Chapter Three: Lost
I must have walked for at least an hour before I realized that I was getting hungry. I hadn’t been following any planned route or heading towards a destination, I was just wandering. For the last twenty minutes or so I had been following the edge of the land, moving between the rocky outcroppings and small sandy beaches that defined the shore. I sat on a large piece of granite and stared out at the endless sea, allowing my mind to return to the emptiness that had descended as I walked. It wasn’t like me, this silence. My mind was usually swirling with multiple ideas, questions, and thoughts. I knew that some cultures valued this kind of emptiness, seeing it as a state of grace, but it felt wrong to me, as if I were losing myself, as if I were about to disappear.
I pulled out my phone and called Helmut. “Hey, Joey, what’s up?”
His cheerful greeting pulled me back into the real world and I answered, “I, umm, I need a ride, are you available?”
“I thought you were at work, did something happen with Ben?” He did his best to sound casual, but the alarm in his voice was clear.
“No, I haven’t heard anything from him. I’m just….Well I went for a walk and I’m not exactly sure where I am.”
He paused for a minute, then asked, “Are you in the woods?”
“No, I’ve been walking along the beach, but I don’t recognize any of the buildings along the road.”
“Tell me what you can see.” He was direct and to the point.
“Well, there are some little beaches, separated by granite outcroppings, and the road runs above the shore and parallel to it. Each of the beaches seem to have a small cottage above it on the other side of the road, and a few of the cottages are down almost on the sand.”
“Summer rentals,” he mumbled, “Probably empty. Is there anything else?”
“Yeah, the cottages all look empty right now, and there aren’t any cars around. There’s a big building behind a few of the cottages up on a hill. Looks like a hotel or something.”
“Ahh!” He seemed to know this building. “Is it dark gray with white shutters? And is there a lighthouse on a point across the bay?”
“How did you know it was gray and white? I looked out at the ocean and realized that there was indeed a small lighthouse in the distance. “Where am I?”
“Saltwater Road, Route 15, near the Northern Tides Nursing home. I’ll be over in about ten or fifteen minutes. Get yourself up to the road so I can find you.” He hung up abruptly and I knew he was probably already on his way. I climbed the rocks and positioned myself so I was visible from the road. One of the few empty cottages that were on the ocean side of the road sat close to my rocky seat, and I found myself appreciating its simplicity within this beautiful setting. There was a stillness here, profound and deep, offering a sharp contrast to the mayhem of Hope House. This silence didn't feel as empty as what I had been feeling before. It seemed to almost vibrate, especially near the cottage. I ventured over to one of the windows to take a peek. There was basic furniture, but nothing personal, and certainly none of the mess of daily life. Clearly, no one was living here at the moment. I couldn't quite explain it, but I felt like the cottage was waiting, longing for someone to make it a home. It felt as if the building was considering me with as much interest as I was considering it. It was a bit unnerving.
Helmut arrived even more quickly than he had said he would, and I wondered if he had run a couple of red lights. He pulled into the driveway of the cottage and got out. “Are you alright?” He asked, again trying to minimize his concern.
“Yeah, I just needed to get away and have some time by myself.”
He looked me up and down before offering, “I get it. I need to be alone too sometimes and with the rugrat underfoot, I can’t always get it.”
“At least the rugrat is healthy,” I mumbled. “At least he can walk.”
Helmut was silent. “Yeah,” he finally ventured, “And there’s every hope that Ben will walk again too. Someday.”
“Someday,” I echoed. “Yeah.” I looked up at Helmut with tears in my eyes, “But right now, I feel like...I feel like part of me has died, like there’s this big hole inside me, like the Ben I love is gone and I’m left with only a small piece of him.”
“Ben is still very much alive,” he insisted, “And he needs you right now as much as you need him.” He paused for a moment, and uncharacteristically sat on the stone next to me and placed his hand on my knee. “I know what it is to loose my better half. I live with that regret every day. You haven’t lost Ben at all. He still loves you and all this grief shows me just how much you love him. Don’t get lost in the grief like I got lost in the booze. I don’t want to see you throw it all away like I did.” He squeezed my knee and stood up. “Besides, what’s the worst that could happen? You just can’t fuck like you used to. So what? I bet that little fucker will give you a blow job if you ask him real nice, and once everything is stable he’ll probably let you fuck his ass, even if he can’t feel it. There are lots of ways to deal with that.” Once again punching my shoulder, he looked at his watch, “It’s lunchtime, I think you need something to eat. I know this little place not too far from here”
I got in the truck and didn’t pay too much attention until we pulled into the little bar I had stopped at last night. “It’s only bar grub, but sometimes it’s just the right thing.”
“Oh, I forgot to tell you this morning.”
“What?”
“I stopped here for a nightcap on the way home last night.” I deliberately refrained from giving him any details. “I met Mike, he says he knows you.”
Helmut gave me a sideways glance, and grinned a wicked grin. “Yeah, I know Mike, nice guy, what did he have to say?”
“Oh, nothing much,” I drew it out so I could toy with him. “Just that you pointed Ben and me out to him once, that’s how he recognized me.”
“True enough.” He seemed to relax a little. “He had heard about the Hope House, and was curious, especially when I told him how the two of you couldn’t keep your hands off each other.” He was clearly trying to embarrass me and enjoying the prospect of having me at a disadvantage in front of his friend.
“And he did mention one more thing,” I offered up innocently.
“What was that?” he almost snarled, overconfident of his dominance.
“Just that the two of you like to go out looking for ass together.” His eyes got big, but before he could say anything I continued, “He’s a big guy, made me wonder if he’s ever tapped your ass. Shall we?”
As he roared his displeasure at that suggestion, I quietly got out of the truck and walked into the bar, wearing a big grin. The place was quiet, with only a few patrons, and Mike was clearly holding down the fort by himself. He looked up as I entered and said, “Didn’t expect to see you again so soon.”
I smiled and replied, “Neither did I, but...oh, and I brought a friend.”
Just then Helmut flung the door open and seeing me chatting with Mike, stormed across the room, again roaring, “What the hell did you tell him last night?!”
“Nothing more than you told him about me,” I challenged, giving him my own evil grin.
Mike was a bit bewildered and answered, “Nothing important. From the way you talk it sounded like you two didn’t have any secrets, so I thought…”
“Well you thought wrong!”
“What’s the matter? You been keeping secrets from your little Joey?” I teased, falling into baby talk as I went. “Have you been a bad boy and need a spanking?” I slapped his ass playfully, then turning to Mike and returning to my regular voice, I added, “Because I know just where he can get one if he wants.”
Mike roared with laughter as Helmut turned five shades of red right in front of us. “Calm your tits!” Mike chuckled, and asked, “You want some lunch? I know you don’t want a drink.”
“I’m tempted,” Helmut sulked, “But yeah, the usual.”
After taking my order, Mike brought us each a soda and disappeared into the back. We each took a couple of sips in silence before Helmut ventured, “You little shit. I ought to..”
“I learned from the master,” I interrupted, raising my glass and offering him a toast.
He touched my glass with his, and after taking another sip, added, “So that’s the thanks I get for dropping everything and…”
“Yup,” I smiled broadly, “A thanks from one asshole to another.”
He looked at me again, this time with a crooked grin, and threw one arm around my shoulder to pull me towards him in his version of a playful hug. He slapped my cheek a few times, repeating, “You little shit,” but this time the words were filled with love.
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