What Are You Afraid Of?
Their little get-together didn’t go as planned at all. Alexander had managed to piss Brad off – which was an accomplishment, as Brad wasn’t the sort to hold grudges and didn’t get upset easily – and even he, Lyn, had said unpleasant things as if he wanted to ruin everything.
As much as Lyn disliked the idea, for Brad, his two friends from college came as a package deal. If Alexander got too bored with their little vacation and decided to leave, that would make things uncomfortable. Lyn couldn’t shake off the feeling of guilt that was starting to take over his mind.
To let things cool off a bit, he had walked slowly so Alexander would get to their temporary home first. But he needed to make things better, apologize, do everything he could to re-establish peace and balance.
Lyn snorted as he found his way to the door. Theirs had always been a fragile balance, right? He might have decided to ignore the signs, but they had always been there. Alexander had always behaved like he couldn’t care less if his friends remained his friends. Brad could always steer away from their little group, since so many people wanted him in their midst because of his good looks and easygoing personality. And Lyn had strived, desperately at times, to keep all three of them together, by working to have either Brad or Alexander forget a misplaced word or a downright insult. It had been so exhausting, and that hadn’t changed if tonight was any indication of the state of affairs between them.
He tried to strut in casually, as if he didn’t intend to have a long and taxing conversation with Alexander about the importance of friendship. No, he had to be careful not to sound cringe or pathetic. Lying, even the diplomatic kind, was a no-go in Alexander’s book.
The cottage was dark, making Lyn wonder for a moment if his old friend had chosen to spend the night somewhere else. He breathed a sigh of relief as he noticed that his roommate was in the living room, staring at the TV, which was currently turned off. Alexander’s partial silhouette against the moonlit window told Lyn as much.
“Ah, damn it,” he said and walked over to Alexander. “Are you really that pissed at me? Enough to stare at nothing?” Humor was one way to deal with the demon. It usually worked.
“I’m not staring at nothing. I’m thinking. And there’s not enough light from outside for you to tell I was staring.”
“Okay, you little prickly fucker.” Lyn tapped Alexander’s leg to make room for himself on the sofa. “I admit it. I am the asshole. But I did say that you deserved your scholarship. I even admitted that you were better than me. Doesn’t that count?” He placed his hand on Alexander’s knee to show his good intentions.
When Alexander covered it with his hand, he thought it was because his touch was too annoying. But the long skillful fingers wrapped around his, holding them tightly. It felt strange, as if this simple touch was more intimate than the things they had done so far, like touching each other’s cocks and even blowing each other.
Intimacy eluded Lyn, and he’d be the first to admit it. Sex wasn’t a big deal, because he could handle it. But this, the complications that came from interacting with another human being, always dumbfounded him and made him feel like he would always be inadequate.
“It does count. So I will tell you now why I kept my scholarship.”
“You don’t have to,” Lyn said, while resting his head on Alexander’s shoulder cautiously. With Brad, physical expressions of their friendship came easily. Lyn could only hope that this version of Alexander that was open to handjobs and blowjobs would agree to the closeness without becoming uncomfortable.
No protests came, which meant they were good.
“I don’t have to, but I will,” Alexander said in an implacable tone. “That scholarship was the only thing that was mine.”
For anyone not knowing Alexander, the clinical tone used to say those words would fool them into believing that he could very well be talking about someone else. But for Lyn, only the act itself – that Alexander was confessing something as intimate as that – was damn huge. He only worried he might not be able to hold his breath for as long as Alexander needed to get this off his chest.
“The rest was as you know. I had everything handed to me. Everything but that.”
Lyn knew better than to interrupt. He remained silent, his hand still gripped by Alexander’s larger one. Although it would be hard to admit it to himself, he was enjoying it a bit too much – that touch.
“My grandfather called it ‘performative austerity’.”
“Wow,” Lyn let out, hoping his little intervention wouldn’t annoy Alexander. “That’s rough.”
Alexander let out a soft snort. “My father looked at me like he expected nothing less of me. I was another trophy on his wall, I suppose. The perfect son was the minimum I could give him. As for my mother, well, she thought I was trying to prove a point. And yes, she was the closest to the truth.”
“What point was that?” Lyn asked, as Alexander didn’t continue for several moments.
“That I could truly accomplish something on my own. My family didn’t lavish donations on the school, so I didn’t have to worry all the time about their intervention and people’s innate desire to please the hand that feeds them. I did worry that my name alone might make some of the professors believe that they could secure certain benefits by treating me unfairly.”
The meaning of those words wasn’t lost on Lyn. Brad had told him once that he had witnessed Alexander arguing with a professor about a certain paper; apparently, Alexander had sent the wrong draft by accident, and the draft didn’t deserve the perfect grade he got on it. He was insisting on submitting the updated version, but the professor, most likely very busy, didn’t want to take it.
He understood, though. Alexander was fair to a fault. His ingrained desire for justice started with himself. As reluctant as he might have been to admire the guy in college, Lyn had to admit that there weren’t many people like that in the world. Maybe Alexander’s unpleasant personality was there to balance the actual great person he was in other respects.
“I didn’t care about the money itself. I admit that. I haven’t experienced scarcity in my life, and I will not pretend I can wholly understand what someone less fortunate than me goes through as they have to deal with financial strain. It was about control.”
Lyn felt a tug in his chest, familiar in its intensity and sharpness. He knew a thing or two about control. He knew a lot of things about control.
“So the scholarship was that for me. If I could earn it, I could keep it. Mine. All mine.”
“I get it,” Lyn blurted out without thinking. He stopped, not knowing if Alexander would think he was just trying to play nice to earn forgiveness for how he’d been a prick earlier tonight.
“I know,” Alexander replied. “That’s what makes things so damn difficult.”
Lyn disentangled himself from Alexander’s side. “Hey, do you want to go out to dinner with me? Or would you prefer I fix something in the kitchen for both of us? I checked the pantry and the fridge. They’re well stock for how small they are.”
He was talking too much. His fingertips tingled, and he didn’t know why. There was something suffocating in learning too much, too quickly, about Alexander and the way his mind worked. Lyn needed time to process it, to integrate it into the picture of Alexander as he knew him. And for that, he needed to be alone for a moment. He hoped he’d get a positive answer on his offer to prepare dinner.
“Do as you wish.”
Lyn hated those words. They made him feel at a loss, like he didn’t even deserve to be told what to do. They meant dismissal, in his book. In Alexander’s, he wasn’t so sure, but his first instinct was the same, to react as if—
“I do have a strong wish to taste your cooking,” Alexander added, stopping Lyn from spiraling in self-doubt.
“Great. I’ll let you know that I’m a bit of a cook. In other words, you won’t be risking food poisoning.”
“Good to know. Can I join you in the kitchen later?”
The kitchen and living room basically shared a space. It was a funny thing to ask, and Lyn also thought that he’d concealed his desire to get away from Alexander pretty well.
“Only if you promise not to kiss the cook while he’s handling dangerous utensils.”
Alexander chuckled. “That’s tough. I might not be able to control myself.”
“Why? Aren’t you all about control?” Lyn teased, to show that he didn’t judge Alexander in any way for his earlier confessions.
“Apparently not when you’re involved,” Alexander said in a tone that sounded nothing short of accusatory.
***
They ate in silence, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. Despite the way their friendship had been cut short eight years ago, they had returned to it easily, putting it on like an old coat. Lyn enjoyed the feeling. Of all the times in his life, despite his fear of the outside world and how it would perceive him, he knew that he’d been at his best in college. Everything had been possible then. Life could turn out a million different ways.
“So, your cooking is basically the knowledge of putting together a sandwich,” Alexander said.
He seemed to be his usual self, after the confession from earlier. Lyn observed him, taking note of the handsome face and all the little details that had changed over the years. His eyes had fine lines at their corners, deeper when he laughed. His mouth had somehow managed to become even more sensual – an aspect Lyn had noted in passing in the past. The lanky young man was gone, transformed into a man with muscles everywhere. It was difficult not to stare. With a guy as handsome as his friend, Lyn felt as if he had laser vision and could see through clothes. To escape the unnerving effect Alexander’s good looks had on him, he pretended to stare at a picture on the opposite wall, a small piece of artwork to complement the rest of the furniture.
“I didn’t lie. I said I was a bit of a cook. This is what ‘a bit’ means.” He gestured at his sandwich.
“Spoken like a true lawyer. I wonder what you’re going to say to get out of it.”
“It?” Lyn asked, quirking an eyebrow.
Alexander gave him a long and suggestive once-over. It had never crossed Lyn’s mind how it would feel to have the famous cold fish stare at him this way. His attention had been trained on Brad alone – maybe a little too much – and this—
“Do you want a blowjob?” he asked, putting his sandwich aside. “I’ll be right back. I just need to take a quick shower.”
Alexander treated things with a clinical detachment, and that hadn’t changed. Lyn hoped he was rising to the occasion. Since no answer ensued, as if none was needed, he made a beeline for the bathroom. Under the pretext that he needed to wash, he’d take the time to strategize going forward.
***
It was just sex. For obscure reasons, Alexander wanted it from him. The explanation could be straightforward. If he had to defend the recent divorcee – was it recent, though? – he would tell anyone that it was more comfortable, less prone to complications for Alexander to use his gay friend to get over it.
What if he hadn’t told Alexander about his sexuality? Obviously, the news hadn’t shocked Lyn’s old pal.
He stopped inches away from Alexander, who sat on the sofa in the living room, with the lights on this time, wearing nothing but an impenetrable expression on his face. Lyn felt the familiar itch in his shorts. The asshole looked delicious. Men and women would want him for sure, much more than Lyn. They would be more honest in their pursuit, but it wasn’t like he was pretending this was more than sex, so no one could hold it against him.
Alexander’s relaxed pose wasn’t fooling him. He had his arms thrown casually over the back of the sofa, and his legs were spread, allowing Lyn an unimpeded view of what lay between them. The snake was definitely awake, and Lyn made a futile attempt to examine it with professional detachment. Like most people, he had a tell when he saw something he liked. Before he could stop himself, he brushed his right thumb over his bottom lip.
The glint of triumph in Alexander’s eyes only served to annoy him.
“You didn’t finish your sandwich,” Alexander said, his lips as always curling into a smirk.
“I wasn’t that hungry.”
“It looks to me like you’re eager to put something in your mouth, though,” Alexander teased him mercilessly.
Lyn moved closer, between Alexander’s knees, making room for himself. “Do you want me to suck your cock or not? Making fun of me won’t help your cause.”
Alexander pulled him near. His long fingers were hot on Lyn’s skin, and it was impossible to say if he had ever had a lover who managed to trigger such an intense reaction in him with just a simple touch. Lyn was worried; if he let Alexander get under his skin, he’d only end up hurt. Wasn’t his tight control specifically about that? He didn’t bottom because he feared what it would mean to him, to let go and show all his ugly parts to someone who might very well not want him.
He grabbed Alexander’s wrists to control his friend’s movements. “You know,” he said in a calm voice that was a pain to achieve, “I never pegged you for a guy who’d be into foreplay. And your cock is hard already. Can we skip the… whatever you have in mind?”
A devilish grin painted Alexander’s sensual mouth. “You don’t know what I have in mind.”
Lyn gasped in outrage as Alexander executed a fluid grappling maneuver on him and pinned him on the sofa, easily climbing on top. It was impossible to fight the asshole from that position, and Lyn felt his heart beating faster. But this wasn’t like other times, when he had to struggle to get out of a sticky situation with a partner who thought he knew Lyn better than Lyn knew himself.
Alexander was between his legs, pressing his naked erection against Lyn’s crotch.
“Uncomfortable?” Alexander asked, without concealing his triumph.
It would be easy enough to push Alexander away, get mad, and show him that he wasn’t some toy to be played with. But that would make him a coward. After all, what was the worst that could happen? Lyn weighed his options in silence while staring at his opponent.
“I bet you’ve made a lot of women swoon doing this sort of stuff to them,” he teased mercilessly.
Alexander seemed to consider his words. “I don’t mind you being on top.”
Lyn didn’t bother to protest when Alexander moved to the other end of the couch to lie on his back while bringing him to straddle his midsection.
“I think I like it even better this way,” Alexander said in a voice so soft that Lyn couldn’t believe it could belong to the one friend he had always considered cold and unfeeling.
Temptation came with heartache, as he knew so well. But staring at Alexander like this, taking in his handsome face, the way his eyes shone with a deep fire that Lyn was sure – it couldn’t be otherwise – that the demon didn’t often show, were enough to convince him that he wanted a taste of whatever this was. He was a successful lawyer; he was thirty years old. He could handle a dangerously alluring man and forget about him the following day.
So he lowered his head, breaking eye contact only once he couldn’t hold it anymore for practical reasons. He kissed Alexander hard at first, expecting a fight to break out between them, dictated by their shared past. But the full lips were compliant under his attack, throwing him off balance for a moment. He didn’t have to coax Alexander into opening his mouth and accepting him.
It was a kiss so sweet it had to be the kind to break your heart. Damn, he hated being sentimental.
Lyn deepened it, taking his time to explore the velvet inside of Alexander’s mouth. Too busy to get to the main course with his usual fuck buddies, he’d use kissing only as a mere appetizer. Now he took his time, tempted to make a meal out of it.
Alexander’s hands moved slowly across his back. They stopped right above the elastic band of his shorts, making Lyn wonder if his unusual bed partner had just discovered a shy side of himself. No, that wasn’t it. The nimble fingers moved past that boundary and pushed Lyn’s shorts down. This wasn’t the playful touch of a lover bent on igniting his partner’s desire. Alexander’s hands were firm and settled easily for kneading Lyn’s buttocks with obvious intent.
“Are you an ass man?” Lyn asked, reluctantly pulling away from their kiss.
“Not particularly,” came the obnoxious reply.
“Right,” Lyn said dryly. “I should know better than try to figure you out.”
“I’m simpler than you think.”
“So you say.” Lyn stopped dead in his tracks as he felt Alexander’s right middle finger sliding along his crack and pressing against his asshole. “What are you doing?”
“I told you I’d save my fingering reward for later. Now is later.”
Astonishing blue eyes pinned him in place. There was nowhere to run. Lyn had no other escape than to let it play out by being as annoying as his opponent. “Well, your fingers are dry. You can’t just shove them in.”
“I know.” Alexander’s hand moved away, making Lyn blow out his breath. But his relief was short-lived. Alexander held his gaze as he pushed two fingers into his mouth, moving his tongue slowly around them the same way he had done while giving Lyn that mind-blowing blowjob.
He knew that he had to protest some more, say something about how their game had gone too far. But he lay there helpless, pressed against Alexander, his own cock twitching miserably against the hard planes of the other’s body, looking at his friend getting ready to put in his long tapered fingers.
“That’s enough,” he said in a ragged voice. “I won’t break. Knock yourself out already.”
Alexander said nothing. He pulled Lyn close by clasping his left hand around the back of his neck. Their kiss was one notch hotter and getting dangerously close to spontaneous combustion. At the same time, Alexander placed his now wet fingers against Lyn’s hole, teasing it at first, circling it slowly before plunging shallowly in.
Lyn gasped. It didn’t hurt; that wasn’t it. He could liken it to a shock. For a gay guy, he was probably the odd man out because he never put anything up there. The current circumstances made it so that the sensation felt unfamiliar. His heart beat faster.
“Let me eat you out,” Alexander said in a dark low voice.
No, the earlier attempt at fingering hadn’t been the real shock. This was.
“What are you even saying?” Lyn let out a short nervous laugh. “You can’t be serious. That is the sort of thing you do with your lover, not some friend from eight years ago.”
“Some friend you are,” Alexander teased him, his unforgiving eyes keeping Lyn in their laser sight. “You do owe me an apology.”
“Should my apology be this? Letting you eat my ass?” Lyn hoped his vulgar approach would chill Alexander’s weird fetishes.
“Yes. Your ass is tight as a drum, and while that gives me a glimpse into how it’s going to feel when I get around to fucking you, I am not an inconsiderate prick. I want to make you want it.”
“Alexander, you’re too much,” Lyn groaned. “This goes beyond a little fooling around. By a mile. It’s too intimate.”
“What are you afraid of?” Alexander challenged him. “I will be the one on my knees, servicing your ass. Don’t you want to be above me for once?”
“That does sound tempting,” Lyn admitted. Alexander was still playing with his ass, but without going deeper than a fraction of an inch. It was enough to make him buck his hips, willing to take more. The thought alone was enough to give him goosebumps; it reminded him of the first time he had ever had sex. But he was no virgin, shocked and aroused by playful teasing.
“You have nothing to lose,” Alexander assured him. “And I want to take a good look at your ass. I want to see everything.” The unhidden lust in his low rough voice sent shivers up and down Lyn’s spine.
He had a lot to lose. But how could he say that without sounding like he was running away?
“Fine,” he said, pushing himself up to change positions. “How do you want me? By the way, I’m not a fan of this.”
“Ass-eating?” Alexander asked matter-of-factly.
“You have a loose mouth nowadays, Your Majesty. Ah, sorry,” Lyn corrected himself immediately. “It’s just you’re too royal in everything you say and do not like me to call you that.”
Alexander smirked. “That is why you’re going to get the royal treatment.”
***
It took a bit of fumbling around, but they eventually settled for Lyn sitting on his knees while resting his upper body against the back of the sofa, hugging it for balance. His shorts had been pushed down to his knees in a hurry, and Alexander was right behind him, his agile hands busy caressing Lyn’s buttocks.
“So nice,” Alexander praised him. He placed a small kiss on Lyn’s hole.
If they took it this slow, he was going to die. The judges were out on whether it would happen because of embarrassment or pleasure.
“Are you stalling?” he asked, doing his damnedest to sound like he was on top of the situation. “I won’t laugh at you if you chicken out. Cross my heart.”
While he kept babbling, Alexander was steadily carrying out his planned rimjob. Completely ignoring Lyn’s brave little speech, he continued to pepper the area around Lyn’s hole with small gentle kisses. When the tip of a tongue joined the show, Lyn let out a surprised moan.
He needed to regain control. The area was sensitive; it wouldn’t play such an important role in sex if it wasn’t, he tried telling himself. But when had any lover offered to tongue his ass with as much abandon as Alexander was doing right now? As the top in the relationship, this sort of seductive overture was his responsibility.
And now, he was on the receiving end. He hid his face in the crook of his elbow, fighting hard to contain the moans that climbed up his throat. How could he manage to maintain control when Alexander’s mouth was doing that to him? The least he could do was to stay hidden, to not show his burning face until it was all over.
Alexander’s curiosity had to wear out, eventually. How long would he keep this up? Lyn grunted and anchored his arms tight against the back of the sofa, while his eyes filled with unshed tears. He was drooling, too, and all from an overload of pleasure.
There was no end in sight. The torture would continue. Currently, Alexander was slowly stroking Lyn’s cock while he moved his tongue over the taint and lower, taking his balls in his mouth. Lyn wanted to see, he wanted to watch that perfect handsome face, look into those hypnotizing eyes, and take in the way his erection was being slowly swallowed by that generous mouth.
But that would be the end of it. How many minutes had passed already? How long could he handle this before coming like a schmuck who never had his ass eaten in his life before?
The shiver growing inside him was uncontrollable. Alexander moved his hand fluidly, while his tongue continued to punish Lyn’s ass with a sensory assault of the worst degree.
At this rate—
“Let go,” Alexander whispered. “For fuck’s sake, Lyn, it’s okay.”
Was it the gentle way he said that, despite the cuss words? Or just the mechanics of the act brought to the pinnacle of the art? Lyn felt his eyes roll back in his head. He couldn’t stop. His mind went blank, while the rest of him was only dimly aware of his surroundings. His climax engulfed everything. It went on and on and on, while Alexander never stopped, only increasing the rhythm of what he was doing.
Lyn dropped like a sack of potatoes onto the sofa, breathing hard.
Alexander draped himself over him, kissing the back of his neck and his sweaty shoulders. Skin on skin, they were getting too close. Lyn wanted to push his friend away, but his body was spent, and his mind was in no better condition.
“Thank you for letting me do this to you,” Alexander whispered in his ear.
Oh, he had no fucking idea. Lyn would have to get his revenge, and soon.
TBC
Author's note: Thanks for reading!
@Derek - Slowly but surely, the full picture will complete itself. And I love that readers love the 'memory' chapters :)
@DavidB - oh, the misalignment was there and even fed itself...
@Buchanan - thank you! the mysteries might take a while to clear up... here's hoping your friend hugs you (even if not naked :D)
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