Bird Came Down

Felix woke up when Scott, rising from the bed, made the mattress shift, and he sensed Scott padding to the bathroom. He listened to him pissing, and he could feel the sunlight coming weakly through the blinds.

When Scott returned he wrapped an arm around Felix and Felix could smell the subtle scent of his armpits.

“So what was that you said about Catholics being better than Protestants?”

“Excuse me?”

“At the funeral you said that you could pray at Saint Casimir’s and you couldn’t at your church. You said something about soullessness.”

“Did I?” Felix murmured. “My mouth is dry.”

“Are you evading?”

“No. My eyes are gummy and my mouth is dry.”

The bed heaved as Scott got up again and a moment later, after the sound of the spray of water and shuffling in the cupboards, he returned and set a glass of water on the bureau.

“I like your penis,” Felix said.

“What?”

“I do.”

He drank from the water glass, and then Scott drank too, and they fell back into bed.

“What do you like about it?”

“It just is. I think I like how it’s not covered up. How it’s just a part of you and… I don’t know. I just like all of you. Uncovered. With me.”

Scott licked the back of Felix’s neck and pressed his face into it.

“And no, I haven’t forgotten what I said,” Felix said. “Only, when I was growing up I felt very out of step with other Catholics, and we were half and half and then Valerie went to seminary and I didn’t want much to do with churches at all. After she got ordained I made Saint Margaret’s a home, and it is in it’s own way. But nothing happens to my soul there.”

“And something happened at Casimir’s?”

“Yes. But possibly because it was a funeral.”

“Are you reneging?”

“I’m being honest,” Felix said. “I’ve always tried to be honest, but there is a fuzzy line between being a Christian with a liberal lean on things and being a hypocrite. I don’t like fuzzy lines, really. And if the truth be known, I don’t think I like church.”

“I really liked your church,” Scott said. “It made me want to go to church again, and now you’re saying…?”

“I’m saying there are better things for us to talk about than church. I don’t know. I know I want something. Something like God, Something’s got to change. Something has changed.”

“A lot has changed.”

“I couldn’t keep being the person I was. Nothing was happening to me.”

“Too much was happening to me,” Scott said.

He wrapped his arms tighter around Felix, and pressed his cheek against his spine.

“Do you really believe in God? I mean really?”

“I do. Why do you ask?”

“Because the way we met again. Everything that happened… I really, really do believe that’s a miracle. I really believe only God could have done that. I know God gave me to you.”

“Now you’re being sentimental.”

“God looked down and saw what a mess I was, and he gave me to you, and I’m grateful for that. I think I’d have liver disease or something otherwise. I was so close to being a real mess. I actually was a mess. And now I know I won’t be.”

“Well, I needed you too,” Felix said. “It isn’t a one way street.”

“I know,” Scott said. “I could lie and pretend I don’t, but I know you needed me. I know that. I know we are better than you and me. If that makes sense.”

“Must we work today?” Felix asked.

“No,” Scott said. “We mustn’t. I will take off.

“Today is the last day I will let my folks do my job in taking care of my kids. Today I’m going to pick them up from school and bring them to their home, and we’re going to start to make a home. But right now, this day is ours.”

He stopped and said, “I do not expect that to be your home. I do not expect you to be their new mother.”

Then Scott said, “I would hate to try to change you…”

“Which means?”

“Me and the kids are going to be here a lot.”

“True.”

“Would you ever consider getting a one bedroom?”

“It’s almost time for lease renewal,” Felix said. “But I’m not paying for something that you want.”

“Alright. Alright. How much is that one fucking room a month?”

“Sixty five more.”

“Then I’ll give you sixty-five more if we can have a bedroom when I bring over the kids.”

Felix turned over and buried his face in his pillow.

“You think I’m going to tell you no,” he said. “But I’m not.”