Finding My Perfect Rhythm

I go and sit on the bed and write a note on the table, not for anybody in particular but just how I’m feeling about things towards my mother.

“I blamed you for so many problems in my life, so many decisions I made and as a kid, I loved you more than anything because I knew you were always trying your hardest. Reflecting on these things, I still blame you for my issues because when I needed you weren’t there for me and gave me no support when I needed it. "

I know you resented Ben, I know you resented Richard and Rosie for taking me in but they never thought or tried to push the idea that you were a bad mother, they just simply cared for me and I appreciated that care when you couldn’t deliver it for me. I will never forgive you for telling me that you had better things to be doing when all I needed was you that night, but I want to try and understand”.

I don’t know why I wrote that down but it’s the first time that I’ve really honestly expressed my feelings about my mother to anyone or even to myself about how I genuinely feel if I did see her again which despite wanting to, I don’t know if I would or not do it. Looking at the clock I realise that it’s still not time to get ready yet so I start playing some 2K22 for a little while before getting ready.

During the day Ben texts me a few times just to see how the nerves are which isn’t exactly the most relaxing thing and then we try to finalise the plan about how he will introduce me tonight. In the end, we decide on the fact that he is just going to say that we know each other through when I played gigs at his bar when he worked there and we’ll just go from there.

I head up and have a nice long shower, letting the water flow over my body as I get myself pumped up for the biggest gig of my life so far. I’ve always enjoyed playing at pubs but to get a go at a venue like the Nova where some of the biggest acts in the world have been discovered is absolutely phenomenal. I get out of the shower and put on a pair of purple boxers and then a pair of jeans and a black t-shirt with a denim jacket which I can take off if I need to when I’m performing.

I pack my guitar up and my stuff and load it into the car, I’m feeling this really weird mix of nervousness and excitement about not just the gig but also about Ben introducing me to his workmates for the first time. I go over making sure I’ve got everything before checking in with Ben if he just wants to stay the night in the city after the gig.

He replies yes and I head upstairs onto the computer and book a room at a hotel for us to go to so I grab a change of clothes for the morning and some PJs although I’ll doubt that we’ll wear them tonight. Walking back downstairs I grab my bag and take it out to the car even though it’s only 3 pm and I decide to check into the hotel.

Heading to the hotel, I take a detour again via my old place and have a look to see if there’s anything I can find about my mum and potentially any clues but don’t really find anything so I head straight to the hotel and check-in.

I check in to the hotel and ask if a keycard can be left at the desk for my fiancé so Ben can just come straight to the hotel and get changed if he wants to then head to the club. I sit on the bed for a bit, just playing some music and getting my head into the groove for tonight.

I head back down to the car at about 4:30 and head to the Nova to start working things out, I get there and Cameron is organising things. “Hey Liam, nice and early,” he says a bit surprised that I am there so early. “Yeah, well you said that we would rehearse from about 6 so I like to get in early and you know just to get the feel of things are and listen to some of the others”.

Sitting out the back, waiting for my rehearsal time I head out really nervous, the stage and music part of the venue are separate from the rest of the bar so I don’t know when Ben is getting here and probably won’t know until afterwards. I head out and start rehearsing I still haven’t decided on what order I will sing in but just start singing trying to get the order.

First up I sing through the covers that I want to sing deciding on singing “The King of Wishful Thinking by Go West; Save Tonight by Eagle Eye Cherry and The Story of My Life by One Direction”. 

These are three songs that I love to sing and are my staples and especially the last two hold so much significance to me. It was after school one night and was just sitting out in the park one night, I’d “borrowed” a guitar from school and I was sitting in the park when Mum had a guest over and we’d just had a fight because I don’t know why, it was a day ending in y probably. I was just tapping it away when Ben had come to find me.

I don’t know why he went to the park looking for me that night, whether it was the fact that he could get a sense that I was upset and sitting at the park which I did most nights. I never told Ben but quite often I’d be sitting at the park with either a bottle of vodka, scotch or tequila under the chair trying to forget things. I don’t know whether he knew it or not but he would always just sit and talk to me, the night I remember clearly was that night when I’d borrowed a guitar. I had always enjoyed music and I was playing the guitar just playing random songs and singing. I was singing Save Tonight because it was a song that just resonated with me and I just enjoyed singing.

Ben sat there for a couple of hours with me and just talked to me and listened to me sing and talk and started to encourage me to play music more often. “Why don’t we talk to Mr Nolan and see if we can get you into music at school whether it be in the actual class or at lunch or after school” it was that night where my love of music truly started and it was one Christmas that I was invited to Ben’s place by his Mum. 

I walked in there at about 3 pm after spending the morning with Mum, I remember walking in and two presents were sitting under the Christmas tree for me. One was two tickets to go to the FA Cup final with Ben that his Mum had bought for us. The other was my first guitar that Ben had gone out and bought for me as a surprise with money that he had saved to buy a new laptop but instead spent it on a guitar for me. I still keep the guitar even though I bought a new one and Ben never told me how much he spent on it or would ever let me pay him back.

I start playing through the first few covers and then start playing the 4 originals I want to play, my first song that I play is Under Midnight Stars, this was one of the first songs that I wrote and it was all about those times where I would just spend the nights wishing for better things in life. I finish my set off and just go back and wait until it’s time to go out.

Sitting out the back in the green room is a nerve-wracking experience with the other singers there who are all amazing including Jackson Morgan who made his name on YouTube as a singer and just an all-round vlogger.

I look at the time and see that it’s quickly getting closer to 9 pm and my time to head out on stage, I finish off my glass of coke and take off my jacket so I’m just wearing my black t-shirt and jeans. 

 “Our next performer is a young guy who hails from here around London, his music comes straight from the heart and his talent is boundless, please welcome out Liam” I walk out as the crowd goes up and I look out at the hundreds of people out there which is more than I could have ever imagined as I scan the crowd and immediately pick out Ben standing there.

“So, Liam, tell us a bit about yourself and your music,” Cameron asks as he introduces me out to everyone. “Yeah, well I’m Liam everyone, my music is just a general sense about me and what is special to me,” I say as I look in particular at Ben in the crowd.

“Well take it away Liam,” Cameron says as I start to get ready “So this song means so much to me because it’s the song that helped me really get into music so much via someone who means so much to me” I start singing the first song which I do which is Save Tonight, the song that I love so much.

“My second song tonight is one of my originals, it’s called Under Midnight Stars,” I say between taking a drink of water “Growing up I had a tough relationship with my Mum and I would quite often spend nights in the park sleeping or just sitting where I would either drink too much or just hope for something better”. I play through the song, it’s an original that I’ve never played too much for anyone but once I’m finished the reception it gets is really phenomenal.

I take a minute to compose myself “Music for me has been an outlet for many things, I was never the greatest kid in school so I was always looking for ways to get out of high-stress situations, this song though means a lot to me because I remember dancing to it with Mum because Pretty Woman was her favourite movie” I start to play the King of Wishful Thinking and singing it through which I don’t think I nail that well but the crowd responds again.

I look out there and take a deep breath “I know you probably don’t want story time again, so here’s another original that I wrote it’s called Broken Shadows” getting through that and then another original that is slightly different to the rest of my songs. “This is a bit different to the rest of my performances and songs that I’ve written tonight, it goes by the name of Bloodlines” it’s a more dance sort of number but I play it acoustically.

I quickly realise my time is running out, the performance has been phenomenal as I talk to the audience about things, “My last song for the night is one that also holds plenty of significance to me as well, as I said about the song it was the song that I used for my high school music performance and my best friend and fiancé who is here tonight, listened to me sing this and perform this so many times and for me, I wouldn’t be here today if they weren’t around for me each and every day of my life”.

Singing Story of My Life, I put my heart and soul into it and even though I know the audience is probably thinking why on earth would he sing One Direction for but at the end of the day, it’s a song that I feel so connected to. The end of the performance comes up and I’m somewhat happy with my performance there tonight, not thinking it was as good as I was hoping for as Cameron comes up on stage.

“So, what did everybody think of Liam?” he says pumping the crowd up as they go off about my performance, I quickly head out the back to take a drink and have a talk.