Just a dumb fuck

Bring on the dancing horses

It was almost seven o’clock by the time I had climbed out of the shower in my bedroom and changed into some fresh clothes – barbeques are great but the aftermath is that I was smelling like a kipper by the end of the afternoon. As I glanced through the window down towards the boat house I could see that Jeremiah and Elijah had hauled the speedboat up out of the water and were busy washing it down and then drying it off. It’s not surprising it looks so good despite being almost a hundred years old.

There was a gentle knock at my bedroom door, followed by Mrs Bauer’s voice. “May I come in, Craig?”

I called out, “Yes” and made my way over towards the door as it opened and Mrs Bauer stepped through, closing the door behind her.

She smiled and sat down on the edge of one of the armchairs in the room. “You’re looking very smart again, Craig. I’ll come straight to the point. While you were changing I telephoned your father – I have his number from when I spoke to him to invite you here – and told him about what Elizabeth and I discovered regarding the issue with the Oakdale girls. He’s certainly very relieved to hear the truth but, obviously, quite concerned about you. I’ve assured him you’re fine but of course he’ll be worrying about you. I know you usually speak to him around this time on Sunday evenings so I’ll keep Nathan out of the way for the next hour or however long you need. We’ll all be downstairs if you need anything. Just take your time and don’t worry, I’m sure all will be fine.”

As Mrs Bauer left and closed the door behind her, I walked over to the mahogany desk and sat down in the green leather chair behind it. It was an old chair, with a real patina of age and that sculpted feel that envelops you, the feel that only well-worn chairs have. The sort you sit in, rather than sit on.

I slipped my iPhone onto the desk and propped it up facing me using one of the books from the bookcase as a rest. Five minutes to seven. I hit the dial button and started the video caller. Dad answered it immediately, just like I knew he would. We run our calls on army time.

“Hi dad.” I was trying to smile, to look carefree. Like this was just our normal Sunday evening call where he’d tell me what he’d been up to all week, except of course he never can so he just says he’s been busy, and then asks me about school and my sports and checks I’m looking after mum. This isn’t our normal Sunday evening call. I’m not sure we’ll have another normal Sunday evening call.

“Hi Craig, how are you? You’re looking good. Looks like you’re somewhere very impressive, I guess they have a library at Nathan’s house.”

I looked around, caught a little off guard. Dad can see I’m sat at a big desk with the book case behind me.

“No dad, this is just my bedroom. The one Nathan’s letting me stay in.” I picked up the phone and did a full three-sixty-degree spin around the room. “It’s actually the smallest bedroom he gave me a choice of, dad. The others were way bigger but I liked this one. And there’s a bathroom behind this book case.”

Dad smiled. “Definitely the Governor’s Mansion then. I’ve got a plan, son. Listen carefully…” As dad gave an exaggerated look around him and leaned forward towards his phone, he lowered his voice. “Have a casual stroll around, find out where the vault is. I’ll commandeer a helicopter and abseil down onto the roof when everyone is asleep and we’ll make off with the gold. Remember the trick with the talcum powder…”

I burst out laughing. Dad and me have been planning a gold heist ever since he took me to see ‘Mission Impossible” at the cinema. Every time we have been to a museum or something similar since then we have driven mum to distraction by pretending we’re casing the joint to steal their paintings at midnight.

“Okay, dad. But we can make our get away by river. Everybody will be looking up at the helicopter and won’t notice if we slip into the boat shed and sneak off in their speedboat.”

“Good thinking, son.”

“Dad…”

I didn’t need to tell him. Just as I searched for the words I needed, he looked right at me. He was smiling.

“It’s okay, Craig, I know. It’s nothing to worry about. I had my suspicions, and Mrs Bauer has already told me I was pretty much right. We can talk about it on Wednesday when I come to college, but for now just try to put it out of your mind and enjoy your stay with the Bauers. I gather from Mrs Bauer you made quite an impression on the Pittsburgh social scene yesterday: she sent me a web link to your photos in this morning’s papers. I think we’ll have to contact the papers when I’m there and get a copy of the prints to take back to your mum. See if she can tell if you’re a waiter or double-oh-seven.”

I was laughing again. That’s what I like about my dad. Always taking the mickey out of me. For the next twenty minutes we were both rabbiting away about James Bond and boxing and stealing paintings and how Nathan had let me drive his car up and down their driveway and how baseball is just like rounders and lots of other stuff like that. Talking just like we used to do when I was smaller and he was in Iraq or Afghanistan. The stress had just kind of evaporated. So much so that I heard myself saying something else almost without realising I was going to say it.

“Dad, there’s another thing I have to tell you…”

* * *

It was nearly eight o’clock when I walked down the ornate stairs into the entrance hall, then realised the house was so big I didn’t have a clue where to look for Nathan or Mrs Bauer. Maybe I should have knocked on Nathan’s bedroom door as I passed it to check if he was in his room. That would have been the sensible thing to do. I was just about to turn around and climb back up the south face of Mount Staircase when a side door opened and Mrs Bauer appeared.

“Oh, hello Craig, I was just thinking about you. Is everything fine? You look happy.”

“Yes, Mrs Bauer, everything is fine. And thank you for talking to dad. It did make things easier.”

“Not at all, Craig, it was a pleasure to help. And please, do call me Angela. Mrs Bauer is so formal.”

I smiled. “Thank you, Angela.”

“Now, I’m sure you’ll be looking for Nathan and Jackson. They were going to be in Nathan’s room but Nathan decided to take Jackson round to the stables instead where we keep our horses. Elizabeth decided to groom them herself tonight. If you go through that door there and follow the corridor to the end, then out through the orangery, you’ll come to the stable yard.”

As I set off down the corridor, I couldn’t help but smirk. This has to be another battle in the war between Nat and Elizabeth. First Nat invites Jackson to stay, then when Elizabeth decides to keep out of his way he goes and throws Jackson at her. Or under the hooves of her horses anyway.

* * *

I found the stable yard easily enough and could hear voices from inside the long, low building which was clearly where the horses were kept. I went in cautiously, not sure if the horses were likely to be penned in or roaming free. Fortunately, the interior of the building was divided up into separate stalls for the horses and all the gates were closed. I’m not a great fan of horses. Not close up, anyway: they’re big, have giant teeth and kick.

Nat was sat on a bale of hay outside one of the stalls. He’d changed in a clean white shirt and a fresh pair of tan coloured chinos. The charcoal whiskers had been washed off too.

“Don’t be so nervous, Craig,” came Elizabeth’s voice from inside one of the stalls. “The horses can sense it a mile away. It makes them skittish. They think there must be a predator about if you’re scared.”

“I’m not scared of horses,” I said, then added, “Just their hooves.”

Nathan laughed. “That’s why I’m sat out here, Craig. Only an idiot gets into a confined space with half a ton of ill-tempered muscle.”

“Oh, I think Boots has proven he’s pretty well qualified there. He didn’t back down from getting into the ring with me or Jayden.”

Bloody Hell, it’s Jackson! I didn’t see him in there with Elizabeth, he’d almost hidden by the horse. He’s actually in there holding the bridle or whatever it’s called as Elizabeth brushes it. He’s patting it too. He’ll be whispering in its ear or breathing up its nose next to try and impress Elizabeth. Elizabeth’s actually smiling too, properly smiling rather than one of her sarky smiles.

Elizabeth had changed into a pair of old jeans and a pale-yellow T shirt. I couldn’t help feeling slightly disappointed though: as I walked across the stable yard I’d been imagining her in tight fitting jodhpurs. Yes, I know it sounds daft, but that’s what horsey girls wear. Footballers too in America. Kyle’s are so tight I’m sure they must be sprayed on to him.

“If you’re going to be useful instead of standing there gawping, Craig, pass me that bucket of feed over.”

“Sorry, Elizabeth,” I spluttered, looking round desperately for whatever bucket she was on about. Nathan slyly pointed a finger towards the adjacent stall where several buckets were lined up alongside a sack labelled “Premium Equine Nutrition Supplement.” I picked up a bucket that was half full of a mixture of what appeared to be grain and extruded pellety things. I guess it’s the horse equivalent of muesli. It makes grass look appetising by comparison.

Carefully, I passed the bucket over the stall door to Elizabeth. Jackson was peering over the horse’s neck and grinning. “He won’t bite you, Boots.”

“No, but she might.” Elizabeth was the first to laugh at that.

Nat stood up and stepped towards me. “Come on, Boots, let’s go and hide away before my big sister tasks you with shovelling up all the horse shit. I know you’re far too polite to refuse. See you later, Jackson, the spades are over in the corner.”

Nathan led the way across the yard and back towards the house.

“Jackson was right, Boots. Thunderchild wouldn’t have bitten you, but my horse might have. Mine’s the grey that was a couple of stalls along. Well, he’s more or less Elizabeth’s horse now, she’s even renamed him ‘Mist’. He’s docile around her but he’s nipped me a few times. I’m sure she taught him to do it. I thought he might be a bit antsy towards Jackson too but he just stood there as placid as anything and let Jackson brush him.”

I hadn’t thought that one of the horses might have been Nathan’s. I just assumed that they were Elizabeth’s and her mum’s. Well, horses are a girly thing, aren’t they? They are back home anyway. But this is America, so it could be a cowboy heritage thing with guys too. Rodeos and riding the ranges and cavalry chasing the Indians. Travis probably has horses on his farm. And the idea of Jackson brushing a horse. That’s definitely amusing. First Elizabeth showed Jayden up at guy stuff like archery, then she’s got Jackson signing up for Pony Club. No wonder Will calls her Lara Croft!

“What’s amusing you, Boots?”

“Oh, nothing Nat.”

“Deefer…”

* * *

Back in Nathan’s room I thought he might suggest that we watch a film or play games on his console, but instead he switched on his hi-fi and put a record, one of those proper big, black, vinyl records, on his turntable. As the valves on the amplifier began to glow and warm up, music slowly began to seep out of the many speakers placed around the room. It’s hard to describe, but the sound was quite different to listening to anything on my iPhone. Nathan didn’t turn it up loud, just let it fill in as background.

“It’s ‘Summertime’ Boots, from ‘Porgy and Bess’.” Nat wandered over to his desk and poured us each a glass of whisky, placed mine on the low table beside the leather armchair I was sat in.

“So, Boots, how did things go with your dad? Not that you have to tell me, but if you do want to talk about it…” He left the question hanging, inviting an answer. Just like he always does.

I smiled. “It was okay, Nat. We’re fine. Your mom had already told him about the party. About what really happened. That made things easier. We didn’t talk about it for long, we can sort things out properly on Wednesday when he comes to college.”

“So, what happens next, Boots? I guess there’ll be no need for your dad to take you away now. That’s good, I’m going to need you to make sure the dorm wins the military training competition at the end of semester. That’d be a real high for Kyle to end on as dorm senior and me to start with. And before then, there’s the trip to Dakota for Thanksgiving at Travis’s place. He mentioned it again this afternoon.”

I took a small sip of the whisky and looked at Nat as he lounged back in his chair. His skin is nearly as white as his shirt, and both make his hair really stand out.

“Nat…”

He looked over at me, not saying anything, but not needing to: his eyes said it all for him. I took a deep breath.

“I told my dad something else, too. I told him I’m gay, Nat.”

For a moment Nat said nothing, then asked, “How did he take that?” I could tell from his face that he wasn’t asking just out of politeness. He really wanted to know. It mattered to him.

“He’s okay with it, I think. He actually laughed.”

Nathan looked concerned. “He laughed?”

“Yes, he laughed and asked if he could keep my toy soldiers and model tanks if I wanted a Barbie doll instead?”

Nathan almost fell out of his chair. “He actually said that?”

I was laughing too now, I’ve never seen Nat so startled before, looking so worried.

“It’s good, Nat, it means nothing’s changed.”

It was true. Saying something daft like that was probably the best thing my dad could have said. I hadn’t expected him to disown me or anything dramatic like that. He wouldn’t do that. I think I had been scared he would just quietly accept it. Not say much, but that deep down he’d be disappointed. Taking the mickey out of me like that just kind of said it didn’t matter. I guess we’ll talk about it more on Wednesday but he knows now. Wednesday will just be tidying up the details. Filing the ‘after action’ report. What matters is I know dad’s cool about it. Just so long as he doesn’t get me some rainbow-coloured rank badges or something.

Nathan was still looking perplexed. “Wow,” he said at last, “I didn’t expect that.”

“How about you, Nat? What was it like when you told your parents?”

Nat looked puzzled. “I haven’t told them, Boots. I guess they kind of worked it out when I brought Kyle here for the first time. We just don’t talk about it directly. Either just snipe from the side-lines or ignore it and pretend it’ll go away.”

I was stumped. “But Nat, some of the things Elizabeth said. Your mom, even. And stuff you said in front of them?”

“It’s complicated, Boots. Everything in this family is. I didn’t know I was gay to start with. I’ve kind of always liked looking at guys but I didn’t think of it as being gay. I guess I was too young at first to understand what being gay was. And anyway, I liked girls too. As I got older, I started dating girls. I thought that I would just grow out of liking guys and grow into liking girls. When dad caught me in bed with a girl he just turned a blind eye. I think he was kind of relieved I wasn’t going to turn out like great grandpa. More girls followed. I thought that if I could fuck girls then I wasn’t gay. That started to get to my parents. I guess I kind of flaunted it a bit, and that was what really pissed them off. Not really the right sort of behaviour in the public eye. I can do what the hell I like in private, but respectability is critical in the public eye. I guess that is a bit like you and your tweets.”

I nodded. “Yes, not really the done thing for ‘an officer and a gentleman.’ Or a baby Governor.”

Nathan chuckled. He likes it when I call him ‘baby Governor’.

“Anyway, dad shipped me off to Allegheny Alcatraz. Keeps me out of the public eye until I grow up but also fits in nicely with the plan. Alcatraz, West Point, a few years in Washington making contacts working as a staffer in Congress or something, and then come back here to continue the dynasty. All nice and neat. It didn’t matter that I had no interest in the army, that I want to be an actor or play jazz. That won’t be allowed to get in the way of duty to the family.”

Nathan paused to take a sip of his whisky, then continued.

“I guess it kind of all blew up when I met Kyle. He was a sergeant last year, the dorm senior of the dorm just along the corridor from mine. I kind of fell for him right away, and it was so cool that he was gay and nobody gave two hoots about it. First chance I got, I invited him back here for a weekend. Partly because I fancied him of course, but also to annoy my parents. I didn’t know about Lee, but when I made a play for Kyle he just wasn’t interested. Told me to stop being a dipshit and to grow up. Which, to be fair, I probably needed to be told. It certainly endeared him to mom and dad.”

“Ouch,” I said.

“When we got back to college, after a very frosty weekend here, Kyle didn’t mention it to anyone. He just carried on being Kyle. The guy everybody likes. But things had kind of changed for me. I actually felt guilty at trying to use him to get at my parents. I started trying to get back in his good books, to show him I wasn’t just an immature kid. He has that kind of effect on people.”

I smiled. “Yes, I’ve noticed. He does it to me too.”

“The more I tried to impress him, the more I found I had started to like being at Alcatraz. As schools go, it’s pretty much the best around. Work hard, play hard. And people don’t care who you are, or where you came from, they care what you will become.”

I wasn’t quite sure about that last bit. I know what Nat meant, that being the Governor’s son was no big thing, but that’s because everyone else at the college is from the same kind of background. It’s a bit different for me. Nobody’s said anything about my background but that’s simply just because they all seem to assume I’m just like them. I wouldn’t be there otherwise, would I?

“So, I sort of became respectable, at college anyway. The model student. Always first to take on extra duties. Got noticed. Got made a Corporal at the end of my second semester. It started out as an act, just a role to be played to keep dad happy and impress Kyle, then I kind of realised it was becoming part of the real me. Somewhere along the way Kyle and I became friends, and then at the end of the year he asked me to transfer to his dorm for this year and help him out as his second in command. Maybe take over from him in due course. It seemed a good career move, so I took it on. I actually like doing it too.”

“What do your parents think? And Elizabeth?”

Nathan smiled. “You’ve seen, Boots. Dad’s happy. He can pat me on the head, point out to everyone how well I’m doing at Allegheny, expects me to be Captain of Cadets in due course. I probably will be too: that Humvee and the stream of National Guard instructors he sends along will help with that even if I screw up. Which I don’t plan to do, but it’s a good safety net to have. Mom’s pretty much the same too, as long as I don’t rock the boat in public. Appearances matter. The one thing that they can’t control is the money I will inherit from great grandpa when I turn eighteen. He was very much the black sheep of the family back in his day too. I think we would have got on well. He broke a few rules during Prohibition, scandalised Pittsburgh now and again by some of his behaviour. Still served several terms as Governor though.” Nathan smirked before continuing. “He was married of course, and produced the necessary heir, but there were lots of rumours…”

“And Elizabeth?”

“She loves the drama! I know it doesn’t seem like it to you, Boots, but me and Elizabeth get along really well. We both love winding each other, and other people up, playing our roles in public, behaving how we like in private. Times have changed too, Boots. Elizabeth is the future of this family. Nothing to stop her being the next Governor instead of me. She can inherit the family money and I’ll go and earn my own. Great grandpa’s money will start me off and, if I screw up and lose it all, I can come to you to teach me how to catch rats and rabbits and stew them.”

I burst out laughing, remembering that’s exactly what I’d said to him out on the boat this morning.

“I can, can’t I?” asked Nat.

I wasn’t quite sure what to say. It would have been easy enough to say ‘yes’, to carry on the joke, but that’s not right. There’s something more I haven’t told Nat yet. Something I need to tell him. I’m just not sure how. But I do know I have to be truthful. Nat sensed my hesitation.

“Boots?”

I wish Nat wouldn’t do this. He’s really got some sort of sixth sense, an ability to know when I am holding something back. It’s not that want to hide this from him. I just don’t know how to tell him. I’m not even sure yet what it is that I am trying to tell him.

“I’m sorry Boots, I shouldn’t pry. You’ve had a tough few weeks. Probably today’s been hardest of all. I should have been more thoughtful. But can I ask, is there something between you and Shane? It’s okay if there is, I’ll keep out of it. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have assumed things about us.”

I’ve hurt him, and that’s the last thing I wanted to do. He’s smiling, but I can see it in his eyes. He thinks I’ve rejected him. Right after what he told me about Kyle rejecting him too. That’s got to hurt. And he’s wrong. I do want to teach him how to catch rabbits. To go to Dakota with him. To do anything with him.

“No, Nat, there’s nothing between me and Shane. I wanted there to be, but there isn’t. He doesn’t feel the same way about me as I do about him, he’s straight. We’re good though, we’re still friends. I’m always going to like him, but it’s never going to be more than just us being friends.”

I could see relief flash across Nathan’s face, his eyes lighting up again. Everything is back on track.

Except it isn’t.  

How do I tell Nat that I had talked to dad about him, just as he said I should this morning when we were on the boat? How do I tell him what dad said?

As I struggled to decide what to say, we heard the sound of footsteps approaching and voices in the corridor outside. Elizabeth and Jackson. There was a brief knock at the door and then Elizabeth stuck her head round it and then came in. Jackson followed.

“I think this belongs to you, baby brother,” said Elizabeth, “He followed me back from the stables. I’ll leave him with you.” She smiled at Jackson, one of her nice smiles, and then left. I glanced at my watch. It was almost ten o’clock.

Jackson looked at us both, saw the whisky glasses and frowned but said nothing about them.

“Hi Nat, just thought I’d check what time you plan to get up in the morning? We should get back to college in time for seven if we want breakfast, and to change into uniform ready for first classes at eight. That will mean leaving here at no later than six.”

“Oh, me and Boots weren’t planning to go back tomorrow,” said Nat. “We’re off to join the French Foreign Legion. You can come too if you like.”

Jackson look dumbfounded for a moment, then realised that Nat was just winding him up when Nat added, “Milly will do breakfast for us before we leave here. If we’re down in the kitchen by six, we can eat before we leave at around six thirty and be at college in plenty of time to change. That suit you?”

Jackson smiled and nodded. “Yes, that’s fine. I think it’s time for us all to turn in now. It’s been a tiring day and we have to be up early tomorrow. I’ll see you both in the morning.”

“Good night, Jackson,” we both said in unison.

Jackson didn’t leave.

Nathan looked at him, raised his eyebrows. “Your’s is the next bedroom along, Jackson. Sorry, I should have reminded you. Come on, I’ll show you. I’ll be back in a moment, Boots.” Nathan stood up and guided Jackson from the room. I heard them disappear down the corridor, then a door open nearby as Nathan showed Jackson into one of the other bedrooms.

It was almost quarter past ten by the time Nathan returned.

“Sorry Boots, that took longer than I thought. Jackson wanted to talk. Anyway, where were we?”

“It’s okay Nat, and Jackson’s right. I should be getting to sleep too. We do need to be up early in the morning.” I put my unfinished glass of whisky down and stood up to leave. “Thanks, Nat, for everything. It’s been a great weekend. I really am grateful for what you’ve done for me. The guys will have enjoyed it too, it was really nice for us all to relax together away from college.”

Nat drained his glass and looked at me. “It’s no problem, Boots, you actually saved me a whole load of hassle by agreeing to go to the exhibition.” He paused, looked at my glass, looked at me.

“You’ve not drunk much, Boots, and I didn’t put a lot in your glass to begin with. You can take it to your room and finish it there if you like. Unless you’d like to stay here tonight.”