Response
Miss McFierceson continued, “In the silence that followed, I could hear the stirrings of birds in the distance. It seemed the night had passed and morning was quickly dawning. Still no sign of Helmut. My joints ached from being tied up for so long, and I knew I would carry many bruises from the rough handling I had received during the night, but I was spent. I'm not sure if I passed out or just fell asleep, but the next thing I knew, someone was trying to cut the tape on the gag. When I stirred, he paused long enough to remove the blindfold.
“In the blinding brightness of day I could just barely make him out. It was Helmut. His face was a bloated mixture of worry and pain. He was clearly hung over, but he was fighting to stay focused enough to free me. He did his best to be gentle, but the tape pulled at the skin on my face, and proved to be the longest lasting mark I carried from that night. I even have a slight scar from it to this day. See?” She pointed to a slight imperfection of texture on one cheek, and joked, “Amazing what the right concealer can do.”
Neither of us laughed. “I had no idea,” I ventured as she paused.
“No one does,” she answered. “We have never shared that with anyone.”
“Did you at least get some counseling?” I asked.
She smiled indulgently. “I got an AIDS test. And then I kicked him out.”
“I should hope so!” Kevin said indignantly. “I can't believe he...”
“Don't be too quick to pass judgment,” she advised. “The world isn't black and white. Yes, that night broke our relationship. The trust we had had was gone. Even though he had not personally violated me, he had allowed others to. Perhaps even encouraged them in his drunken stupor. He has never been able to remember much about that night, but the sight of me bound gagged and bruised in the aftermath of the attack, haunts him still. When he finally sobered up he was horrified by what had happened. He tried to make it up to me, but I couldn't bear to have him touch me, or even look at me. Finally I couldn't bear to be in the same house with him. He never tried to defend himself. He knew he had gone too far. When I finally asked him to leave, he didn't argue. He just packed his things and left.
“Good!” Kevin's anger was understandable. “Why the hell did he come back? And why did you let him in?”
“That night did more damage to him than it did to me. I have nothing to regret about that night. I did nothing to hurt him or anyone. I have had space to heal. He has not. Over the years regret has eaten him alive. He was a broken man after that night. He blamed himself for everything, and as you saw earlier, he can't forgive himself.”
“He doesn't deserve forgiveness! What he did was...”
“I have forgiven him.” she interrupted. “If I can forgive him...”
“But you never took him back!” Kevin insisted. “How's that forgiveness?”
“Forgiveness doesn't mean you pretend nothing happened,” she answered patiently. “Some things can't be fixed. Some wounds are too deep. Forgiveness means you let yourself see past those wounds and find a way to move ahead. I still love Helmut. I always will. But we can never go back to what we were before that night. Forgiving him has meant that I try my best to see the good in who he is now. That I offer him what support and encouragement I can while remembering the past and keeping myself safe.
“I don't know how you can say stuff like that.” Kevin was doing his best to be polite, but he clearly didn't agree.
“Of course not.” Miss M. stroked the side of his face. “It has taken me years to get to this place. I don't expect you to master one of the most difficult of human virtues at such a young age or so quickly after hearing such disturbing news.” She paused for a moment, then added, “You know, your father was terrified of you finding out.”
“Of course he was!” Kevin snapped. “Like he said, he really is an asshole on a level I never could have imagined.”
“No,” she corrected. “He wasn't afraid you'd think him an asshole. He is afraid of losing you. He's afraid you'll never speak to him again.”
“You didn't speak to him.”
“Not for many years, no, and that is probably my biggest regret from this whole thing, but I needed to heal first. When he needed me, however, and I had had time to heal...Well I found a way.” She thought for a moment and said, “that is probably part of his thinking. He's worried that you'll banish him like I did even though he's done nothing to hurt you.”
“He lied to me!”
“No he didn't,” she said. “He simply didn't want to talk about the most painful and embarrassing moment of his life with someone he adores. He just wants you to think well of him. I mean, have you told him every one of your deepest darkest secrets?”
“I suppose not,” Kevin admitted. “But I've told him an awful lot.”
“As well you should. He loves you more than you know, and would do anything for you. You know what I think his real fear is?”
“What?”
“Well, you heard how he called himself a rapist. I think he's worried that you'll equate him with your biological father, and run away from him too.”
Kevin was silent for a long minute. “I did make that comparison when he said that,” he admitted. “But I hadn't got any further than that, like I hadn't made any decision about what to do.”
“Good,” Miss M. smiled. “Why don't you try to keep that door open as long as you can and don't make any hasty decisions. If you need some distance you can always come and stay here for a while. But I warn you, I expect help with the housework, and you will have chores. I don't care if you are eighteen.”
Kevin smiled at her. “I'll think about it.”
“And I'll pack you a doggie bag,” she said as she rose to clear the dishes. “Everything has gone cold.
Just then my phone rang, so I headed to the living room while Kevin helped her clear the dishes. “Hello.”
It was Mike. “Get over here right now!” he insisted without even saying hello. “I don't know what happened, but Helmut just orders a large vodka. I've already called his sponsor, but it could take him a while, he's three towns over. I'll delay as long as I can, but I can't legally refuse to serve him if he's not already drunk.”
“I'll be there as quick as I can.” I stuck my head into the kitchen and told them what was going on, before running out the door and racing to Mike's Bar.
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