Am I gay?

Martin opened another bottle and came back to the couch. " tell me about your boss and partner" I asked. " well Philip is a great guy. When I started working for him, he taught me everything what's important in that business. Back then he had a lover here in his apartment, yes this is his house. I learned a lot from him. In the studio I mean. Back then I wasn't sexual involved with him,that came later. I found out that he had kicked out his lover. First I saw him as a father figure. After sucking my brothers dick for quite a while, I thought why not make a move on Phil . I came up here to his rooms and he was about to take a shower so he was naked. I just grabbed his dick and kissed him. First he wanted to resist but he gave up soon. Yup that was when everything started". With a look at his eyes I said " you still love him" and I thought how I still felt about Sean. " part of me does yes" he replied but avoided eye contact. " I moved in his apartment when he signed over the store in my name. He travels a lot and on his trip to Berlin he bought on shop over there. And we have one in Munich. Now he wanna buy that one in Madrid. His dreams are the same as mine " Martin said and his eyes showed a glimpse of pride.

To get him back out of his dreams I asked". Do you mind when I invited Susan to your party, so I have at least one person to talk to?" "Of course do that". And I called Susan " do you wanna come to a birthday party tomorrow ?" I asked. " who's birthday party" she wanted to know. " my new boyfriend " I started and she screamed in the phone. " yeah I knew it, you found a lover again! "

I flushed because I had my cell phone on speaker. Martin raised his glass and gestured a toast. And with that he opened another bottle. We both were already buzzed, so I could forget having his dick in my ass tonight. I gave him a nod with my head. When he was out of sight I asked Susan" do you still remember the cake we brought to our graduation party. " " of course, I made it" she replied. " we'll I need one tomorrow, can you bake me one. " what color do you want ?" she asked " I don't know what she wanted so I asked " what?" " is your boyfriend a white guy or is he black like......." But she swallowed the name. " no Martin is a white dude. " I replied. " I pick you up tomorow at your place... " I started but she cut me off. " no I moved in with...." Now it was my turn to cut her off. " you really moved in with that loser? There is a reason that a teacher and a student never should ...." She interrupted me " ok ill give you the address". I wrote it down but was determined to talk to her about that again. " so cu tomorrow" she's aid and hung up.

Martin came back with the open bottle and filled up out glasses. Both of us where drunk after that and we felt asleep, hugging each other.

The next morning brought a lot of rain. It was pouring down. After breakfast" eggs Benedict " ( Martin could cook ) we took a shower, but to Martins disappointment I only gave him a hand job. Well I helped a little with my tongue. But it was his birthday and I wanted give him more as just a quicky in the shower. I wanted something special for him. I already made plans how everything was supposed to happen. He tried two more times to get me in the mood but I refused. Not even 10 hours later I will regret that decision. We decorated the living room with happy birthday banner. I stocked up the bar and Martin where in the kitchen preparing some snacks for the guests.

At about 3.30 pm I went to pick up Susan. I drove to the address she gave me. I don't wanted to see mr Dressel so I stayed in the car and called her. " I'm not done yet, please come in I need a few more minutes". So I ringed the boor bell. My ex teacher opened the door. " YOU are her gay friend ?" he said with a surprised face. " hello victor how are you ?". He looked at me as I would be an alien. " don't you and Susan had something in school?" Hello mr Dressel " I said flushing red. There were an awkward silence in the room until Susan showed up. She saw that I was very uncomfortable, went straight to the kitchen , to pick up the cake and gave the " teacher" a good bye kiss.

In the car I couldn't hold back any longer. " how could you tell him I'm gay, do you know how embarrassed I was? " she looked at me" you are gay, or are you still not out of the closet. Are you still denying your feelings". Me: " that's nobody's business. And what do you mean not out of the closet?" Susan:" did you tell your friends you are gay?" Me:" I told you" she:" not me, one of your male friend, the soccer team or your half sister, anyone yet?" Me: nope I don't have male friends and I don't play anymore" " Susan looked at me " you have a long way ahead of you,you know that . " she was right I didn't told anyone yet that I had a boyfriend. But......

" ok " she tried to take the tension out of the conversation. " tell me all about your Martin " Glad that she changed the subject I told her" Martin is a great guy, he is a hairdresser and has his own studio". She interrupted me " is it Martin ' le coiffure Martin ', you are kidding right. He is fabulous with hair. I'm a customer of his salon. Oh I can't wait to see him. He is always busy with other costumers. I only had once the pleasure. How is he? " " what do you mean?" I asked. "How is he in bed?" " oh come on Susan really?" After 10 minutes of her asking me out, we arrived our destination. When I opened the door upstairs I saw already a few guests. Thanks to Susan we were late. Martin were talking to two girls and one guy witch I guessed were his staff. They laughed and as soon as they saw me went quiet. Martin came over and let me to the group. In the back was a guy about 7 foot tall. He didn't seems to be a hairdresser. " let me introduce you to....." And then his phone rung. He stepped into the bedroom to take the call. So I introduced myself as an old friend from ancient time. They all laughed. The guy was Andre one of the girls name was Vic and Martins right hand and the others name was Nicole. In the kitchen were a group of three more guys and one women. I was on my way over there when I heard Martin talking pretty loud on the phone. " calm down Phil, we can talk about that when your here. Of course see you later" I opened the door and asked him what's going on. He closed the door behind me and said" Phil found out about us. He is furious. He said I'm a cheating bastard. ". Martin started crying. I took him in my arms and told him to calm down. " you have guests outside remember?" I said to calm him down. He went in the on suite bathroom and 2 minutes later he was back to normal. when We came out of the bedroom there were even more guests. The 7 foot guy talked to the growing group in the kitchen. I wasn't sure but I thought I had seen him before. Susan grabbed my shirt and wanted to know what was going on with Martin. I tried to explain it to her as good as I could.

At about 8.00 pm all of his friend had arrived. It was crowded, even in his big apartment. The catering service was supposed to show up one hour later so i had a time to talk to Susan. The doorbell was ringing and Vic opens the door. There were an older looking guy and a much younger one in the door way. That must be Phil I thought. He was looking at the guests and I guessed he was looking for Martin. He looked around and when he saw me he came directly my way. Phil reminded me of Brad Pitt only older looking. He must have been a good looking guy once. He was as tall as I was and stopped right in front of me. " so you are the one who is fucking my partner " he barked at me. Totally surprised I asked " I beg your pardon" " you are fucking with my partner " he said it again and his hands went inside his jacket. He has a weapon I thought. But he reached inside and withdrew a bunch of photos and tossed them on my chest. They all fell to the flor and some upright so you could see what was on the pics. There were shots of Martin and me in unique scenes. I just looked up from the floor into Phil's eyes. Martin came between us and told Phil to back of. " Phil you are out of line and yes that is my new boyfriend. I saw Phil changing colors from lobster red to ash gray. He raised his hand to his chest and cramped at his heart. Dammit i thought he is having a heart attack. I saw that before when my half sisters husband died 2 years ago. I reached for him to catch him before he hit the floor. I checked his pulls but I couldn't feel any heart beat. " who can perform CPR? " I asked and Vic came from behind " I do,what you want me to do." I already started to stimulate his heard by pushing down his chest with both hands. And I counted 1 2 3 4 5 and I gave her a nod with my head. She knew what to do , opened up his air way and blew some oxygen from her own breath into his lung. And I started counting again. Call an ambulance somebody said and the tall guy said he already did. After a few times I checked his pulls again. Nothing, so we continued. I counted and counted. " where the hell are the paramedics" I cursed. " we are right here move over and let me take over. The second one took over Vic's position. She was crying and white like snow. The paramedics worked a few more minutes on him even used a defibrillator but they both shock there head. He was gone.

Phil suffered a heart attack and was laying on the living room floor. Partially coffered by his body there were the Polaroids showing Martin and me fucking in my bedroom. Who the hell took those photos. Well,there is a balcony around my apartment and its easy to get access to it. But why? And how come Phil has them in the first place? It made no sense to me. I looked at Martin. He sat on the island and had his head in his hands. " are you ok?" I asked when I reached him and gave him a hug. He was as white as Vic was. All of the guests where gone expect Susan and Vic. And that guy who came with Phil. He was young looking and had a suit on, not a cheap one I thought. He was standing still next to Phil. We had to wait for the coroner to pick him up. The paramedics called them before they left. " it only takes a half an hour until they are here " they assured us. Seeing Martin in his misery, I felt sorry for him. I introduced myself to the young man, this time as Martins boyfriend. We shook hands. His name was Walton and he worked for Phil for good a year now. " I'm doing all the accounts and the billings for his studios or better I did" he said with a glance at his former boss. " I worked before him,with one of the investors firm and they decided to have somebody with Phil. When he found out that I could do all the billings he made me do it and I was paid for, by him" Martin came over" I always thought Phil is doing this and that he is good with numbers" Walton started laughing " excuse my language but that son of a bitch only know how to screw a boys ass. I did all the work and he only was interested in the boys of Madrid. Till he finally got caught by the police. He is charged right now with sexually conduct with a minor. The guy was 17 but still under the legal age. With that and two heart attacks already he suffered in Spain he decided to give you,Martin the general power of all the three stores here in Germany and the future studio in Spain. He always said his dreams and you dreams are the same, but now I don't know what will happen" and again he looked at Phil.

The coroner arrived and took the body. Martin started crying " what I'm gonna do " he said " I'm gonna lose everything". " actually" Walton started " you can have everything. He was furious on the way from the airport and told me to shredder the piece of paper. But I still have it here in my briefcase." I was curios and asked " is that be legal ?" " yes of course if Martin signs the paper all is with the law. " I looked at Martin. But he shock his head " I don't know nothing about finances and billings. You Walton you can do it but I am to stupid for that " he said and starting crying again. Susan was listening and cried like Martin , despite she didn't know Phil. But her suggestion mad sense. She said " Walton you worked for Phil right would it be a problem for you to work for Martin?" " no not at all. " he answered with a look at Martin. " come on Martin that is the miracle you where talking of. Made your dream come thru." I assured Martin. " I don't know, let me think about it" he said. " Walton stepped in " we'll there's not much time to think about it. Our flight is scheduled for Monday morning back to Madrid. They wanna close the deal ASAP. Phil even had three location to choose from to open up a studio He always said its important to be close to one of the catwalks for haute couture. I don't know why it's so important but...." Martin cut him off. " it's important,because you are closer to the high society." Martin looked at me " what about you are you coming with me?" " I still going to school to get my degree I still have two more years. I can not stop right now.i love you to much to stay in your way making your dream come thru. And how long can it take to open a studio?" I said. Martin didn't responded. He only looked in my eyes and kissed me. " will you wait for me? He asked. " me: of course. I now regret my decision back then,but past is past, right. Martin addressed Vic now. " can you take over the shop downstairs. Till I'm back?" She nodded still crying. Martin took my hand and kissed me. " I'll be back" he mimicked Arnold Schwarzenegger. We all laughed.

" I have a question Walton. How did he find out about Martin and me?" I asked him. " there has been that guy in Munich at the airport. He had a sign with Phil's name on it. He didn't said on word, he only gave Phil an envelope. In the car he showed me some pics and cursed. That cheating son of a bitch. Well right,especially him had the right to accuse someone else on cheating."Martin asked then." If he was screwing around with all those boys he never hit on you?" " he tried but first of all, I'm into girls and secondly he would have been way to old for my taste." I asked then " how old was he anyway?" Martin then answered me" he was 62 years old when I fell in love with him". I looked at him in disbelieve. Ashamed he said " I didn't have seen the age, I saw a father figure and his dream." With the next sentence he addressed me " V I hope you are ok with that, I never had a chance like this. I love you".

Susan was in the phone ordering a taxi cab to pick her up. And Walton excused himself to find a hotel. So Martin and I was alone after what turned out be a terrible party. We didn't had sex that night because I only wanted to comfort him and to hold him tied. If I had know that was our last night I would have begged him to stay but like I said, past is past. The next day he spend with his son Josh and his ex wife Birgit. The last hours we spend together was as romantics as it could be.i drove to Munich with Martin and Walton. It was the second time to say good bye to somebody I really cared about. Martin took it better then I did. I started crying and he assured me that everything is going to be all right. The flight was pronounced and I hugged Martin. He kissed me and said good by.

U loved him to much to stay in his way, i thought to assure myself. I will regret that for a long time.

On my lonely ride home I cried a little. I don't know how long it will be until I can hold Martin in my arms again, but I was sure it will more than the two weeks Martin said it will be.the first week he called every evening and told me everything goes well in Madrid. The second week he missed one day or two. Two weeks later he only had time to call me on the weekend. I started to realize that I am alone again. Despite he promised to call more often it was less and less. Close to the holidays he called me in the middle of the night " V I am sorry but this job is more than I thought. I have the studio furnished now but we need customers now so it still takes a few more weeks before I can come home. I can not tell you how much I miss Josh and you for sure. And you know Walton, I'm into girls. What ever. I caught him in a gay bar. " " so you going to gay bars." I said. " Martin I love you but I feel lonely over here too, if its a relief for you you have my blessing to date again." He didn't answer and that awkward silence made me feel he already had somebody else but I would have never guessed what was coming next out of the phone" Thanks V I am glad that you think so, Walton and I are a little bid closer than you would thought we are." And stupid me, I only said " I am glad you are honest to me ". I didn't wanted to cry but I had to end the call before I felt the knot in my throat. After that call I promised myself I'll never fall in love with a guy again.