“Why do I feel like I’m about to be humbled?” Archie asked as they stepped out of the car.
“I don’t know,” Graham responded, stepping onto the sidewalk and tucking his car key into the pocket of his running shorts. “I think I should be the one worried about that. This might be the day you finally realize how old I am.”
“Shut up, you’re not old,” Archie groaned, walking forward and giving Graham a peck on the lips. “You’re just…seasoned.”
Graham raised an eyebrow. “That’s it, I’m not coming.”
Archie laughed, grabbing Graham’s hand and pulling him away from the car. “Oh, yes you are. I’m not letting you back out on me now.”
Graham rolled his eyes and resigned, letting his eyes drift over Archie as he began some basic warmups.
They’d awoken slowly that morning, last night’s heaviness still hanging over them like soreness in their muscles. Archie stirred first, making coffee and bringing it to Graham in bed. They drank in silence, naked on top of the covers, their feet knocking against each other gently, playfully, all the communication they needed for a while, until, eventually, the morning progressed, the day growing more beautiful, and Archie suggested they go do something outside.
It was a welcome suggestion, a return to levity and sunshine that they both needed to clear their heads. Graham proposed going for a run, somewhere pleasant and scenic, like the park he’d frequented over the last few weeks, and to his surprise Archie had lit up at the idea, excited at the prospect of a workout partner. Graham, too, had been thrilled, but now, watching Archie’s lean, limber body stretch against a bench, he felt a sudden wave of intimidation.
He wore black running shorts that showed off the sculpted definition of his quads and an orange tank top that radiated against his golden skin, framing his shoulders and biceps like a piece of artwork. Graham had to remind himself to take a breath, hoping the liner of his own shorts had enough compression to keep him from any embarrassment.
“I was just thinking three or four miles,” Graham explained as he began his own set of warm up exercises. “That sound okay?”
“Sounds good to me! I'll just try to keep up.”
“Your flattery is much appreciated.”
“Don’t act like I don’t already know what that body of yours is capable of,” Archie smirked.
Graham tried not to stare as he sank into a low squat, stretching out his hips and lower back, reminding Graham of other activities where he had assumed a similar position.
“What?” Archie asked, catching Graham's stare.
“Nothing,” Graham blushed. “I’m just wondering why we waited so long to get you in those shorts.”
Archie stood up and smirked, pressing his hips forward and stretching out his lower back. “Same to you. I’m sure they’ll look just as good on the floor later when we get home.”
With that he took off in a light jog down the trail. Graham laughed, shook out the electric jolt Archie's comment had elicited, and set off after him.
Five miles and fifty minutes later, they rounded the trail and entered the main area of the park, dropping to a cool down pace and heading to a small bench resting beneath the shade of a large oak tree.
“Man,” Archie said, breathing heavily. “I thought I was in better shape.”
Graham laughed. “You did great.”
“No, I survived. There's a difference.”
Graham placed his foot on the back of the bench and began to stretch while Archie plopped down on the seat. Graham rolled his eyes, remembering the days when his body didn’t require the extended warm up or cooldown time to prevent injury. He envied that effortless youth. On the other hand, his ego was sufficiently bolstered by the fact that he'd had to keep a steady pace – slower than his usual workouts – for Archie’s benefit. Sure, they had gone an extra mile they hadn't planned on, but he could tell Archie was impressed, and that admiration felt good.
“You’re pretty sexy when you're being athletic,” Archie said when Graham joined him on the bench.
“Yeah?” Graham raised an eyebrow. “You’re pretty sexy when you’re trying to keep up.”
Archie smiled, suppressing a laugh. “Screw you.”
“I do think next time I should get to see you in your cycling gear, though.”
Archie chuckled. “That can be arranged.”
They settled into a comfortable silence and took in their surroundings. It was a beautiful day, sunny and warm, with a light breeze blowing through the trees, creating the sound of waves crashing against the shore. A few clusters of children played on a jungle gym; two women in their sixties walked together on the small sidewalk loop; a mom pushed her young son on a swing set. Graham's eyes fell on them and remained.
“You okay?” Archie asked, noticing what had caught Graham's attention.
“Yeah,” Graham replied quickly, snapping out of his fog. “Just thinking.”
“About Eli?” Archie asked.
Graham nodded.
“You must really miss him.”
“I do.” Graham paused. “I wish you could meet him.”
He turned to meet Archie’s eyes which were dark with unreadable emotion. “Me too.”
“I think he’d really like you.”
“Yeah?” Archie asked, touched. “I think I’d like him, too. He sounds like a cool kid.”
Graham sighed, saddened by the reality that this introduction would probably never occur.
“Sometimes I feel like I’m not his dad anymore.”
“Graham,” Archie’s voice ached. “You know that’s not true.”
“I know,” Graham shook his head. “It’s just…ever since he was born I always imagined I’d be there everyday when he got home from school, that I’d get to tuck him in every night and kiss him on the forehead and try to ignore how quickly he was growing up. And it just…sucks knowing that’s not how it’s going to be.”
“I’m sorry,” Archie whispered. “I can’t imagine…” He paused, pursing his lips. “You know, I grew up with my dad in the house and I can honestly say that it didn’t mean shit. He wasn’t there for me, not like that, not in the ways that mattered. And he was around every day. You want to be there for Eli. You want him to know his dad. That’s what matters. That means more than any living arrangement you have.”
Graham smiled sadly, nodding as if convincing himself of this truth. He turned to look at Archie. “Thank you. I’m sorry you never got that with your dad. That really sucks.”
Archie shrugged. “I’ve made peace with it at this point.”
“Still,” Graham looked back out at the playground. “I wish you hadn’t had to.”
“I meant to ask,” Archie began. “And stop me if you don’t want to talk about it, but…did you have to meet Julie's new guy while you were home?”
“No, thank God,” Graham sighed. “But she did officially tell me about him.”
“Yeah?” Archie raised an eyebrow. “What all did she say?”
“She gave me the basics. He’s thirty-five. He’s a teacher. High school math. He goes to Colorado every summer to climb mountains and guide whitewater rafting expeditions. They met at yoga. He’s taken her rock climbing.” Graham paused. “She said that they’re officially dating now. They decided to be exclusive or whatever. He’s met Eli twice. I’m not sure Eli knows exactly what’s happening but he seems to really like him. So yeah…she’s officially getting into a new relationship.”
“Well,” Archie commented. “Fuck that guy.”
Graham laughed and turned to look at him.
“Thanks for the support,” he said sardonically. “But no, that’s the worst part. He sounds great. He sounds patient and kind and great with Eli. And he sounds fun and spontaneous and adventurous…all the things I never was when we were married. So…I get it.”
“Can I ask…” Archie began cautiously. “What happened with you two? I mean, I know you told me a little bit, about the stuff with your church and all that. But how did it play out?”
Graham was quiet for a moment. He hadn’t really replayed many of these memories over the last two years. He’d quietly packed them away, stowing them in a small box, hiding the box on a high shelf in the back of his mind, afraid to open it, afraid of what he might find. But now, here, with Archie, his question felt more like an invitation, a chance to face the truth. He took a long, deep breath and began.
“Nothing really happened,” Graham said, his voice soft. “Not like you might expect. I think that was the hardest part. I couldn’t really tell you exactly when it happened. Or why. We just got really quiet one day. We stopped laughing. Then we stopped talking. I think we were both processing so much and instead of doing that together we were just doing it alone in our own heads, and so we never quite figured out how to talk about it.
“Over time Julie just seemed really sad. And lost. It felt like we were going through the motions. I tried to help. I suggested couples counseling or talking to some people at church who I thought could help us – because that’s where I still was at the time. I can see now how that’s exactly what she didn’t want, so it’s no wonder she didn’t trust me. I think I was too preoccupied with fixing things, I wasn’t ready to actually listen.
“Eventually, though, I just came right out and asked her if she still wanted to be married. It was one night after Eli went down for bed. We hadn’t really talked all day and I was starting to get angry. So I asked. And she said she wasn’t sure. Twelve years of marriage and suddenly she wasn’t sure…”
Archie was still as a statue beside him. Graham took a deep breath and continued.
“I didn’t really know what to do with that. I knew she didn’t either, so…a week or two later I contacted an attorney and filed for divorce.”
He heard Archie gasp quietly beside him. A lump formed in Graham’s throat, which he actively worked to keep down.
“Wow,” Archie said softly. “I didn’t…I had just assumed that she –”
“Nope,” Graham cut in. “I filed first. I knew she never would. She’d never let herself. So…I did it for her.”
He waited for Archie’s judgment, for some shift in his posture or change in the air signaling his disgust, or worse, his disappointment. He’d spent weeks convincing Archie he’d been a victim, all the while leaving out the most important detail of his story. The truth. He’d walked out on his family. He’d failed. His stomach turned to acid as he waited for Archie to speak, sickened by the thought his high opinion of Graham could have been so misguided, formed without having known the whole truth.
He braced himself for this reaction, but all he felt was a hand resting gently on his thigh.
“That had to have been really hard,” he said gently.
“Yeah,” Graham choked out. “It was the worst day of my life.” He fought, unsuccessfully, against the lump in his throat, and he felt a tear escape down his cheek. He wiped it away quickly.
“I’m sorry,” Archie soothed. He put an arm around Graham’s shoulder and pulled him close against his chest.
Graham sniffed, resenting how pathetic he sounded. In Archie’s arms, he pulled himself together quickly.
“Thanks,” he mumbled. And they stayed there, listening to the breeze and the sound of children laughing from across the wide, green lawn. Eventually, Graham spoke, the question restless in his throat. “So you don’t think I’m an asshole who walked out on his family?”
“What?” Archie exclaimed. “God, no. I don’t think that’s what happened at all.”
“Well, that’s nice,” Graham nodded, laughing bitterly. “Seemed like everyone else thought that at the time.”
“That’s stupid,” Archie shook his head. “I mean…do you think that?”
“No,” Graham answered. “Yes. I did, anyway. I don't know anymore.”
“Well, that’s bullshit,” Archie said firmly.
Graham laughed. “Thanks.”
“I'm serious. It takes two people to go through a divorce. You're being too hard on yourself.”
Graham was quiet for a long time while he thought this over. “Maybe you're right.”
Deep down, he knew Archie was right, of course. He had carried this burden of failure so heavily when the divorce first happened, and for months it was all he could think about. But in the year since, he had never stopped to ask himself whether those feelings were still valid, whether they were still his or simply the projections others had placed upon him. He wore them like a scar, a reminder of feelings past, but he’d never paused to recognize when those wounds had actually healed and he’d been free to move forward.
Archie loosened his grip on Graham’s shoulders, but they remained on the bench, pressed together, Graham’s shoulder leaning into Archie’s side. Several minutes passed quietly, the sounds of the park floating through the warm, afternoon air.
“I have an aunt,” Archie began softly. “Gia. My dad’s sister. She divorced her husband when I was twelve or thirteen, something like that. He was a dick, so it was the right call. But at the time I was pretty confused about it.”
Graham laughed at Archie’s bluntness.
“Was this your Uncle Dom?”
“No, this was my Uncle Jack. Also an asshole, though.” He smiled. “Anyways, I remember asking her why she left him and were they not in love anymore and did she think my parents would want to split up too. And she told me something I’ve never forgotten.
“She said that sometimes love is like your favorite pair of jeans. You love these jeans. They fit you perfectly, they go with everything, they make you look like a million bucks. You can wear them every single day without question. But then, one day, you get your jeans out of the drawer and put them on and something doesn’t feel right. The waist is a little too tight and the legs cling like they never used to. They feel stiff and awkward. But you wear them anyway, thinking that maybe it was just a fluke, that you can get through the weird day and they’ll fit again next time.
“Well, then next time happens, and you get them out, you put them on and they still feel a little weird, so you start to think that maybe that day wasn’t just a fluke. Maybe something is just different now. But what? Did you change? Is your body different now than it was? Or did the jeans get messed up in the wash? Can you try to stretch them or dry them a little and get them back to normal?
“So you try and you fail and eventually, as you’re racking your brain trying to figure out what went wrong, you realize that, either way, it doesn’t really matter. Because the fact is that the jeans don’t fit anymore. And, as hard as it might be to accept, what good is a pair of jeans that you no longer want to wear?”
“Geeze,” Graham mumbled after a long silence. “Your aunt said that?”
“Yeah,” Archie nodded. “Either that, or it’s a Taylor Swift song, I’m not really sure.”
Graham barked out a surprised laugh, a loud, happy sound that dissolved into a fit of giggles. He leaned down and kissed Archie’s shoulder, nuzzling against him, feeling the warmth and strength of his body.
“But either way,” Archie continued, “it showed me that, just because something ends doesn’t mean it was a failure, you know? Time goes on. Things wear out. People change. That’s just…life.”
Graham raised his head and stared for a long minute into Archie’s dark eyes, marveling at their incomprehensible depths. He chuckled.
“You amaze me sometimes,” he confessed. “I feel like I should be the one telling you these things.”
“Eh,” Archie shrugged. “I’m sure you’ll get your turn.”
