Just a dumb fuck

What am I worth, Craig?

I slipped over into the helm seat as Nathan stood up and stepped aside.

“It’s simple, Boots. Just turn the wheel gently to steer, but allow for a little lag. The rudder’s pushing against water so it’s not so instantaneous as a car’s tyres acting against solid asphalt. Speed is just controlled by the throttle: push it forwards to go faster, put it in neutral to stop and pull it backwards to reverse. In this stretch nobody will mind if we go a bit fast as the wake is hitting our own land, but keep a good lookout for other boats and anything in the water. Slow down if you see something. Got that?”

“Got that, Nat.”

I made a few gentle turns of the wheel, first one way and then the other, to get a feel for how quickly the boat responded. Obviously, it will respond faster as we go faster because there’s more water running over the rudder. I slowly pushed the throttle forward and the boat began to accelerate, the engine note rising and the bow of the boat picking up and beginning to plane. Nathan was nodding approvingly.

“That’s it, Boots, keep on increasing nice and slowly, get the hang of it. Try a few small changes of direction as we speed up so you get a sense of how she responds to the rudder inputs.”

The boat was now well up on the plane, skimming over the water surface, the engine giving a deep, throaty rasp. A creamy white wake began to stream out from either side of us but wasn’t causing too much bank wash. The river is quite wide and deep, and we weren’t going stupidly fast. Maybe a bit faster than we should have been, but there aren’t any other boats around and the Bauers own the land.

“In a minute or two, we’ll pass under a bridge and the railroad tracks will curve in on one river bank, and the highway will come down to the riverbank on the other side. That’s when we should slow down. When we get there, spin us round and we’ll go back the other way a bit faster until we go past the house, or see another boat coming against us.” Nathan smiled and added, “When we get close to the house, let me take over.”

I put the throttle into neutral as we reached the bridge and let the momentum carry us around the turn until we were facing back the way we had come. Turning caused most of our speed to bleed away and the boat settled back down into the water again. I had a good look down the river and, as it was clear, opened the throttle and began to accelerate us. The boat surged forward again and quickly rose onto the plane. This time I kept on accelerating, building up the speed. We were definitely making a wake! Nathan was grinning too.

“That’s it Boots, we’ve got nearly two miles before we have to slow down to go past my house. Just keep a good lookout ahead – if we hit a floating log or something we’ll flip over.”

We covered the stretch of river back to Nat’s house in no time at all. Once their boathouse came into view I throttled back and let the boat drop off the plane again. Nathan swapped places with me as we crept slowly towards the boat house. Elijah and Jeremiah were out on the decking setting out some tables and chairs, but there was no one else around. Nathan grinned.

“Watch this, Boots.”

He rammed the throttle fully forward and the boat surged up onto the plane as he swung the bows around to head directly for the boathouse. Both Elijah and Jeremiah heard the engine roar, turned around to face us, saw what Nathan was doing, turned quickly and were about to run for cover. Not quickly enough. With barely thirty feet between us and the end of the decked terrace, Nathan hauled the wheel around and threw up a huge sheet of water towards them as he headed us back out towards mid-stream. As we zoomed off downriver, I looked back over my shoulder to see Elijah and Jeremiah emerge from the cloud of spray looking like drowned rats.

“Err, was that wise, Nat?”

“No, definitely not,” laughed Nat, “But it was fun. They’ll get their own back later. We’ve had our own private little war going on for years. Once, when they were cleaning out the stables, they managed to trap me in a corner of the yard behind a pool of slurry after taking my shoes and socks so I would have to walk through it barefoot to escape. I reckon I’ve still not fully paid them back for that.”

A few hundred yards further down the river in the other direction Nathan let me take the controls again. It was more wooded here, with the banks rising up on either side towards some hills to form a steeper sided valley. I kept us moving at fair pace but not as fast as Nathan had been going. It was quite scenic and I wanted to take in the views. I’ve seen pictures of autumn in New England with all the trees changing colour – reds and orange, golden yellow and russet brown, but in real life it looked even more spectacular. There was also that smell in the air that you get from leaves as they turn. It’s something to do with the chlorophyll being sucked back into the tree trunk and the leaves decaying to release terpenes and ketones or something. Kind of a sweetish, almost antiseptic type smell. I love it.

“See that island in the river about a mile ahead, Boots? That’s where we start to reach the outskirts of Pittsburgh and it starts to get industrial. The old steelworks on one side and big railroad marshalling yards too. There was once a chemical plant on the island but it’s shut down now. The lock is just at the far end of the island so we can’t get all the way round it. When the likes of Carnegie and Heinz were building their factories, we owned the land, made our fortune from the rents. Now, with lots of industrial plants closing down, we don’t get so much rental income so we have to live on our investments too. Fortunately, grandad made some good investments. We won’t starve for at least another generation unless I waste all our money, which is what history says I’ll do. You know what they say, Boots: Three generations to build an empire and the fourth to lose it.”

“Never mind, Nat,” I laughed, “When you’re poor, I’ll be on a level with you. I’ve got nearly a hundred dollars so dinner can be on me then. After that, I’ll teach you to catch and eat rats and rabbits.”

Nat reached over and ruffled my hair, then pointed to a small rickety jetty sticking out from the island ahead of us. “Slow us down and take us in to that jetty, Boots, slowly and carefully.”

I throttled back until we were barely going at walking pace and eased us over towards the jetty. The current didn’t seem too strong so I was able to glide us smoothly in alongside the jetty without scraping the wood and Nathan put a couple of fenders over the side before tying the boat up to the jetty and switching off the engine. Everything suddenly seemed much quieter. Those horses make a fair bit of noise when they’re galloping!

“Peaceful, isn’t it?” said Nathan as he sat back in his seat. “You can hear the water lapping at the shoreline and the birds singing. Nobody ever comes out here now. It’s a great place to think.”

I had to agree. Though I could see cars passing by on the roads over beyond the river bank, out here at the island they weren’t audible.

“You seem to do a lot of thinking, Boots,” said Nathan. “Rather like Noah at times. Just shut down into your own world. The difference is, though, he seems to be looking out into our world, but you just pull the shutters down and disappear. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve told you something and it’s just not registered with you.”

I looked at Nathan, not quite knowing what to say. Not clear what he was getting at. For once, he didn’t keep me hanging.

“What happened at that party, Boots? Elizabeth seems pretty certain it wasn’t what people are saying happened. My parents too. They wouldn’t have let you come here if they felt the rumours going round had any truth to them.”

I looked at Nathan. That sleek, chiselled face. The high cheekbones. Those gorgeous hazel eyes and his fiery coppery hair. Why is he asking this again? I like him. I wanted to tell him. I wanted to trust him. I do trust him. But if I do tell him, it will change everything. In any case, one way or another, I’m leaving here in a few days’ time. I’ll probably never see Nathan again.

“You’re a puzzle, Boots. Sometimes so strong and confident, not afraid of anything. Other times you look lost. Completely out of your depth. The others have noticed it too. But they all liked you within days of you joining our dorm, even Travis. I have to admit that I was wary of letting you and him into town together on your first weekend out, but Kyle said it would be a pretty good test. If you were going to butt heads with anybody it would be with Travis, and you did. But you also sorted it out between yourselves. That takes some doing. I know you don’t know why Travis is here at the College, and I can’t tell you, but the fact that he accepted you, trusts you, tells me you’re not what you’re painted to be. And Shane too. You do know why he is here. He’s learned the hard way to be an astute judge of character, to tell if somebody is likely to cause trouble, and he adores you. Me and Kyle call you ‘The ‘Three Mouseketeers.’ I’m sure you get away with a lot more then we catch you at.”

I’m struggling to see where he’s going with this. I know he wants to know about the party. Everyone wants to know about the party. I should have kept completely quiet about it. I can’t believe how stupid I was to post those pictures. To send those tweets. If I hadn’t, nobody would know. I wouldn’t be in this mess. The girls wouldn’t have told anyone. Except I think they have. Elizabeth knows something, somehow. And she’s told Nathan something. They’re close, no matter how much they pretend not to be. She’s told him.

Nathan’s face flickered, then he seemed to change tack.

“Is it me, Boots? Was it too much, last night? Or this morning?  Did I push things too far? I’m sorry if I did. I thought you wanted the same thing too.”

NO! He hasn’t pushed things to far! I’ve kind of been hoping we’d do that for ages. Maybe take things further. I want him. But how do I tell him that?

“Nat…”

The words wouldn’t come. I don’t know what to tell him, or how. I need to tell him something. He’s looking hurt. Like I’m pushing him away. I don’t want to. I can’t let him think this is his fault. It’s my fault, not his. He’s just trying to be a friend to me. To help me out. All I am doing in return is hurting him. Being here in this boat is like being Odysseus. Trapped between Scylla and Charybdis. Whatever course I choose, somebody is going to get hurt.

Nathan leaned over, took my hand. Put his arm around me, pulled me tight into him. I placed my head on his shoulder, hugged him. My jaw was aching. I could feel my eyes welling up. “

“I didn’t do anything wrong, Nat. At the party. I didn’t do what they said. Can you trust me on that? I didn’t do anything wrong.”

I was trying not to cry. Nathan just held me closer.

“I know you didn’t, Craig. I just needed to hear you say it. You needed to hear yourself say it. And now, your dad needs to hear you say it. And you do have to tell him what happened. What really happened. Even if you can’t tell me, tell him. He already suspects, Craig, so just tell him. Trust me, it’ll get easier now you’ve said it once.”

“Nat, how did you know?”

Nat pulled away from me just a little so I could see his face and smiled. “Simple, Craig, You’re a good guy. And I have a smart sister.”

It feels so good to have Nat holding me. To feel his breath on my neck when I snuggle him. To feel the warmth of his body against mine. The strength of his arms around me. To see those amazing eyes.

I can tell him.

“Nat. That party…”

And so I told him.

About how I’d just been flirting with Mackenzie. How she had been real nice to me. How some people think she’s shallow but she isn’t. She actually made sure I was enjoying the party. Made sure I didn’t feel like a fish out of water. And yes, she flirted back. It was harmless. She knew I was still only fourteen but she was prepared to flatter my ego. The only mistake she made was to leave me alone for a while with some girls she thought were her friends. Friends who decided to steal me from her. I don’t think they even really wanted me, they just wanted to make sure she didn’t have me. They seemed to change their minds though when I got cold feet. Told them I was under-age. That perhaps things shouldn’t go any further. That made them more insistent. As if they didn’t want me to reject them. Almost as if it was an insult to them. Except I wanted them to go further. Hell, I was with three hot girls. That’s where it got confusing. Unclear. I can remember telling them we shouldn’t. But I wanted to. They were some of the best-looking girls around. The first girls I’d got that close to. The first girls who seemed interested in me.

I’m not sure how we ended up in the bedroom, but we did. Somehow, we were naked. And I was enjoying it. I wasn’t really sure what to do but that didn’t matter. They did. The sex was actually kind of good. From what I remember of it. I was sleepy too. Could hardly keep my eyes open. I woke up pretty sharpish when Mackenzie’s parent came home early. I guess it was the adrenaline kicking in.  

The day after was pretty odd. Fuzzy headed. Like I had a hangover, but I hadn’t been drinking. I wasn’t a virgin anymore either. Wow! Then I found the photos on my phone. Posted them online. My mates couldn’t dispute that could they? Telling them I’m not a virgin anymore is one thing, but absolute photographic proof, well, that’s priceless! Three hot girls and me in bed. I’ve barely been in America a month. My mates back home can’t beat that. And yet, there was that niggling feeling. It hadn’t been the fireworks experience I’d expected it to be. The kind of thing my mates talked about.  That some of the older guys at school said it was like for their first time. Don’t get me wrong, it was good. Physically. But it kind of left me cold too. The earth hadn’t moved. I was kind of left thinking, ‘Is that it?’

Then my world imploded. Dad found out about my online pictures. Justin battered me to a pulp. People began to whisper. Rumours spread. A small bottle containing what was said to be the dregs of Rhohypnol had been found in the bedroom. I didn’t even know what Rhohypnol was until I googled it. Word got round about my age. People put two and two together. Knew the only way a fourteen-year-old guy could get three girls into bed would be to drug them.

Nathan didn’t interrupt. Just held me.

“They didn’t need to use the Rhohypnol, Nat. I was kind of up for it. But I couldn’t say anything afterwards. I wanted to keep Mackenzie out of it. It was her house. Her party. Her friends. She had nothing to do with it, but people wouldn’t think like that. So, I kept my mouth shut. I didn’t want her dragged down. She doesn’t deserve it, Nat. She was nice to me. I thought if I kept quiet, the girls would keep quiet too. That I could ride it out.”

“Travis was nearly right,” smiled Nathan. “You really are a dumb fuck. In every sense of the word, Boots.”

He’s taking the piss out of me. After everything I’ve just told him, he’s talking the piss. Bloody hell! I burst out laughing. He’s a proper mate. That’s what mates do.  Kick each other when they are down. Because that shows just how good a friend they are. Real friends don’t do tea and sympathy. Real friends kick you back to reality. Make you get a grip.

“I should have worked it out earlier, Craig,” said Nathan. “The day when you thought Kyle had given Jackson the wrong sword for the presentation. You were willing to take the blame for it. To protect his reputation.”

I didn’t say anything. I didn’t know what to say.

“Maybe we need a new name for you, Boots. I’m just torn between two possibilities. Should we call you ‘Beau’ or should it be ‘Atlas’? You don’t need to try and carry the whole world on your shoulders, Craig. Let somebody else do some of the lifting. You’ve got friends here. Travis and Shane for a start. And Kyle: he saw good in you right from Day One, even if you do drive him mad at times. You can’t believe how many times he’s wanted to kick your ass. Jackson did kick your ass and you just shrugged it off. He was trying to batter some sense into you, Boots. Give you a taste of what life would be like if you didn’t get things in the open. Not subtle, I admit, but Jackson’s pretty straightforward. He does care about you, Craig. He’s Captain of Cadets for a reason. It was Jackson that tracked you down when you took off, let Kyle know where to find you.”

I looked at Nat again. Saw something in his eyes.

“I’ll tell dad, Nat. I promise.”

Nat was still looking at me. Like he bloody well does.

“And I have two things to tell him, Nat. About the party first of all.”

“And?”

“And about me. That I’m gay. That might be the easy part.”

“And the third thing, Craig?”

What? What the bloody hell is Nat on about now? He’s still looking at me. Have my shutters come down again? Just what the hell have I missed now? Don’t fucking do this to me, Nat.

He’s bloody doing it.

Just looking at me. Noah’s right. He’s a bloody werewolf. Those eyes are drilling through me.

“Nat?”

“What about me, Craig? Do I count for anything? Am I worth telling your dad about?”