Just a dumb fuck

Lacta alea est

With it being a Saturday, dinner was less formal with everyone being free to sit more or less where they liked, except, of course, that the staff have their own table and the cadet officers tend to all group together on a table. I was one of the first to arrive and so was soon at the counter selecting a main course. I chose chicken in a sauce with some rice and spinach and started to look around the dining room for somewhere to sit. I wasn’t sure whether to go and sit at an empty table and see if anybody joined me, or to go and join a table with some people already on it. There were some artillery cadets already in on one table, and a few of the water polo team on another. Both of those would be good tables.

I made my way over to the artillery table and was just about to sit down when all the guys looked up, saw me, and stood up.

“Please, sit down, gentleman,” I said in my best effort to imitate the Commandant’s voice, and sat down myself at an empty seat. The guys all remained standing. What are they playing at? And why is everyone on the other tables suddenly standing up?

As a hand fell gently on my shoulder, a voice behind me said “Nearly there, Cadet Wright, but a touch closer to Virginia than North Carolina.” Bloody hell, it’s the Commandant!

I jumped to my feet immediately. “Sorry Sir, I didn’t see you enter the room.”

“Evidently,” smiled the Commandant and then, to everyone else, “As Cadet Wright said on my behalf, please sit down and carry on with your meal. Now gentlemen, do you mind if I join your table this evening? Perhaps you could tell me a little about your cannon…”

Of course, the Commandant already knows everything there is to know about the cannon, but it broke the ice with the artillerymen and soon they were telling him all about the cannon and its history, and how it would have been used in the Civil War and how it came to be at the school. The Commandant listened and joined in, adding a few corrections where needed and generally adding to the lore of the school. I was fascinated, I’d liked learning how to load the cannon and fire it but now I was discovering more about its history and tactical usage without sitting through a formal lecture. That’s the best sort of learning.

After a while the Commandant turned to me and asked, “How was your trip into town? You seem to be back early.”

I hesitated a second then said, ”I didn’t actually go, Sir. I am grateful for the pass you and Captain Davis signed for me, I really am, but I let a friend use it instead. I felt he deserved it more. I stayed here and practiced my swimming.”

The Commandant didn’t seem annoyed, he just nodded and then after a few more minutes chatting with the other guys on the table took his leave of us and went to sit down on the staff table for his meal as other staff members began to arrive. We don’t have to stand up for them at meals, though we do when we’re in classes and they enter the classroom. We stand for Jackson too, now he’s Captain of Cadets, unless the Commandant has already arrived. Basically it boils down to standing up to show respect for the most senior person. It’s not as complicated as it sounds, people soon get the hang of it.

I’d finished my main course and went to get some fruit for my dessert when a group of officer cadets came in, Jackson and Jayden amongst them. Jackson peeled off to the go to the staff table whilst the others headed over to the table with some officer cadets already on it. Jackson saw me but didn’t say anything, just nodded and carried on to the staff dining table. Jayden scowled and said something to a couple of other cadets but I wasn’t sure it was about me. Instead of going back to my table I just grabbed an apple and went through to the ante-room, sat down in a corner out of the way, and picked up a newspaper to read for a while. Jackson hadn’t actually said what time I was to see him, just ‘after dinner’, and I wasn’t sure where his new room was either. Now he’s promoted to Captain of Cadets he’s moved out from the room he shared with Cole and has his own room. I think it’s on the same corridor but I’m not totally certain. Maybe Jayden knows where it is, but it’s probably not a good idea to go and ask, especially after what I said to him in the changing rooms. If I wait here, Jackson will see me when he comes out from dinner and will tell me what time to go and see him, and where. Maybe we’ll just go to the Orderly Office.

It seemed an absolute age before a group of officer cadets, Jackson amongst them, came out of the dining room and into the ante-room. As they wandered over to help themselves to coffee and the best seats, Jackson broke away from them and came over to me. Jayden and several others cast a glance in my direction but said nothing.

“If you’re free now, Boots, let’s take a walk around the grounds. It would be a shame to waste a fine evening like this, we may not get so many more now autumn is closing in.” I stood and followed him outside, neither of us saying anything.

I wasn’t sure what to say. It had seemed a good idea to ask to speak to him, to explain what might happen, but now I was no longer sure. What exactly should I say? Perhaps it would have been better to wait until Monday, to do this formally. To March In to the Orderly Office. Salute him. Wait to be told to stand easy. All those little cues and rules to observe, to put order and formality around things. Everything neatly in a little box. When to speak. How to address him. Now, just walking across the lawn to the rose garden, everything was unbounded. Open. No protocols. Jackson must have some sense of why I want to see him. Coach will have said something. Jayden definitely will. And I wasn’t there at training either. My name wasn’t on the fixtures list. Jackson knows how much that chance to box for the college means to me.

What the bloody hell do I tell him? He’s heard the original rumours of course. Everyone has. Most people just give me a sly grin and seem to think the real thing I did wrong was getting caught. What they think happened isn’t what really happened. Well, it is, partly, but not the way they think it did. And now someone is saying different. I’m not sure exactly what the pool supervisor’s told Coach, or the others, but it won’t be the version I can live with. I can tell that from the reactions of Coach. Of Jayden. The way Coach could hardly bear to look at me. Didn’t want any trophy with my name on it in the college cabinet. His cabinet. I don’t blame him for that.

I think I’ve always known this day would come. Right from the day of the party. The wrong version of the truth would get out. It was inevitable from the moment I decided not to tell the truth. Leaving Oakdale, coming here, that just postponed things. Delayed things. Gave me time to try and think of a way forward. To try and work things out. It hasn’t helped. If anything I’m just sinking deeper. What happened with Shane has just made things more complicated. Added a new problem. Now I have two things to tell dad about. Maybe they’re part of the same thing, but they are different too. This is going to hurt Shane. He trusted me. Opened up and told me his story, confided things in me that he’s told very few other people. I didn’t really help him either. I just thought of myself, didn’t realise he didn’t think the same way about me as I feel about him. How bad is it going to make him feel when he hears what Coach has to say?

It’ll be the same for the other guys too. Not as bad as for Shane, but they’ll feel betrayed too. That I didn’t tell them the truth. That I took their friendship. Maybe I’m already starting to lose that. Travis hasn’t mentioned anything more about going home with him to Dakota for Thanksgiving. And this afternoon, when I gave him my pass, Will said that they could all go bowling, and to the movies, just like we used to do. Before I turned up and started to screw things up? At least they have Kyle to steady the ship for them. Nathan too. Kyle sets them an amazing example. He’s more like a big brother than the dorm senior. He’s going to be disappointed in me too. I know him and Nathan said to talk to them, but this is something I can’t share with them. If they have to choose sides it’s best they stick by the guys. Shane especially. He deserves better than this.

Telling Jackson, it’s not really about whether it’s a good idea or a bad idea. He needs to know, he needs warning of what is coming so he can get things squared off and protect the college. I owe him that.  Dad was right about Jackson. He’s a smart guy. Ruthless. Like Alexander. But that’s a good thing too. He didn’t need to give Kyle the Sword of Honour. It may have been a brilliant tactical move to boost his own reputation, to eliminate a challenger too, but I think he also did it because it was the right thing to do. People can be ruthless and honourable.

“Boots?”

I’d been so pre-occupied with my thoughts that, without realising it, I’d led Jackson all the way across the playing fields, to the bench overlooking the pond. Or had he led me here? I wasn’t consciously heading here. We just ended up here. Neither of us had said a word until now.

Jackson sat down on the bench, gestured to me to sit down too. This would be so much easier in the Orderly Office on Monday morning.

“I take it you want to tell me something, Boots?” He’s just looking straight ahead, towards the pond, not at me. Quiet and calm. “And I’m guessing it’s not a lecture on how to avoid trip flares, though that might have been useful this morning. Maybe you have other traps on your mind.”

This was a bad idea, but I’m here now. I can’t put it off any more. I have to tell him something. Usually I have problems keeping my mouth shut, now I’m struggling to open it. To find the right words anyway.

“Jackson,” – should I be calling him by his Christian name? Too bloody late now to worry about that. “Jackson, you’re going to hear some bad things about me. About why I had to leave Oakdale. Why my dad sent me here. Not just about the girls. There’s more to it than that. It could look bad on the college.”

Jackson turned to look at me.

“I know, Boots. I know about the Rohypnol.”

I felt sick. Jackson’s words were quiet and measured. Devoid of emotion. They cut straight through me. Reverberated off every tree and ricocheted all the way over to the college buildings. Echoed back. I know. I know. I know…

Jackson knows. Coach must have told him first of all. Or Jayden told him. Maybe he’s known for days. When did the new pool supervisor start? When did he first see me here? Why hasn’t Jackson said anything before now? The Commandant must know too. Coach would have told him. Jackson would have told him. They will close ranks and start to protect the college’s reputation. That’s what happens in places like this. This time, it’s a good thing. What I did has nothing to do with college. They have to avoid being tarnished.

“Your dad told us why you were here, Boots. About what he had found in your browser history. How you refused to explain it. This isn’t a college for rehabilitating teenage delinquents, Boots, no matter how much Kyle might like it to be. It’s a college to educate, train and inspire future generations of leaders. For the services, for the diplomatic corps, for business, for academia. For America. There is no shortage of applicants. Places here are over-subscribed every year. I don’t think you can begin to appreciate how privileged you are to be admitted. Somehow your father managed to call in favours that I can’t believe. The Commandant agreed to take you in. Entrusted you to perhaps the one person who might be able to make an impression on you. Tried to turn you around. Maybe there was even a chance of that.”

I don’t want to hear this. I know I need to hear it, but I don’t want to hear it. Jackson doesn’t seem angry. He’s not flown into a rage and beaten me to a pulp like Jayden or Connor might. He’s just laying down the facts in front of me.

“Some of the deputies who assist with the ‘Teen Driver’ programme recognised you. Dropped a hint or two about what was found in the bedroom. People began to put two and two together. How a fourteen-year-old boy might manage to take advantage of girls who would normally be way out of his league. Particularly as you’re built more like a sixteen- or seventeen-year-old. And you’re smart too. No one doubts that. So when you got caught, playing the under-age innocent led astray by the older girls was a natural way out for you. If it had gone to court, the girls would have been charged, not you. Right so far?”

I said nothing.

“So it got hushed up. Both sides had too much to lose. You. The girls. Oakdale High itself. Somehow your dad managed to get you in here. Out of sight, out of mind perhaps. Away from the questions at least. Maybe a chance for you to redeem yourself. And you actually started to do that Boots, but now the questions are starting again.”

Jackson is still looking at me. Through me.

“So what’s your game plan, Boots? Why are we here? What are you hoping to get from me? A pat on the back and big hug, to be told ‘it’s all going to be fine’? You might do better to try that approach with Kyle. Or do you think you’ve got some kind of hold over me? That you can threaten to tell people about me and Jayden if I don’t somehow make all this go away?”

That’s the nearest I’ve ever come to hitting Jackson. Out of the ring, anyway. His words electrified me. I’d jumped to my feet and actually balled up my fists before I realised how stupid that must look to him. My mouth was already opening though.

“No! Just what do you take me for?”

“A liar. Now sit down, Boots. Cut the drama.”

I slumped back down on to the bench. It wasn’t that I had lied, exactly, just not told the entire truth. Kept some things hidden. Let people put their own interpretations on the grey areas. I hadn’t lied. Dad was right about Jackson: he’s smart. He cut straight through my story and arrived at something close to the truth. Far closer than I ever wanted to go. This is not what I had planned. I didn’t really have a plan to get me out of this. I just wanted to put my side over to Jackson, to let him know what was going to happen. So he could do what he had to do to minimise its effect on the college.

“Jackson, I know I’m screwing things up for everybody. That’s why I wanted to warn you, give you a chance to start putting the sparks out before they blaze up. This doesn’t have to affect the college, it happened before I came here. When I get back I’m going to call my dad. I have some things to tell him. Then I’ll be gone. The college won’t get dragged into it. Your captaincy won’t get sullied either.”

Jackson sat quietly for a moment, still calm. Still probing me with his laser beam eyes. His words, when they came, were quiet too. Forcing me to strain to hear them.  “So you’re planning to run away and hide again? How long do you think you can keep doing that?”

“I’m not running away, Jackson. I know what’s coming to me, sooner or later. I may as well make it sooner. But there’s no reason to get the college dragged down. I like it here. People have been good to me. I need to repay that. If I leave, that can happen. My dad will come and collect me as soon as I tell him.”

Boots, what’s the college motto? The three words carved in stone over the front door?”

“Honor. Integrity. Courage.”

“And what are the first three qualities outlined in the ‘Cadet’s Creed’, Boots?”

“Honor. Integrity. Courage.” It didn’t sound like my voice. Someone else is saying my words for me.

“Correct, Boots. Those are the three most important values we have here. The fundamental reason this college exists. Without them, we are nothing.”

Where is this going?

“You’ve shown courage, Boots. You’re finally starting to think. To face up to what you’ve done. Courage is easy, but where is the honor? The integrity? Do you think those can be rebuilt? Assuming you had honor and integrity to begin with. Your dad seems to thinks so. The Commandant thinks so. Kyle and Nathan believe in you. But I’m seeing very little reason to believe in you. If you want to repay that trust they have placed in you, if you want to convince me you’ve changed, you won’t run away. You’ll stay and face the music. Accept the consequences of your actions. You do know what that means, don’t you?”

I know what that means. I could leave college. Call for my dad to come and get me. Tell him what I have to tell him. Be sent home in disgrace. Assuming dad does send me home. That’s by no means certain. I have to set things in motion. Tell the Commandant. Arrange for my dad to come here. Except it won’t be him taking me home. I’ll probably be leaving here in a police cruiser.

Jackson is still looking at me. I didn’t expect this to go well. He’s not going to wave a magic wand and make it all go away. He’s telling me what I ought to do. What I already know is necessary. He’s only confirming it. I think I just needed to hear that from someone else. If Shane can face up to doing the right thing, then I have to. I know it’s not exactly the same: Shane wasn’t to blame for what his parents did, but he had the courage to do the right thing and call the police.

“Jackson, I’m not running. I’m staying. I have to face up to what is coming.”