Truth over Comfort
Inside the beach cottage he shared with Alexander he was allowed to feel happy. But outside of it, the weight of his moral dilemma continued to press down on him. Something told Lyn, a little bird in his ear, that if he insisted hard enough, Alexander would help him, one way or another.
But he didn’t want that help. It would feel like cheating. Would Brad hate him if Lyn told on him? Without a doubt. That wasn’t even a question to consider.
What irked Lyn the most was something else. Was he going to do it because of an inappropriate sense of hurt pride? Did he want to ruin Brad’s future with Bella because of some petty reason he wasn’t brave enough to admit to himself?
“It’s eating at you,” Alexander remarked out loud. There wasn’t any need for other words between them.
Lyn sighed and rubbed his eyes. They were expected at dinner, and that meant he’d face the usual suspects once more. “Yeah, it is. I can count on you to give it to me straight, right?” The grin on Alexander’s face warned him of his unfortunate choice of words. “Come on, you know what I mean.”
“Yes.” Alexander moved closer to him and ruffled his hair, ignoring Lyn’s earlier hard work at brushing it until it shone. “It won’t be easy, and you know it. But you’ve never liked it easy, right?”
He couldn’t contradict Alexander, but this particular challenge wasn’t the usual kind he wanted to tackle. “Frankly, for once in my life, I’d like things to be clear and straightforward so I can just get about my own business.”
“And what business is that?” Alexander was right behind him, now slowly running his fingers through his hair to straighten it again. Lyn liked the way he looked like that, with Alexander playing with his hair.
He tipped his head back so he could look at his friend. “You. You’re my business.”
“Sounds transactional,” Alexander teased him but angled his head to let Lyn reach back and kiss him.
“Maybe it is. I gave you my ass, and you gave me yours. I feel like I’m the winner.”
“Why?” Alexander brushed his lips against Lyn’s mouth slowly.
“Because everyone wants you,” Lyn replied, chasing the kiss and grinning as he understood the game.
“You didn’t want me until a few days ago.”
“I must’ve been blind all these years.” Lyn looked Alexander in the eye. “I shouldn’t have cut you off that time. I was pissed, but that didn’t mean--”
“Don’t worry about it,” Alexander interrupted him. He wrapped his hand around the back of Lyn’s head and kissed him. “I should have chased you down, so we’re even.”
That had to be Alexander playing. In the years they’d left behind them, years they’d spent separated, pursuing their own goals, living their own lives, Alexander had been married and studied hard to become a doctor. He must have had little time or mental energy to spend on a former friend.
“It took Brad and his phony wedding to bring us back together,” Lyn noted out loud.
Alexander’s eyes became unfocused briefly. “Yes, it looks that way.”
Lyn sighed. “I hate the fucker. I mean, I love him just as much – as a friend, don’t give me the evil eye. He’s not going to be happy if he marries a woman he doesn’t love.”
“So, is love necessary for the success of a marriage?” Alexander asked as if he wanted to learn the answer to a million-dollar question.
“Yeah. I mean, I may sound old-fashioned, but that should be the main reason, definitely not an optional one, for two people to take such a big step together.”
Alexander smiled, looking pleased as pie. He embraced Lyn from behind, lifting him off the ground and burying his nose in the crook of Lyn’s shoulder. “So,” he asked, his voice muffled by having his face pressed against Lyn’s back, “you’ve never loved anyone?”
Lyn snorted. He felt a bit like a sack of potatoes, being held like that, but he didn’t mind. “I’ve only had fuck buddies. Haven’t I told you that already?”
“Never a boyfriend, right?”
“Never,” Lyn replied.
Alexander finally put him down. “Until me.” He rested his chin on the top of Lyn’s head, and their eyes met in the mirror.
“Until you,” Lyn said. “But don’t let it go to your head. We’ll see how this works out. Clearly, you must have fucked my brains out, because I’m no longer thinking clearly. Just one thing.” He mustered the courage he needed to ask the question. “If we don’t work out, can we continue to be friends?”
Alexander’s face remained unreadable.
“Can we?” Lyn insisted.
“Let’s see how it works out,” Alexander echoed Lyn’s words.
Some words remained unsaid between them. But Lyn didn’t know what they were. He’d have to think about it, establish with himself why becoming Alexander’s boyfriend didn’t sound like or seem or wasn’t the mistake it should be.
“I really hope he won’t hate me for doing this,” he murmured, running one hand over his face and then keeping it pressed against his mouth.
“If he does, what changes?” Alexander asked.
“Nothing. This is just me hoping, not me deciding not to tell. Oh, fuck,” Lyn added, dropping his head low. “Heaven knows I’ve got secrets of my own and always have had. Tell me, Alexander,” he said, looking up to meet his boyfriend’s eyes in the mirror again, “doesn’t this make me a huge hypocrite? I’ve always hated the mere idea of being exposed and now… I’m going to be the one to expose someone else.”
“Have you cheated on someone?” Alexander asked back.
“No. Even with my fuck buddies, I’ve always kept things clean. My last guy, El, he told me he got a boyfriend. Once I learned that, I warned him I wouldn’t be fucking him again.”
“El, huh? What does he look like?”
“Are you jealous?” Lyn couldn’t help smiling. “Don’t worry. He’s the complete opposite of you. Shorter than me, skinny, pretty…”
Alexander pouted, making Lyn’s heart skip a beat. He wanted to kiss him until they both forgot who they were.
“You’re not pretty; you’re handsome,” Lyn praised him, lifting one hand to caress Alexander’s cheek. “And really, are you derailing the conversation when I have such important issues to deal with?”
“Okay,” Alexander said and wrapped his arms around Lyn again. “You have never cheated on anyone. There’s your answer. You wouldn’t do the shady shit Brad is up to.”
“Tell me you didn’t just use words like ‘shady shit’.”
“They are both words in the English language.”
Lyn snickered, shaking his head.
“It’s good that you want to speak up,” Alexander continued, in a more serious tone. “It’s not the hypocritical thing to do, as you’re worried about. It shows that you’re willing to choose truth over comfort. Will Bradley hate you for ruining his gorgeous wedding? There’s a high probability that may happen. But he won’t hate you forever. He doesn’t have it in him. And in the long run, he’ll know you did the right thing, even if he might never admit it. What do you say? Did I offer the psychological advice you’ve kept begging for without words?”
Lyn watched in the mirror as his own eyes grew wide. “You’re such a sly mofo, Alex baby. Oh, sorry, Alexander.”
“You can call me Alex baby. I’ll allow it.”
“Oh, thank you. How generous of you. But only when we’re alone, right?”
“That’s preferable. To the outside world, I must remain the same intangible, posh asshole I’ve always been.”
“Intangible? But I’m touching you plenty right now.” Lyn moved his arms back and searched for Alexander’s ass blindly.
“That should remain my image to the world. Aren’t you happy I belong only to you?”
Oh, fuck, those puppy eyes. How could he pull that off when an icy glare was his usual MO?
“I believe I am,” Lyn said, surprised at the tenderness in his own voice. “Let’s go,” he added, patting Alexander’s ass, finally finding it. “I have to get Bella alone and warn her she’s not marrying the man she thinks she’s marrying. Wish me luck. She might hate me for it, too.”
***
Lyn could swear Brad’s eyes found him everywhere he went with laser-like accuracy. The looks his old buddy threw at him were something else; they warned, begged and threatened, but Lyn didn’t feel like backing down. His palms were sweaty, and his chest felt heavy. Alexander’s presence, his warm hand on his shoulder grounded him.
Luke didn’t seem to care at all. Should he insist that Bella’s wayward brother confess his sins after all? Lyn shook his head. He had already offered the two culprits the chance to step forward, do the right thing and hope for a reduced sentence by showing that they truly regretted their actions.
There was no regret from either of them.
Dinner, while cheerful and pleasant, crawled at a snail’s pace. Lyn knew his chance would present itself once people started leaving. That was when he’d try to get Bella alone and go through the ordeal of telling her about the whole thing.
“Are you feeling sick, Lyn?” Brad’s mom asked as she passed his chair. She placed one hand on his upper arm in sympathy. “You look really pale.”
“Oh, it’s nothing, just too much sun,” he said quickly. Damn, so many people would be disappointed once the truth came out. “Thank you for asking.” He felt like a damn scumbag as he made an excruciating effort to smile at Mrs. Foster.
“It’s a good thing that we have a doctor among us,” Brad’s mom said, throwing a warm look at Alexander.
“I wouldn’t waste his precious gifts on my inability to wear a hat when walking on the beach at noon,” Lyn said. “Also, he’s a heart doctor, not a specialist in treating sunstroke.”
“An excellent heart doctor,” Mrs. Foster praised Alexander.
Was she just saying that out of politeness or did she know more about Lyn’s boyfriend than Lyn himself? That was a shortcoming he needed to correct.
“Thank you, Mrs. Foster,” Alexander said courteously. “I still have a long way to go, however. Rest assured I won’t miss a single piece of news in my field.”
Again, such words seemed peculiar in Lyn’s ears. Did Alexander like to talk about his work? He’d have to find out. His boyfriend didn’t need to go out of his way to find someone willing to lend him an ear when he wanted to talk about the latest developments in his field.
“You’re such a kind young man. Make sure to keep an eye on Lyn. He tends to neglect himself because he doesn’t want to bother others.”
“I won’t let him out of my sight now that I’ve found him again,” Alexander said.
Lyn put one hand on Alexander’s knee, not to stop him, but in a sudden urge to show his affection. “Actually, Alexander and I--” he began, but an elderly lady interrupted his words and pulled Mrs. Foster away. She left in a hurry, giving them a quick apology.
“What were you doing, Lynton?” Alexander asked in a teasing voice.
“I… ah, well, I suppose it’s a bit silly of me, but I wanted to tell someone. Someone who matters. That we’re boyfriends. Sorry, I should’ve asked your permission first. Am I really in trouble?”
“No,” Alexander said and kissed his temple. “Let’s enjoy dinner.”
“I don’t think I can eat,” Lyn complained. “My stomach is tied up in knots.”
“Don’t force yourself. Watch me eat. I can make it sexy.”
Lyn laughed and felt a little easier. “I guess you can make everything sexy, you demon.”
Alexander chuckled, sending a short shiver down Lyn’s spine, the pleasant kind. “Your demon,” he whispered, and surely, Lyn thought, he knew very well what he was doing.
***
He knew someone was right behind him without having to look. Leaving Alexander to mingle so he could corner at least Brad or Luke if he couldn’t approach Bella alone had left him without a personal bodyguard. A single cold look from Alexander could freeze someone on the spot, no matter who they were. Lyn felt like chuckling as he thought that, but now wasn’t the time, nor the place, for indulging in thinking of his boyfriend instead of focusing on the troublesome matter at hand.
“You haven’t changed your mind, have you?”
The only surprising part was that Luke had been the one following him, and not Brad.
“And what could you possibly mean?” Lyn turned and leaned against the wall, crossing his arms, while taking Luke in.
“Brad says you’re pissed and determined to telling my sister about us.”
Lyn only nodded. He examined Luke, who appeared to be wearing a more serious demeanor than earlier during dinner.
Luke walked slowly, his hands in the pockets of his dress pants – he had made an effort to look presentable for dinner – and circled Lyn, forcing him turn his head to follow him with his eyes.
“Brad says you’re jealous.”
“If you expect me to fall for one of your traps, you’re wrong,” Lyn said calmly. “There’s nothing you can say or do to rile me up.”
Luke moved to stand uncomfortably close. It didn’t catch Lyn unawares because he had been on the receiving end of this young fool’s attempts to intimidate him before.
“There’s this one thing I don’t understand,” Luke continued. The outside lights were strong enough to allow them to see each other. So Bella’s younger brother was free to take in Lyn’s facial features, which he appeared to be strangely interested in observing in the minutest details. “You’re really pretty.”
Lyn snorted. “Why is it so hard to understand? Did Brad tell you that I’ve always been a bookworm with glasses and nerdy t-shirts?”
“He did tell me that,” Luke confirmed. “He also told me that you’ve always been this pretty and had a chip on your shoulder.”
“A what?!” Lyn sputtered.
“Yeah. Like he could never get close to you because you’d shut him down, although he knew how much you cared about him. He told me you were a cold bastard.”
Lyn scoffed and shook his head, closing his eyes for a moment. “What kind of bullshit are you trying to peddle to me now? Let’s just lay our cards down. I used to have a crush on Brad in college. Yes, I was that walking stereotype. Rest assured that I did my best not to inconvenience him with my little, unrequited feelings. If he told you otherwise, he lied to you.”
Despite having told Luke that there was nothing the younger man could do to rile him up, he was getting pretty damn annoyed right now.
Luke appeared to be confused by his outburst. “He didn’t tell me that. He told me that he could never tell with you, what you were really thinking. Because basically, I asked him the moment I saw you why the hell didn’t he hit that?”
Lyn was about to launch into another rant, when a more rational part of him took over. This conversation was too personal to treat as a trivial thing. “And how did he respond to your inane question?”
“He said he didn’t want to take any risks with you. He said that you’ve always been like this beautiful fragile thing he worried he might break by accident.”
“No, no, you’re bullshitting me. Brad wouldn’t use words like ‘beautiful’ and ‘fragile’ when he was talking about me.” He slapped Luke’s chest with the back of his hand. “Your cocksucking friend is a basic bro, just like you. And I know him. He’s been my friend for years.”
“Are you sure? You had no idea he liked having his cock sucked by a basic bro like me,” Luke threw the insult back in his face.
Lyn took one deep breath. It wasn’t like him to lose control like this. “That is true,” he admitted. “But if Brad thought any of the things you mentioned about me, I would’ve known. We were as close as brothers for four years. Whatever game you’re trying to play here, you need to stop. It won’t change my mind. Tell Brad, since you’re so close to him, that I have no intention of letting him off the hook. If neither of you steps up, I will have no choice.”
Luke snorted. “That’s bullshit. You have the choice to say nothing.”
Lyn pursed his lips. “I have no intention of hurting him. But living a lie – this lie – will hurt him anyway. And let’s not gloss over the person who’ll be suffering the most if all of us keep silent: your sister. Tell me there’s a reason, a real reason why you’re doing this to her, so I don’t think you’re a complete bastard. Are you in love with Brad?”
Luke pulled away as if someone had burned him with a hot iron. “What the hell, dude? No way.”
Lyn grabbed the younger man’s arm since he looked like he was ready to run away. “If it’s a secret you’d rather keep, that’s fine. But despite the fucked up situation you’ve dragged me into and how mad you made me by doing so, I promise you: I will keep your secret.”
Luke shook Lyn’s hand off. “There’s no fucking secret. Only beautiful, fragile boys like you can afford that kind of shit.”
He was too fast to keep from getting away. Lyn tried to follow him, his irritation off the charts now, when he noticed someone else coming from the opposite direction.
“Lyn, hey,” Bella said in a bright, breezy tone. “Sorry to bother you, but you kept looking at me during dinner, and I got the feeling you wanted to talk.”
A sharp jolt raced down his back and settled in his stomach like a block of ice.
“Yes,” he said, determined to get this over with so he could return to this normal and pleasant situation with Alexander. “I want to talk to you about Brad.”
“What about him?” Bella asked, her eyes open and inviting. “Wait, is this about his all too weird energy lately?” She waved it off like she was way too familiar with Brad and his whims and moods. “I know all about that. I’ve been through so much with him in the past, and I know I won’t be able to tell you anything surprising about your best friend, but I’ve learned what he needs.”
Lyn felt the words getting stuck in his throat. He had to know more now. “And what does he need?” he asked, forcing his tone to remain as neutral as possible.
“Someone to take the lead, to be in charge, all that. Someone to encourage him so he doesn’t end up spiraling into doubt. I am that someone. Well, I don’t want to sound that conceited, but it’s true. He’s getting cold feet, I know. And I told him that I’ve never been surer in my life about anything else, and I can get us both through this on my own if that’s what he needs.” Bella touched his arm. “Please, Lyn, don’t think for a moment that I’m stealing your best friend from you.”
“You’re not,” Lyn assured her.
“Weddings are tough,” Bella added, mostly to herself. “Honestly, I can barely wait for it to be over. I can and will handle the pressure, but I won’t lie; I’ll be damn happy once it’s all in the past.”
“But--” Lyn started, the moments of hesitation gathering together like raindrops on a roof.
“He’s the one for me,” Bella said. Her smile faded for a moment. “As corny as it may sound, I can tell he’s the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. He’s seen it all. And he’s fine with it.” She chuckled nervously for a moment. “Don’t make me explain what ‘all’ means. It’s mortifying enough that one other person knows. And I’m marrying him so I can make sure he can never tell. You’re a lawyer,” she added in a playful tone. “Spouses aren’t allowed to tell where the bodies are buried, right? Or did I get that all wrong?”
The legal implications of presumptive criminal acts weren’t on Lyn’s mind right now. But what he read in Bella’s eyes, the sadness combined with hope, made his tongue turn to lead in his mouth.
Don’t ruin this for me.
What did Alexander say? That it wasn’t hypocritical to choose truth over comfort? But how was he supposed to deal with what he saw written on Bella’s face – that wish he knew so well, the wish of not wanting to hear more bad news?
“Thank you for worrying about us.” She pushed herself up a smidge and kissed him on the cheek. “I hope we will become great friends, too.”
Someone was calling her name, so she let go.
“See you later, Lyn. Don’t worry; I got this. For Brad and myself both.”
Some great friend he’d make, Lyn thought as he watched her walking away. His chest was heavy once again, the unspoken words a hardened lump against his ribs.
TBC
Thank you for reading! Happy New Year!
@Derek - that was indeed, sweet in a way... I had to balance the bitterness.
@DavidB - thank you so much!
@Buchanan - it will be revealed, I promise!
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