Just a dumb fuck

“Fear contended with desire”

When I left the accommodation block, blanking the duty Corporal at the front desk who asked where I was going and did I have a pass, I wasn’t sure where I was going. I just wanted somewhere to be on my own and think things through. I knew where I wasn’t going though. Over by the pond. That’s where Kyle found me before. Well, somebody spotted me there anyway, and told Kyle. I still haven’t worked out who it was. That’s not where I’m going this time. Not just because that’s where they’ll look if I am missed, and I might not be tonight if they are all still pre-occupied with the screen and chairs, but also because it’s getting chilly at night now. Summer is over. There will be a mist around the pond tonight, probably a heavy dew. Why be frikkin’ cold and wet unnecessarily? I don’t know if these US Army maggots are any good yet.

There was already the first hint of dewfall on the grass when I reached the edge of the sports field and looked over to the woodland. If I walk across that I’ll leave footprints. Okay, so they probably won’t spot them, it’s going to be fully dark very soon, and even if they come looking for me with torches I’m not sure they’ll think to look for footprints in the dew. I bet their fieldcraft is rubbish compared with mine.

I stuck to the tarmac paths that criss-cross the college and worked my way round to the gym and pool complex. It’s going to be closing for the night shortly and there won’t be many people in there now, and probably none at all in the warren of corridors and rooms near the boxers’ changing room and the pool services area. I slipped in through the side door and made my way past the changing rooms, then down towards the plant room. The lights are off down here, that means Coach or the pool supervisor have probably already done their rounds and closed down for the night. I’m not going to be disturbed.

The room where I’d seen Jackson and Jayden is ideal. Out of the way, just a tiny window. A bench inside it. Warm too being as it’s next to the plant room that heats the pool. It can piss it down with rain all night tonight if it likes and I’ll still be snug as a bug in here. No weird things in the woods waking me up either. Wildlife is okay but not when it wakes you up at dark o’clock by licking your face.

I opened the toggles on the stuff sac and pulled the sleeping bags out. I’m not going to need both of them in here, nor the Gore-Tex outer cover. Just the patrol bag. I stuffed the outer cover and medium weight bag back into the sack and laid the patrol sack onto the padded bench, then stripped down to my kecks. I folded my clothes neatly and put them on the bench, then climbed into the patrol bag. It was plenty warm enough. Outside, I’d probably need to combine both gonk bags, one inside the other, then definitely the Gore-Tex cover to keep me dry, but here, indoors, I’m good just with the inner bag.

It’s still only ten o’clock, just gone. I’m sure the guys won’t be in bed yet. They might not even have registered that I’m not there. I’m sure nobody was really paying attention when I left. Nat was equally keen to see how the chairs and screen all linked up and he’s in charge now. Kyle will let him make the decisions. Pounce on him if he makes a bad decision, but not until afterwards. Let him learn from his own mistakes. 

Mistakes.

Like I just made with Shane. With those cheer leaders. What the fuck was I thinking of? I shouldn’t have said that to Shane. He’s been through enough already. Maybe that’s why I like him. Feel sorry for him. Want to snuggle up to him and protect him. Amelia seemed a nice girl. Pretty. Why did it piss me off when Shane asked her to go to the diner with him? It was only for twenty minutes. Half an hour at most. For a milk shake and slice of apple pie. He deserves that. Some happiness in his life. He really doesn’t have a bad bone in his entire body. Why did I behave like such a twat?  And he was so bloody good about it. Just hugged me. Held me close, like he did once before. That day in the showers. The day when I realised it felt as good to be with him as it did to be with those cheer leaders. To touch him.

I just seem to screw up all the time. Why is everything so easy for Will, or Shane, or even Kyle? My mom and dad. They just find somebody they like, even a guy in Kyle’s case, and ask them out. Simple. No drama. Why can’t I do that? I need to sort my life out.

I tried to sleep, but every time I felt I was dozing I recalled the words of a poem we’d studied at school.

“Now hollow fires burn out to black, 

And lights are guttering low: 

Square your shoulders, lift your pack 

And leave your friends and go.”

I may not have any friends soon.

* * *

I had eventually drifted off to a fitful sleep when somebody opened the door, switched on the light, grabbed the bottom of the sleeping bag and dragged me off the bench so I fell to the floor and smacked my head on the hard tiles. I couldn’t get out of the bag quickly and lay there for a few seconds, stunned and bewildered as somebody gave me a good kick in the side.

“Get the fuck up, Boots!”

It was Travis, and he wasn’t happy.

As I struggled to figure out what was going on, Travis speed dialled on his phone. “I’ve found him. He’s okay. I’m bringing him back now.” I managed to focus on my wrist watch. It was half past two.

I crawled out of the sleeping bag and as I did so Travis grabbed me, pushed me to the wall and jammed his forearm against my throat, half choking me. ”What the fuck are you playing at Boots? We’ve spent ages looking for you. Kyle and Nathan are down by the pond looking for you, Shane and Will are in the woods, Noah’s checking all the sports fields. It’s pouring down with rain out there and we’ve got better things to do than play hide and seek all night!”

Travis relaxed his grip and shoved me towards my clothes. “Get dressed, Boots.”

I got dressed as Travis sat and glowered, then we walked back over in the rain to the accommodation block. Nathan was sitting, dripping wet, at the front desk. “Thanks Travis,” he said, “you can get off to bed now. Everyone else is already back. Boots is staying here with me for a while.” He waited until the sound of Travis’s footsteps on the stairs had died away and we heard the door to the corridor on the floor above open and close.

“So, Boots, start explaining.”

He’s done it again. Why can’t he just ask me a direct question? Give me some wiggle room. A chance to be a bit evasive.

“I’ve got all night, Boots.”

“I was thinking, Nathan.”

“I don’t think you were, Boots. Not about the right things, anyway. Have you any idea what trouble you’ve just caused?”

I looked at him. Presumably the other guys were just as wet and pissed off too.

“Last time you took off in a mood, we found you down by the pond. When we realised you’d vanished tonight, Shane got worried and told Kyle that you and him had, shall we say, a difference of views, over something earlier. Shane was worried about you. He was scared you might have thrown more than your phone in the pond this time. Understand?”

“Yes, Nathan. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to cause any problems, I just wanted to be on my own for a while and think things over. And test out my new sleeping bag too.” Maybe he’ll think that’s a good reason to be away from the dorm. Prior Preparation for the fieldcraft training. Well, it’s worth a try. I can’t tell him the real reason.

“We don’t need to go into this more tonight, it can wait until tomorrow. I don’t know what the problem between you and Shane is, he only told Kyle, and perhaps I don’t need to know. But I do need to know where you are at all times, and I need you to know that if you do have any issues, you can always talk to me. Is that clear?”

“Yes, Sergeant. I’m sorry Sergeant.”

“Okay, get off to bed, get some sleep. And don’t worry about anything, whatever it is, it can all be fixed. Got that?”

“Got that, Sergeant.”

I went upstairs to the dorm, followed by Nathan. I’d got off a lot lighter than I expected, but maybe he’s saving it all up for tomorrow. The dorm lights were still on, with most of the guys still getting dried off and into bed. I got a lot of stares but nobody said anything. As Nathan went over and had a brief word with Kyle I simply held up my hands and said, “Sorry guys, I was just being a complete Deefer again,” before going over to Shane and holding out my hand to him.

“Sorry, Shane.”

Shane shook my hand and said, very quietly so only I could hear. “I haven’t told them, Boots, I just said we’d had a falling out over a girl.”

How come he can still be so nice to me?

* * *

Thursday morning was a little awkward. I got up and made sure I was in and out of the washroom as fast as possible, then dressed ready for breakfast and my first classes of the day. Nathan held back when the rest went to the washroom so that there were only the two of us in the dorm.

“Boots,” he said, “this is going no further. We’re keeping it in the dorm. Shane has talked with Kyle and says it’s all a minor misunderstanding between the two of you. About what, I don’t know, but I’m prepared to accept Kyle’s explanation that it was about the trip to the diner yesterday unless you feel you need to tell me otherwise. Noah’s also pointed out to me that you did say you were going out to test your sleeping bag last night when I was paying more attention to the gaming set up than I should have been. I’ll take that one on the chin when Kyle kicks my ass halfway to Pittsburgh later today. You don’t need to worry about it. Got that?”

“Got that, Sergeant.”

“In return, I want something from you. In future, whenever you have a problem, don’t bottle it up. Come and talk to someone. First off, come to me, but if it’s something you can’t tell me about, try Kyle. He’ll still be here until the end of semester. Got that?”

“Got that, Sergeant.”

“Lastly, for now, I saw you make up with Shane last night. That was good. Now make sure you do the same with Travis. He was the one who figured out where you might have gone when we were running out of places to search for you. We were close to raising the staff and getting a proper search organised when he had a hunch where you might have gone, somewhere you would feel safe and in control of whatever was going on. That’s not the first time he’s covered your back. Make sure he doesn’t regret it.”

“I will, Sergeant.” I definitely will. Travis really does step up when I need him. Doesn’t say much, just always makes sure he’s around and on my side. I’ve got to start making sure he knows I appreciate it.

“Now, clear off to breakfast, Boots, don’t dwell on things. I need you back here and in perfect form for your second lecture on fieldcraft tonight. The last one was good.”

Nathan didn’t need to do that. I hadn’t expected him to do that. I wouldn’t have blamed him if he had grounded me for a month, kicked my arse all the way to Pittsburgh and back, then banned me from using the screen or gaming chairs. He seems to have changed now he’s a Sergeant. It’s like he almost doesn’t feel the need to prove himself all the time, to be seen to be snapping at our ankles and keeping us in order. And Kyle did give him a roasting according to Will, who overhead him later that day, explaining to him that if he wanted to stay a Sergeant, he needed to start putting us first, not himself. That was a bit harsh. It seems that just as Nathan is getting more like Kyle, Kyle was being more Snappy Dog!  That’s a Corporal’s job, and Nathan has just grown out of it. Not a bad start, baby big cheese.

* * *

Thursday morning classes are Maths and then double Chemistry, two things I’m pretty good at. Two and two always make four, and chucking water into a beaker of acid always makes trouble. If only life was as simple as always adding acid to water and not vice-versa.  It was lunchtime I was dreading, not classes: I’m not in the same classes as any of the guys until after lunch.

I always sit next to Will at lunch, with the rest of the guys on my table being from the other freshman dorms. They deliberately split us up like that at meals to ensure we mix. Will didn’t mention anything about last night in front of the other guys but there wasn’t the usual joking and banter either. He usually likes to take the mickey out of me because I like to use a fountain pen instead of an iPad, and I always tell him he’s got transistors instead of brain. That really winds him up because he’d much rather I said he’s got a quantum flux processor. Transistors are state of the ark in his eyes.

Once we’d finished eating I made my excuses and left the table, planning on heading back to the dorm rather than socialising in the ante-room. I was halfway towards the exit from the ante-room when Kyle looked up from a chair near the door and spoke to me. I’d been so pre-occupied that I hadn’t noticed him there.

“Boots, sit down for a moment, I’ve got you a coffee.” He pointed to the empty seat across from him. There were two cups of coffee on the table. I need to pull myself together. I should have seen that ambush, not stumbled straight into it.

“Kyle.” I wasn’t sure what else to say. I sat down.

Kyle said nothing for a moment then, quietly, so no-one else could hear, said, “Last night is done and dusted, Craig. Nathan’s spoken to you about leaving the dorm without permission after ten and so that’s dealt with. Nothing more to be said. Okay?”

I just nodded.

“Shane has told me some of what happened between you yesterday, but I suspect not everything. He’s fine about it. The only thing that matters from now on is you, and what happens next is entirely your choice. If you want, we can call your dad and you can take a few days away from here. Get some breathing space, get a different perspective on things. No-one here need know why, it would just be an extra holiday. Or you can stay, work things through here. Put things right between you and Shane, between you and Travis. Help Nathan lick everyone in the dorm into shape and pick up that cup for fieldcraft for me as a leaving present from you and the guys at the end of semester. I’d like that in my trophy cabinet. It might feel awkward for you for a few days, maybe longer. Sometimes the people we like, the people we love, can hurt us more than anyone. Maybe it hurts more because they don’t mean it to hurt. Take your time and think about it Boots. No-one is judging you, least of all me.”

Kyle stood up and left. Both coffees remained on the table. Kyle knows. Shane may not have told him, but he knows about me. I glanced up. The ante-room was full of people, all going on with their normal business. Nobody was bothering about me. It looks like the only people that know about me being a pratt last night are our dorm. Shane was standing by the door. Waiting for me? I stood up and slowly walked over to him.

“Can we talk for a while, Shane?”

He nodded, and led the way out of the door, across the terrace towards the main college buildings and then stopped at the low wall surrounding the rose garden. We sat down on the wall.

“I’m sorry about last night, Shane, I really was being a complete arse. I shouldn’t have said what I did. It’s just that over the last few weeks, well, since I’ve been here, I’ve been thinking about things. About why I got kicked out of Oakdale. About the cheer leaders. About…”

“Craig,” interrupted Shane. “you don’t need to say anything.”

I do. I owe him an explanation. Even if it is really for my own benefit too. Before I could pull together the words I needed to explain to him, to myself, Shane started to say for me what I was trying to tell him.

“I think you can like guys too, Craig. We all know about you and the cheer leaders. And I know you like me too. You’ve been good to me ever since you got here. Real nice. It’s just that I think you might want something more than that. More than just the messing around we did with Travis in the shower. That day when it was just the two of us, after the cannon firing when you stroked me as well, when you said that was what you do with girls. I think that’s when I kind of guessed you might like me in the same way as you do girls. It kind of made me feel special, Craig, but it also made me realise that I need to tell you that I only like you as a friend. I think I should have told you sooner, but I was scared of losing you as a friend. I’m sorry. I really do want us to be friends still.”

For a moment I said nothing, just looked at him. I know I have to tell him. I owe him the truth. He’s been so honest with me. I need to tell him no matter what the consequences are.

“Shane, it’s not quite like that. It’s not that I like you in the same way as I like girls. It’s more than that. I’m not even sure I like girls anymore. I do like you though. I don’t know how or why. The sex with the girls was good, well, sort of. Physically it was nice.  But I didn’t get the same feelings for them, the way I feel when I look at you. The way I feel when you smile at me. When I touch you. You’re different to girls. And I think I’m different to other guys. But I get it now, that you’re not like that about me.”

I had to say it. To tell him. To hear it out loud to myself. That I prefer the feelings I get when I’m with him to how girls make me feel. That when I see girls, I see how pretty they are, but that I don’t actually want to be with them. Not that way. Shane’s just sat there, looking at me. His eyes fixed on mine. That same look Kyle had. That he really doesn’t care what I am saying to him. That it doesn’t matter. That he still wants to be friends. Shane needs friends.

I guess I wasn’t really telling Shane how I feel about him. I was telling myself.

“Come on,” Shane said, “we’ve just got time to march back to the dorm and collect our kit for this afternoon’s classes. Make sure I keep in step with you, Boots.” He jumped to his feet, put his cap on, waited for me to do the same, stepped off in unison with me, arms stiff, eyes front, perfectly in step.

* * *

That afternoon, after classes, I went straight back to the dorm to change for tea. Noah was already there, changed into smarts and sat on his bed sketching as he waited for the rest of us to arrive.

“What have you drawn, Noah?”

“A picture, Boots.” 

Yes, I bloody well know it’s a picture. That’s not what I am asking. Well, okay, it is what I asked. But it’s not what I meant. I wanted to know what it was a picture of. I need to ask the exact question. For once, Noah didn’t wait for me to ask the exact question. He held the sketch pad out for me to see.

“It’s you, Boots, marching back from lunch today. You looked smart.”

It’s a good picture. Not one of his detailed, almost photographic pictures, just a sketch. Hardly more than a dozen lines. But it’s clearly me.

“Not bad, Noah, but you missed out Shane. He was there too, remember?”

Noah nodded. “Yes, but you looked alone.”

* * *