Tackling The World

Sitting in the car on the way to Dani’s, I sit there silently my nerves really kicking back in as we drive along. Scott pats my leg every so often to reassure me but doesn’t say anything knowing that there probably isn’t too much that he could say to me that would make much difference. We get to Dani’s and I take a few minutes to get out of the car.

Eventually wandering in, I see Dani looking amazing and Isabella all dressed up and it makes me feel better, the three of us sit down for a minute and we start talking “So whatever happens tonight, know that there will be people who love and care about you and most of all Scott and me so you’re not alone Dani says reassuring me. Scott sits there nodding in agreement “Exactly, you’re an amazing person and there is no doubt someone will always be in your corner tonight”.

I smile as we take a few moments to grab the last of the stuff that we need and I wander back into the car with Scott and we head off to the party. It’s about half an hour before anyone should arrive so I sit back and have a beer at one of the tables trying to not think the worst about anything that could happen tonight. I watch Dani and Scott fixing things up and talking which makes me feel a lot more comfortable about things knowing that this party is pretty much all about me and realising how much I mean to both of them for this to happen.

Guests soon begin to arrive, with plenty of familiar faces with some of Dani’s friends and family getting there nice and early. Dani’s mum wanders over to me and pulls me in for a hug “Joshy, it’s so good to see you again, and aren’t you looking good and happy” she says with plenty of enthusiasm as she calls her husband over who shakes my hand “Good to see you again Josh” he says happy enough to see me but more interested in going out to the TAB.

“Your parents coming tonight Josh?” Dani’s Mum asks me “I don’t know in all honesty; I mean they know I’m back well at least my Dad knows that I am back so that is going to be something to watch,” I say to her not sure what the situation will be once they get here. She just gives me another hug and puts her hands on my shoulders “Remember our family is your family too alright?” she says firmly and I just nod and smile.

I spend plenty of time watching the door to see who will come through on whether my parents come through, Dani comes over and grabs me “Why don’t you come over and sit with Isabella for a bit, it’s not going to do you any good sitting there watching the door to see who comes through alright?”.

I nod and look back at the door to see if anyone is coming through the doors but there is nobody, I go over and sit with Isabella who is there with her cousins playing together as she smiles at me and I get a bunch of hugs from my nieces and nephews who I missed. Their hugs make me smile and playing with them for a little bit makes me miss the moment that I’d been waiting for all night.

Dani tells me that my parents are here and instead of talking to them, she pulls me away for a few minutes “I’m going to get them to talk to you away from everyone here in case it blows up”. I put my hand up and stop her “No, I want them to be out here because I don’t want it to get to a situation where they think they can just say whatever they want to me in a room where nobody can hear”.

Dani looks at me “Are you sure that’s wise? It could make everything worse and totally awkward for you, them, and everyone else”. I look at her “I don’t care, everyone else here knows the person that I am and I have so much support from you and Scott plus your family as well” I sigh “If they want to say how they really feel then let them and they can show their true colours”.

Dani leaves me as she greets my parents and my Dad is searching around the room trying to spot me, clearly agitated about being here and knowing the true reason. He wanders over and sees Isabella and she gets excited by seeing him which makes me smile and happy but at the same time makes me frustrated that he treats me the way he does.

I sit there wondering about things as Scott comes next to me “Haven’t talked to them yet?” he says looking at me, sneaking a kiss on my neck as he does. “Not yet, Dani has something up her sleeve I think though it’s got me totally worried though”. He laughs “Yeah she can do that but I don’t think it will be too bad”.

About 10 minutes later, she drags me across to where my parents are sitting looking in the other direction “Jim, Mary if you don’t mind me interrupting for a moment there is somebody who would like to talk to you”. My parents turn around and my dad rolls his eyes like I’m more a bother than anything else, Mum looks surprised and gets up and gives me a tentative hug, not one filled with any real joy or excitement “How are you, Joshua?” she says quite passively without the emotion that I wanted but at the same time not surprised.

“I’m good thanks Mum, how are you, Dad?” I reply to see what emotion that he has but he just brushes me off “Fine, I’m going out there for a while, come get me when it’s time to go but don’t make it too long”. I stand there totally dejected that he would still be like that, Mum’s face turns upset for a moment “I guess it’s just the shock of seeing you after all this time and not knowing you were home”.

I stand there for a moment “He knew I was here, I tried to visit last week but he wouldn’t let me in and I guess he never told you that I came around” my tone changing from calm to a mix of anger and frustration. Mum stands there shaking her head “No, he didn’t tell me that you came to visit but it’s understandable that he didn’t because of everything that happened and you just leaving”.

Dani grabs my shoulders “Why don’t you go talk to Isabella for a little while and just not worry about things”. I go over to where Isabella is and get her some food so she can have something to eat, I watch Dani and Mum have a heated discussion about things as they talk. Dad comes wandering back in trying to get my mum to leave with him.

I sit down pretty upset by Mum defending Dad knowing that she can’t fully agree with him is what makes me the most upset. I take a few minutes and get up and walk to where Mum and Dad are still talking to Dani but I don’t need to say anything because Dani is doing all the talking for me.

“I don’t know if I want you around Isabella anymore,” she says much to the shock of my parents and me as well “I know that Isabella means a lot to the both of you but I can’t have you setting a poor example for her with the way you’ve been treating Josh for all this time and thinking that there is nothing to come from all this”

.I stand there shocked as Dani actually says that to my parents and right now, I’m prouder of her than I have ever been as she stands up to my parents for me. “I don’t want to sound horrible right now but you have shut Josh out completely from your lives and for what because he didn’t match what your picture is for his life?”.

Dani is clearly frustrated with things and I step in “Mum, Dad… I get that me being gay is something that is different to you I can understand that, but there is nothing I can do about that in my life and I just wanted you to still treat me the same way that you always did but cutting me off had a bigger effect on me that you could imagine”.

I stand there as my eyes start to tear up and I feel Scott come behind me as well “Josh is the most amazing Dad, the number of times he talks about Isabella and how much he misses her and everyone is just remarkable” Scott says before Dani backs him up. “Josh video calls Isabella nearly every night before she goes to bed, he gets up early in London so that he can talk to her, he checks in with me at everything and asks me how the family is”.

Dad just rolls his eyes again as Mum starts to realise the pain that I’ve been going through ever since I was shut off. Dani looks at my Dad “Jim, Josh is still your son, and yes alright maybe he’s not matching what you believe in but look at the person he is” She says taking a breath “He’s a very successful young man, he played Footy at the highest levels possible, he has built a successful career in property both in the UK and here”. My dad listening to Dani because he absolutely adores her generally “But most of all he is an amazing Dad and that’s the most important thing to me and it should be to you”

Dad nods “I know Joshua is a very good father, Isabella talks about him all the time but I cannot support his choices in life, I am glad that you are very happy in your life and successful but I just cannot support his choices,” he says looking away from me “You have always made me proud but I just can’t have the relationship with you that you are looking for because you’re not the son I knew”.

I get angry and raise my voice “Dad… if you don’t want anything to do with me then that’s your loss and I don’t think that Isabella should be punished by not seeing her grandfather because I know that you care about her so much”. I take a deep breath “But at the same point, you need to learn that I’m living my own life and whether you support that is your choice and I accept that” I close my eyes for a minute to make sure what I say is right “I still love you and care about you and what I asked you the other day when I came to visit still stands and I want an answer before I head home”.

Dad looks a touch confused “What question did you ask me the other day, I… I don’t remember you coming to visit” he says trying to cover but it’s already unravelled, I reply “So what happened to when you used to say that it didn’t matter what happened we would never stop being family?”.

“We would never stop being family was your phrase that meant that it did not matter what happened we always are a family and I will never go against those comments but if you want to go against those and that’s fine”. I look at him “I will try and visit you tomorrow or first thing Saturday morning before I leave and if you don’t want to see me then fine, but for now I think it would be better if you left”.

Mum is there in tears as she hugs me and apologises for everything that has happened and says to come around for dinner tomorrow, Dad just walks out not sure if he feels dejected, bad, or just wanting to get home but it’s something that I am not going to worry about because I said what I needed to.

I watch them leave and then go out for air as Scott comes behind me and hugs me tightly “I’m proud of you in there, you said what needed to be said and I think that whatever happens, you will be a better person for it”. I look back at him and kiss him deeply before reply “I might’ve been harsh but it should’ve been something that I said a long time ago and I’ve made my decisions and the ball is purely in their court now on how they want to deal with things and our relationship going forward”.