Bird Came Down

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?”Felix said. “Come on in,”

He pushed the door open and Dylan said, “Tonight is Elias’s night with Lance.”

“I love the life you all have,” Felix commented. “I don’t know what I would do with two Scotts. Two anyones. You thirsty?”

“I’m good,” Dylan began. Then he said, “What do you have?”

“For most people I say water because I don’t want them drinking my shit, but,” Felix opened the refrigerator and began pulling out juice, milk, chocolate milk, beer and wine, “you can have my shit.”

“I’ll take this shit,” Dylan pointed to the chocolate milk.

“Really? I thought you’d have something so much more grown up.”

Felix got a glass from above him and poured milk into it before going into the living room with nothing for himself.

“Is Scott coming?”

“I hope you weren’t coming to see him. He’s at home with his kids.”

“No,” Dylan shook his head. “I really just came to see you.

“I talked to my dad today.”

“I never talk to mine.”

“Is it that kind of relationship?”

“Well, yes.”

“My dad asked me if we were ever going to have children.”

Felix blinked.

“That’s how I felt too,” Dylan admitted. “I had actually discounted the possibility. Now I don’t know.”

“But,” Felix began, then he shook his head.

“You were going to ask but how?”

“I was.”

“I don’t know,” Dylan shrugged, taking a large drink so a chocolate milk moustache imprinted itself on his upper lip. “I mean who would give us a kid?”

“Two of you could adopt him as a couple and then…” Felix thought.

Dylan waved it off. “I don’t really need to know now. I don’t even know if I would want that. Only I had never thought of it.”

But Felix wasn’t finished. “I bet if one of you made it genetically, then two of you could adopt it as a couple, then all three of you could have a child.”

“Wow,” Dylan looked surprised. “You’re a lot like my dad! That’s some crazy shit he would think of.”

“Then I’m sure I’d like him.”

“I think you would. You’re a lot alike… Except thirty years younger.”

“Or you could all genetically make a child, and then have the other two adopt them as couples and…”

“You’re not giving up on this, are you?”

“I’m actually going to go on the Internet and look it up tonight. Traditional families suck balls, and I’m all about making new ones.”

The phone rang and Felix lifted a finger to check.

“It’s Scott,” he said.

“Then get it,” Dylan told him.

“I don’t want to be rude.”

“Get it. It might be important.”

Fenn did. He slid his finger across the face of the phone and said, “Hello, Babe.”

“I wanted to hear your voice.”

“That’s sweet. I’m glad to hear your voice too.” Now to find a nice way to tell him to call back. “I haven’t seen much of you this week.”

“And I actually called about that,” Scott said.

“Okay?”

“You won’t be seeing that much of me tomorrow either. I have to work late. I got Matt to watch the boys. I thought of asking you.”

“Why didn’t you?”

“Do you really want to?” Scott said. “We just got together. We’re dating each other. You’re not dating my kids.”

“These days I’m not dating much of you, either,” Felix said.

“Hey—”

“And I understand why. I’m not stupid,” Felix told him. “And I’m not selfish either.”

“I know you aren’t. You’re the most unselfish person I know.”

“I’m just saying… there doesn’t seem to be much time for us.”

“Our time is coming,” Scott said. “I promise you.”

“Well right now Dylan is here and I’m being a rude host.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. Of course. I love you. I’ll talk to you soon. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Scott.”

“So,” Felix cleared his throat after he put the phone away, “I am basically taking it on Scott’s word that we are together.”

Dylan said nothing and Felix said, “And there were whole months when you didn’t see Lance?”

“Yes,” Dylan lifted a finger, “but you have to remember, when Lance was gone Elias was always there, and I had been through a great deal to get the both of them.”

“I feel like unless I want to be a stepfather to his boys I’m never going to really have Scott, and that makes me feel terrible,” Felix continued, “because I am close to forty, and shouldn’t I want to be that? Shouldn’t I want to do that for him?”

“Why would you?” Dylan asked, simply. “And even if you should it’s clear that you don’t.”

“I feel something like a monster,” Felix continued, “because deep inside not only do I wish Jen hadn’t died—which is right and fitting—I wish he’d lost custody. I wish he was mine. I could share him with another man. I don’t want to share him with two kids. Not hers.”

Dylan was a new best friend, and Felix was sad when he was gone. It was so difficult to link to someone let alone another man. And when Dylan was gone, Felix felt very much left to his own devices. He sat on his sofa a while, and then got up, went to the refrigerator for his tobacco, and pulled down rolling papers and filters to begin rolling cigarettes. While he was halfway through smoking one he got up, went to the underwear drawer and pulled out a sheer pair of microfiber briefs. He remembered an afternoon with a lover some time ago, and seeing underwear like that on the floor. He had picked them up and slipped them onto his own body and then commanded him:

“Pull them away.”

He knew he was sexy as the eager boy pulled them off. So a few days later Felix went to the Wal Mart—yes they sold them at the Wal Mart—and bought three pairs. The bright red one he pulled out of the drawer. He eyed it carefully, and then smiled, ashed his cigarette, and tossed the red briefs on the bed before going to shower.

He felt that he was being good here, that he was being responsible, that he was doing what he didn’t want to do, moving in a different direction than he had done his whole life, and as he headed to Scott’s house, he thought of their first conversation. It seemed like so long ago, though it had been in the heat of summer and now the chill of autumn was coming in.

“I never thought I’d see you again, and now here you are, in my house, sweeping my floors.”

“Are you seeing anyone?”

“Scott—” Felix started, and then he said, “Yes. Yes, I am. And no you can’t just jump into my life like that.”

“I’m sorry!” Scott put up a hand. “I know. I know. I’m sorry. What about friends?” Scott held a nervous hand out. “What about that?”

He was at the house now, and he saw the open curtain, and in the living room Scott was on the sofa, talking, and in the chair across from him, bringing Taylor a drink, was Matt, and they looked like a family, and everything looked so heavy and Felix thought how Matt wanted that life and, in a way, since Scott had neglected to say Matt would be here, pouring the children drinks, sharing a life with Scott, this was cheating. And Felix thought, “Matt can have it.” He didn’t want to raise Scott’s children. That was too much responsibility centering around one man who had, after all, given him far too little.