Beyond The Blue

I know a few of you are getting restless and I apologise it's been a slow and tedious burn with Trent and Connor, but I didn't want to make you wait for this chapter that does touch on some tough and very emotional topics in this chapter.

The Edge of Everything

A few weeks later, Connor and I are back on patrol together for the first time since he came back from Wyndham and it’s almost like we’ve been separated on purpose and pushed onto different shifts.

2:47 pm: It’s a quiet Sunday afternoon, Connor and I have been lucky enough to be paired up together which is a rarity these days since he got back from Wyndham because we always seem to be on different shifts and never get to see each other outside of work. We have a great afternoon together just chatting away and not doing much because there isn’t too much going on around the place.

We pull up our car outside the Hamilton Park train station where Connor is insisting that I try the Coffee and Sausage Rolls from the bakery that he loves so much and because we don’t really travel past here too often, he’s never had the chance to stop in.

Wandering in, the lady behind the counter knows his order off by heart and makes it as I give my order “You got a new friend today Connor” she says as he smiles and introduces me. Our introduction isn’t so much one of being just partners, he introduces me as his best mate which our relationship has quickly become even though I want it to be more.

Taking a break from driving around the streets, we sit down outside for a few minutes just to take some time out of the car. We sit down for about ten minutes when there is a radio message coming through “Attention all units, urgent assistance requested Hamilton Park railway station, there is a person threatening self-harm” 

Connor radios through that we are actually outside the station now and can be there in a matter of seconds, running across the road both of us just narrowly avoid being hit by a bus in our rush to get down the stairs to the platform.

The station manager is waiting for us “That was fast... we’ve got a young guy down the end of the overpass who has climbed the railing and is threatening to jump, we’ve got an express train supposed to come through in 10 minutes, they’re trying to divert it but the other tracks are closed and it’s locked in and needs the power on” he says as I leave Connor to get the information.

I head over to the walkway where the guy turns and sees me “Don’t get any closer or I’ll fucking jump” he says as I stand back from him and try to talk him back over the edge.

“I won’t get any closer bro, but why don’t you tell me what’s going on here,” I say to him trying to keep him calm as he is quite panicked about everything and not in a good way. “It’s all over, it doesn’t matter if I fucking die or not,” he says as I shake my head at him.

“Bro, you’re only young you have plenty of people that care about you and this isn’t fair on them,” I say to him as he is still in a state and yells at me “JUST STAY THE FUCK AWAY… YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING”.

I stand there nodding as he yells at me “You’re right, I don’t know anything so why do you talk to me about what’s going on?” I say trying to keep him calm as he looks at me “I promise nobody will come up here other than me and maybe my partner”.

The guy nods, still quite agitated and upset as I can see there is quite a lot on his mind right now and something has really pushed him to the brink. I stand there for a minute as I turn my radio down “I’m Trent” introducing myself as he reluctantly tells me that his name is Levi.

“It’s good to meet you Levi, but why are we spending our afternoon like this,” I say to him as he stands there and just looks at me. “It’s better if I’m dead, it’ll make them happy and I’ve got nothing to live for,” he says to me as I take a step closer to him, thinking he might be having drug problems or something.

“Nobody would be happy if you were dead,” I say to him as he turns and looks at me “What the fuck would you know?” he says as I shrug, knowing this isn’t probably going as well as I wanted it to.

“Like I said before I don’t know what’s going on, but I know it must be something pretty serious to be doing something as drastic as this,” I say to him trying to get the story out of him but I can’t at the moment. I head down the walkway hoping he doesn’t jump in the meantime, I talk to Connor “I don’t know what’s going on, I think he wants to tell me but at the same time he’s just so overwhelmed by everything” he nods as I look at him.

“He left his backpack, phone and wallet down on the platform bench his name is Levi Jamison, he’s 18 and lives a few streets away,” Connor tells me as I look at him and nod. “I want to go back up and talk to him because I think we could probably help him more than anyone else coming”.

Connor doesn’t like the idea fully but reluctantly agrees to me going back up there because other units are still quite a few minutes away. I give Connor my stuff and take off my uniform shirt leaving the black tank top I’ve got on underneath to feel more casual.

“So Levi, what happened this morning that made you want to do this?” I say to him as he looks at me, I can see that he doesn’t want to do this but he is just a young guy that is totally out of ideas and looks like his world is gone.

I stand away from him for a few minutes as he doesn’t say much and I keep trying to ask questions unsuccessfully before I start talking to him about me. “If you don’t want to talk to me, how about I tell you about me? I’m Trent, I’ve been a cop for 6 months, my Grandad was a cop, my Dad and Brother are cops” I say talking to him calming the situation down as more units arrive and Connor stops them from coming upstairs.

Levi looks at me and it’s been about 40 minutes since we’ve been here with no response from him as he looks at me “Why do you care if I jump or not?” he says to me as I look at him. “Why wouldn’t I care Levi? Clearly, you don’t want to do this otherwise you would have wanted to do it” I say which is probably not the best thing to say to him but he just nods.

“It’s all so fucking stupid… I’ve lost them for good,” he says crying as he starts opening up to me about things as I get closer to him a few steps which he seems ok with. “Who have you lost Levi? Friends, Family?” he says as I look at him and he looks at me.

“Both, everybody after this,” he says to me as I ask him to tell me what happened and reluctantly, he does “I was in bed this morning with my partner, we were just cuddled up together and my parents were away after we went out last night… I didn’t think they would be home until tonight and they caught us,” he says as I nod.

He looks at me, still not telling me everything “Is that what happened? The person you care about getting caught and you’re not able to see them anymore?” I ask as he gets frustrated and upset again.

“Why do you care? After work you get to go back to your family and your life with your girlfriend,” he says as I don’t correct him about my situation. “I care because I don’t want to see anything happen to you so just tell me what happened fully because I don’t know the situation, so I’m not going to judge you,” I say to him.

“I… I’m gay and my parents are ultra-conservative so everything I had to do with Tommy was in secret which is why he stayed over this weekend” I stand there nodding as I talk to him, just listening not telling him any part of my history.

“My parents came home early from their trip because Dad has to work tonight and they caught me and Tommy in bed together naked” my head dropping and feeling quite guilty because I never had any issues, my parents were accepting from the first time I told them and only had one relative that had an issue with me.

“What happened next then?” I ask curiously as what happened next might help me figure things out to help Levi. “Dad came in and pulled Tommy out of bed, made him get dressed and then started hitting him in the guts,” he says as I let out a sigh worried about what happened to Tommy.

“Then they told me that I wouldn’t see Tommy again and he’s not answering his phone and all the messages I sent to him are just on seen” I stand there looking at him getting closer, as my heart sinks worried now not just about what happened to Levi but to Tommy as well.

Standing there, Levi is pretty open about everything now, I don’t know if he saw my watchband but he feels a lot more comfortable opening up to me. “What happened between them getting home and this, something must have happened?” I ask as he just nods at me as he stands there.

“They made me shower in Ice cold water and then I had to get dressed and they took me straight to the church they go to where I had to listen to everything about how being gay is a sin and everything before they told me I would have to go away for a few weeks to a place to fix me,” he says as I let out a sigh, knowing that it means supposed conversion therapy.

“Everything was going so well, I really loved Tommy because he just knew how to make me feel good and showed me, love, where I thought it would never be,” he says as I nod before he keeps going. “We had made plans for me to move in with him because I had Uni here and my parents were moving to go to Singapore for Dad’s work but now, I’ve lost him forever because he won’t talk to me after what happened,” he says to me as I get the sense, he’s getting agitated.

“What do you think Tommy would be feeling right now if he knew you were standing over the edge of the barrier, wanting to jump off and kill yourself when quite clearly he loves you too,” I say to him as he looks at me thinking about things.

“I can tell you from experience, that losing someone is one of the toughest things that you can go through in life, especially when you want to blame yourself,” I say to him as he looks at me and gets angry.

“What the fuck do you know about losing somebody? What do you know about being gay? Did some girl just tell you that she doesn’t wanna be with you anymore?” he says to me as I sigh and start to remember about Harry and just being with him in those final days.

“Nearly two years ago, I lost my best friend forever and the person I loved more than anything,” I say as he looks at me as I think about what I want to say. “It wasn’t my fault, it wasn’t his fault but when Harry died, part of me wanted to as well and it took me a long time to adjust,” I say trying to get Levi to think about what would happen to Tommy.

“If you did jump this afternoon, I guarantee you that Tommy would be the most heartbroken person in the world because he loves you and from what you said to me, it’s pretty obvious,” I say looking at him as I can see Levi thinking about everything I said.

Levi looks at me “You… you are….” I just stand there and nod “Yep, I’m gay”. I see the surprise on his face “And you want to know something else? My partner Connor is gay too, see you can have a successful life and still be gay” I say as Levi feels a bit more relaxed but still not ready to come back over the railing yet.

“I know what it is like to lose someone you love forever, my boyfriend Harry and I were together for 3 years and had talked about our future together,” I say to him as I open up to him. “When he passed away just under 2 years ago, I thought my world was over because he was the only person that I knew fully got me and would never find again,” I say as I look back at him thinking about our relationship.

“What happened?” Levi asks as I stand there and tell him the rest of the story “Well we were together and Harry hadn’t been feeling too well so he went to the doctor after weeks of nagging him because he kept complaining about these headaches he was having” I say getting closer to the edge.

“He finally went and they sent him for scans and found he had an aggressive brain tumour that couldn’t be treated,” I say getting emotional as I look at Levi. “There wasn’t anything to do and I just had to watch as my fit, healthy and muscled boyfriend eventually couldn’t do anything on his own and I had to watch him go,” I say trying to fight back the tears as Levi looks at me now realising that I know what I’m talking about. “It was one of the hardest things I ever had to deal with watching my boyfriend and the man that I had started to plan a future with going to sleep for the last time holding my hand” my emotions trying to get the better of me as I look at Levi who is getting emotional.

“I didn’t want to go on without Harry because he was such a big part of my life and I still miss him every day but you have a chance with Tommy still and I can guarantee that he knows that none of what happened is your fault,” I say as Levi nods and looks across at me.

I put my hand on his resting on the railing “If you did jump, then do you want Tommy to be sitting there everyday thinking about you and blaming himself for what happened because I guarantee that by you doing this, he will blame himself like I did with Harry”. I look at Levi “I know the situations are different between you and me but there is a future for you two and from everything he said, you clearly love him and he loves you”.

I quickly check my watch and realise that we’ve been here for nearly two hours as I see Levi thinking about things before he turns to me. “I can’t do this but I need help,” he says as I nod reassuring him things will be ok.

“I can help you find somewhere safe to go tonight, nowhere where your parents can find you and you can get the help that you need by trying to talk to someone, it helped me to talk about my feelings a lot about Harry,” I say as I help Levi climb back over the railing and to safety.

I turn around and see Connor standing there behind me having heard every part of my story “This is Connor” I say introducing him to Levi. “He’s my partner who I told you about,” he says nodding, still emotionally disturbed as one of our support officers walks with Levi downstairs.

Standing there Connor looks at me “What you said to Levi about your boyfriend? Was that all true?” he asks as I nod and break down and just hug him with everything that happened in the last two hours taking its toll on me as Inspector Reynolds comes up to see how I am.

“Everything ok Trent?” she asks as Connor nods and looks at her. “Yeah, everything with Levi just brought up some old memories for Trent and it’s hit him pretty hard,” he says as she nods and rubs my back. “I know about the situation today and I know what happened but you did amazing work today, Trent”.

She says giving us a few moments before I pick up my shirt and put it back on, “Look, about not telling you” I say to Connor as he turns to me “You don’t need to explain, I’m not worried because I know something like this must be tough”.

We walk down back to the platform where Levi is sitting with the support officer as Joe is standing down by the stairs as I’m clearly emotional “Standing up there or two hours talking to some poof to stop him jumping because somebody said something mean to the snowflake is a waste of time” he says as Connor tries to move me away but I look across at him.

“What the fuck do you know about anything like this you fucking piece of scum? This kid thought he had lost everybody who loved him in his life, if that was you wouldn’t you be upset” I say getting angry as he looks at me and goes to say something. “You are the biggest lowlife piece of scum that I have ever come across and I hope that one day you get what’s coming,” I say walking off as Ange checks on me.

“What happens to Levi?” I ask as she looks at him “We take him for a mental health assessment and depending on how long that takes he goes home, unfortunately”. The response isn’t great but I look at her “Can I go with Levi to the hospital? I think he could do with a friendly face around and I know a place where he can go” I ask as she nods.

“Sure, but remember your shift is over in 10 minutes, it’ll have to be on your own time,” I say nodding as Connor asks if he can be there too. We get into our car and head back to the station to debrief, I tell Levi that I’ll meet him at the hospital so he can talk to me there.

Getting into the car, I sit there so drained right now about everything that happened this afternoon talking to Levi and getting him down off the edge of the railing and opening myself up for the first time ever and then for Connor to hear what I had to say.

I wait for him to get into the car as he finishes talking to Ange and I run my hand over my face and sigh thinking that Connor would be absolutely pissed with me and think that I didn’t trust him and I know that I should’ve followed Darcy and Jess’ advice and told him everything but I couldn’t.

Connor gets into the car and looks at me “You alright Trent?” he asks as he pats my leg and then leans over and hugs me. I sit there nodding, surprised that he isn’t angry at me for not telling him everything when he’s been an open book to me.

“Yeah I guess… just listening to Levi up there was just tough because for me I had such a good relationship with my family and pretty much everyone accepted me straight away and I was still just Trent to them,” I say avoiding the topic of bringing up Harry again.

Connor looks at me “Trent, I’m not worried that you never told me you were gay or Harry” he says looking at me trying to make the point that he isn’t worried and right now I see him and just wish I could cry.

Knowing that we have to get back to de-brief, I try to keep it in and we head back to see Ange fill out our reports of the afternoon’s events. Finishing up, Ange calls me into the office and tells me to sit down as I feel totally wiped and she can see that on my face.

“I wanted to see if you were ok Trent, I know what happened in your past with your partner and I know you're gay” I sit there nodding, not annoyed because I know her and Dad are close friends so he would’ve told her at the time and then before when I started.

Sitting in the office I’m exhausted both physically and mentally “Yeah, today was just confronting seeing a kid like Levi thinking that they’ve got no other options” I say trying to take the topic off me but it doesn’t work with a master investigator.

“I’m talking about you Trent, I know your history with Harry and everything that happened with him and then seeing Levi in a position of vulnerability,” Ange says looking at me and putting her arm around me as she looks at me.

I look at her “I’m ok, it was just the first time I’d really opened up about it and seeing things like Levi left me feeling odd” I say as I sit there and let out a sigh “You know my family, they’re so open-minded about things and everything but with poor Levi, just made me feel guilty that I got it so easy”.

Ange nods for a minute but then looks back at me “There’s no reason to feel guilty today Trent, you saved a life and honestly if there was any other officer up there then the circumstance was totally different” she says to me as I nod taking on board what she had to say.

I sit there for a minute as she keeps telling me how good a job I did up there in that circumstance to not make myself such a dominating figure with Levi who was struggling with the authority figures in his life and how I opened up. Sitting there listening, I realise that I did do a good job with Levi and that I know Connor would’ve done the same thing as me but people like Joe would’ve just let Levi jump.

Wandering out of Ange’s office, I expect that Connor would have left by now because I was in talking for so long as she was organising a couple of days leave for me just to destress and focus on some more of the training that I have to do. Needing a shower, I grab my clothes from my locker and head up to the gym where I see Connor having a workout with Jamie who’s working tonight.

“Thought you would’ve left by now,” I ask Connor as he shakes his head and looks across at me “Why would I have left?” he asks as I shrug thinking that he would be pissed off with me for not telling him everything.

Jamie gives Connor and me some space as he heads to the showers and even though I knew he was a massive guy, I wasn’t expecting to see as ripped a body as what he had. Connor and I find a spot to talk out on the balcony as we sit there.

“I’m proud of you today Trent and I’m not upset at all” Connor looks across at me and puts his hand on my hand. “You’re trying to prove yourself here and there’s already enough ammunition for the other dickheads to go at you, I can understand not giving Joe and all that another weapon,” he says as I look at him and smile.

Sitting there I look across at Connor as he squeezes my hand “Thanks man, I honestly wanted to tell you but then I just didn’t want you thinking that I was full of emotional baggage and honestly, I spent so much time with self-pity and blaming myself for Harry that I’ve just been trying to look forward”.

“It just proves to me how much of a good person you are Trent,” Connor says to me as I look across at him and smile “From the moment that we met, I haven’t felt a friendship this good where I can just talk about things with you, especially about Chase,” he says as I smile realising that we’re both carrying a bit of emotional baggage.

Sitting there we get up for a minute and head to the shower before Connor tells me that he wants to come with me to see Levi at the hospital and then take him somewhere safe for the night. I take the last shower in the row and Connor goes into the one next to me.

Letting the water run over my body, I sit there thinking about everything today, especially about how I was able to open up about Harry for the first time as well as Connor finding out and my worst fears about our friendship, once he knew about my past, were just stupid.

I stand there for a while before getting out of the shower and see Connor sitting on a bench that is in the shower area with the water on his smooth chest glistening in the light right now as even though I’ve seen him shirtless, this is the first time that I’ve realised that his chest is so defined and smooth.

“Were you waiting to see me shirtless again?” I say smirking as I get out of the shower as he sits there almost like he is waiting for me as I smile and feel a lot less pressure right now.

Connor sits there and shrugs his shoulders “I mean, you can’t have missed me checking you out that morning I came over for that visit” he says laughing as I knew he was checking me out big time.

I punch his arm and sit down next to him as the water is still dripping off our bodies, his a lot smoother than mine as we sit there and I glance at his body again as I sit there and look at him “You don’t think that I didn’t notice that?” I say to him as he rolls his eyes.

We sit there for a minute and being a Sunday it’s pretty quiet so nobody is around as I look at Connor and instinctively put my head on his shoulder as he rubs his hair “I’m so glad that I met someone like you and found a best friend like you” he says to me as I smile.

“Me too, I never thought that I would find someone that I would just be able to be so open with about everything and just talk through all my problems with,” I say to Connor who nods in agreement with me.

“That’s how I feel about you, something about our friendship is just amazing from that first point we met that I could be open and then listening to me about Chase and helping me organise everything to fly out to Wyndham,” his smile on his face tells me that the feeling is mutual.

As we sit there, Connor looks at me and I don’t know what overcomes me but I give him a quick kiss on the lips which is something that I’ve always wanted to do but never thought he would react positively and right now I’m thinking he’s going to push me away.

Instead, Connor kisses me back gently before pulling away and looking at me with a smile on his face “You have no idea how much I’ve been wishing this could happen” he says to me as I wink before he adds “Actually I guess you probably do” he says laughing.

Getting up, we both realise this isn’t the place to get it on and need to get to see Levi to make sure he’s ok and take him somewhere safe away from his parents. Getting dressed, we’re not alone in the gym locker room so we’ve gotta keep it clean between us which is getting really hard and letting out that we are both now attracted to each other and know that each other is gay will get tongues wagging and cause more issues for the both of us.

I get dressed and head down to get my bag where I walk down past one of the spare rooms where Joe and a group of others are sitting there talking, ignoring them I can’t help but overhear their conversation about today.

“Yeah and that fucking princess up there getting upset because some fairy is upset because someone is mean to them is a joke,” Joe says as I notice him see me and then he continues “Oh look there he is now… finished getting your cuddles from mummy because you’ve had a bad day”.

I turn to go and say something but Connor walks behind me and pushes me forward “Don’t give them the time of day, you know that you’ve done the right thing today and karma will come back to get them big time” he says as I nod hoping that it does as we head out to the car park.

“I’ll stop off and buy some dinner and then meet you at the hospital,” Connor says to me as I look across at him surprised. “You don’t have to come you know” his face as I say that looks a bit annoyed towards me.

“I know that I don’t have to come but I want to, as much for you as it is for Levi because you’ve had a tough day and going back to see Levi is going to bring back all sorts of memories and I want to be here for you to vent and make sure that everything is ok for you,” he says to me as we hug and head out of the station to our cars.