Tackling The World

The chat with Dani perks up my spirits a lot because I knew why we were always so close even though things were never going to work out between us. I spend the next part of the morning just wandering around the harbour taking in everything that I miss about not living in Sydney anymore but still I wouldn’t change anything for the world.

I end up catching the tram back down George Street to the hotel and chill back there for a while doing some work on my laptop dealing with emails that will still bank up from clients both in the UK and even here in Australia. I work for a bit before heading out and getting ready to go and pick Isabella up from school.

I drive out to the school and wait; it’s been two years since I’ve seen my daughter in person so that it makes me nervous that she’s going to forget me. I get out of the car and go and wait for her to finish school. I wait in the parents area, looking around taking in everything seeing it’s the first time that I have picked up from school. As her class gets brought round by her teacher, I see her and smile, at the time she’s too busy talking to her friends to see me at first.

Eventually, the bell goes and her teacher lets them go, I stand there for a minute as she looks around not seeing anyone before I start to wave to her and see her finally see me and get so excited, not believing that there I am in person. She comes running over to me and I pick her up giving her the biggest hug in the world. “How’s my little princess?”.

She smiles and just keeps hugging me “I’m good Daddy,” she says as we hold hands and walk out to my car “Mummy didn’t tell you I was coming, did she?”. Isabella smiles and shakes her head “Well we’re going to have some special Daddy time aren’t we”. We drive past McDonalds and I stop off and we both have an ice cream before she spends some time going off to play on the play equipment.

I sit there and smile, watching her play with some other kids her age it makes me remember when we first found out about Dani being pregnant. It was something that came as a total shock that left me in a total state of shock. There were times where I wanted to tell Dani but then the news about her being pregnant came along. It was something that I had always wanted to be a father but I was struggling with being married and trying to act happy when truly inside I was anything but happy.

Continuing to sit there and watch her play makes me happier than anything but when I found out that Dani was pregnant, I hit one of the darkest days in my life. Dani and I had been married for about eighteen months when we found out that she had become pregnant and it was the biggest mix of joy and self-doubt that I have ever had. I loved Dani so much, she is an amazing woman but I was really struggling with being gay, and just that everything Dani wanted, was nothing of what I wanted.

Everybody came round when they found out about Dani being pregnant and talking about how good of a family, we would be together and it was through all this that I was struggling because I didn’t know how I could be gay and still be the perfect husband and father. As the nine months progressed, I began to struggle more and more until one night I had to go for a walk just because things were just hitting the breaking point.

It was about 2 am when I got up to leave for the walk, I went into the living room and sat down on the couch as I got dressed and left Dani a note.

“Dani, You have been my best friend for as long as I can ever remember and I will love you forever but there are too many things that I need to say but I cannot say them to you because I can never ever hurt you.

Since I was 15, I have always known that I was gay and it’s something that I have struggled with for so long and I’ve been wanting to tell you for so long but at the same time the last thing that I wanted to do was hurt you. Finding out you were pregnant and that I was going to be a Dad was one of the happiest days of my life, but I quickly came to realise that I could never be the father or husband that the two of you would deserve so as much as it pains me, this is probably better for everyone.

Please don’t blame yourself for all this and I know that as much as it pains me to say it, I cannot deal with it anymore.

The sunshine of your smile is the first thing I see every morning and it’s the last thing I see every night

XX

Josh”

I leave the note on the coffee table and walk out the door leaving my phone next to the note and I walk out the door and go down and get into my car and drive. I knew that I was in a situation that I wanted to get out of but only knew what the one path would be was to end it all.

My family was never going to accept that I was gay and for me too there was a sense of shame and dishonour. The family were always very busy at church and we would have to go every Sunday whilst my parents also went to church on a Tuesday and Thursday night as well. It was because of this that I knew that I would never be accepted.

I drove to a spot where Dad and I would spend time fishing and sat down by the water for a while, just sitting there looking out into the night sky. I couldn’t tell you how long I sat there but the Sun was beginning to rise when I felt a hand touch my shoulder and saw Dani standing there in tears.

“I’ve been driving for hours to try and find you thinking of anywhere you could’ve been,” she says as she sits down next to me and puts her arm around me “I love you, Josh, as well and honestly I’ve always known that you were gay”. I look across at her surprised “H… how could you have ever known?”.

She hugs me and smiles “We’ve been best friends since we started high school so there was never a secret you could keep from me”. I look into Dani’s eyes as she keeps talking to me “I never wanted to say anything because I didn’t want to hurt you because I know how tough this would have been for you to deal with and I got the sense that me being pregnant was starting to hurt you”.

I don’t remember a lot of what happened next but I do remember her telling me that it doesn’t matter what my preferences are, I am going to be an absolutely amazing Dad to the baby that we made together. My struggles continued but with Dani by my side, I managed to get through them until Isabella was born.

My phone buzzes and I snap back to now and see that it’s Ben checking up on me on how everything is going ‘Hey bro, wanted to check in to see if you were having a better day”. I smile as I text him a selfie that I took before of me and Isabella eating ice cream “Yeah much better day with the princess”.

I go and get Isabella who is a touch disappointed she can’t play anymore but we head back to Dani’s house and head inside where she’s sitting at the table looking at us “Where did you two get to?”. Isabella and I look at each other and just smile as Dani laughs “Well were you surprised when you saw Daddy”. Isabella nods and heads into her room as I look at Dani “We just stopped for some Ice Cream at Maccas that’s all”.

Dani folds her laptop down with her design work and looks at me “So how do we tackle the problem with your family?”. I look across at her “What do you mean we? This is my problem and I should be the one dealing with it” I say sighing not wanting her to get on my parents’ bad side “You really want to take them on? It’s been a miracle that they have you at every family event”.

Dani looks at me “Just because we’re not married anymore, it doesn’t make me care about you any less than if we were alright… You’re their son and they should love you for you are and at the end of the day, I’ve never been comfortable with the fact that they have refused to talk to you but want to have everything to do with Isabella”. I sit there as Isabella comes and wants me to play with her which I do for a while before Dani tells her that it’s dinner time and that she made us a special treat.

We sit there and eat dinner altogether as a family before Isabella goes and gets ready for bed, I finish off the night by being one of her favourite story characters as I get to read it to her in person instead of over the camera. I give her a kiss goodnight and wander back out to Dani who has a something in her eye “I’ll let you know when I’ve organised everything to make sure that they at least will talk to you”.

I smile and know that there is no way that I can talk Dani out of what is going to happen with my family so I just let her scheme because, at the end of the day, it’s probably going to work out better than what it would if I was dealing with it all by myself.