Beyond The Blue

I start cooking dinner as Dad calls in making a detour on the way home, he didn’t know if I was in or not but heard from Jess that I’d gone home for a little while. “Hey Dad, didn’t expect to see you tonight,” I say as he nods.

“Just wanted to come and check in on you and see if there’s anything that I can get for you or do around here,” he says as I shake my head and see Brian come down the stairs. “Oh Dad, this is Connor’s dad Brian, Brian this is my dad Geoff”.

The pair of them shake hands as I finish cooking up some chicken I had been planning to cook tonight anyway and just give them a couple of different things to go with it because I don’t know how hungry or not, they are as well as what their preferences are.

Dad decides to have some dinner too as Tracey comes down from having a shower and getting changed as I introduce my Dad to her as well. I sit there finishing my food before they do and I head into the living room for a minute and have a look at the two pictures that are up on the old fireplace, the one with me and Harry and then the one with Connor and Chase standing there together.

The others finish dinner and talk as Dad tells me that he has to go because he’s back in court again tomorrow on the same case he has been for a while. I hug him and tell him that I’ll be here to talk and he tells me he will check in on me tomorrow with everything that happened.

I go up and take a quick shower again and have no idea whether I should stay here or go back to the hospital and be with Connor tonight and come downstairs wearing track pants and a hoodie that means that I can make a decision either way. As I’m downstairs I notice Tracey having a look at the two pictures on the fireplace as she looks at the picture of me and Harry with a strange look at it like she almost disapproves of it being there.

“This your brother?” she asks as I stand there awkwardly not sure how to tell my boyfriend's mother that I have a picture of my previous boyfriend up in public view. “Ah no, that’s actually Harry we were together until he passed away from cancer two years ago tomorrow,” I say as she nods and then puts her arm around me.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realise,” she says to me feeling guilty though I know it probably would look weird to those who don’t know my situation that I still have a picture of my past love out on display. “It’s ok, I know how weird it must look to most people that I have a picture of my ex up there and really I told Connor if it was an issue I could put it away but he told me that I shouldn’t have to hide feelings,” I say opening up to Tracey who smiles.

“I don’t know anything about your situation, but like usual Connor is 100% right that you cannot hide your feelings for someone like Harry, especially with what happened and how much he meant to you,” she says as I’m surprised that she is as understanding as she is. “Connor would understand more than most” her words confuse me as Connor hasn’t told me much about that.

“I’m not sure what you’re talking about,” I say as Tracey realises that Connor hasn’t told me about what she is referring to. “Oh, Connor’s dad died when he was 7,” she says as it makes sense why he prioritises Chase so much.

Tracey looks at me “Connor had never told you about his dad?” she says to me as I shake my head and I’m not really upset that he didn’t tell me “I’m not surprised he didn’t tell you honestly, he doesn’t talk about it all that much” she says to me as I want to know what happened.

“If it’s not overstepping, what happened to his dad?” I ask as Tracey shakes her to tell me that I’m not overstepping at all. “He died in a car accident when a truck driver had fallen asleep on the Grosvenor Highway and had crossed to the wrong side of the road straight into Pat’s car,” she says with very little emotion which might be something that has built over time or just time has healed the wounds.

I stand there nodding appreciatively that she told me this and hope that Connor will forgive her and me for asking about it when he has never told me about it.

“Tell me about your Harry,” Tracey asks me as I smile because even though normally I feel weird about talking about him, doing it with my potential mother-in-law seems really normal. “Harry and I were together for two years, we just connected and moved in together and were just thinking the world was ours,” I say as I look at the picture. “Harry and I had gone to Europe which was where the picture was and he’d been feeling unwell but we didn’t put it down to much until we got home and he went to the doctor and had scans, nobody even the doctor thought much of it until we went back to the doctor and got told he had brain cancer and there was nothing that could be done”.

Tracey puts her arms around me and hugs me as I stand there surprisingly for myself not crying about it as I take this as a big win. “Yeah, he battled for 8 months but ultimately it wasn’t meant to be and he passed away two years ago tomorrow,” I say as she looks at me and hugs me again.

“Connor has been such a godsend through all this, for so long I’d struggled and never thought that I would ever find anyone special again but Connor just instantly made me feel things that I haven’t felt since I first met Harry and never thought I would again,” I say to her as she keeps hugging me.

Standing there, I look across at her “Would you mind if I went to the hospital to spend the night with Connor, especially just for tonight?” I ask as she shakes her head at me.

“Of course, we wouldn’t mind Trent, you do what you need to do,” she says as I smile and realise where Connor gets all his warmth from his Mum and Step-Dad who are just amazing people. I get my keys and head to the hospital, part of me is having a panic attack thinking about what happened with Harry but I know that I need to do this.

I head upstairs to the ICU and the nursing manager on duty doesn’t take my presence there very welcomingly “What are you doing here?” she asks as I wander towards Connor’s room. “I’m here to be with my boyfriend, I’m down on the family visitors list,” I say as she just looks at me and doesn’t respond to what I have to say.

“Do you know what time it is? He’s sedated anyway so won’t know ” she says to me almost dismissing me and her hand gestures imply that she just wants me gone and that I’m a bother.

“Look, I’m not going to go anywhere other than sitting with my boyfriend like I have done every night, especially tonight when I need to be with him,” I say as she looks across at me and gives me a glare as I stand there. “Connor is both my partner at work and my boyfriend,” I say as she looks at me almost shrugging.

I don’t want to cause an issue but feeling annoyed I ring Jess hoping she can help me

Jess: “Hey Trent, is everything alright?”

Me: “Umm not really, I’m trying to get into see Connor because I need to be with him tonight but the charming nurse manager won’t let me through”

Jess: “Ah shit, did you tell her that you’re on the family list?”

Me: “Yep but told me that with the time and Connor sedated he wouldn’t know so he wouldn’t know and I don’t want to cause a scene but just tonight of all nights”

Jess: ‘I know, I’ll be up in a few minutes I actually finish in about 15 minutes so I’ll be up shortly”

I didn’t know that Jess was at work so this was actually a bonus that she was here to help me as she comes upstairs in a matter of minutes. “Hey, how you doing?” she says to me hugging me tightly “Not too bad, I just wanted to come and sit with Connor because I know that at home he would’ve been there with me but I couldn’t be alone even though his parents are staying over at my place.

“Yeah, I get that, so did you try to go through?” she asks as I nod to her “Some of them are absolute bitches about things and if you’re on the family visitor register then they cannot deny you to stay with him”.

“Evening Margaret, is there any reason why my brother cannot see his boyfriend tonight?” Jess asks as she glares at Margaret who doesn’t take her eyes off her crossword. “Because Jessica, the ICU out of hours visiting log is for immediate family only and your brother is not a direct family member,” she says smugly as Jess takes after Dad in not backing down for anything.

“Well Margaret, you might find that Trent is listed on the family register of visitors which means that he is entitled to stay with Connor in his room and honestly, tonight more than most because my brother lost his previous boyfriend to cancer two years ago tonight,” she says as even though his anniversary is considered the next day because he passed away after midnight.

Margaret rolls her eyes which makes me wonder how you can be someone so uncompassionate when you are being an ICU nurse where people are seriously injured and ill but eventually she types something into the computer bringing up Connor’s visitor list.

“What was your name again?” she says to me as I know that I’m on the list and that she is just trying to make life difficult for both me and Jess right now. “Trent Hannan,” I say as she scrolls through and I notice that she sees the name.

“I guess it’s ok because somebody has put you on the list but you aren’t immediate family so really I shouldn’t be letting you in,” she says as I start to think that she is going to turn me away which had Jess been there I think she would have.

She gives me the wristband that all visitors get to show they have the approval to spend the night and I wander in with Jess who gets free roaming because she’s a nurse. I sit down in one of the chairs as Jess sits down next to me “Want me to stay for a while?” she asks as I shake my head.

“Nah, it’s ok you’ve been working all day, go home and spend the time with the kids,” I say to her as she hugs me and tells me to ring her if I need her. Pushing the chair closer to Connor, I sit there and hold Connor’s hand and squeeze it “Got to spend some good time and your Mum and Step-Dad tonight and I can see why you are so special” I say sitting there with him just talking to him.

“The Kings actually won tonight which was only natural because you weren’t even awake,” I say with a chuckle “I got some birthday cards in the post from family and friends,” I say almost rambling just hoping Connor responds to me. “When I was in the car on the way, the Backstreet Boys were on the radio which was on the first time you got in the car with me,” I say to him as I sit there smiling and squeezing his hand.

“Logan was making you a get well soon card that Jess is going to leave for you tomorrow, your Mum said Chase was worried about you” I keep talking to him for a while as I still hold his hand laying there closing my eyes as I know that this moment isn’t how I planned anything.

Closing my eyes, I can picture both Harry and Connor in my mind as I lay there drifting off to sleep, I picture Harry and me back when we visited Iceland together, sitting out and looking out at the lake at the Air B&B we stayed at for one night just to enjoy the picturesque views that it had and just forgetting about modern life.

Harry and I talked about the future that we had coming for us and just how much we loved each other and how we helped each other become better people. That was certainly true and then meeting Connor, it was definitely the case for me because had I not have had Connor come into my life I don’t know how I would’ve copped with things.

As I keep sleeping, I squeeze Connor’s hand thinking about all the time that we’ve been together as I think about the other day when he both had a rare day off that we went to the beach is where we took the selfie, our first picture together as a couple.

It was a spur-of-the-moment decision that we went to the beach just to get away from the house and work. We were having breakfast and Connor had just asked what I wanted to do today and he suggested that we would go up to Spirit Cove for the day which isn’t the closest beach but it’s one of the hidden treasures that don’t many know about.

We went up there and Connor stopped off to get his surfboard which he keeps in a storage locker that he has not too far from where his apartment was because he didn’t have a garage and needed some more room to keep things.

Driving up the coast, we just listened to music as I drove up and Connor had to make a comment about my music taste which to be fair isn’t too much different to what he likes to listen to. We got up there just before 11:30 and Connor was trying to nag me into trying to learn to surf but instead, I insisted on just going for a swim.

We wandered along the beach before Connor took me to this little café just away from the beach where we got lunch and took it back to the beach where we sat looking out at the ocean. It was just a perfect afternoon for the two of us as we spent it together.

Laying on the beach, I was taking photos of the surf and Connor took control of my phone and took a selfie of the two of us laying on the beach together which was just perfect for the moment and took us both away from the worries he had.

As I slightly let go of Connor’s hand, I don’t know whether it’s me imagining it but I feel something squeezing against my hand as I squeeze it back. I don’t say anything to anybody because I don’t want to let this moment go as I open my eyes and see that it’s just before midnight as I sit there with Connor holding my hand.

I sit there rubbing his hand when this time I see his hand move and feel it squeezing mine which makes me realise that I wasn’t dreaming as I watch him squeezing my hand. I sit there and that moment makes these few minutes so much easier than what I thought they would have been right now.

Even though I know that I should be telling someone about this, I can’t leave this moment as I keep sitting there with Connor and drift off to sleep again until morning when I’m woken by the nurses and doctors doing their morning check. As the doctor comes in I smile at him, he’s pretty cute with a great smile as the more senior doctor comes in as well.

“I’m not sure if I was imagining it last night but when I was sitting there holding his hand it felt as if he squeezed it but I’m not sure” the doctor nods as I’m not sure if he believes me and I don’t even know if I believe it myself.

“Well it is quite a possibility, Mr Jones has responded to every treatment and we are going to bring him out of sedation today and bring him off the respirator,” he says which makes me smile because it tells me that Connor is doing much better and that I wasn’t imagining him squeezing my hand.

I wander out of the ICU where there are the friendly faces that I’ve quickly gotten used to mostly thanks to them all knowing Jess. I ring Tracey who gave me her number

Tracey: “This is Tracey Jones speaking”

Me: “Hey Tracey, it’s Trent”

Tracey: “Oh morning Trent, is there news?”

Me: “Yeah, the doctor just came around to check and Connor’s improved enough that they’re happy to end sedation and he’s come off the breathing machine”

Tracey: “Oh fabulous, we’re just getting ready to come up to the Hospital, do you want us to bring you anything?”

Me: “I’m right thank you, just having you come up will be perfect enough”

Tracey: “No worries, we’re just waiting for the uber to come and pick us up and don’t say anything about getting us a lift or paying for it, we’ve got it”

Me: “Ok, well I’ll see you here shortly”

I get off the phone with Tracey and I don’t feel comfortable making them pay for anything or having to use an uber because I feel a responsibility to be helping them out. I spend a few minutes outside of the hospital to get some fresh air, just smiling as I stand out there realising how lucky I am that Connor is getting out of this.

As I’m standing outside, I notice Steph walking up to the hospital “Hey Trent, glad you saw my text” she says as I didn’t realise that she had messaged me at all as I hug her “How you doing today?” she says smiling.

“Not too bad actually, Connor is responding well and they are taking him out of sedation today and he squeezed my hand last night,” I say as Steph smiles although neither of us can manage to bring up Jamie’s name right now.

Sitting outside for a few minutes, Steph looks at me “Sorry I couldn’t get here earlier, there were no flights out and I just” she says crying as I hug her. “Don’t be sorry, this was all just a terrible situation that nobody could control” I say as she hugs me and cries into her shoulder.

“How are you doing with the other thing today?” she asks as I smile “Honestly, haven’t thought about it been focussed on Connor so much,” I say as Steph nods and we just sit there talking because she feels weird about going up to see him right now.

We sit there just talking as Tracey and Brian come wandering up from their uber dropping them off down the road “Hey Connor” Tracey says as Brian comes in and shakes my hand. “Steph, this is Connor’s mum and step-dad Tracey and Brian, this is our friend and colleague Steph” they introduce each other.

Steph comes upstairs with me and I take them all up, even though there is only a small visitor limit, I choose to wait outside so that nobody overwhelms the limit which I have to be appreciative of the leeway that we’ve had over the past few days.

I sit down in the coffee shop for a little while before Steph comes and finds me to tell me that they want me back up there because they’re hopeful Connor will be awake shortly. Steph tells me that she’s got cleaning to do before heading to work tonight which she wants to do because she knows that Jamie and Connor wouldn’t want her to not work.

I head upstairs and the doctors do their thing and they tell us that it could be anytime this afternoon that he wakes up which gives us all a boost. Sitting there with him, I hold his hand as Tracey is rubbing my back as well as Brian sits outside just admiring the view which there is from the hospital ward out towards the city.

It gets to about lunchtime when Brian and Tracey take a break and head downstairs to get some fresh air and something to eat as they tell me to stay and be there with him this afternoon so that I’m there when he wakes up.

It’s only about 10 minutes after they’ve left when I start to hear some movement in the bed “Connor?” I say as I see his eyes slightly open slowly trying to adjust as his head moves and looks towards me as I smile.

“Hey baby, I’m so glad to see you awake,” I say as he forces a groggy smile after being sedated as he just lays there as I rub his hand. As I call out to one of the nurses who comes running in as she does all the tests on Connor who can’t get a word out at the moment.

12:47: Me: “Hey Tracey, Connor’s awake if you want to come up… the doctor is doing some tests but he’s happy”

I say happily as they do what they need to do and give me permission to give Connor a light hug and just feel him putting his arm around me as I stand there not sure how to tell him about Jamie. “H.. how’s Jamie?” he asks as I look down and away not being able to say it.

Connor quickly realises and I notice a tear in his eye about it and just kiss him and hug him to reassure him about things. Sitting there I can’t believe that my boy is awake laying there in hospital as Tracey and Brian come in.

I give them a few minutes because I realise that I need to let a few people know that Connor has woken up this afternoon. I post a message in our family WhatsApp group

“Hey everyone, just to let you know that Connor is awake and talking”

I send it before I ring Ange up to let her know as she is investigating what happened along with a special task force that has been set up because this wasn’t the first robbery in a matter of weeks and what I don’t realise is that Dad is involved with the PIU investigating a potential mole or police officer involved.

Ange: “Hi Trent, got good news for me?”

Me: “100% good news because Connor is awake and talking but they’re trying to keep things calm for him right now”

Ange: “Oh that is amazing news for sure, if it’s ok I might pop up to see him this afternoon as a friend, not as an inspector”

Me: “I think he’ll appreciate that, his parents are up with him now and they’ve been here for the past two days”

Ange: “Oh I didn’t know that, where are they staying because the police family fund can help their costs”

Me: “I just made them stay with me, I’m close enough to the hospital and thought it was my duty more as his boyfriend”

Ange: “You are such a sweet guy Trent; Alright I’ll pop up later but just let me know if it’s not a good time”

I get off the phone with Ange and then ring Steph straight away who is getting ready to go to work.

Me: “He’s awake”

Steph: “Thank god… I was hoping for good news; Does he know about Jamie?”

Me: “Yeah, it was one of the first things he asked about when he woke up and I couldn’t tell him but he knows”

Steph: “Ah yeah, well pass on my love to him and I’ll come visit him tomorrow morning”

Getting off the phone, there’s a sense of energy that comes over me as I head back up to the ICU and head into the room where Connor is feeling much better in the hour since I left him “Where you been?” he asks as I see him with a bit more life in him.

“Telling people that you're awake,” I say as he smiles and puts his hand out to me despite still being pretty weak. “Mum and Dad told me that you’ve spent every night here with me,” he says as I look away coyly and nod as he smiles at me.

“What happened to Jamie?” Connor asks me as I still can’t give him an answer about the full details because I don’t know what happened with the injuries. “All I know from Dad and Ange is that he died on the way to the hospital, the damage was too much and that it was because he copped the most and shielded what you could’ve been hit by,” I say as Connor sits there nodding in silence as I rub his hand.

“Do you want anything or want me to get anything?” I ask as he shakes his head and tells me all that he wants is me right now and then checks on me because he knows what day it is and I haven’t even thought about it.

“I’m good today, being with you is all I needed and having you awake is all I need to make me feel good today,” I say as he smiles and I rub him as the cute doctor does plenty of tests and tells us that we look cute together and leaves alone for a while.

“Laying in a hospital bed might give you a chance to get some hair on your body now,” I say as Connor and I are back to normal teasing each other as he laughs and shakes his head. “The first thing I’m doing is making sure that I’m getting waxed again,” he says as I pout and say that I make a bet that if he can last a couple of months of having his hair grow out then I’ll get waxed myself.

Connor knows that getting me to do anything like that is a big deal so he agrees to it and I know that he is so desperate to beat me at anything that I know that I’m likely to lose this bet and have to get waxed but I’d do it because it’s Connor.

We sit there for a while as his parents come back up and I tell him that I’ll be back shortly because I haven’t showered since last night and I know that his sense of humour hasn’t diminished because now he’s grabbed a spare mask and now acting as if I stink,

Heading home, my phone has stayed lit up with everybody that I told so happy but I want some space right now to just compose myself. I head up to the shower and get naked just standing in the mirror looking at myself realising I need to hit the gym again before getting into the shower.

Letting the water run down my body, I’m just feeling so relaxed right now as I feel all the last few days stress and bother running out of my body as I close my eyes. As I close my eyes, I hear Harry talking to me “I told you I’d make sure Connor would be ok and you two are going to be together forever and he’s going to be the one who makes you happy” his voice in my eyes makes me smile.

“I’ll always love you, Harry,” I say as he drifts away and I keep finishing washing myself. I go down and flop on my bed, still laying there naked as I just need some time by myself to lay there. My body is on show and I haven’t had a jerk or fuck in a while because I’ve been waiting for Connor to give me my birthday surprise which will still have to wait because who knows when it’ll be fine for us to have sex again.

Eventually, I get dressed and I reach down into my bottom drawer and grab out something that I got when I was in Europe with Harry that I never got to wear and pull out a Blue Jockstrap and put it on, I don’t know why but with Connor awake, I’m in a mood just to be a bit suggestive and a tease to Connor.

I put on a pair of tightish shorts with the jock that shows off and then a loose tank top that looks like a T-Shirt so nobody knows and a denim jacket that I do up. I grab my iPad and put it in my bad and bring a few things to Connor and get to the hospital, looking more like I’m ready for a date than I am just going to the hospital but I just want to make things better for Connor and a tease of how special he means to me.

Hey everyone, I just wanted to say I appreciate the comments so much and seeing people enjoying and getting emotional reading the story as I was writing it; I know that the medical factors may not be realistic so please forgive me for that as medical is not my specialty.