Tackling The World

This is my new story Tackling the World which is a story centring around Josh from My Life isn't a Fairytale; Apologies there was no more of my other story but I had lost the work I had done therefore I wasn't able to continue it on sadly.

Laying on the beach, just sitting, and thinking about what I need to do is one of the most frightening things that I need to do in my life so far. There’s a massive difference between talking on the phone and then actually coming face to face with the people that once told you that it would be better if you weren’t around anymore.

I look down at my phone thinking whether I should give my family the call to see if it is alright to visit them for the first time in almost two years which became one of the toughest days of my life because I honestly felt betrayed when I came out to them and got the reaction I did. I put my phone back down and keep laying in the sun for a bit longer procrastinating about everything.

My last two years have been an absolute rollercoaster ride from having come back to Australia to visit my family and make the tough decision to come out officially to the rest of my family. That decision didn’t go so well and I moved back to the UK where I decided to stay back in the closet because my experiences of being open weren’t great. That was until I got to know an amazing guy named Ben who made me feel that it was ok to be open about being gay.

That history with Ben is a different story though (Life Isn’t A Fairytale) but it made me realise that I couldn’t live my life hiding from who I really am because I’m 30 and need to speak to my family. I haven’t spoken to my Dad since I came out which is upsetting because we always used to have a bond that was inseparable until he told me that I was no longer his son because of being gay.

Ultimately, I get up and put my shirt back on and decide that the best way of dealing with things is to just go and visit the family and hope that things go well. I get up and look at my phone and see the smiling picture of my daughter which is my lock screen and feel excited about seeing her for the first time in years in person after so many video calls with her and my ex who has been a great friend.

My relationship with Dani was built on an amazing friendship that we had during High School and we always connected hanging out and just doing things together. Although I always knew I was gay since I was 15, there was something about being with Dani that just made me happy so much so that we eventually got married and had our daughter Isabella when we were both 23. Being a Dad was one of the greatest things that could’ve happened to me but it was also the time that I realised that I couldn’t keep living a lie anymore.

The process of coming out to Dani was easier than I had expected, she listened to me and became my biggest ally through this whole situation which was a big help through all this. She always knew that I was keeping a secret and suspected that it was this and at the end of the day I suppose it wasn’t something that was too hard to guess how much time I spent away with her.

In all honesty, if it wasn’t for Dani I’m pretty sure that I probably would have done something very stupid but she helped me get through all this and now I live as the person that I want to be, well at least as close to it as possible given the circumstances.

Getting into my rental car, I head back to the apartment I’ve leased for the fortnight I’m back home and get changed. I put on a pair of chinos and a buttoned-up white shirt to look smart as I start to head towards my parents’ place which has been the family home since my parents first moved to the country back in the early 1950s. I stop off at the bakery that we always used to pick things up at on the way home from school on a Tuesday afternoon when we got our pocket money.

I see Eddie at the counter with a big smile on his face “Joshua… it’s been so long young man, what are you doing here?”. I smile at Eddie “Hi Eddie, thought you were retiring?”.

Eddie rolls his eyes “Pfft retirement, you know I could never leave my treasure in the hands of anyone else not even Adam” I laugh having gone to school with Adam. “What would you like today, the old special a Spinach and Cheese Roll with coffee”. I shake my head “I’m good for lunch Eddie, I’m just after the other old special if you have any”.

I see a big smile from Eddie “Have I ever run out of them?”. Eddie wanders around the back “How many do you need today?” he calls out loudly “Probably 8 Eddie if you’ve got them”.

Eddie peers around the corner “If I have them… you’re a cheeky boy Joshua” he piles more than 8 in the box and I pay for them. “How much do I owe you, Eddie?”. He smiles “You got 8… so the special 8 for $10”. I give him a sceptical look knowing that there are probably more than 8 in the box but I don’t argue because it’s not a battle that is worth doing.

I put the box of sweets in the back of my car and sit there for a minute, I pick up my phone because now my nerves are entirely encompassing me because I feel my hand shaking and want to call someone but there is nobody around. I have no idea whether I can do this so I drive around the block a few times before parking my car a couple of houses down from my family’s house and wait for a few more minutes.

As I start to get out of my car my phone buzzes and I see a message coming in, I pick up my phone and see Ben’s name appear on the screen “Hey Bro… how did it all go over there”. I smile because the reassurance is just what I need because for as big help that I was with Ben dealing with Liam; He has been just as big a help for me dealing with my family and personal life.

“I’ve been parked out the front for the past 20 minutes just so nervous bro, I don’t know whether I can do it” I text back to Ben not sure whether this was the best idea coming back to somewhere that I lost contact with pretty much everybody else. The next thing I know, my phone rings and see that it is Ben ringing me.

“Ben… you really didn’t need to ring me bro with all those costs,” I say both annoyed and relieved he rang “But I’m glad that you did you know because I just don’t know how I could really do this because everything could go so damn wrong”.  

Ben’s calming voice settles things down “Josh, you’ve managed to fly to the other side of the world to do this, you’ve got to your family’s house, the final few steps to the door aren’t going to be that tough and you are going to have closure one way or the other depending on their response, which is all you ever wanted wasn’t it”.

I let out a sigh “Yeah I know bro, but this isn’t just an ex that I’m trying to get back with, it’s my family bro, and that fear of losing them permanently”. Ben quickly snaps me out of it “What did you say to me that night at the bar? You already have a family looking out for you with Liam and I, Dan, my dad all being your family you know that.”

“I know Ben… I only get one chance to do this and I suppose this is it”. I smile and he tells me he will check in later when he gets a break at his new Marketing job. I run my hands over my face and sigh “Well Josh, it’s now or never”.

I get out of the car and pick up the box of sweets and walk up to the front door and slowly knock on the door, I know that my family is home with Dad’s car parked in the driveway. I wait for a response and hear Mum’s voice “Jim get the door, I’m cooking right now”. I hear the footsteps and realise that I’m going to be face to face with my Dad for the first time. The door opens up and I stand face to face with Dad. “Hi Dad… can I come in?”.

The look on his face is like he is looking at a total stranger “Sorry but we’re not interested in whatever your selling” and he closes the door in my face. I stand there surprised that he didn’t even want to say anything to me. I wait there for a few more minutes and knock again, this time a bit louder. Dad’s voice gets louder “Just ignore it, it’s a salesman that doesn’t get the idea we’re not interested”.

I decide to knock on the door one more time as Dad starts to get louder “I’m going to go sort this guy out”. I hear mum’s voice call out to Dad “Jim, calm down you know what Dr. Harris said if you get agitated too much with your blood pressure”. I hear the door open and see it open right in front of my face and get prepared for what I need to say.