Finding My Perfect Rhythm

I didn’t particularly want to go out tonight but Dad was so keen on the idea of having some time with me I couldn’t say no to him because it has been so long since we did something together for just the two of us and thinking back it would be almost 12 months if not longer because it was before Liam moved in and the dramas with him.

I head upstairs and have a shower before getting ready, I head back downstairs and see Liam laying on the couch watching TV “You look comfortable there” I say with an attitude that shows that I am not really happy about going out. “I am thanks and hey, you haven’t been out with your Dad for anything since I’ve moved in and I doubt that you did much like this when all the issues were up in the air, so go out and enjoy it”.

Liam looks across at me as I sit on his legs “I was going to say that I didn’t want to go out, but I’m glad that I am because it’s good to see Dad getting excited about going out and spending time with me because as you said, it’s been so long”.

Dad comes downstairs “Anywhere you want to go in particular Ben?” he asks as I don’t really know where we should go for dinner “Not really, maybe we could go to Angelo’s to make it a special thing, I know it was where Mum and you always went but maybe we could make it our thing as well to remember Mum because I know she would love that”.

Liam nods and Dad agrees even though I know that it was where he and Mum would always go regularly and he hasn’t been back since she passed away over 18 months ago now. We head out as Dad drives to the restaurant “Liam showed me the text you sent him, it meant so much to him to know he has your support”. 

Dad looks across at me “Of course, he had my support, he’s one of my boys and I’ve always cared about him even if he wasn’t the greatest of friends to you and I didn’t trust him” he says quite sternly “I know there was a long time that I didn’t trust him because of what he did and I won’t ever forget that and the hurt that he nearly put you through, but it never meant that I didn’t care about him because he made you happy, he made your Mum happy”.

The emotion in his voice talking about Liam and calling him one of his boys which means a lot because he counts Liam as part of the family which I knew he always did as an appearance to me but I never realised that he thought of him as family. We get to the restaurant and Dad parks the car down the road and we walk up the street as I see him getting emotional.

“You alright Dad? We can go to any of these places if you want?” I ask as he shakes his head “Of course not, you keep telling me that I need to do what I used to do before your Mum passed away and I know she wouldn’t want me to stop going to Angelo’s because we’ve been going here for so long and known Angelo and his family for so long”.

I look across at him “Wait Angelo is a person? And you know his family?” I ask because I always thought Angelo’s was just a name for the restaurant not an actual person. “Yeah, well Angelo senior who owned the restaurant died about 20 years ago, it’s been in the family with his son Angelo junior who I went to school with and you know Monica from Dr Olsen’s” I learn so many details as we head into the restaurant.

“Table for 2?” the waitress says as she takes us to the table, the restaurant still has that old fashioned charm about it. It’s never had a major renovation in its 40-year existence but it doesn’t look dated at the same time. We sit down at the table as Michael one of Angelo’s sons comes out of the kitchen “Richard, it’s been a long time it was sad news to hear about Rosie and who is this young man that you’ve brought with you, it cannot be Ben surely”.

Dad sits there and nods “It’s good to see you Michael and yes this is Ben, grown-up way too fast days,” he says as Michael laughs. “I know what you mean, my Joseph is getting married next month and Sophie had twins last week,” he says having a good chat with Dad.

“I know what you mean, Ben’s engaged to his partner as well although they haven’t set a date yet for a wedding,” Dad says as Michael excuses himself to deal with an issue in the kitchen. “Do you know the whole family or something?” we sit there as Dad looks at the menu umming and ahhing about what he should have and whether or not he wants to try something different.

“Just have whatever you want, there is no need to have anything different to what you usually have or at the same time you don’t need to have the same thing, you can do what you want tonight,” I say as Dad looks through the menu.

Eventually, we order a shared Garlic Pizza to start with whilst he goes for a Seafood Risotto and I go for Angelo’s Signature Chicken Schnitzel with Boscaiola sauce and spaghetti. Dad orders a glass of wine and I just have some Pepsi as we sit there. “So all this record deal stuff with Liam, do you think it’s legit and doesn’t seem too good to be true?” Dad asks rather suddenly as we share the Pizza.

“What makes you think that it isn’t legit?” I ask him why there is a change in tune from what he said in the car on the way here which confuses me. “Nothing, but I just don’t want him putting all his eggs in one basket and this not turning out to be what he expected you know” Dad explaining himself makes more sense and I get where he is coming from because I know that he has a point about things.

“I think everything seems legit about it because I was the one who helped him organise it all and Andy Alexander has a pretty good history in the industry so I think this will be good for him, I’m going to make sure that everything gets looked over by a lawyer and works for Liam because I don’t want him getting ripped off,” I say as Dad nods impressed by the fact that I have everything under control in the situation. 

“Well, that’s good, I just got worried that things were a bit too good to be true going straight from having to audition to wanting to sign a contract you know” I nod as Dad talks and understand where he is coming from. “Yeah, I know what you mean, but we’ve had a fair bit of contact with the company before the audition and seems all good, but we’ll proceed with caution on everything else”.

Sitting there eating, it’s nice to spend time with Dad as he talks about everything going on at work and then I tell him about my work and everything happening with the projects that I’m working on. After finishing our meal, we sit there letting the meal talking about things in general and whether we want to have any dessert or not but also not rushing to end the nice night that Dad and I are having.

In the end, we decide to take dessert home and I order a Nutella Pizza for Liam and me to share whilst Dad grabs a slice of Tiramisu. We put the food in the car and decide to take a walk for a bit longer because I can sense Dad has something else he wants to say but looks a bit tentative to say it.

“I feel like there is something else that you want to say Dad but you haven’t really had the nerve to say it tonight and I mean I don’t mind what you have to say, we can talk about it,” I say to Dad who looks at me as if it’s this great surprise that he wants to say something. We wander down to the Memorial Garden that sits at the end of the main street and we sit down on the bench “What’s the matter Dad? If it’s something about Liam you can say it”.

Dad looks at me “It’s not about Liam directly but it is about the two of you” he says as he looks up at the sky which worries me a bit. “Whatever you want to say, Dad, you can just say it because it won’t be that bad”. 

Letting out a sigh Dad looks at me “Don’t think that I am trying to push you two out or anything, but have you two thought about getting your own place or anything like that” he says as I let out a bit of a sigh of relief because I thought it was going to be something major like he thought Liam was doing something or he wasn’t approving”.

“Liam has talked about it and we have had discussions but there aren’t any real firm plans about anything like that yet, I just don’t know if it is the right time or not and there are so many memories with the house and everything,” I say as Dad nods along. “Yeah, that’s understandable but I was just thinking wouldn’t you and Liam like a place of your own that is just yours where you don’t need to worry about me all the time”.

Listening to Dad talk about Liam and me getting our own place is like the conversation that I had with Liam and both of them raise good points about it but I just don’t feel comfortable moving out yet because there are so many memories and important factors about the house and I don’t want to leave Dad alone. We sit there for a minute with neither of us saying anything before we head back home.

On the drive home, I feel like there is something extra that Dad would want to talk about the whole moving thing but he resists adding anything else to the conversation and I get the sense that maybe it’s more about him than about Liam and me.

(Back to Liam)

Sitting on the couch as Ben and Richard head out to dinner as I keep on watching TV, the two of them need to have this time together and I think it will be good for them because the whole time I’ve been living here, Ben and Richard haven’t been able to spend too much time together because either I’ve been around or they’ve had their own things going on.

I head upstairs and grab my laptop before coming back downstairs and in between playing Football Manager and the Sims 4, I get into Facebook which I haven’t done for a long time and I’d even told Ben that I had got rid of it even though I hadn’t because I thought one day it might come in handy. Logging in, seeing “friends” that I really couldn’t give two shits about shows me why I gave up this, especially with some of the messages with people that could only get me into trouble.

Scrolling through, I try to look through my friends list at anybody who could maybe be a help to me in trying to find Mum, there are a few names there that could but almost everybody on the list brings trouble. In the end, I don’t bother messaging anyone because I’m not interested in a great conversation about life, I just want to know where Mum is.

I go back to playing the games for a while just watching TV on my own, hoping that Ben and Richard are having a good time at dinner. I wander out to the kitchen and just grab an Egg and cook myself an Omelette which is one of my better efforts and I go back and play for a little while before Ben and Richard get home.

I’m still laying on the couch watching TV when Ben gets in “Can see somebody hasn’t moved all night” he says as they come back through the door at just after 9:30. “Umm, clearly I have moved because I got my laptop and had something for dinner and to drink,” I say as Ben rolls his eyes and puts the Nutella pizza on the table.

“Is that what I think it is?” my eyes light up as he opens the box and I get excited and dive straight in and grab a piece as he glares at me. “What am I not supposed to have a piece or something?” I ask as Ben laughs “Oh you could’ve said thank you or asked whether that was for you?” he says as I punch him.

“Well, if it wasn’t for me then why would you put it in front of me with the box open?” I retort as Richard heads into the kitchen and puts the kettle on laughing at us. “So did you have a good night?” I ask as Ben sits on my lap and takes a bit of Pizza.

“It was really nice you know; I think it was good for Dad to get out with me just one on one and especially to do something that he would use to do with Mum,” Ben says as he cuddles into me as Richard comes and sits down with his cup of Green Tea. “Glad you suggested that tonight, Liam, I had a great time,” Richard says as he grabs a book out of the bookshelf and sits down to read through it.

“Glad you had a great time tonight, you two need to do it more often and spend some more time together where I’m not a third wheel hanging on,” I say as we sit there for a bit as Richard smiles as he eats his Tiramisu and reads his book. I grab my piece of pizza and head to grab a bottle of water as Ben talks to his dad again.

I grab my laptop and head upstairs leaving the two of them to talk for a bit longer. I put my laptop on the bed and head back downstairs forgetting that I still have Facebook up on the screen as I walk out. A few minutes Ben walks in so that he can change and looks at the laptop “What is this that you’ve got up?” he says as I walk back into the room. “It’s just my old Facebook page, I was just having a look at things to see if there was anybody worth messaging to see if I could find my Mum but it isn’t really anybody there,” I say as Ben nods even though I think he is being overly suspicious about something that really doesn’t mean anything.

“I haven’t been on it in years Ben, there is nothing nefarious going on you know,” I say almost pleading to him like he doesn’t believe me which probably doesn’t help the situation. “I know there isn’t Liam so it’s fine, I mean you told me you got rid of it and you’re still friends with guys like Chris on there,” he says which is true but as I had been saying, I haven’t been on there in years.

Sitting there on the bed I have a moment of doubt about whether Ben is trusting me or not and I stupidly open my big mouth “Are you saying that you don’t trust me again? Or you’ve not trusted me all this time?” I say as Ben looks angry at me.

“Of course, I trust you and I have always trusted you Liam, but fuck when you get so defensive about everything, I always have little bits of doubt,” he says as I realise that I overstep the boundaries here. “Alright sorry, but part of me always makes me feel like I just need to defend myself to everybody you know” Ben doesn’t fully roll his eyes but I notice him anyway but I don’t bother saying anything so that I can de-escalate the situation.

“Look, just forget it,” I say, “I’m sorry for getting defensive about it, I’m just so sensitive about hurting you or you getting hurt that I’m just falling into the habit of thinking that you don’t trust me and probably this whole situation isn’t helping”. 

I hug Ben as he looks at the laptop over my shoulder and points out that I got a message.

“Hey, you’ve got a message there from someone called Sophie?” he says as I turn around and look surprised about things. “Who is Sophie?” he says as I have a look at the message and read it through.

“Hi Liam, it’s Aunt Sophie I hope you see this message, it’s been way too long and hope you and your Mum are doing ok after all this time,” it says as I read it and Ben looks over my shoulder. “It’s my Mum’s sister, she and Mum hadn’t spoken in 10 years or so at least because Mum and her had a falling out and I never got to talk to her because they had a fight and something so I just never bothered to talk to her”.

Ben looks at me “Are you going to reply to the message? Obviously with her having messaged you means that she still cares about you and seeing you online she wants to talk to you” he says as I have a look at the message.

“Well, I don’t know, she and Mum hadn’t spoken for about 10 years before I left so it’s been so long and I don’t know what I’m going to say because Mum and her had a massive falling out so I don’t know whether I can talk to her about things,” I say to Ben who looks at me as I sit there wanting to reply but not having much else to say.

He lets out a sigh “Why?” he says just bluntly as I look at him confused “What do you mean why?” not sure what he means. “Why did they have the falling out? I mean she would have the reasons why they fell out in the first place and it might be good to know what she knows about your Mum because without being rude, your Mum wouldn’t have told you a full story which isn’t anything new right?”.

Ben is right about the falling out between my Mum and my aunt, that I probably don’t know every part of the story and only got Mum’s side of the story which was to my detriment and a lot of the reason why I had no contact with the rest of my family going up. I look across at Ben “What should I say about things? I mean I don’t know what I can say and I don’t really want this great family reunion because I’m happy with how things are” I say because although I am opening myself up to finding my mother, I don’t want to open up way too many things from the past.

“Just message her and tell her the truth that you’re happy to talk to her but you don’t want any great family reunion but tell her you’ll happily meet her somewhere and I’ll be there with you,” he says as I start to type the message back although delete what I write so many times.

Eventually, I type out a message before getting Ben to proofread it and see if it’s ok. “Hey Aunt Sophie, it’s really good to hear from you and would really love to catch up but I would prefer that we don’t have a big family reunion or anything, just a chat so I can fill you in on details”. 

Ben proofreads the message and says it looks good so I send it off to Aunt Sophie, this is a big step and part of me doesn’t want to do it but the other part of me thinks that this is a good step to rebuilding the bridges that were burnt not just between me and the family but Mum and the rest of the family. Sitting there I get a message back from Aunt Sophie which makes me happy to see that she is willing to respond.

“Absolutely fine Liam, when would be a good time for you to meet up or chat over the phone” she replies as I think about what to say about whether we should talk on the phone or actually meet up in person. I sit there and don’t reply for a little bit before she says “Sorry if I pushed you too far Liam” to which I quickly reply “Don’t be sorry Aunt Sophie, if we meet up it might be a lot better than talking over the phone”.

“That’s 100% fair and we can meet somewhere neutral so that it’s not at either my place or your place, we can meet somewhere in the middle,” she says which is basically what Ben suggested before her message. “Should we invite her to the Café near your work or should we go somewhere entirely different?” I ask Ben as he suggests that we find where she is living and go from there.

Messaging back to Aunt Sophie is weirdly nerve-wracking as she tells me that she lives about 200 miles away which is far enough away that she probably doesn’t have any contact with anybody in the previous life. I sit there for a few minutes as I think about what to say or where to meet up with her.

In the end, I suggest somewhere neutral and she asks for something as soon as possible which I end up agreeing to meet her on Wednesday but make the condition that Ben is there as well which she agrees to. Sitting back on the bed, I confirm my phone number with her and I lay down letting out a massive sigh.

“Is this really a good idea?” I ask Ben who just shrugs his shoulders unhelpfully before coming up with advice “It’s what you need to do, she reached out to you and she’s willing to meet on your terms and it would be nice to get some information on your Mum” he says which I nod and agree with.

Ben and I just end up curling up in bed for the rest of the night as I fall asleep pretty early by Saturday night standards as he keeps watching the movie that he started. Sunday is a pretty relaxed day, Ben spends it just doing some extra work stuff and playing games whilst I just potter around the house, doing stuff in the garden and picking apples off the tree trying to think of something to do with them.

That night we sit down and have a special Sunday dinner that Richard cooked just as something special for the three of us to have before the week starts and it’s a relatively new tradition since Ben always worked on a Sunday night. Sitting there eating the Roast he cooked we talk about the week that we had and what we’ve got coming up.

“So, what does everybody have on this week?” Richard asks as I sit there looking at Ben not sure whether to talk about seeing family again for the first time in so long. “I’ve got my meeting with the producer tomorrow morning at 11 which will be exciting and then I’m back at the Store on Wednesday afternoon and Thursday night but otherwise pretty quiet” I don’t bother to mention about meeting with my aunt though Ben mentions it for me.

“What about your other thing on Tuesday that we’re doing?” he says looking at me and nudging me under the table to come clean with Richard because the whole point about Ben supporting me on this is actually being honest about everything. “Well, last night on Facebook I got a message from my aunt who I haven’t seen in at least 10 or so years because she and Mum had a big falling out before I had my falling out with Mum so we agreed to meet on neutral territory and Ben is coming with me”.

Richard looks a touch concerned but before he can get any words out I talk “Sophie is somebody that I think I can trust and we agreed to meet somewhere in between where we live, I’ve seen that she has tried to reach out to me and Mum so many times and I think this is a good medium because Mum treated her really badly”. Ben looks across at Richard and nods “Liam wasn’t going to respond but I talked him into it because with all the changes in our lives he’s wanted to try and find where his Mum is because it always hurts him that he never got to say goodbye to Mum so he doesn’t want to ever lose that”.

Ben puts his arm around me as I get emotional as he talks about how I never got to say goodbye to Rosie in person and Richard nods, realising how much it meant to me that I never got to. “Well just as long as you don’t go around stirring up trouble, ok?” he says as he looks across at me and pats my hand. “Where are you meeting her?” he asks as I realise that we haven’t come up with a specific spot as yet.

“Honestly, I don’t really know because we just agreed to meet somewhere halfway because she lives up near Manchester so it’s not really anywhere close,” I say as I keep eating the food. “I just put it to her that I don’t want a great big family reunion but I’m happy to talk to her and see where things go and see if she has any idea where Mum could be even though I gather from her messages that she hasn’t spoken to Mum since the falling out”.

We sit there and finish dinner as I head to the oven to try to see if my Apple and Cinnamon muffins that I baked with the apples are cooked and actually taste good. I don’t know if they are any good but as I taste one, I feel like there was some divine intervention from Rosie to get them that good even though I followed her recipe.

After dinner, I help Richard clean up as he talks to me about my family “So what do you know about the rest of your family these days?” he asks as I help him put everything away. “Honestly, not a lot you know, Mum never got along with any of the family and I only ever heard through her how evil everybody was and how badly she was treated, I guess that I never really knew the truth about everything and only ever got one side of the story,” I say feeling weird about opening up honestly to Richard about things.

“That’s how family can be, unfortunately, but I think it’s important to hear from what your aunt and see what she says about your family because getting a totally different perspective could be what you need and might open your eyes a bit,” he says as I nod and take in his advice which is right.

He stands and looks at me for a minute “Though are you sure about everything because I know Ben has probably said this to you but you get yourself emotionally involved and get hurt when things don’t go right” which is the exact same thing that Ben has said and even Josh said to me before which is very accurate.

“He has said the same thing and so did Josh when we talked about it you know, but I’m pretty open to it and I’m going into with the expectations that nothing is going to happen anyway, so there can’t be much that will get me down if that’s the case” Richard nods as he doesn’t think my attitude is the greatest which I don’t agree with but he is probably right.

“Just don’t get yourself into any messes alright Liam? If anybody can find trouble out of a situation it’s you so stay calm and I’m not blaming you for that, you’re just like a magnet” he says as he puts his arm around me trying to make sure that I know he isn’t blaming me for all the troubles. I give him a hug and head upstairs and take a shower, Ben is just getting out when I head in there “You were down there with Dad for a while, everything ok?”.

I nod as I strip my clothes off “Yeah they were good, he was giving me some good advice which admittedly wasn’t much different from you or Josh but it was nice coming from an adult’s perspective” I say as I get into the shower and Ben looks at me. “Adult’s perspective? You saying that I’m not an adult?” he says standing in just the towel with his arms folded.

“Trust me I know you’re an adult, but you know what I mean,” I say as he laughs “Of course, I knew what you meant, from a parent’s perspective right?” as I nod and stand there talking to Ben. “So what about tomorrow, how are you feeling about that?”

I let the water run down my body as I keep talking to Ben “Feeling pretty good about it, though I don’t know what really happens in a meeting like this you know, I mean I was getting already to audition but now this the next step that I’m taking to making an actual album well at least single”.

Ben stands there during the whole time that I shower talking to me “You know that you don’t need to do anything or sign anything straight away, see what they want to offer you and what the agreement is and then take some time considering it” he says as I finish in the shower and get out.