Finding My Perfect Rhythm

I grab my keys and head downstairs “I’m just going for a drive” I say heading out the door to Richard as I get in my car and head down the road trying to find somewhere to think for a few minutes. I drive for about 20 minutes and park the car down by the river and get out and just wander along the path trying to think about things.

I’m so in love with Ben and all I want to do is be married to him but we aren’t in any rush to set a date yet which is fine by me but at the same time, the wait kills me because I always worry that something could happen between now and then that makes it all go away.

Sitting down on the bench, I just sit there thinking about life and how I’m happy with how things are but I also realise that I don’t know what things are actually going to be like if I bring my mother back into my life and what her situation is and who she owes things too. I would love to tell her that I’m engaged to Ben but I don’t know how she would take it and if she was in a bad situation like owing money to people then would she be coming around to get me to help, or bringing trouble to Ben’s door.

I sit down for a while, my head in my hands trying to think about this dilemma as Ben tries to ring me and message me a few times which I ignore because right now all I’m trying to do is just have some time for me. Sitting there thinking for a while, I actually manage to put some words into my phone getting some really good lyrics down for the song for the audition.

Eventually, I ring Ben “Where the hell are you?” he almost shouts down the line “I’m down by the river, I just needed some time to think about things that’s all B, so there’s no need to be so worried, I told your Dad I was just going for a drive,” I say down the line trying to calm the situation. “That was at 8:00… it’s now nearly midnight Liam” I say looking at my watch and not even realising how long I’d just been sitting there.

“I didn’t realise, I’d just been sitting here looking out at the river watching the boats go down trying to think about everything you’ve said, everything Josh said and then everything that I’ve thought about Mum,” I say, my tone of voice really stressed out about the situation which Ben gets straight away.

“Just come home, we can play some more PS4 and just chill in bed and forget about everything until tomorrow or whenever,” he says defusing the situation in the way that he knows how by trying to keep my mind occupied somewhere else. I drive home and get back in just after midnight as Liam is sitting downstairs waiting for me.

“Hey, you, ok?” he says sitting there as he gives me a cup of Hot Chocolate with marshmallows in it, just like we give each other when things aren’t so good late at night. “Yeah, I’m alright I was just feeling weird about everything you know, I shouldn’t have been so late and should’ve just kept my eye on the time”. Ben smiles and puts his arm around me “I should’ve trusted you a lot more than I did, I was too focussed on the negatives”.

I look at him “You couldn’t be more trusting of me, ever since we were 15 or 16, you, in particular, were the only person who ever trusted me and stuck by me when I got into trouble and well you covered for me that night remember?” I say as he laughs a bit. “Yeah, because you were my best friend, my brother and now you’re so much more than that,” he says smiling as I look at his cute smile.

“Honestly, everything you said is what I have been fearing for so long, I don’t know what kind of circumstances she could be in and what troubles she’s gotten into in the last 6 or 7 years since we last spoke and I honestly don’t know whether she is still alive or not,” I say as I put my head on his shoulder and we just cuddle tightly together as I just feel the warmth of Ben and his caring soul as we just sit on the couch.

Sitting there for a while just cuddled up to him, I can’t help but let the emotion out as I lean into his shoulder and cry for a moment just thinking about everything. Whilst I know that I am not at a breaking point, I just feel like everything is just weighing on my shoulders for some reason which is unusual because things have been good between Ben and me for so long and the whole situation is calmed down.

We sit there for a while before heading up to bed, it’s about 1:30 before we get into bed and I know Ben is exhausted but him sitting there with me is just what I needed because when he was at Uni it was good because he wouldn’t be out all day and I could spend time with him when he got home.

I don’t think that I was dependent on having him around but it made life easier not being home alone so often now that Ben and Richard are out all day, I find myself sitting around trying to kill time when I’m not working at the Music shop when things are open. I lay there and fall asleep after a while and just lay there until waking up.

Not hearing Ben’s alarm go off, I wake up and find that it’s already daylight, I grab my phone and see it says 8:47, realising that it’s well after the time that Ben leaves for work. I head out to the hall and use the bathroom and after using the toilet, I walk downstairs and see Ben sitting on the couch on his laptop working.  “What’s up? Why aren’t you at work?” I say startling him as he is coming up with some presentation for the new clients he’s working for.  

Ben turns around and looks at me after I startled him “Well after last night, I didn’t really want to leave you here by yourself and I don’t have anything that I really need to do at the office and they are all about flexibility so I thought that I could spend my day making sure you’re ok” his smile always makes me feel better.

“Thanks, babe, but I’m an adult I’ll be fine,” I say walking over and giving him a quick hug before heading to get some breakfast “I’ve gotta head out later to the Nova and give them my song details if you wanna come along if works not too busy for you,” I ask as Ben smiles at me and nods “Yeah, I do have to have Zoom meeting at 1:30 but we can go for a late lunch if you like”.

I smile, Ben always knows how to get me smiling and already I’ve forgotten all my stresses of last night and he’s got me excited to spend the day with him. So that I don’t disturb him I put down the lyrics I wrote last night and honestly, I think that I’ve got the essence of the song that I want to use on the audition. 

Spending the afternoon deciding on the final list of songs, I decide to put 10 songs down, I won’t play them all but I want to cover the list just depending on the mood of things, I put a 50/50 split of originals with covers although I want to sing all the originals that I’ve written. Sitting there I jot down the five covers that I want to put on the list; Anyone For You (George Ezra), King of Wishful Thinking (Go West), Save Tonight (Eagle-Eye Cherry), Life (Des’ree) and Story Of My Life (One Direction).

The last one, in particular, is important for me because it’s the song that I used for my final High School music performance so it holds a lot of significance for me because it was what helped me graduate to get that performance done and got me the confidence to focus on music.

I finish the list off with my original songs and put it all down and bring it downstairs “Did you decide on what the song list is?” Ben asks me as I hide it from him. “It’s a surprise, can’t let you have every bit of inside knowledge before I do it,” I say smiling at him as I put it down on the table hidden from Ben as I go up and have a shower.

Putting on a white t-shirt and checked over button shirt open over it, I head to get ready to head out as Ben heads upstairs for his Zoom meeting. His meeting takes about 45 minutes and he comes out “Sorry about that, thought it was going to be quicker. I don’t really care about how long he takes and he changes his clothes and we jump in the car and head towards the club.

Getting to the club, I feel nervous about it even though I’m not performing for another couple of days. During the day, the Nova is just like any other bar catering to the regular weekday crowds which are usually old people on a shopping day or on bus tours. Ben and I get a few looks as we head in and I head to the bar “Hey, I’m looking for Cameron if he’s around, just need to drop off a song list to him for Friday” I say Ben goes and finds a seat and looks over the menu.

The girl behind the bar gets on the phone and a few minutes later Cameron comes down the stairs “Liam? Good to see you dude, that the song list?” he asks as I gesture for him to come to sit down with Ben and me.

“Cameron this is my fiancé Ben, Ben this is Cameron manager of the club” I introduce the two of them as Cameron sits down at the table. “So just to talk through the details, we start at around 8 pm, we put you on at 9:15 to 9:45 but honestly if you go over it’s no big deal, our MC will introduce you to the crowd and then it’s up to you what you do,” he says as I smile about what is going to happen excited for it.

“We get a big crowd in and there’s usually a few music producers and execs in the house too so you never know what can happen,” Cameron says as he excuses himself back into the office. I sit there with Ben excited “Hey, that sounds really exciting and you look genuinely excited for it, first proper smile for a few days” he says as we look at the menu for the food. I nod my head “Yeah this is really happening, like I mean all the other gigs are great, especially at what you got me at the pub, but this is something else”.

Ben nods “Yeah, this is really the stepping stone to the big-time babe and I am looking forward to it” as we order and sit there enjoying a drink “So how do you want to play it on Friday night? Do you want me to tell them that you’re my fiancé or should we act as strangers or what?” he asks as I know I’ve created a bit of a monster playing games and tricks like this.

“Well, we’re not able to catch up beforehand, so why don’t you tell them that you know one of the performers when you look at the performer list on the weekend and then you can introduce me however you want,” I say trying to come up with the best situation so that Ben can adjust to how he thinks that they will take the news.

We sit there having a good afternoon just talking like we used to when Ben was at uni before we head back home so that Ben can make sure that he can send off some emails that he won’t have to deal with today. Sitting back at home there’s a real sense of joy and excitement in the house, Dad won’t be home until late because he is going straight from work to his church support group on a Thursday night.