Am I gay?

Later on,Sean drove me to my aunty's house,so I could get my cloth and I told her that I would stay in his house for a few more days. Greg were sitting in the living room with Andrew playing bowling on the wii console. " hey don't forget we gonna have a go away party for u on next Saturday. " He said. " to bad ur not hanging out with us for the rest of your vacation. " " yup I know I would liked to meet more of your friend or your girlfriend. Mabye u can invite her for the party. " he looked at me puzzled. " of course " he replied. While I was inside to get my suit case, Sean were sitting in his car and after 15 min. he honked. It was time to go and I hugged aunty good bye. " is that your "" friend"" out in the car " Greg asked , standing on the window, and the way he almost spelled out -friend- surprised me. I flushed a little bid but tried to hide my face so I turned around and just sad " asshole " and laughed. He laughed too and I flipped him the finger. " see you " I said and closed the door behind me. Do they know I thought. Is it that obvious that I had something with Sean.

The days went by way to fast and all of a sudden it was Thursday. Four more days and I had to go home. On that day Sean wanted to help one of his friends and told me he would be gone only for two, three hours. I offered him to come with him but he said it would be to boring for me.So i played cool despite I was more than disappointed "I'm gonna play or watch a movie" I said and he left. That was 2.30 pm. At 6.30 , after four hours, I thought he will be here any minute. I was hungry and went to the kitchen to make myself a sandwich. Sean's parents called the brothers on Sunday to let them know that they would stay at the cabin for another week. So Sean and I had the house for us because Sven stayed with one of his friends. When I entered the kitchen Sven where sitting at the table and ate.

" hey I thought u r with a friend" I said. " yeah " he said " he had to go back to his Dad. Parents divorced u know" " oh I understand " I answered " Sven , the night in that back door bar.... ah I said some stuff I didn't mean to say. I was only scared I maybe let out to much to drive Sean away. You know "

" forget it " he said". But I asked "What is between you and your brother, you seemed so close in Germany. Is it just u had to leave your friend behind or maybe more than,that a girlfriend? " he looked at me " where is your lo. . I mean Sean ? " he asked. He is at one of his friend to help him move." " Oh yea will see". He said sarcastically

"What? " I wanted to know

" V I'm telling you my brother is not a person you can trust. As soon as u on that plane on Sunday he will forget you. He is that way since ... In the three years we were in German, it was no difference. He had one fiasco after another. You are not his first virgin and you will not be his last". " wow why do you hate your brother so much?" I asked. " I don't hate him I feel sorry for him. He is how he is but I'm not scared of him anymore " what , did I miss something. I wanted to change the subject and told him, that Sean told me he was in a boxer team in Germany. " yes I was for almost 3 years. I started when I was 13."

It was almost nine o clock when we heard Sean coming home. He called my name in the hallway. I looked at Sven. Something seemed to be wrong. I said "I'm in the kitchen". He opened the door and saw Sven and me at the table. He was drunk as a skunk." Oh my brother with my lover " he said " u wanna fuck him,he is not into kids "

" wow I said " Sean cool down we were just talking ". But he continued " he is mine I fucked him" and he came over to the table and grabbed my crotch. " Sean I yelled at him and pushed him away " what the fuck is wrong with you. " I was looking at him but he stared only at his brother. Sven finally stood up and was about to leave the kitchen when Sean swung his fist at him. Sven slept aside like a boxer will do and let out a swing by himself. He hit Sean right in the face. Sean went down. Sven kneed next to his brother. " u motherfucker did it once you will never do it again. "'He left and I was alone with Sean knocked out. Not to know what to think or to do right now I also left and went to Sean's room. I didn't wanted to be with him in his room tonight so I took my cloth and went to another room in the house. My brain was racing to what I just witnessed. They had so much going on between them but what was it. I had no idea. Why was Sven talking so hateful about his brother and why was Sean so jealous? Sven where 16 Sean 19 almost 20 what happens in the past?

My thoughts went back to Sean laying on the floor and I was worried about him so I went back to the kitchen to see if he was ok. He wasn't there anymore on the floor but I heard him in the bathroom. " Sean are you ok " I asked. " yes leave me alone " he answered. Ok if he want it this way I thought and went to the room.

The next morning I was determined to go back to my aunt. I packed everything and was almost out of the door when I heard Sean ". V please don't leave please " I turned around. He was in his boxer shorts ,the left eye where black and bloody. Sven must have a pretty punch I thought.

" Sean what the fuck was that last night? I asked. " I was drunk and when I saw you with my brother I was jealous. I lost control " he started crying " please don't leave me like that,you can not go please. " and he cried even more. I closed the distance between us and took him in my arms. " you have to tell me what's going on. " I said " I will but please don't leave". We went to his room and sean started talking. "Sven and I had a really good brotherly relationship. With 13 he started to go to the training that was when everything changed. He kept a distance. He didn't told me anymore what bothered him. We were so close and from one day to the other ...gone. He became a good boxer and I was terrified by him. What u had witnessed, yesterday wasn't the first time. He hit me before ". " we'll what I saw yesterday was pretty intense but you had no right to talk to him in the way you did last night. And I felt only embarrassed , to assume I had something with your brother. That's ridicules." I don't know if I could believe him or not but he was my first love so .... I took him in my arms and felt him still shaken by sobs. " I'm so sorry for what I did last night. You have to forgive me please. " " we'll I won't forget what happened but you have to apologies to your brother as well. " I said." I will right now if you want to. " wait till he's awake" I told him. He held my head in his hands and kissed me. I was blinded by love that moment to see clearly. His tongue played with mine and his hands were on my crotch rubbing on my jeans. He knew exactly how to make me horny. My penis extended and wanted to leave the prison it was in. Sean fumbled with my zipper and pulled down my jeans and my briefs in one motion. He than turned me around and drilled his hot tongue inside of me. I forgot everything around me and the doubts in my brain vanished. His tongue in my ass was more imported than a stupid feud. I felt him leaved my hole only to stand up and to aim his stick on it. With force he pushed in. Painfully I screamed" Sean are u crazy that hurts". " sorry sorry" he said and pulled it out. I looked at him. " what the fuck " I said and pulled up my briefs. I was so upset. I still had a boner and had some difficulties to bent it into my jeans. Sean looked at me " I'm so sorry I didn't meant to push it in so hard. Believe me I am deeply sorry. I looked in his puppy eyes again and shock my head. " ok I believe you" " can I do that " he said and before I could say anything he had my dick in his throat. His blow jobs where unbelievable. I always came only after a few minutes so also this time. He swallowed every drop. He came close to my face and said " I am sorry for the way I am sometimes. I can be a real asshole ,I know but u have to believe me I didn't wanted to hurt you. And V I love you " I laid my hands on his face and wanted to say I love you too but I couldn't I said it before but right now I couldn't. I just kissed him.

That Friday was very awkward. We had sex but somehow this didn't satisfy me as the love making before. We where talking about what will be when I'm gone. I convinced Sean to by a computer so at least we could stay in contact via camera. We went shopping and after that I installed Skype on the com and made him an account. " when ever u feel to see me you can call me. " I said.

The last night we spend together I didn't wanted sex I only wanted to feel him close to me. He tried one more time but as he saw me silently crying he only hugged me. His boner,was there and I felt so sorry that I couldn't or better wouldn't do anything about it. Sean turns me around and I could feel his hard dick on my ass cheeks now and with that feeling I cried even more. I will miss him, I thought. With that in my mind I fell asleep.

He was down the next morning and I thought that was because I had to leave. " V I can not stand you leaving me please don't be upset but I don't like to say goodbye, so don't expect me at that go away party at your relatives. " he had tears in his eyes. And continued. " V I am so proud that u gave me your virginity. I am and will be your first one. " that sentence made sense to that what Sven told me the other night. " !you are not his first and you will not be his last !". Did Sean said that to anyone else before? " I will give you a last kiss and then I'm outer here because I don't wanna start crying". he said with a voice as he would start crying. He than took my head in his hand , looked me in my eyes and sad" I love you " and kissed me like never before. I broke the kiss and despite my doubts I said back " I love you too and I will never forget my first love". I than kissed him with tears in my eyes. I saw tears rolling down his checks and he broke my kiss, turned around and run out of the room. Sad and upset i wiped my tears out of my eyes and started packing my stuff. Yes I felt in love with a guy. He was my first one.

After packing I went to Sven's room. I needed somebody to drop me of at my aunts house, knocked on the door and waited. I don't know if he even would consider to drive me after Thursday night but it wasn't my fault right. He opened the door and was surprised to se me there with red eyes." What happened, was he abusive again ". I looked at him surprised and said " no why should he. No we just said goodbye to each other and I think it took me hard. Sven I need a ride to my house would you be so nice....." And I swallowed the rest because I felt the knot again in my throat. " of course let me get dressed, I'll be there in 5 min. I just realized he was standing in front of me only in his boxers. " of course" he said and I looked down to avoid eye contact because he would see that I was embarrassed. He was as handsome as his brother even they didn't looked alike. Today I saw him the first time with glasses , rimless glasses, it made him look smart. He had a very small line of mustache over his lips and a well trimmed goatee. His hair was also trimmed down to one quarter inch. Usually he has a cap on his head ether angels or lakers . When I lowered my glance I saw some black hairs around his nipples. And a small hairline run from his belly bottom down to the waist line of his boxer shorts. His body was very well trained. Boxer I thought. And he had hairy legs for a 16 year old boy. His skin seemed a little bid darker as his brother more than dark chocolate and it looked silkier as his brothers. I was tempted to touch it. And looking down I noticed the bulge in his shorts. His future girlfriend or boyfriend will be a lucky girl or boy I thought. And exactly those thought made me flush red and I turned around not to show him what was in my mind. It only took him 5 min. He again where without glasses. " no glasses " I said. " I only has them on when I'm home" he responded. " well,but I think you looks good with it " I said and smiled. he only replied in a short head shake as he would say thanks. He drove a old black Honda accord. The drive to my aunts house were only 10 min and none of us spoke one word the hole time. I was glad about that. When we arrived at the house I only said. " thanks for the rite. Hopefully we gonna see us again " he looked in my eyes and said " I'm sorry you felt in love with the wrong Gold.... " he paused a little while and than finished " guy ".and he looked so sad I thought he's gonna cry now. He gave me a head shake and c u was all he brought out.

I was so ready to get drunk tonight, I didn't wanted to think about all that shit going on right now. Greg and the gang where already there and Greg tried to say" we started already without u I hope you didn't mind. " but he was already to drunk to speak clearly. I grappled the first beer out of the cooler and drained it in one gulp. They bought whiskey, tequila and a few cases of beer. Greg , Andrew , Jesus and Charlie , a big dark guy were there and it was Jesus who asked" where is your friend Sean ? " how come he know his name i thought but I didn't cared in that moment. " he don't wanna see me leave and he has some stuff to do". I said. Soon we where running out of beer and Greg called somebody named Robert and ordered a keg German beer. Half a hour later there was him with a 10 gallon of " warsteiner" beer. It was only 9.30 p and I was already good buzzed. Somebody called for a keg stand. I did and the alcohol went straight to my brain. Jesus suggested to go into the jacuzzi. Well everybody wanted to go and started to undress. They striped down to complete nakedness and all went inside naked. I don't wanted to be a party pooper and was naked in a sec. My fore skin was visible to all of them. " wow what a nice German dick." Jesus said and everybody laughed.

I also steps in the jacuzzi and had to sit right beside Jesus. The heat of the water made me relax and forget all around me. They started to sing and I joint in. Greg went out and I saw his hairy ass right in front of me I yelled " eeeeeeeuuuuuu " and all laughed. Almost one hour and about 5 shots later I was ready to go out and go to bed. I told them " I feel like a sponge I'm gonna go out. " all of a sudden I felt a hand on my crouch , not accidentally. It went right to my dick and gripped It. It was Jesus and he was smiling at me. I just stood up and he had to let go of my dick, if he didn't wanted them to see what he did. I went straight to bed after that.

I turned of my alarm clock at 4.25 am it was scheduled to wake me up 5 min later. I didn't slept at all that last night. My brain couldn't comprehend what happened last week. And why were Jesus grabbing my dick. I still was the straight soccer player from Germany.

My aunt brought me to the airport. On the way she looked at me and asked if I wanna talk about it, " I can see something is bothering you, big time " she said. I thought for a split second to tell her everything but decided against it.

She hugged me goodbye and let me out right in front of the delta gate and I was all alone.My flight was secluded at 10.45 am LA time

I had hoped that maybe Sean would change his mind but he wasn't here and so where Sven or Greg and the guys. I went to the e- check in and in a few minutes I was good to go to the security check. I had to take of my shoes and stuffed everything in one of the basket they provide. When through I took back on my shoes and kneed down to tie them when I looked thru the glass window and saw a lot of families outside waving to relatives inside.

Then I did see Sven's face, he had his glasses on and starred at me. He raised his hand and waved a final good buy and turned around. How long was he here I asked myself. Never less there where called my flight and I had to go to the gate to board the plane. Inside and on my seat I asked the flight attendant for water and took a sleeping pill. Exhausted and with no sleep at all last night I felt asleep shortly we took of and arrived flying attitude. The steward woke me up when the time came for the food. But I declined and dozed of again. After almost 10 hour of sleep they woke me up when we where close to the landing procedure.

It took me almost two hour to get my luggage and I left the airport in Munich. Another three hour to drive my car home. All together almost 16 hour went by since I left LA. I turned on my computers a soon as I reached my apartment. There has been a missed call in Skype almost three hour ago. It was Sean who tried to call me. I called back but he didn't responded. No wonder it was two in the morning he was probably asleep. It was Monday morning 11 am in Germany. I was hungry and needed to go to the store to buy some groceries. When I came home I checked my com again and Sean called again about 5 min ago. I called back and he answered after only two rings. " V " he said " I'm sorry I couldn't say goodbye. " it's ok I thought but didn't spoke it out. " how was the flight. " " i slept almost through the hole flight. " I didn't told him that I saw Sven at the airport but I asked him if he talked to his brother. He said yes and than he told me that he already misses me. " look V I have to go to work now but I promise I will call you again tomorrow night ok". I agreed and he hung up.

Monday went by without him calling. Thursday I started a new class at college. I checked as soon as I came home, nothing. I tried to call him , no answer. It was Friday and when I came home from school I checked again. Nothing , so I rode him. Sean, I miss you please give me a call when u get this.

Two minutes later there where a call coming in from him and in all my excitement I thought I'm gonna surprise him and dropped my pants and my briefs and was standing naked with my growing dick in front of the camera. I accepted the call and there was no Sean , it was Sven. I was shocked that he saw my dick first thing when we connected. " sorry " I said and covert my best friend and sat down. " sorry sorry I expected Sean to answer the call. "He smiled " I know, he is not here. " where is he " I wanted to know. " He is up in Palmdale." Sven said sadly. "We'll live goes on" I said " I saw you at the airport, appreciate that a lot. U had ur glasses on and right now too. "Somebody told me I look handsome with glasses". He said and smiled. " no doubt about it " I replied. " hope I hear from you again" He said. Again with a knot building up in my throat I added " see you Sven". And hung up.

I started my next semester in my new school and everything was the same as before except I was alone, had no girlfriend or boyfriend.

I wanted to go back to my past " straight" live and started dating a few girls at my new school. But every time I lost interest after only having fucked her once.

It was end September when I saw Susan in a super market. " hey Susan how are you " I started.

She was pushing a stroller in front of her. " hey V nice to see you, I'm great thanks. I invited her to a coffee, set down and started talking " You see " and pointed at her baby. " this is Hans and he is two month now". " wow congrats. And beside this are you married now to your 'teacher' ?" I asked. She told me they get married as soon he is divorced. I smiled a little " how is Sean ?" She wanted to know. " I don't know haven't talked to him since I left LA. "I'm in love with him and he was my first one you know but lives goes on. I try to be straight over here but somehow it's not working."

" forget him go on and have fun " she said because I sounded still sad talking about Sean. I told her that I had a few girlfriends but I couldn't go further. That I left them crying after only a week or two. " maybe you try to hard to be straight again. Hear what your heard is telling you. Date a gay guy". " and how exactly I'm supposed to do that. You can not flirt with next good looking u see. It could backfire you know. I don't care if they know I'm gay but...... " " just search the Internet , or go to a gay bar , there's one right here next door." She was right but with going alone in a gay bar seemed to desperate to me.

Suddenly I wanted to go home and try that. I wished Susan good luck with her future husband and deft to drive home.

At home I turned on the computer and saw that I had a missed call from Sean. I felt tempted to call but I decided against it. I have to go on with my live. Past is past right