Finding My Perfect Rhythm

(Apologies for the lack of chapters, just took an easter break last week, hope everybody who celebrates had a good one; As always love the feedback and thoughts in the comments section)

Getting off the phone, Ben feels much happier than he did this morning and I can understand his nervousness, he just started a new job and he doesn’t want to give people the wrong impression but he’s always told me to be myself and I do that. I know that I’m not perfect and can never say that I will be or have been in the future. I’ve been on the wrong side of the law, I’ve been to rehab on multiple occasions but I’ve never shied away from it and Ben has been with me the whole journey so what more could I ever ask for.

Listening to him talk makes me realise how much I love him, he could’ve put me off to spend time with his new work friends and get to know them but his wanting to come to see me sing is amazing given how much time he spends listening. This whole situation is absolutely perfect for him because he gets the best of both worlds.

After all, he could get to see me perform whilst spending time outside the office with his work friends. I sit there thinking about what the plan of action should be, should he tell them that his fiancé is performing, or should it be more down the lines of the fact that he knows me. I keep thinking about it and try to not make it so awkward after how I was trying to send 1 balloon to him on his first day and somehow ordered 100 that created a nuisance for his office.

It was Ben’s first day and I thought it would be a bit of fun to send him a present for his first day, so I ordered him what I thought was 1 balloon attached to a box where I put in a cupcake that I baked which was its own disaster but that’s a different story. I ordered online what I thought was one balloon which actually turned out to be a batch of 100 which I didn’t realise at the time, so when it came time, his office became overrun with balloons which didn’t go down too well with his bosses.

Sitting there I work on some more of my song, there is just so much riding on this audition but I just can’t get words flowing on it, everything seems to be so laboured in trying to get it right so I’m trying to work the music to it but even that doesn’t seem right. I want to sing a song that isn’t necessarily a love song but at the same time, I want to create something about Ben and me and what it means to us.

I get up and walk around the house, trying to come up with something before next week and I go for a walk out the back, trying to get some inspiration which slowly flows as I think about how significant the Apple Tree is and realise that I could actually use that. I head back inside and quickly write down a heap of lyrics and sing them through which really seem to flow nicely.

As I’m writing, my phone rings and although I’m still hesitant to pick up numbers I don’t recognise, I answer it “This is Liam” I answer. “Hi Liam, it’s Cameron Young from the Nova just giving you a call about your gig on Friday night. “Hey Cameron, is everything ok?” I ask worried that something is wrong with it and it’s going to be postponed or something”.

“Yeah dude, I just wanted to make sure everything is all good on your end, we’ve got you on from 9:15 to 9:45 if that’s alright for you, we just need you to come in at one point and drop off your setlist before Friday if that’s good for you?” he asks which is a good time because it’s right in the middle of the acts.

“That’s totally fine, I haven’t fully decided on what my list will be so once I do that I’ll send that through to you as soon as you got them? It’s a 6-song minimum right?” I ask just making sure that I’m not sending through too many or too little and getting the details right “What about covers?” I ask.

“Ideally, we prefer if the majority of songs are original but it’s usually about a 50-50 split minimum about what songs you want to sing so whatever is easiest for you dude.” I finish up talking to Cameron and start to think about the songs that I want to play on Friday night for what is probably my biggest gig yet and I start to get nervous about it, what if I fuck up and embarrass myself on stage or be an embarrassment for Ben.

I get my mind off things and start to organise something for dinner, with both Ben and Richard home late, I always like to be prepared seeing as I’m the only one who gets to be home all day supposedly not working.

Finishing up cooking dinner as Ben walks through the door “Holy shit, Jamie Oliver is here cooking in our kitchen” he shouts joking with me because even though I can cook, I have more than a few mishaps from time to time in the kitchen. “Shut up, you know that I’m a better cook than that fraud,” I say as I kiss Ben who takes off his Jacket.

“So, what did you cook for us?” he asks as I finish cooking a Thai Chilli Stir-Fry with my attempt at spring rolls which look pretty sad but I think it’s a good effort nonetheless. “It’s what you always want to have but never get to because your Dad doesn’t eat spicy, so I managed to make two for when he gets home”.

Cooking was something that I had to learn for myself because I never really got cooked dinner, it was often sort it out for yourself at home and then when I moved into my apartment, living alone off takeaway and frozen meals was ghastly. I dish up our dinner as Richard walks through the door “Hey boys, I’m home” he calls out as he puts his bag onto a chair and then comes into the Kitchen “Oh wow that smells good”.

I dish up the specially made non-spicy version for him, “I made you your own special version that’s not spicy and with Broccoli” I smile as he takes a piece “You are a good kid Liam”. Richard’s words make me feel good as I sit down with the two of them.

“How were both your days?” I ask as Richard just shakes his head “I’m getting too old for dealing with a lot of the nonsense that I’m dealing with now, just leave it at that”. His voice shows his frustration, I know that things have gotten easier for him since Rosie passed away but he is still doing it really tough and I think having me living here with Ben doesn’t make it easy either with the added stress I tend to bring.

We sit there and eat dinner, as Richard responds a lot more to Ben than he does to me which I know is not deliberate but it is highly frustrating but I let it go because he has been so supportive of Ben and me being engaged and living here together. We finish up dinner and I put the dishes in the dishwasher and give the stuff I used a wash out before sitting down with Richard.

“Is there anything you want to talk about Richard? I know I’m probably not the first person who you want to open up to but you’re like my Dad so I want to be able to listen to you about things like Ben does or even things that you want to protect Ben from” I say trying to get Richard to open up about things like I had to in the past to even let me see Ben again after he took the fall for me back when he claimed my drugs were his.

“Thanks, Liam, I meant it when I said you were a good kid but there’s nothing to really talk about, just a long frustrating day,” he says as he flicks through the TV channels. I sit there sensing that he’s not entirely happy and doesn’t want to let onto Ben about it which makes me upset because I just hate the fact that he’s hiding something that is bothering him from Ben.

I sit there and write some more song lyrics and then try to get a set together for the gig on Friday night. I put down the three covers that I want to do and then try to put a list of originals together. Ben comes down the stairs “Hey Liam, Josh is skyping again and wants to talk to you about something”. I get up and wander upstairs and start talking to Josh.

“Hey, just wanted to check to see if you’ve had any luck looking for your Mum yet?” he asks as I shake my head. “Not yet, I mean I’ve been too busy trying to get this song finished for the audition on Monday and then get the right set for the gig on Friday night,” I say as he nods.

“Yeah, fair enough, I want to but I just don’t know what I will say or do when she sees me again” I don’t realise Ben is standing there behind me as I talk about what I could potentially do to try and find my Mum again. I get off the video chat with Josh and turn around and see Ben standing there.

“What was that all about? Something about your Mum?” he says curious about the situation because I know that he won’t be exactly impressed by it because even though he holds family special, deep down he blames her for a lot of my troubles which isn’t exactly fair even though he is right and I do as well.

“I asked Josh a few weeks ago for some advice about reconnecting with Mum because it’s been so long and especially now that we’re engaged and we’ve talked about the future, I want to tell her and see her,” I say as his face sort of turns into a pained expression that I can’t really judge anything from other than his lack of enthusiasm for my plan.

“Why would you want to do that? I mean all she did was bring pain into your life and I thought you were past all that and were happy now” he says to me as we sit down on the bed. “Of course, I’m happy, but look at things where they sit, you’ve got your dad, your aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, all I’ve got is you and we have the same group of friends so there’s nobody really for me you know”.

I sit there and let out a sigh, “I’m not trying to bring her back into my life permanently, but I want to know that she is at least alright because I never really got to say anything to her when I left home and I never got to say goodbye to your Mum, so I don’t want to let that chance go in the future”.

Ben looks at me and shrugs which doesn’t give me much response either way as I know that he doesn’t really want me to do it. “It’s up to you L, but I don’t want you opening up the old wounds because you know how much that affects you and the last time the old world came back was a disaster for everyone”.

Reflecting back, I know that he’s right because after the situation with Chris and having to deal with the past not that long ago, I swore off the old days for sure but I don’t know whether I could fully push my mother out for good. “Look, I know what will happen if I leave too much in there, if I get the sense that it isn’t the right move then I’ll step right back straight away, you know that but if I think that I can talk to her one on one then I won’t do anything”.

Ben looks at me and puts his arm around me, “I trust you but like I said, I know how easy you break and I just don’t want you to hurt yourself or get caught up in the dramas because I don’t know how much you can take and honestly, I’m scared because any sort of trouble and Dad will turn”.

“I’m gonna have a shower and then play some PS4 for a bit if you want to join me after that” he squeezes me as I sit there thinking about what he has to say which is what I knew he would say and knew that he is right about. I’m still struggling with everything that happened last year with Chris and his gang and despite all of the efforts, I’m really struggling at times to think about what could happen if things don’t go right again