just had so much going on”.

There are a few people around this morning and a couple of them give me strange looks as I’m just sitting there looking like I’m having a picnic at the cemetery. I know that Harry wouldn’t be upset because he told me to not focus on him at all and just to keep my life going but I know that even though I’ve never said anything to Connor it does bother me.

“So I guess you can see everything from upstairs with everything that’s happened and how amazing Connor is, which I know you had something to do with that” I chuckle to myself as the woman visiting a relative spot near me keeps giving me a strange look. “Connor is just amazing, the way he does everything and his courage on a daily basis to make each day better especially after what he went through is amazing and again I know that you had a lot to do with that,” I say smiling as I know that he would be happy for me as well.

“The kids are doing amazing though Loges tells me how much he misses you and wishes that you could be here with us to still help him, but I guess it wasn’t meant to be,” I say wiping the tear away from my eye. “I hope that everything I’ve done for you since you left has made you proud and I miss having your smile with me every morning I wake up H,” I say as I just sit there and think about everything, especially with how long it’s been since he left and then now being with Connor.

Spending the little bit of time I did with Harry makes me appreciate how lucky I’ve been to have him in my life and then meet Connor who is just as amazing and yet when I think about it, totally different to Harry in almost every way.

It’s mid-afternoon by the time I get home and Connor is there smiling as I get in “Did we get the permits or something?” I say to him thinking that’s why he would be happy today.

“Oh nah it’s something even better,” he says as I think about it for a moment and quickly realise that it has something to do with Chase. “Wait this has something to do with Chase? He going to come and visit?” I ask getting excited as Connor is nodding enthusiastically.

“Yep, the holidays are coming up and Olivia said that with everything that happened Chase wanted to spend some time with me and she knew about what was going on so suggested that they come here for a week and a bit,” he says as I get how excited he is but then also gets really nervous about it which I can sense because it’s my first time meeting Chase in person and would probably mean having to tell him about being gay.

I wander over and hug him tightly knowing both factors are making him excited and scared because he only gets limited time with Chase and usually it’s over in Wyndham so Chase is at home. “It’ll be fun to have him, are they going to stay at a hotel or are they going to stay here?” I ask as he shrugs.

“Not sure, we’re gonna talk about it when it gets closer, he’s definitely going to sleep over a few times you know but the rest of the stay is still up in the air,” he says as I nod sitting down for a few minutes before having to head out and pick up Logan and Mia from school as well.

Picking up the kids is always fun though this afternoon I don’t know who gets more embarrassed as I stand there waiting for them and Logan’s temporary teacher smiles at me “Here to pick up Logan?” she says as I nod and then gets Logan.

“Logan, Dad’s here to pick you up’ she says smiling as I just have a smile on my face. “I’m only his uncle, get to send him home after the afternoon” I laugh and the teacher laughs although I can feel her embarrassment at first. “Look don’t worry about it, Brody his Dad works early and late most afternoons so when his Mum, my sister is working I’m usually the one looking after them,” I tell the teacher as Logan gives me a massive hug.

The plans for the afternoon change because Mia has dancing so she is going to go with one of her friends so it pretty much just means that it’s a boys' afternoon with Logan, Connor and me although I know that I’m gonna be alone because Logan will want to be with Connor for the rest of the afternoon.

“So how was school today?” I ask Logan who seems to be more interested to see what he could get out of me to bribe him to do his homework and the usual afternoon routine rather than him actually just going to do it like he knows that he should. “Well we had sport today and it makes me tired you know and Ice Cream could make me concentrate better for homework,” he says as we head past McDonalds as I just smile.

“You know that it’s never going to work Logan don’t you?” I say as he lets out a defeated sigh which is cute because I would have thought that by now he knows that it never works. “Yes Uncle Trent, but I am tired,” he says as I just shake my head and remind him that he can have a sleep on the couch after he does his homework.

Logan isn’t as excited by that plan as we head home and pull up and seeing Connor’s car perks him up so much more “Uncle Connor’s home” he says trying to get out of the car so quickly that he forgets the rules.

Eventually, he realises that he needs to get his bag out of the car and then heads in to give Connor a massive hug and seeing Connor hugging him back is so heart-warming because as just my boyfriend, then fiancé he doesn’t have to be as close to my family as he is.

Watching him with Logan always makes me feel special because I know that there are so many family dynamics or relationships that never get that welcoming, especially with suspicions between family. I stand there watching as Connor tells Logan to get his snack and then start on his homework which makes me see how much of an amazing Dad he would be to Chase if he could have been.

As Logan sits down and starts on his homework, I walk over to Connor and put my arm over his shoulder “Damn you are amazing with him, would always take me so long to get him to do anything and now with you around it’s straight in and around”.

Connor just laughs “You’ve trained him well,” he says to me as I shake my head. “Nah, before you came around he’d still be arguing with me because he always wanted some plan where he could play before doing his homework trying to get him to do it as a bribe rather than him doing it then getting the reward,” I say as Connor just laughs and I can tell that he doesn’t believe me because he’s never seen Logan in full flight.

“Do you ever regret having Chase living so far away?” I ask him as he just looks at me and shrugs as I realise that we’ve brought up the subject a couple of times but never had that fully in-depth conversation about things. “Yeah, all the time because I miss him because although I have no idea how things would’ve been here, I just look at you even though you’re not their Dad and just get jealous that I miss out on everything,” he says as I can get the sense of his frustration.

Sitting on the couch now, we’re sitting there talking about “So what actually happened in the beginning and everything because I know you were still so young but you never really got to tell me the full story” I say as he nods which I realise might be a tough subject.

“There isn’t a lot it was all dumb you know, we all went to school together and were at a friend’s birthday party and having more than a few drinks,” he says as we both laugh at that given that we’ve had to shut down the exact same circumstances in the past when we were guilty of doing as well.

“It all just went from there you know, Olivia and I ended up just hanging out together and even though I probably knew that I was gay but then I was trying to convince myself so we kept going and eventually it turned into us cuddling with more drinks and one thing lead to another… 9 months later came Chase,” he says with a reaction that shows some regret but then excitement talking about him.

Connor takes a deep breath “It was probably after that night I realised that I was definitely gay and things between Olivia and I had gotten weird both just after the sex and then when I told her about being gay” he says as there isn’t any emotion in his face which is either that he has been through this situation in his head so much that he’s gotten over the emotion or that he is holding it back.

“It was a couple of months later and Olivia had time off cause she was sick and I found out she was pregnant which shocked me so much because we were young and didn’t think that anything could happen,” he says as I nod along not really knowing how the situation could be for him or anyone in that but just know that it must be hard.

Connor lets out a long sigh as Logan is still doing his homework “It was hard because we had actually started to hate each other at first because I think that after we did it she wanted something more but then I didn’t so there was that and her being pregnant was tough”.

As we sit there, Connor’s story gets interrupted by Logan finishing his homework “Can I go upstairs and play now ?” he asks as I nod and then Connor says that he will go upstairs to play with him for a while which makes Logan happy and was part of the deal that they had.

I can’t help but blame myself for pushing the issue with him on all this because I know that it’s a tough situation and he has told me so many times that he wishes that he could have had Chase living closer but family wise he is better off with Olivia with all her family in Wyndham.

As they work my phone rings and I see Dad’s name on the display

Me: “Hey Dad, everything ok?”

Dad: ‘Hey Trent, have you guys heard anything about the case at all?”

Me: “Nah, I haven’t personally why? Connor hasn’t said anything either?”

I’m starting to worry that something has happened that could have upset everything and let them get away with the situation which is why Dad is ringing me up at this time of the afternoon. My brain is quickly going through the scenarios that could’ve happened like all the charges have been dropped or something like that.

Dad: “All good, it’s only just come through to us that the application to dismiss was denied so that the trial can happen but there is something else in there that changes things up slightly”

Me: “That’s good news but what’s the other situation that changes, all I need after everything is more good news” 

Dad: “It’s somewhere in between but I’m not supposed to say this to you right now but we’ve been told that one of the crew is offering information for a deal, I can’t say who because I don’t know but that’s just what I got told”

I let out a sigh of relief but not knowing anything more is probably good right now and I decide that I’m not going to tell Connor anything because there isn’t anything that he needs to know other than the fact that it’s dismissed.

As I talk to Dad, Logan comes down and wants me to join them in playing a game upstairs as he doesn’t realise I’m on the phone “I’m on the phone and will talk to you in a few minutes”

Dad: “Is that Logan I can hear in the background?”

Me: “Yep, he wants me to come upstairs and play a game with Connor and him; Do you want to talk to him?”

Dad says that he does and I can hear him talking to Logan about school and everything as Logan always enjoys spending time with Dad although with Dad’s schedule, he doesn’t get to see all the family and sometimes I wonder whether, like Mum, he should start thinking about retirement but he always waves that idea off.

Logan gets off the phone as Dad has to go and he has a big smile on his face as he enjoys talking to grandad and then tells me that he wants me to come upstairs so that we can play the board game together. We sit there doing that and it’s really good fun until Jess gets here to pick up Logan as she comes in “You three look like you’re having fun” she says as we didn’t hear her come in which isn’t unusual and why I keep the door unlocked for her to come in which might not be the smartest idea for a couple of cops to keep their door unlocked especially with everything that happened and what could happen.

Logan doesn’t bother even to notice that Jess is here as he is still so focussed on winning as I get up and they keep playing as Connor tells Logan that he will help him put everything away as Jess and I head downstairs to talk.

“So how’re things going? You seemed pretty stressed when I messaged you last night” she says as I nod and start to get dinner organised which just consists of some marinated Pork steaks and then some pasta salad that Connor bought this morning. “Things are alright, just a couple of things going on at work which have sorted themselves out thankfully,” I say as the boys are still upstairs cleaning up.

“That’s good, how’s Connor doing with everything?” Jess asks as I shrug not sure whether to tell her about the conversation this afternoon but then at the same time I will probably get her advice on how to deal with the conversation. “He’s doing good, he was saying that Chase is probably going to come over during the holidays to visit so he’s excited by that but then I kind of put my foot in it today because even though we have sort of brushed on the whole situation, I kinda asked him about it and I think because he misses having Chase around here and getting to be a Dad” Jess nods as I tell her.

Jess doesn’t say anything because she doesn’t want to be overheard and make the situation any weirder if Connor hears me talking about it with her, especially with how close he keeps the feelings to himself at the moment. The boys come downstairs as Logan is bickering with Connor about Connor trying to claim that he won the game but Logan says it didn’t count because they didn’t actually finish.

Logan picks up his stuff and hugs Connor first “Bye Uncle Connor” and then just looks at me and waves “So I don’t matter anymore?” I say as he turns back and hugs me too “Bye Uncle Trent” as he walks out to the car with Jess.

“You don’t have to put up with him the way that you do,” I say as I kiss Connor on the cheek again as he smiles “I know, but I do it because I love you and I love your family,” he says as I hug him tightly. “I know it’s probably because I’m a cop but instantly everybody took me in and made me part of your family when mine is so far away and talking to Logan at the footy and then the fact that without saying anything started to call me Uncle Connor”.

The emotion of that makes him both smile and cry at the same time as I rub his back as he starts to help me start with dinner. “What did your Dad want on the phone this afternoon? Can’t have been good news if he rang you straight away” he asks as I shake my head.

“Nah, was fine he just rang to tell me that they lost their application to dismiss the charges in pretty record time apparently,” I tell him as he nods and smiles but I get the sense that he knows that I’m keeping something from him but he doesn’t push the issue right now.

“That’s good, we at least know they have to face me and what they’ve done,” he says focused on the situation as I cook dinner and look across at him. “Look about me this afternoon bringing up all the stuff with Chase and Olivia” I start to say as he puts his hands up to tell me to stop.

He lets out a deep breath as he looks at me “It’s totally cool, I haven’t talked about it at all to anyone really because not even my parents know the full story about it all” he says as I nod. “Well remember you can tell me as much or as little as you want to” he smiles and tells me that he appreciates it and that we can do that after dinner because right now he wants to go upstairs and do some of his exercises that he didn’t get to this morning.

I put the radio on as I cook dinner for the next 20 minutes before calling up to Connor who has taken his shirt off and comes down sweaty. “How the hell did you manage to work up that level of sweat so soon and I hope you didn’t push too hard,” I say as the sweat glistens off his body and abs which are starting to look even better with the slightly leaner figure that he now has since the incident.

Eating dinner, we just sit there talking about everything in general with no real topic as the conversation drifts from topic to topic from work which as much as we try to avoid it always comes up and then move on to talk about footy and then about TV and everything that we want to do.

After dinner, Connor loads the dishwasher and then tells me to get ready to go out which I have no idea why he wants to go out but I agree and I go to grab my car keys but he tells me that we’re going to go for a walk instead. Heading out, it turns out that all of Logan’s Ice Cream talk has made Connor want some of his own and we head down to the shop that is just down the road before heading to the park where we sit down.

“I just wanted to get out of the house and after Logan talked about how desperately he wanted to have Ice Cream I had the urge for a Choc-Caramel Swirl,” he says laughing as we sit there just talking for a few minutes.

“Talking about Chase and everything that happened with Olivia is so hard and that whole situation was just tough to deal with and there are so many things that I wish I could’ve changed but then I know if I did change them I wouldn’t have Chase,” he says as I think that bottling things up for so long has probably made it harder to let out and that I know that he wants to bring it up and like me talking about Harry it gets so difficult.

I put my arm around him as I squeeze him trying to make sure that he is ok and feels comfortable to tell me everything “There was never any discussion about Olivia not having the baby and when she had him we tried to potentially make things work but with all her family living in the West, she wanted to be around them and because I was at boarding school and was already working I stayed and never actually told them the story” he says to me as I nod not realising he went to boarding school.

“I hadn’t told them anything yet about being gay even though I was now pretty open to everyone that I knew and if they found out then I wasn’t worried,” he says as I sit there nodding and listening to his situation. “We went through the process, there were times when she didn’t want me around at all but I wanted to be a key part of Chase’s life and it was actually my idea on the name that she liked and we sort of became friends but were never exactly close,” he says as he continues to elaborate.

“Chase was only a few months old when she told me that she wanted to move back around her family which I could understand because neither of us had family close by and the family that was here didn’t particularly like me for what happened either so ultimately she decided that she wanted to move back home” Connor is staying pretty calm right now but I can tell that he is getting emotional about it.

We sit there for a minute as something on the road takes our attention away for a minute and I change topics just to make him feel comfortable before he keeps going. “So back to the Chase situation, she decided to move back home and I offered to go with her so that I was around but after talking about it, I didn’t know anyone in Wyndham and there wasn’t anything for me and her family didn’t like me so I stayed,” he says as I knew that part of the story already.

“Over time we became closer and I would go over there to visit and he’s been here a few times with my parents getting to know him and he understands the situation of why I live here” he explains as I nod and keeps talking to me. “So it’s hard because as he grows up and I’ve gotten older, it doesn’t get easier and I just wish I could be there for him to go to footy practice even though he plays AFL and not league and enjoy the Kings” Connor puts his finger up in front of me before I can even say anything about people actually enjoying watching the Kings.

The whole conversation with Connor opens up another side of him that although I already knew was there with how he deals with Logan in particular but with my whole family. The decision for him to have Chase so far away was one that I quickly realise that he regrets doing even though it was the best for everyone and I’m just glad that he can talk about it with me.