Just a dumb fuck

The truck

Kyle’s car is awesome. I hadn’t a clue what a Ford Bronco was until I saw it. I’d been imagining that it was probably a big saloon with fins and chrome but it isn’t. It’s a brick. A big yellow brick. Kind of like an American Land Rover, but bigger. It’s got headlights like eyes and a steel bumper that he’s going to have chromed, and the cream coloured roof takes off so he can have it open top in summer. It’s a rare version too. It has a third seat up front squashed between the two main seats, and a two man bench seat behind that. The gearbox is manual, with the gearstick on the column, and a kick button on the floor to activate the transfer box to shift from high to low range. Behind the bench seat is a load area with space for a spare tyre and  other stuff. Probably a dead moose. Americans go hunting in trucks like this. Kyle popped the bonnet catch and lifted the lid to show me the engine. It’s a small block V8 petrol with 302 cubic inches. That’s 4.9 litres. Small block my arse! My dad used to have a Range Rover with a V8 engine and that was only 3.5 litres. Pretty big back home but apparently not even registering on the scale over here. What do Americans rate as a ‘big block’?  Over the last two years Kyle has stripped it down, repainted it, rebuilt the engine and put it all back together. He’s not paid anyone to do it, he did it all himself, with help from the freshmen in the dorms he controlled each year. It’s been a big project car for everybody.

This year, before I arrived, the guys in our dorm have stripped the wheels back to bare metal ready to be sent away for chroming. Kyle could just have sent them to the chrome place and let them shot blast them before re-chroming, but he had the guys do them. Will, Travis, Shane and Noah did a wheel each, over several Saturday afternoons, with a wire brush. Then they started on cleaning the oil pan and the bumper which are also going to be chromed. According to Will, Noah stuck with the wheels, said the other guys hadn’t done theirs as good as his, and brushed and sand papered each one even more until he was happy with them.

Kyle was busy showing Shane how to check the oil level when his phone rang. With him being a senior and planning to go into town on Car Club business, he was carrying it. All our phones were still back on Nathan’s admin desk.

“Hi Jackson, how you doing?” he said as he took the call. My ears pricked right up!

“He’s just about to go into town with me, but I’ll let him know. Maybe later tonight. I’ll give you a call when we get back.”

Everybody was looking at him as he slipped the iPhone into his pocket. “That was Jackson, Boots. He wanted you to meet him at tea. I told him you can’t as you’re coming into town with me to pick up my chromed wheels.”

“What’s he want, Kyle?” I asked.

“Just said he wants to talk to you,” said Kyle.

“If he wants to make up again, he can come right here and kiss my arse.”

I knew I’d said the wrong thing before the words even left my mouth. Jackson is a Cadet Officer and I’m a Cadet Private. The most junior Cadet Private in college. A bloody alien Cadet Private. There’s no way Kyle can accept me saying that about a brother Officer. I shouldn’t have said it and I know it. If dad were here he’d be dragging me over the coals for it too. Kyle was glaring at me.

“Sorry, Sir.”

I really was sorry. I just wish I could keep my mouth shut sometimes. The worst thing is, like Travis says, Kyle really is a good Cadet Officer. When I do something wrong, I actually feel ashamed of it, like I have let him down. Nathan would have been bawling me out and putting my name in the Report book. Kyle hardly ever does. He’s the same with us all.  He just explains why what we’ve done isn’t acceptable and that we have let ourselves down. And we know that really, we have let him down.

“We’ll talk about this later, Cadet Wright. Now, jump in. You’re coming into town with me.”

I could see the looks of disappointment written on everybody else’s faces. It wasn’t fair to them either. They’d all been hoping one of them would get to go into town with Kyle to do the wheel swap-over. Now I was going, and going only because Kyle had gone out of his way to keep me away from Jackson, and I’d screwed up. Sometimes dad is right about me. I need to grow up.

“Sir,” I said to Kyle, “can’t you take one of them? They’ve worked hard for your wheels. I can go and see Lieutenant Davis right now. I shouldn’t be going into town.”

Kyle looked at the disappointment on their faces. “Jump in guys, we’re all going into town.”

The mood changed instantly. Everybody was smiling. Noah jumped into the middle seat up front and Shane and Travis jumped into the rear bench seat. Will looked at me and then opened the tailgate and climbed into the back, sitting on the floor alongside the spare tyre. There was still space for a small moose. That left the front passenger seat empty. Kyle was looking at me.

“Get in, Wright.”

I climbed in, and knew it made sense for me to be in that seat because after Kyle I needed more space than anybody else, but I didn’t feel happy about it. I need to keep my mouth shut sometimes. Why do I always seem to spoil things for everybody?

* * *

We stopped at the gate office on the way out of college and Kyle went in to sign us all out. The duty senior in the office was a cadet sergeant and so didn’t question why so many of us were going into town. Just over half an hour later we were pulling up in a retail block just off the main highway on the edge of town close to where the college shuttle bus drops off cadets with a pass out. The diner Travis and Shane had taken me to last weekend was visible in the next block along. We all jumped out of “the Truck” as everybody called it and gathered round Kyle.

“Listen in guys,” said Kyle.” I’m going to the tyre shop to get my wheels swapped. You can come with me, or you can go into town. I’m going to be about an hour, so if you go into town, meet up back here at,” he checked his watch, “17:30. Everyone clear?”

“Clear Kyle” everyone chorused. Nobody moved away.

Kyle grinned. “Okay guys, follow me.”

We all walked about 100 yards across the parking lot to the tyre shop. That’s what Americans call stuff. The Tyre Shop. The Auto Shop. Or if it’s not a ‘Shop’ it’s a Store. The Tyre Store. Okay, the Tire Store. Or Shop.

As we trooped into the Tire Shop a big guy in ‘Tire Shop’ overalls, maybe in his 50’s, came out to meet us. He smiled at Kyle. “Hi Kyle,” he said, “how you doing?”   

“I’m fine, Sir,” said Kyle. “How are you doing? Good too? I’m here to swap my wheels.” That’s something else about Americans. It’s not just military college boys, all young guys here seem polite and respectful to older people and call them ‘Sir’. It’s like living in an episode of ’The Waltons’ or ‘Happy Days.’

“These your new cadets?” asked the older guy. “Leave them with me and I’ll get them to help swap your wheels over. They came back this morning and look real good. All that preparation paid off. Lee’s in the back doing the tax invoices for me. Go through and tell him I said he’s due a break.”

Kyle smiled and handed over his keys. “Thank you, Sir. Guys, help Mister Miller here swap my tyres over onto the chromed wheels and then put the chromed wheels on the truck. Travis, you’re in charge.”

Kyle went through a door into the private, back part of the tyre shop as Mr Miller strolled over to the truck, started it up and reversed it into the fitting bay. The engine sounds awesome, kind of burble burble burble. Once a couple of trolley jacks had been slid under the axles we were set to work with spanners and wrenches to loosen off the wheel nuts before it was lifted. We were still doing the wheel nuts, one of us at each wheel and Mr Miller supervising, when the door opened and Kyle came out with another guy. The guy was about the same age as Kyle, with short dark hair and big brown eyes. He was wearing overalls with the shop logo on them and a name tag, “Lee Miller”. I guessed he must be Mr Miller’s son. The guys all looked up and smiled, said, “Hi Lee,” and stuff like that, then got on with loosening their wheel nuts. It was evident they’d met before. Kyle was smiling, steering Lee over to where I was working.

“This is my new rat,” he said, pointing to me, “we call him Boots. He started a few weeks later than the rest. Boots, meet Lee. Star quarterback of the High School here.”

I stood up to say hello and shook hands with Lee. Yes, he’s a football player, he’s got the same build as Kyle. There has to be a mould around somewhere that they pop them out from, like peas from a pod. Probably says “Proudly made in ‘Merika” on him somewhere.

“Hey, nice accent,” said Lee, “I’ve never met anybody from Oregon before.” Everybody was laughing, even Travis, we all knew he was taking the piss out of me. I liked him right away. He turned to Mr Miller and said, ”Dad, is it okay if we go over the diner for my break? We won’t be long.”

The guys were all grinning as Kyle and Lee started to head off over to the diner together. Just walking over there, across the car lot, laughing and joking with each other, holding hands. Like they hadn’t a care in the world. Travis and Shane were pretending to blow kisses after them. So that was Kyle’s boyfriend! When Travis had said Kyle was gay and had a boyfriend I just kind of assumed it was another cadet. I know this might sound weird, and if Kyle had been holding hands with a girl nobody would have thought anything of it, but, well, they looked kind of cute together.

It only took about thirty minutes for Mr Miller to bring out the fresh chromed wheels from his store room, swap the tyres onto them using some kind of hydraulic press and ram thingy, balance them up with lead weights and then have us put them back on the axles. I pointed out to Shane how, when the wheels were properly balanced, they rotated smoothly but before they were balanced they wobbled on the spinning machine used to assess them. He didn’t get it at first, but then I said to watch how the edge of the wheel wobbled like a sine curve before it was balanced and how adding mass damped the wobble out. We’re going to go over the equations later but he’s now understanding harmonic motion better.

The truck really did look amazing. The wheels gleamed like they were made of polished silver. Noah was already sat on a stack of old tyres in the corner of the workshop with a note book out, drawing away, as we helped Mr Miller put the trolley jacks back against the wall and tidy up. Shane glanced at his watch. “Still half an hour left. What say we go and get some stuff from the store?”

Half an hour later and we were back at the tyre shop. No only had I managed to find a teapot and some real tea instead of teabags, but Shane had shown me where he bought his shower gel and so I had a couple of tubes of that too. Oh, and some shaving cream. Both Travis and Shane were giving me stick about that, clearly as I don’t actually need to shave yet they were already far down the route of assuming I was going to be shaving my legs with Nathan. I’m definitely not! I might get Kyle to show me how to shave though, ready for when I need to, and I might, just might, shave my pits before the next water polo training. Have you any idea how much it hurts when somebody grabs your hair there and wrenches it?

* * *

Kyle and Lee turned up a few minutes after we got back to the truck. Mr Miller was smiling and made a comment about how it had been a rather long break.

“Yeah, it’s not their fault though, grinned Will. “I’ve noticed when they order an ice cream sundae to share the waitress only brings them one spoon so they end up feeding each other.” Clearly there was an in joke there from the way all the guys were laughing with him, and Kyle wasn’t too rough with Will when he grabbed him in an arm-lock and started messing his new haircut up. We all piled into the truck as Kyle went to the till and counted out the dollar bills to pay Mr Miller. Lee was waiting by the truck and as Kyle came back he put his arms around him and the two held each other for a moment, then kissed. That was clearly the cue the guys had been waiting for: all of them threw their hands up to cover their eyes and said in unison, “Oh, purleease, not in front of the straight boys.”

Kyle was still laughing with them as we pulled off the car lot and onto the highway to head back to college. When we’re off duty he doesn’t mind us teasing him about being gay, it’s like it’s no different from the way we all treat Travis as the stereotype farm boy, or Nathan as ‘evil Corporal’ or even me as ‘dumb fuck alien’. Obviously, we’re respectful though, but that’s because he’s a Cadet Officer, even when we’re off duty, and nothing to do with him actually being gay. He can’t help that any more than Travis can help being a ginger. It’s what he is. Being a ginger is far worse…

When we got back to college, Kyle parked the truck up in the car lot used by cadets and we all headed back to the dorm to tidy ourselves up ready for dinner. Our plan was to have dinner early, as soon as the dining room opened, then to head back to the dorm and set the laptop up again for some more films. When we were out shopping we’d all put twenty dollars into a kitty and bought a couple of Blue Rays and plenty of corn for Noah to make some popcorn, which he is going to teach me to do, and some muffins. I know I criticise the Colonials from time to time, but muffins are one thing they do right. Especially the blueberry muffins.

* * *

Dinner was pretty good. I’m careful what I eat to make sure I get more muscled and stay fit. Tonight one of the choices available to us was grilled fish, either Atlantic cod or sockeye salmon, which is meant to be the best salmon, so I took a leaf out of Travis’s book and had a portion of both, with plenty of salad and just a tiny portion of boiled potatoes. Well, we are going to have popcorn and muffins later.

One thing we never get here is alcohol. At home, my parents would always have a glass of wine with dinner and since I was about 12 my mom and dad would allow me to have some too. Just a small glass. They were working on the principle that letting me have some would remove the mystique of alcohol, and make me sensible about it. Dad had even recently started letting me have a small tot of whisky with him occasionally before bed. He has a glass of whisky every night at about 9 pm and before we came here to America he had started letting me have a drop too on some nights. It was good to sit with him in his study before bedtime, having a drink of whisky, talking to him about my school work and my future. It was like I wasn’t a kid anymore. Here though, alcohol is completely off the agenda. You can’t have it here until you’re 21! It would be good if we’d been allowed a glass of wine with our dinner tonight. Yes, I definitely need to try and civilise the Colonials again. Even if only to stop Nat from drinking that distilled battery acid Tennessee moonshite he gave me.

After dinner, and back at the dorm, I was about to go with Noah to the kitchen area down the corridor where we can make drinks and snacks to learn about popcorn when Kyle grabbed me and said he wanted a word. I’d been hoping he’d forgotten what I had said about Jackson earlier. He hadn’t.

I don’t like letting Kyle down. He’s the best dorm senior there is. As a Cadet Officer, he doesn’t even have to do it, but he does. He’s more like a big brother than anything. He doesn’t let us get away with anything, but he doesn’t pick on us just because he can. I didn’t get an ear drilling like I would have done from dad, but he did make it plain that I had been out of line and needed to adjust my attitude. What makes it worse is that he right. I know I was wrong to say that about a superior. If I was in charge I’d stomp on anybody that said that.

Oh, and I had that appointment with Jackson. Going into town with Kyle would have given time for Jackson to simmer down, but he’d asked to see me, quite properly through Kyle, and so I had to go and see him. Kyle didn’t seem too fussed about it. “I’ve told him you’ll go up to his room at 20:00.”

* * *

At 19:55 I knocked on Jackson’s door up in Heaven. I was wearing my best smarts, a tweed jacket, burgundy cords and a RM tie my dad had given me. My Loake brogues were gleaming. They’d probably meet Noah’s perfectionist standard. No point in giving Jackson any reason to find fault.

“Enter.”

I pushed the door open and stepped inside. It was the first time I’d ever been up to the top floor where the Cadet Officers had their rooms. The room was about half the size of our eight man dorm, but had only two occupants. There was a big bed at each end of the room with a couple of wardrobes, a chest of drawers and a desk each, and the central area had a pair of big leather sofas facing each other, a couple of small tables, a big LCD tv screen, a hi-fi system, a coffee machine gently bubbling away, a few potted plants too. It actually felt like a proper home rather than the sterile dorm we had as cadet privates. The coffee smelled good. Maybe we should have a coffee pot in our dorm too.

“Hi Boots,” came a friendly greeting from a cadet sat at the desk at the right-hand part of the room, “You’re early.” It was Cole, a guy from the water polo squad I’d met on Wednesday. We’d played on the same side in training. I liked him. He looked across the room to the other desk where Jackson was sitting, doing something on his laptop, stood up and said “I’ll leave you two to it, see you later Jackson.” As he passed me he smiled and pointed back to his half of the room, “See over there Boots? That’s my space. If there’s going to be bloodshed, try not to mess it up.”

As Cole left, Jackson stood up and wandered over to one of the sofas.

“Sit down, Boots. And don’t just inhale the coffee, help yourself to a cup if you want one.” He waited until I walked over and helped myself to a cup of filter coffee from the pot. We were weighing each other up again. I hadn’t missed the fact he hadn’t called me ‘pup’.

I sat facing him, took a drink of the coffee. It was bloody good. That’s another thing Americans do right. Coffee.

Jackson, Cadet Lieutenant Davis, was staring straight through me.

“You wanted to see me, Sir?”

His voice was icy cold. Quiet, making me strain to hear. “Let’s drop the formality. You don’t like me. I don’t like you. You’re an arrogant little shit that needed teaching a lesson. You pissed a lot of people off when you turned up here, full of condescending wisecracks and your Little Lord Fauntleroy manners. Bragging about the cheerleaders you’d nailed and how you’d taken on half a dozen of their boyfriends. You got your lesson. You’ll get more if you carry on the way you are.” He was looking me up and down, taking in my jacket, my cords, my shoes. I bit my tongue. I wasn’t going to take the bait.

“Let’s cut to the chase, Boots. We need to sort a few things. I talk, you listen. Got that?”

“Got that.”

“First, I’m going to win the New England States’ High School Heavyweight Championship this year. It’ll be the first time this college has ever won it. That means a lot. I’m good enough. Coach is a good coach. And you’re the best training partner around. You make me work. You have spirit. You push me harder than any other guy here, even the other heavyweights. In the ring, you have phenomenal discipline and self-control even if you are a train crash outside it. I need to train with somebody like you. Do you hear what I’m saying?”

I nodded.

“Second, remember I can break you. I know you think you can take punches, that you can throw them too. Balls. I’m a heavyweight. You’re a welterweight. I can smash you to a bloody pulp. You hurt me, I gut you. Got that?”

“Got that.”

“I want to train with you, and you’ll do well from it too. Coach thinks you’ll win a state junior title at welter or even light middleweight if he puts you up for it. You will. You’ve got what it takes. We both benefit if we train together. Got that?”

“Got that.”

“So, that brings us to my last point. The most important point. Are you scared of sharing a changing room with me?”

I didn’t know what to say. Jackson is just glaring at me. I’m not scared of him, I’m scared of what I think about him.

Jackson is cutting through me with his eyes again. “I know you saw me and Jayden fuck. I know you’ve kept quiet about it. I know you’ll continue to keep quiet about it. None of that is what bothers me. What does bother me is you won’t use the same changing room as me. Since you aren’t scared to fight me, that leaves me just one conclusion. You’re scared I might try to fuck you.”

Jackson is just looking right at me. I still have no idea what to say to him. The words spilling through my head just won’t line up properly. And whatever I say is going to make things worse. I always do.

“I can’t have that, Boots. You can’t be scared of me like that. Of anyone here in college that way, no matter who they are, no matter what authority they have over you. Especially if they have authority over you. You understand what I am saying? You shouldn’t be scared that way. And if anyone else ever gives you reason to be scared like that, you come to me and I will deal with them.”

I just nod.

“So we’re good then? Are we going to train together?”

“Yes, we can train together.” I wanted to tell him that I hadn’t been scared of him, that I’d never even thought he might fancy me. I was just, well, sort of curious about him. Plus I didn’t like the way he behaved to Shane and Travis. He doesn’t need to threaten them. I just didn’t have the words. They kind of evaporate before they get out of my mouth.

“Good. Now get the fuck out of here. You can take your coffee back to the Reservation with you. And give my apologies to Lieutenant Masters for keeping you away from whatever he had planned for you tonight.” 

* * *

When I returned to the dorm, preparations for a movie night were in full swing. The beds were being shifted, Will was wiring laptops and the screen together, Noah was gathering up some dishes for the popcorn he was planning to make. Kyle glanced up as I entered and smiled.

“That didn’t take long. The Big Bad Wolf doesn’t even appear to have bitten your head off. Gave you coffee too. Are you good?”

I nodded, but I just wanted to be out of there. “Can I take my phone Kyle? I’m going for a walk.”

“Sure Boots, but the movie starts at nine. ‘Sniper Legacy’ or ‘The Highway Men’. It’s Noah’s choice tonight. Don’t be late or the muffins will be history.”

I took my Nokia and slipped it in my pocket, then headed out. The duty senior said something to me as I walked through the foyer and out into the grounds but I wasn’t really listening. I just wanted to be on my own and think things through for a while. To try and get Jackson out of my head. I’d listened, like he said. I hadn’t argued with him. Just took it on the chin, agreed to train with him and left. Tried to bury the hatchet. But I was pissed off. I hadn’t done some of the things he said. Sure I know I can be gobby at times. My dad’s always telling me to learn to wind my neck in before my mouth gets me into trouble. I don’t mean to do it but it just happens. But I hadn’t been bragging about the cheerleaders. Or the fight. Dad had made it very clear I should keep my mouth shut about those. I don’t think he’d even told my mum. The story just seemed to follow me around. People believe what they want to believe. And I hadn’t avoided using the boxers’ changing room because I was scared of Jackson. Not for any reason. I just wanted to try and avoid causing trouble. I didn’t think he’d try and fuck me. Why would he? I’m not gay. I’m not even pretty like Noah or Will. I can take care of myself too, no matter what he thinks. I do want to train with him though if he trains fair. He’s right that we can be good together. I can keep him fast, he can bring up my stamina and strength. We can both get a title. If he plays fair.

With little idea of how I’d got there, I was back at the bench by the pond. I sat down, took my phone out and opened up the speed dial screen. The first number on the list was dad. Maybe I should just call him and ask him to take me home. I know I said I was starting to like it here but if I stay I am going to spoil it for everyone else. Travis and Shane are good mates but I just seem to drag them into my problems. I like Noah and Will too, and even Nathan, but it’s just a matter of time before they end up caught in some flak that was aimed at me. They nearly didn’t get into town today because of what I said about Jackson.

I sat there with my thumb poised over the “Dial” button for ages. Not real thinking, just gazing out across the pond. What would I say to dad? What will I say to Kyle? He’s gone way beyond the limits to try and sort things out for me. It would be nice for him to teach me to shave. I’d really like that. Shane was right. Why is life so unfair?

Nokias skim well. I counted five hops before mine finally struck the water and went under instead of skipping up for another bounce. Then it was gone. I don’t know why I threw it. It just seemed easier than pressing the button.

I was still skimming pebbles across the pond when the light closed in and Noah appeared. Kyle had sent him to find me when I wasn’t back for the start of the movie. Noah always gets used as the gopher but he genuinely doesn’t seem to mind. Just smiles and goes for whatever it is he’s sent to go for.

“We tried calling you, but there was no connection. Is your phone on?”

“It’s at the bottom of the pond.”

Noah studied the pond for a moment. “That’s probably a good thing. Will considered it an insult to progress seeing it sat there on the desk next to our iPhones.”

* * *

It was nearly ten by the time we got back to the dorm. All the other guys were changed into their pyjamas and clearly itching to get the film started. I told them to start without me: I’d already seen “Sniper Legacy” so knew I could soon catch up on the plot. Kyle had already agreed that as it was a Saturday night we could watch two films even if that did mean staying up until early morning. Nathan would probably only have allowed one film, and set a midnight deadline. Obviously, being senior, Kyle could over-rule him but he probably wouldn’t. He gives Nathan authority to set rules and maintain discipline and backs him up.

I took a long shower and carried on turning things over in my head. Mainly Jackson. Just why can’t we get along? He’s a brilliant boxer with awesome fitness and a great body. I’d love to look like him. Be a heavyweight with all that muscle. It doesn’t matter that he likes guys. Kyle likes guys but he’s not mean to me. And Jackson’s even pissed off and makes me manage to feel guilty for making him think I thought he might try it on with me. Like that makes any sense. And anyway, he went out of his way to make it clear he wouldn’t be like that, and that I could go to him if anybody did bother me like that, so just what is the problem? He’s clearly a decent guy at heart. I just need to get through to him somehow.

“Boots, are you just going to stand there all night trying to dissolve or are you going to come and watch the film?”

It’s Shane. I was so wrapped up in my thoughts I wasn’t even aware he’d come into the washroom. I can’t believe they haven’t started without me. I told them to.

“Come on. Don’t waste time getting dry, just put your gown on and shift your ass. We’re waiting.”

I jumped out of the shower and put on my dressing gown. Shane had already snatched up my towel to stop me wasting time using it and my pyjamas were back in the dorm as I’d intended to get dry and then head back there to get ready for bed. Shane was pushing me to the door, steering me down the corridor, not giving me a chance to slow proceedings down. As soon as we got back to the dorm Shane flicked out the lights, pushed me in the direction of the two beds everyone was sat on, shoved Kyle to one side and installed me right in the middle next to him before climbing up beside me. Shane can get away with that, off duty at least, he’s family with Kyle. To be honest, with his smile and sparkly blue eyes, Shane gets away with lots of stuff. Even with Nathan.

As the opening credits rolled and Noah passed around the bowl of popcorn, I settled back and snuggled in between Kyle and Shane. Shane had put his arm around me and pulled me in close, and I could smell that spicy orange smell he has. I have the same shower gel now but it always smells better on him. It doesn’t mean anything that he has his arm around my shoulder: he has his other arm around Noah, he’s just pulling us all close so we fit on the two beds without anybody falling off the edge. Will’s chuckling. “Boots, you spend forever in the shower and still have a boner? I can see why you got caught with three cheerleaders.”

Bloody hell, not again! This is so embarrassing! Within seconds Shane and Kyle had grabbed me and pushed me off the bed and onto the floor, Will smirking as usual and making further comments about “Sort yourself out, Boots.” Not to be outdone, Kyle threw his hands over his eyes and said “Oh, purleeeease, not in front of the gay boy,” causing even more laughter. Just what is it with me these days?