Before We Say ‘I Do’
“I feel like such a fool,” Lyn murmured while Alexander massaged his shoulders. “Why couldn’t I tell her?”
“Because you’re a good person,” Alexander said. “You knew you’d hurt her and hesitated. It’s all understandable.”
“You only say that because you like me,” Lyn said and rolled onto his back to welcome Alexander into his arms. “I’m a coward, that’s what I am. Why would you like a coward, A?”
“Did you just reduce me to a single letter?”
“Do you hate it?” Lyn moved his fingers over Alexander’s ear, tracing its lovely shape. He liked doing this, touching his boyfriend everywhere, mapping him out so he could remember him even in the moments they were apart.
He had detailed his entire conversation with Bella but left out his interaction with Luke. The young man had been about to confess some terrible truths about himself, and Lyn didn’t want to expose the punk to Alexander’s precise scalpel.
“You and Brad used to have secrets,” he started.
His eyes went wide. For a moment, he thought he saw a shadow of doubt on his lover’s handsome face.
“You did,” he whispered.
“Nothing that you’d find remotely interesting,” Alexander assured him, but Lyn wasn’t convinced in the slightest.
“That’s not for you to say.” Lyn sighed and closed his eyes. “Did he ever tell you anything weird about me?”
“Define weird,” Alexander said. His fingers moved slowly over Lyn’s collarbone.
“Like… I’m a beautiful fragile thing or something stupid like that.”
“Nothing stupid like that,” came the prompt reply.
“I thought so.” Lyn rolled onto one side, placing one hand under his head and staring at the opposite wall. “What about me having a chip on my shoulder?”
“Not in those words.”
“What?” Lyn’s head snapped in Alexander’s direction, meeting his eyes. “When have I ever acted like I was better than he is?”
“You are better than he is.”
“That’s not what I asked you, Alexander.”
“Ah, I see what you mean when you feel annoyed by me calling your full name. You’re scolding me.”
Lyn sighed and went back to studying the naked wall. “As I should. Why did he think that? I’ve always tried to be a good friend.”
“No, you haven’t.”
“Oh, great, now you’re making me look like I’m the villain in this story.”
Alexander continued to caress his shoulder and pressed a small kiss on it. “You’ve only ever tried to be the perfect friend. Not a good friend. That is what I’m saying.”
“You make it sound like a bad thing.”
“It is. You’ve always focused so much on yourself that there was little room left for anyone else.”
Was Alexander right? Lyn stayed silent as he turned those words on all sides in his head while munching on his lower lip.
“Did both of you feel that way?”
“Yes. We did.”
“What the fuck?” Lyn whispered. The frustration growing inside him was real. “But I’ve always tried so hard. Damn it, no wonder he’s so pissed at me now. I must look like I’m sticking my nose in where it doesn’t belong. Why didn’t you ever say anything to me? You always cut to the bone. Why spare me this truth?”
Alexander moved his lips slowly between Lyn’s shoulder blades, making him tremble. “You’ve always been aloof and beautiful. That’s who you are.”
“Oh, screw you,” Lyn protested. “And calling me beautiful, really? I thought that part wasn’t true.”
“When talking about Bradley. Not myself.”
Lyn puffed out his cheeks and then groaned. “So, he thinks I’m fragile and you think I’m aloof. Why were you two even friends with me then? What did I give you to make you want me?”
“That’s a complex question,” Alexander warned him. His fingers painted lovely patterns on Lyn’s naked back. “When you give something, you give completely, Lyn. Bradley knows that, too. Do you think just anyone else would’ve put up with his lack of interest in academic pursuits the way you did? You carried him through college, and he never denied that.”
“Yeah, but that’s--” Lyn didn’t know what to say.
“And you have these strong beliefs. Once someone is good in your eyes, only something earth-shattering can change your view. You saw him as this great person, this amazing guy, right? While I was your demon. Always your demon.”
The tinge of regret in Alexander’s voice made him hurt in a bittersweet way.
“Don’t say it like that. You know I love you. Just as I love him,” he added quickly as soon as he realized his mistake.
“Best friends forever and all that?” Alexander taunted him.
A door was closing somewhere, and Lyn rushed to put his foot in it. He turned to face Alexander and grabbed his cheeks hard. “You’re more than that. You’re my boyfriend now. So you two are not the same. Not anymore.”
“We’ve never been the same in your eyes,” Alexander reminded him, his eyes still wistful, yet gentle.
“That was nothing but a stupid crush. It’s funny, you know? Ever since I came here, thinking of how tormented I thought I’d feel watching him with the woman he loved, about to get married… nothing has worked out the way I imagined. You took it all away. With your teasing, your insistence, this crazy thing we’re doing.” Lyn pressed his lips against Alexander’s in what he meant to be an apologetic kiss. “So you know? I can’t stop thinking. Maybe it was never real, this little crush of mine. It was just… the safe thing to do. To keep on dreaming about a guy I could never have. So I never got hurt.”
“Wow.” Alexander grinned. “Are you sure you’re not about to break into hives from too much honesty, Lynton?”
Lyn rolled his eyes. “For real now. Just take this win and shut up already, you demon.”
“I will.” Alexander moved closer and helped Lyn’s leg over his thigh. “My win tastes like heaven,” he added and brought his lips down over Lyn’s mouth in a searing kiss.
It was a beautiful thing to say. Alexander wasn’t the swooning type. He was practical and definitely not a romantic, yet even he could say a thing like that. Lyn wanted to encase this moment in an exquisite box and keep it forever.
The moment Alexander had surrendered to him in the most unapologetic way.
Making love had become so easy. Alexander only had to nudge against him, and Lyn opened. With his handsome demon on top, Lyn knew deep in his bones that the world could go fuck itself and nothing would matter.
These moments were theirs. They came together like two halves of a whole. Maybe if he hadn’t been so obsessed with the necessity of crushing on Brad, he might have noticed this thing they could have had sooner.
It wasn’t too late. Alexander moved inside him, reminding his body that the sting and the pain were only promises of the pleasure to come. It felt right. Yes, he liked working for it, earning it, and Alexander was the best companion he could hope for.
The perfect companion. As much as perfection was a bad thing in Alexander’s book, according to his own words, Lyn knew very well that they both craved it. It was the code they lived by.
The same code they made love by, too.
“Fuck, like that,” he whispered soft encouragements as Alexander pushed his cock inside him, over and over.
So good and right. Lyn could abandon himself in Alexander’s arms. He’d never felt at home, not in the crumbling Victorian house that had once belonged to his mother, not at the expensive penthouse he now lived in as a successful lawyer, not anywhere else.
Maybe being at Brad’s house and living there for a while could compete with this feeling.
But this wasn’t the same thing. That had been temporary and he’d known it.
This, on the other side, could be forever.
***
“Does he really need us for this?” Lyn asked in a low voice, as he followed Alexander closely.
“He wants our opinion. It’s tradition. Probably,” Alexander suggested, turning his head. “Stop hiding behind me.”
“Didn’t I tell you I’m a total coward?” Lyn complained but moved up to walk by Alexander’s side.
Brad had asked them to see how great he looked in his bridegroom clothes on the day before the wedding. Lyn had a hard time believing that the days had passed so quickly, but here they were.
And Bella still didn’t know. And Lyn was still a coward.
“You’re allowed to be a coward when it comes to other people’s problems. It’s a lot of responsibility. What if you get it all wrong?” Alexander said.
“Geez, thanks. I mean, if I wasn’t anxious enough about the whole thing, now I’m better. Better at being anxious, that is.”
“After you,” Alexander offered gallantly, holding the door for Lyn.
“You’re enjoying this way too much,” Lyn reproached but walked in without another word.
***
Brad was in front of the mirror, grimacing and making faces. Lyn observed him from a few paces away while Alexander leaned against the door, distancing himself perhaps from all the drama.
“How do I look?” Brad asked, without turning to face either of his friends.
Luke wasn’t present. That did and didn’t surprise Lyn at the same time. But whose idea had that been? Had Luke decided it was asking too much of him to admire his future brother-in-law in his groom clothes? Or had Brad finally found an ounce of shame somewhere in his shameless mind that apparently ruled his whole life?
“You look good,” Lyn said, forcing the words through his teeth.
“Just good?” Brad quirked an eyebrow, meeting Lyn’s eyes in the mirror. “Not fantastic?”
“You look fantastic,” Lyn said without enthusiasm.
“By the way, I wanted to thank you for still being my friend,” Brad added, tugging at the sleeves and examining his jacket. It fit him perfectly. “For not telling Bella. I assume His Majesty knows everything.”
Lyn nodded briefly. “The only thing that stopped me from telling her was realizing that I might hurt her gratuitously right before the wedding. You really have her wrapped around your little finger, don’t you?”
Brad snorted. “You make me out to be this bad guy you’ve never met before in your life. It’s me, Lyn, what the hell?” He leaned forward, narrowing his eyes and brushing some invisible lint off his lapel.
“Yeah, it’s you. And since I know you,” Lyn said, walking closer and placing his hands on Brad’s shoulders, “I also know you’ll do the right thing. You’ll be the one to tell her. As you should.”
Brad shook him off, showing his irritation. “What good will that do? And I won’t be doing that thing with Luke again anyway.”
“That doesn’t just wipe it away clean,” Lyn continued. “You’d never hurt anyone, Brad, so why would you hurt her?”
“That’s where you’re wrong, Lyn baby. I wouldn’t and I won’t. By keeping silent about a little thing like that. Seriously, can you even imagine that conversation? Geez, babe, you know, I used to enjoy getting head from your baby brother. You’re still better, by the way.”
Lyn smacked Brad’s shoulder hard. “Is everything a joke with you?”
Brad shrugged and smiled. How could he still smile like everything was right in the world? “Well, Lyn, as wise people have said before us, life’s a bitch, and then you die. Why sweat the little things? By the way, Your Majesty,” he asked, leaning back to take a good look at Alexander, “the cat got your tongue or something? I thought you’d both be grilling me like freaking FBI.”
“Decisions make the man, Bradley. They’re all yours. Far be it from me to influence them in any way.” Alexander’s voice was pleasantly cool. Breezy, even. Lyn stole a look at his boyfriend. He was as serene as ever.
“Funny you say that. I remember quite distinctly how you used to do that. Influence my decisions, that is.” The last words came out a low hiss, unlike Brad at all.
Secrets between them. Lyn vividly remembered the way Alexander had brushed off the mere idea as if it didn’t matter. It mattered to Brad, it seemed.
Well, it was between the two of them. There was still time to convince Brad to do the right thing, so he needed to kick his efforts into high gear.
“What if she finds out later? She’ll be madder at you for not coming clean when you had the chance. When she wasn’t married to you yet,” Lyn continued.
Brad scrunched up his nose in an expression Lyn used to consider cute.
“She won’t find out. Unless you tell her. Are you still on about that? Some friend you are.” Brad tsked in annoyance.
“I am your friend,” Lyn insisted. “That’s why I’m telling you all of this. Because you’re not the kind of guy to keep a secret like this from the person you love.”
“You have no idea what kind of guy I am. I bet you have no idea what kind of guy your fuck buddy over there is, either.”
Lyn froze for a moment. How could Brad tell? Or was it just a word he’d thrown out randomly?
“Alexander is not my fuck buddy,” he said in a measured tone.
Again, his eyes clashed with Brad’s in the mirror. “Really? You two have been going at it like rabbits since day one. Do you think I’m blind or something? But you know, unlike you, I didn’t say anything. I didn’t reproach you--”
“What would you even have to reproach?” Lyn expressed his indignation as soon as he got over the initial shock. “We’re not promised to other people. We’re not hurting anyone.”
“Oh, sure,” Brad said. He threw Alexander a look over his shoulder. “Still so silent, Your Majesty. I see. I suppose you’ve been too busy fucking your college crush’s brains out to talk. No, not crush. Obsession. Right?”
Lyn groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Stop picking on Alexander just because you’re uncomfortable being told to stop misbehaving. And he’s not my fuck buddy. He’s my boyfriend, just so you know.”
To his surprise, Brad let out a dry laugh. “Boyfriend. Wow, that’s progress.”
“Why would you even say that I was Alexander’s crush--”
“Obsession. I know what I’m talking about. Ask him,” Brad taunted Lyn.
Lyn grimaced as he felt the collar of his shirt getting tight. He tugged at it briefly. This wasn’t the time to ponder over how Brad had seen right through his and Alexander’s attempts to keep their relationship a secret. What else had Brad known? Always known? “Stop deflecting. We were talking about you. I’m still on the fence, by the way. I still want to let Bella know she might be making a big mistake. But you’re lucky that I want you to be the one to tell her a lot more.”
“Give up on that idea, Lyn. It’s not going to happen. You should be happy for me. Why the hell are you such an asshole? What happened to the guy who thought I could do no wrong?”
Strangely, Lyn could read real pain behind Brad’s words.
“You’re a fucking jerk,” Brad added bitterly.
“Bradley, watch that mouth,” Alexander warned.
“Or what?” Brad turned abruptly on his heel. He pushed Lyn away and stalked over to Alexander. “Are you going to punch me in the face like you did that time?”
Lyn’s throat was desert dry. Swallowing didn’t help; it only made the imaginary knot inside it grow bigger. That must have happened back then. The punching. He had left running, without one look back, leaving his friends behind, the ones he’d thought would belong to him forever, and the only truly beautiful life he’d ever known.
“Let me tell you something about your precious boyfriend, Lyn,” Brad began, his eyes still fixed on Alexander. “He’s quick to judge everyone else, but he’s nothing but a manipulative bastard.”
“You’re being unfair, and you know it,” Lyn said.
Alexander seemed tense now, and the last thing this trainwreck needed was the groom and one of his best friends to start throwing punches at each other.
He grabbed Brad’s arm, determined to pull him back. But Brad didn’t budge.
“Ask him, Lyn,” Brad said in a low, menacing voice. “I know he doesn’t have it in him to lie to you. But you need to ask him.”
“Ask him what? Stop this charade,” Lyn said.
“Ask him,” Brad continued, leaning forward to get in Alexander’s face, “about how he so carefully convinced me that you were too straight to even try to get into your pants for fun if not for something serious.”
“Excuse me, what?” Lyn asked. His hand dropped from Brad’s arm. “Alexander, please set this fool straight already.”
“He can’t,” Brad taunted. “I told him I might like you more than a friend, but I didn’t want to get you to fool around in case that ruined our friendship and all. And he told me,” he laughed humorlessly, “that I’d have a better chance at winning the lottery. Although I knew you had a crush on me. And I knew you might say yes.”
“You were easy to convince,” Alexander said in an ice-cold tone, jolting Lyn out of his stupefaction.
“What are you saying?” Lyn whispered. “Alexander, is this true?” He had been focused on Brad this whole time and was only now looking at Alexander properly. And Alexander kept staring at Brad, engaged in a silent battle of wills, leaving Lyn out of it because of their secrets from long ago.
“Yeah, it’s true,” Brad replied instead. “He couldn’t stand the idea of anyone else having you. Tell me this isn’t fucked up.”
“Alexander,” Lyn said, his voice low and full of hurt, “tell me it’s not true, and I’ll believe you over Brad.”
The cold blue eyes gave nothing away as they set on him. “I can’t tell you that. It’s true. I did that.”
“Because you had a crush on me yourself?” Lyn asked, searching the face he thought he knew so well. Alexander had been so… always so provocative, right? Always so earnest in proving his mettle in all their confrontations. That wasn’t how people with a crush acted. Was it?
“It wasn’t a crush. It was serious. It has always been serious,” Alexander replied, without showing one trace of remorse. “It has always been you for me.”
Staggering. Blinding. A tremor began at the tips of his fingers, destabilizing him. Control was an illusion. Lyn took a step back without even realizing it.
“Then you should have just told me!” Lyn surprised even himself with his angry shout. He couldn’t understand what was going on anymore. He focused on his anger, pulling himself back from the spiral taking him down, down, down. “It wasn’t your call to make who I’d choose. Why did you do it? To protect me?”
“And myself,” Alexander replied, nodding shortly, his eyes fixed on Lyn.
Now that he looked more closely, he could see there was sweat on Alexander’s upper lip and his pupils had dilated behind his glasses. He still kept up the pretense. Because they had an audience? Or because he couldn’t afford to break down?
Lyn ran one hand through his hair. “This… all of this… I need to think about it.” He couldn’t afford to break down in front of an audience, either.
It had to be a nasty dream. Brad… liking him more than as a friend? Back then? How had he missed all the signs? Why had Brad gone to Alexander with this?
“You know what the worst part of it was?” Brad continued. “I trusted Alexander to tell me the truth. Not to lie to my face, and then use fucking everything he had, his money, his connections, his fucking family to get ahead, to be your fucking hero when I couldn’t!”
Lyn was too shocked to even process these last words. Hero? What hero?
The door opened abruptly, pushing Alexander out of the way.
Lyn found himself face to face with Bella. The wild look on her face told him everything before he even had the chance to form the thought in his brain.
She tore her attention away from him and looked directly at Brad. Lyn winced as her slap echoed off her future ex-fiancé’s face in a heartbeat.
“How could you, Brad?” she growled. “After everything you told me, about who we are and what we’ll be? How can you ruin us like this?”
Brad caught his cheek and looked stunned like someone awakened from a dream too abruptly. His eyes fell on Lyn. They narrowed to slits.
“I can’t believe it, you fucking asshole. You told her.”
Lyn didn’t react as Brad’s fist shot out toward his face. He only felt pain and then the sensation of wetness. His hand came down bloodied after he brought it up automatically, even as he wobbled on his feet.
“Don’t you dare touch him,” Alexander grunted and seized Brad’s shoulder.
Brad went down like a crash test dummy. Alexander towered over him, his fist clenched, looking like he was about to destroy Brad.
Was this his hero?
“Oh my god, Lyn!” Bella exclaimed, hurrying toward him. “It wasn’t Lyn who told me, you jerk!” she threw over her shoulder while she searched frantically for a tissue in her purse.
“Get the fuck away from me,” Brad shouted as Alexander grabbed him again. “You and your boyfriend, two fucking traitors!” He managed to land a punch, too.
Lyn took a step forward to break them up. Bella moved at the same time as he did, looking like she was about to say something.
“Lyn wasn’t the one who told her,” another voice broke into the chaos. “It was me.”
All eyes in the room turned to stare at Luke, whose face looked sallow and drawn. And older.
TBC
Thank you for reading! And I know how I'm leaving you... But you should know me by now :)
@Derek - I know I've been keeping Brad quite opaque until now... but he will reveal himself. This story is about him to a degree, as well.
@DavidB - I understand the feeling :) But there are still a handful of chapters until the end.
@Buchanan - thank you :) Brad showed his vulnerable self here.
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