The Three of Us, We’ve Always Been So Misaligned
Three AM, on the dot. Back home for barely two days, and his insomnia was back as well, and with a vengeance. Lyn swung his legs over the edge of the bed and let his soles touch the cool floor. A short sweep with one hand over the sheet on his side barely left any signs of his lying there for the last few hours. Not really sleeping, just dozing, on and off.
The other side of the bed remained untouched. When he didn’t have his fuck buddies sleep over, Lyn had the habit of hogging the entire bed to himself, as if he needed to assert his ownership of things, things he’d bought and possessed.
Since his return, he had kept to his side of the bed. It wasn’t really conducive to sleep, it seemed. But Lyn couldn’t bring himself to roll over to the other side, do things as he usually did. How many times had he woken up during this night alone and stared confused at the place by his side, the part of his brain still confused and trapped in dreams screaming at him that something was wrong?
That the place by his side shouldn’t be empty, unused.
With a groan, Lyn grabbed his pillow and buried his face in it. He needed to keep busy. Returning to his life – the one he’d built for years – hadn’t run as smoothly as he hoped.
It had only been two days. His expectations were too high, even for himself.
He got to his feet and walked over to the window. The familiar view welcomed him, the string of cars pouring down, coming from somewhere, heading somewhere.
Lyn had always known his destination. Or at least, he’d thought so. He’d needed to become financially stable, strong, self-reliant.
And he was all that. What was this deep sense of dissatisfaction plaguing him at this ungodly hour? He had experienced it before, but it hadn’t bothered him until now. Blaming it on still having goals to achieve was enough.
No, it had used to be enough. The gap emerging and stretching between himself and these goals was new. A vast, arid space where nothing lived.
Lyn didn’t need to share these thoughts with his doctor. He didn’t trust anyone enough for this.
Also, he understood what these thoughts wanted from him – to take a good look at his decisions and admit that he might have been wrong.
Brad. The easygoing friend. The one easy to have a crush on. Comfortable, never too challenging.
It had been a lie. Not Brad as a person, but Lyn’s idea of him. What could he even put in that space his friend had occupied for so long to make this feeling of emptiness, of swallowing air, disappear?
And then Alexander. Lyn didn’t want to think about him at all. Because if he did, a sharp new pain tore through his chest, and Lyn was worried he didn’t know what to do with it.
Going back to sleep wasn’t an option. But Lyn didn’t feel like doing anything else either. Something productive, to keep him moving forward, prevent him from stopping.
He was stuck in place, not knowing what to do. Even the pain of having destroyed his friendship with Brad had been something. But instead of it, a big chunk of nothing existed now.
Lyn pressed his forehead against the cool glass, groaning softly. He should find a new fuck buddy. On occasion, sex tired him out enough to let him sleep. But the idea, the mere idea, tired him mentally, if that was a thing. He couldn’t picture the next guy to share his bed, when he was usually so meticulous when choosing the right person.
The right person. He snorted in a self-deprecating way. There was no such thing as that, regardless of what he had shaped his mind to believe all these years.
No, he wouldn’t take on another bed partner, not for a while, at least. Some things were better left to chance.
The soft sound of his phone on vibrate made him turn his head and stare at the infamous object, left on his nightstand. He ignored it. But he wouldn’t throw it away, like he had done all those years ago. Supposedly, he was an adult now. And adults didn’t throw away their phones so that their friends wouldn’t be able to reach them.
***
“Aren’t you a bit early?” Amber stuck her head through his door, her sharp eyes trained on him. “And what’s with the long face?”
Lyn pretended to ignore her, tapping his desk with his favorite pen, while continuing to peruse the legal documents on his desk.
“I am right on time, boss,” he said. “And the long face is very much related with the crazy amount of work you’ve managed to amass on my behalf while I was gone.”
“Hmm,” she let out.
Was she balancing on one foot? Her head remained disembodied, floating from behind the door like a prop from a doll theater show.
“Do you really not have anything better to do than be on my case because I’m an exemplary employee?”
“Exemplary, my ass. I’m not that kind of boss, and you look like you need the rest. How was the wedding?”
Lyn had no idea. Had Bella and Brad exchanged vows, after all? Had Alexander witnessed it, part of the charade? Somehow, Lyn couldn’t picture him there. But, after all, he didn’t know his friend as well as he had believed.
“Lyn!”
He snapped his head up. “Are you still here?”
Amber rolled her eyes. “I sure am. What about you? Go home. Don’t come back until tomorrow.” Finally, she entered. Carefully, she placed a folder on his desk. “It’s not like you to make mistakes. Sort your head out.”
Startled, Lyn grabbed the folder and ran his eyes quickly over the documents it contained. He had made a mistake, and Amber was right to give him an earful.
“Or is it something else?”
Her question caught him unawares. Amber was leaning forward, so there was no room left to hide. His eyes met her briefly.
“No offense, Lyn, but you look like someone who got their heart broken.”
Lyn frowned and closed the folder. “I’ll submit the corrected papers before you leave today.”
Amber surprised him by placing a warm hand on his wrist. “I’m not here to scold you. This place falls apart when you’re not here, I swear. But for your sake, take a little time to mend yourself, okay? Or cry your heart out or whatever it is that a cold fish like you does to get things off your chest.”
Lyn scoffed. “Do I look like someone capable of crying their heart out?”
“No. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t.”
Just freaking great. His boss thought he was pathetic now, like the rest of the world did.
“Don’t make me make you take another vacation,” Amber joked.
Lyn forced himself to smile and returned to his work. “I’m afraid you can’t afford that, boss. Didn’t you say this place might fall apart without me here?”
Moving away, Amber shook her head in mirth. “Whoever that guy is... He’s either one hell of a guy, or a complete asshole.”
Hell was a good word choice.
Wait, did he feel like crap not because of Brad... But because of Alexander?
Lyn shook his head. That would be stupid. Because Alexander, for all intents and purposes had done--
--nothing wrong?
Yeah, sure. He’d done plenty. And Lyn wouldn’t suffer because of Alexander’s too many good deeds wrapped in complicated feelings.
Although he might.
Although he would.
He had no time for this. He had made a mistake for the first time since working here, and he couldn’t afford playing hooky one moment longer.
“Shoo,” he ordered his boss. “People are trying to get some work done here.”
“Whatever you say, Lyn,” Amber replied, looking completely unconvinced.
***
“Hey, babe.” El grabbed him and kissed him on the cheek with a loud smack, making Lyn wobble on his high stool for a moment. “How was the wedding?”
“I didn’t stay, after all,” Lyn replied, turning to give El a short hug. “Are you alone?” He looked around, searching for El’s boyfriend with his eyes.
“Why are you asking?” El said, batting his eyelashes. He burst into laughter right away. “Don’t worry, I’m not hitting on you, Lyn. You should see your face.”
Something about the way El threw those casual words made Lyn wince. Maybe he should see his face more often. Obviously, he’d missed a lot of things about himself by not being aware of how he looked to the outside world.
El caught his arm. “Hey, are you okay? I didn’t mean to laugh.”
Lyn struggled to get a grip. “No worries. My head is a bit of a mess, but that’s about it.”
El chose the stool by his right and hopped on it. “Do you need someone to talk to?”
No, not usually.
“I’m fine,” he said halfheartedly. “How are things with Mark?”
“They’re great. We might move in together,” El confessed in a conspiratorial whisper.
His face was all a smile. He looked great, indeed. Had he ever looked like that while being Lyn’s fuck buddy? Probably not.
Lyn raised his glass and smiled for El’s sake. “That’s great to hear, buddy. I’m happy for you. Just don’t invite me to your wedding anytime soon. I might have been ruined for all eternity by the last one.”
“Really?” El gestured to the bartender to get him a drink. “Now you need to tell me everything. But before that, don’t get mad at me if you hear certain rumors making the rounds. I didn’t start them.”
“What rumors?” Lyn shook his head no when the bartender offered to top off his glass.
“That I’m the one who turned you into a monk.”
“A monk?” Lyn asked, blinking a few times and staring at El’s face to see if his former bed partner was trying to pull his leg.
“Well,” El shrugged, “you haven’t paid attention to any of the pretty boys flocking around you ever since they caught wind I was no longer your royal concubine.”
Lyn groaned and ran one hand over his face. He’d been back from his catastrophic vacation for how long? Two weeks? People needed to cut him some slack.
“Well, someone might have ruined me for sex for a while,” he said jokingly.
“Not me,” El said with a snort. “Wait, who’s the guy? Wow, he must be one hell of a bottom. Now you really need to tell me who he is. I can’t imagine someone dumping your ass.”
“You did, though,” Lyn pointed out, flashing a teasing smile at El.
The younger man rolled his eyes. “Besides me, obviously. Come on, spill.”
Lyn played with his glass. It had always been easy for him to talk to El, maybe because his ex fuck buddy had a pleasant and kind personality.
“Not a bottom,” he said and threw his drink back in one go.
El slapped his shoulder hard enough to make Lyn have to tense so he didn’t slide off his stool. “Get out of here! A top? Are you kidding me?”
Lyn chuckled. “Vers, actually.”
“Wow, wow, wow.” El caught his face in his palms and gave Lyn an astonished look. “Wait a minute... You didn’t stay for the wedding... Did Brad fuck you before he tied the knot? Well, did you fuck him?”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Lyn said, snorting under his breath. It was ridiculous. For all his silly crush, he really couldn’t picture himself in such a situation with his best friend. Former best friend. The next words slid off his tongue like the most natural thing in the world. “It was Alexander.”
How strange, yet good, it felt to say it.
This time, El punched him in the shoulder hard enough to bruise. “Get out of here!”
The bartender quirked an eyebrow at them, while rubbing a glass clean. Lyn had a hunch the guy was listening in, but it didn’t bother him.
“The Alexander?” El asked, this time in a lower tone.
“Yes, The Alexander,” Lyn mimicked El’s voice. “You know, I’m starting to regret having told you about my time in college.”
El shrugged. “I’m easy to talk to. So, details.”
“No way. I don’t kiss and tell.”
“I know that, but there should be exceptions. Although, now that I think about it, I shouldn’t be so surprised it was Alexander.”
“How so?” Lyn asked, intrigued by El’s words.
“I mean,” El continued, now that he was on a roll, “that guy must’ve had it for you bad.”
“How do you figure that?” Lyn expressed his amazement.
“I dunno. But from what you told me, he never left you alone. I mean, I wasn’t there, but if I knew the guy was gay when you told me about him, I would’ve connected the dots like this.” El snapped his fingers for show. “Damn, it’s all clear now. He was all over you all the time because he wanted you, and not for those boring intellectual fights you two used to have. Of which I don’t recall details, because, you know, boring for mere mortals.”
“He’s not gay, he’s bi,” Lyn corrected him. “And well, you’re not that wrong in your assessment, although--”
He stopped. What did he want to say? That Alexander hadn’t really wanted him? The guy had put his life on the line, for fuck’s sake.
Ah, damn it. He needed to solve the money issue, and as quickly and painlessly as possible. He had to repay Alexander for buying his mom’s house and saving his future.
But what about the five years of loveless marriage imposed on Alexander? What could Lyn possibly do to repay that?
What did he have of equal value, after all?
“Ah, there’s Mark,” El said, waving wildly. “Sorry, Lyn, I gotta go. But we really need to catch up. You can’t just drop a bomb like that and leave me hanging.” He pressed a quick kiss on Lyn’s cheek and bounced off.
Lyn pinched the bridge of his nose. Could he repay the money without having to contact Alexander directly?
Brad had called. Repeatedly. Relentlessly. But not Alexander.
That had truly been their last goodbye. Lyn felt his chest for a moment. The empty space was opening up again.
“Interested in some rebound sex? Or was that guy really crazy good?” The bartender asked him while examining his glass.
“He was crazy good,” Lyn said, leaving a generous tip on the counter.
***
“Ah, glad I caught you, Lyn.” The receptionist moved rapidly to greet him, as he was heading hurriedly toward the elevator. “Something came for you, and it’s a bit unusual. It’s not business correspondence,” she added, falling in line with him.
Lyn frowned. He had buried himself in work for weeks now, but his overall state could still be described in one word: misery. Since he wasn’t in the habit of ordering mystery packages—
The receptionist held the small brown package, pushing it gently toward him. Lyn’s eyes fell on the messy handwriting indicating that the package was to be handed over to Lynton Calloway, and his heart dropped lower in his chest.
“Thanks, Linda. I know what it is,” he said and accepted the package from her.
The elevator moved at a crawl, while the package seemed so light in his hand.
The older version of him whispered in his ear to find the nearest garbage bin and toss the thing in, without a second thought. But for the first time in days, that sign, like a message in a bottle, reached him on his solitary island, filling him with messy feelings.
Messy feelings were still better than nothing. Moving slowly, Lyn walked out of the elevator and into his office.
He placed the small package on the desk, taking his time to remove his suit jacket and drape it over the back of his chair.
The cardboard packaging tore easily. With hesitant hands, Lyn picked the bent frame out of the bubble wrap, such a weird hilarious afterthought seeing the deplorable state of his old glasses. A lens was no more, but the other was still hanging in there, cracked and smudged.
The memory scraped raw the edges of his mind one more. What was the meaning of this?
He was about to throw the broken glasses back in their packaging when he noticed the slip of paper inside.
The same furious haphazard way of scribbling the letters of the alphabet, no exception.
Check my last voicemail.
Lyn dropped back into his chair, holding the glasses as he turned to face the view from his office, the earnest recognition of all his years of working hard, staying up late, and ignoring all the other parts of himself.
His hand moved for his phone before the thought formed in his mind. He placed it on the desk and hit play.
Brad’s voice filled the empty air of Lyn’s office, halting and unsure at first.
Hi, Lyn.
Ah, damn, this is hard. But I promised myself I wouldn’t chicken out again, so here we go. Since I might have lost you forever anyway.
For the last eight years, I thought of the last time I saw you in college hundreds of times. How badly I messed up. I pushed you away… when, ah, damn, all I wanted was to pull you close.
I know. I’ve never said it. I didn’t ask you back then if you liked me, although I could tell. All the signs were there. But I guess… I didn’t want to hurt you, either. That’s the simple truth, Lyn. I liked you. Yet I had no idea what to do with it.
You were… so close, yet so far away all the time. You and Alexander both.
A pause followed, accompanied soon by a deep sigh.
You and Alexander have always been on the same page. Both of you so damn smart, so bent on taking over the world like it was this big giant puzzle you two thought you might just solve. While I was… on the outside. Always looking in, but knowing I didn’t belong with these two brilliant guys who chose to hang out with me, no idea why.
But he couldn’t tell you how he felt, either. The worst part of me thrived on that. Because it meant he wasn’t perfect, either… not in your eyes or otherwise. Gosh, I have no idea how to say it… but the three of us, we’ve always been so misaligned.
Don’t laugh at me. I looked up the word. I know it fits us.
Another pause, this time longer, making Lyn wonder if the message had reached its end.
Look, I’m not making excuses. But I want you to know that I’m sorry, that I shouldn’t have said all those horrible things about your mom and you.
I’m sending you your broken glasses. Yeah, call me whatever, but I’ve held on to them because they were the last piece of you I had.
I have so much more to say to you. But not like this. In person. There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you since I landed on your doorsteps unannounced the summer break after sophomore year.
Please, Lyn, meet me. One last time. I’ve finally found the courage to make this decision, to tell you everything. If you don’t want anything to do with me anymore after that, that’s fine.
But let me know. Your shitty friend Brad, out.
TBC
And that was the title drop :)
@Derek - Lyn mostly dropped everything and moved on... I didn't detail any of the nitty-gritty, but he really ran away. Brad, despite Lyn's impression of him, is a pretty observant guy. When he happened to be at Lyn's home when Lyn's dad's man pushed that check on him, he overheard enough. Plus, he's the kind who's curious about other people. Lyn's armor wasn't as thick as he believed.
@Buchanan - fitting everything in place... for each story I write that's my torment and my challenge :)
@DavidB - thank you :) The enigma will soon be solved...
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