Chapter Two: Family
I awoke covered in sweat. Another dream had troubled my sleep, and again, the images were fading fast. All I could remember was the hypnotic sound of soft waves gently lapping over a rocky shore, and the sense of an unknown presence someplace nearby. I laid in bed for a few minutes, struggling to retrace my thoughts even as they became more and more distant. Finally I just had to let them drift away, and trust that when it was time I would be able to find what I had been looking for.
I was frustrated, I was also angry. I knew no one was to blame for Ben’s accident, not even him, yet I wanted someone to blame, someone I could focus my anger on. The universe had dealt us an unacceptable hand and I wanted to even the score, or at least be able to protest this grim new reality. It was clear that our life together might never be the same. There was the possibility that he would never walk again, but I couldn’t even think of that right now. All I could do was focus on the fact that he was still alive and try to be grateful for that.
I put on some clothes to go down to breakfast, and put on the brave face I was expected to wear for the benefit of the children in our care. Our little experiment of offering housing to homeless LGBTQ+ youth had been a great success. In the last year we had finally reached capacity and were now considering options on how to expand our services or mentor other burgeoning shelters.
When I reached the kitchen, the usual morning mayhem was in full swing. From the boisterous mob a few faces emerged. Chad, one of our first five kids, was immediately at my side. “How’s Ben?” he asked with a sense of urgency. He had struck up a particularly close bond with Ben over the last year, and had been intensely concerned about him since the accident.
“He was fine last night, sweety,” I answered, squeezing his hand to offer him reassurance. “We’re hoping he’ll get the OK to move into a rehab center today or tomorrow.”
“That’s good, right?” He seemed unsure of the process, and I had to admit I shared in his uncertainty. “When can I see him again?”
“Maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow,” I offered with a smile. “We’ll see how the day goes.”
He gave me a tight hug and whispered, “I bet I don’t miss him half as much as you do.” Then with a sly wink, he headed off to finish his breakfast. As I approached the counter to figure out what I wanted to eat, Sabina, another of our original kids, grabbed my hand and ushered me to the table.
“You are not having cereal again today,” she chided as she indicated for me to sit down. “I’m making you eggs and toast.” I tried to protest, but she wouldn’t let me speak. “We’ve all been watching you, and you haven’t been taking care of yourself lately. Eggs and toast. You need some protein.”
Ash suddenly appeared at my elbow and silently set a mug of coffee in front of me, along with some sugar and milk. I turned to thank him, but he had already retreated into the crowd. I gave myself over to watching the various interactions between the kids. We had a full dozen now, not counting Kevin, who had moved into the carriage house with Helmut once the adoption was final. We also had three social workers on staff at all times, as well as an expanded administrative staff, and a small grounds crew. Helmut had taken on an assistant as it became clear that he could not maintain the physical plant on his own, and it now looked like we needed to think about bringing a third person onto his team.
Kevin came in, and spotting me, immediately rushed over and threw his arms around my neck. “Any news on Ben? Has he had a boner yet?”
Helmut, who was following him closely, overheard this question and slapped the back of his head playfully. “That’s completely inappropriate!” he chided. Then sitting next to me and stealing my coffee, he continued, “You’re too young to be asking questions like that.” Turning to me he grinned and said, “But I’m not. So...any wood from the lumberjack?”
I actually laughed out loud, grateful for their directness. “Nothing yet, but I keep trying.”
“Well, let me know if you want some help.” Helmut punched me in the shoulder and stood up. “Come on, smart ass, let’s get some breakfast,” wrapping his arm around Kevin’s neck, and dragging him toward the counter.
Kevin offered a protest, “Let me go, you old fart, I can get my own breakfast,” but he was clearly enjoying the playful banter and physicality of his new father.
Sandra called as I was walking to work. “They’re fitting him for a portable brace today at two, if you want to be there. I’m just heading out now for a nap.” I asked if she needed anything, but she insisted she was fine. I thanked her for the update and wondered why mothers always seem to do this. How could she be fine? Her son was in the hospital, paralyzed. I certainly wasn’t fine. I informed my supervisor, and she assured me that I could take whatever time I needed. She even talked about taking a leave of absence for a month or two once he began rehab in earnest.
I tried to work, but my heart wasn’t in it. I couldn’t concentrate. I hadn’t been able to since this all began. Heather stopped in at mid-morning to ask about Ben. She had taken over Evelyn’s position when she retired about a year ago, and it suited her. After the usual inquiries, she paused and looked at me hard. “You’re not sleeping, are you?”
I sighed. “Not well, no.”
“And you’re not eating well, either.” It wasn’t a question. After a pause, she ventured, “I think you need to see someone, you know, a counselor or something. I know the signs of depression when I see them. Believe me, I know depression all too well.”
“I’m not…” She interrupted me with an icy stare. “I mean, I’m alright. Sure, it’s stressful, but I’m fine.” I caught myself using the same phrase Ben’s mother had used, and realized I was doing the same thing she was, minimizing my own needs to appear strong for others.
Heather waited as I followed this train of thought, almost as if she knew I was needing to talk myself into seeking help. “I...umm...I’ve never been in counseling, I wouldn’t know where to begin.”
She reached over and took my hand. “I have. I know someone who can help you find the right person. Can I call them for you?” She pulled her phone out of her pocket and unlocked it.
“What? Right now?”
“Why not? She smiled.
“Is it that obvious?” I pleaded, remembering how the kids had been rallying around me this morning.
“To those of us who know you it is,” she confided. “Blindingly obvious!”
I allowed her to make the call, and was astounded at the clarity and precision with which she described my current situation and psychological state. She confirmed an appointment for me the next day for a general intake process. After she hung up she rose to leave. “If you want me to go with you, I’d be happy to…”
“That won’t be necessary,” I assured her. “But thank you for getting the ball rolling.” I rose to walk her to the door, genuinely grateful for her honesty.
Before leaving, she turned and kissed me on the cheek. “I’m glad I could help,” she offered. “You know how much you mean to me, how much you both mean to me? I owe you so much. I don’t think of you as a friend, you know. I think of you as family. You’re my favorite uncle, Uncle Joey, and it hurts me to see you in such pain.”
“Thank you,” I said, brushing away a tear. “And I love you too.” I returned her kiss, and watched her as she walk down the hallway towards her office. Turning to my own empty office, I felt trapped. Despite the three years of joy this job had given me, I couldn’t face one more minute here. I just needed to be with Ben. I needed to be alone. I didn’t know what I needed, but I was sure that I needed to not be here. I shot off an e-mail to my supervisor, apologizing for my inability to focus, and left.
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