Graham rode the wave of adrenaline from his and Archie’s kiss all through his Saturday evening. And Saturday night. And well into Sunday morning.
He still couldn’t wrap his head around what had happened. The details of the event remained fuzzy in his memory, overwritten by the full, swelling feeling of Archie’s hand in his hair, Archie’s tongue parting his lips, Archie’s mouth moving feverishly against his. It felt surreal, like some kind of daydream Graham had indulged again and again, to the point where walls between reality and imagination had started to break down. He couldn’t quite register that Archie, in all his charm and confidence and effortless, youthful beauty, was attracted to him, wanted him. It seemed impossible and generated in Graham a profound sense of disbelief and, more importantly, of gratitude.
It was in this headspace he launched into his search for the perfect date spot.
Like most of his endeavors, Graham quickly began to overthink this decision. He wanted somewhere formal without being stuffy, fancy without making him look like a try-hard, and special without disrupting the established flow of their previous interactions. He knew deep down he didn’t need to pick anything flashy for Archie’s sake – he didn’t seem shallow or overly invested in appearances. In fact, he’d probably be happy ordering a pizza and chatting all night on the couch, a prospect Graham found heartwarmingly intimate. But he wanted something special for his own sake, something that showed he didn’t intend to water this down or relegate it to some other category that gave him an excuse to write it all off as just another casual night out.
Because, unlike their previous outings, this wasn’t just brunch or just drinks. This was a date.
And he was going to treat it like a date.
After an exhausting search online, he found a steakhouse downtown that looked promising. It was classy, with a modern interior and an impressive menu that would make an impression without breaking the bank. It was the kind of place he’d love to take a client to celebrate a project milestone or a go-live. The comparison seemed fitting, because what was this if not a considerable milestone for Graham?
He was going on a date…with a guy.
The idea still hummed with cognitive dissonance. It wasn’t the idea of two men being romantically involved; Graham had pretty easily decided in the early days after leaving the church that he didn’t have any personal discomfort with or objection to the idea of gay relationships. If two people wanted to journey through life together they should have the ability to do so. People developed attractions and fell in love all the time, often with the most surprising partners. It was as simple as that.
However, as easy as that original revelation had been, it had largely been abstract, an intellectual assent to something that he’d been consistently told to reject. It was a small part of a much larger process of reclaiming his identity, of becoming a person who thought and believed what he wanted, not what he was instructed from the pulpit. But at the time he’d never really thought of it as something that might directly impact or include him. He’d never had a reason to.
But now, well, he’d kissed another guy.
He’d kissed another guy and it had ignited a fire in his heart he didn’t know how to contain. Did this make him gay? Bi? Some curious gray area in between? He wasn’t sure. He felt pressure to figure this out, to provide an explanation, a justification of himself, to two whom he did not know. Was it to Archie? To himself? To the world at large? He wasn’t sure. He knew – or at least felt strongly – that Archie didn’t expect this explanation; he seemed incredibly understanding of Graham’s uncertainty, and so, unsurprisingly, this pressure was largely self-inflicted.
And so, for right now, maybe he didn’t need to know. Maybe it was okay that he knew very little besides these two simple facts:
First, he’d kissed Archie and liked it. A lot.
Second, he wanted to kiss Archie again.
Graham’s morning passed without incident. He had a long workout at the hotel and went for a run on a trail he’d discovered just down the block; he got coffee and breakfast at a local shop a few streets over from the hotel, sitting at a small sidewalk table to enjoy the morning; he ran a few errands to refill some supplies in his hotel room. He’d started keeping a few things on hand like snacks, water bottles, and his favorite protein shakes to make the hotel feel a little less barren, a little more homey. It was a simple yet effective improvement, one he wasn’t sure why he’d waited three weeks to make.
A supermarket just down the road made this an easy task. While he was there he decided to pick up a few treats he thought might come in handy after his dinner – a few pints of ice cream, a bottle of red wine, and, pushing through a considerable wave of embarrassment, a box of condoms and some lube. Taking these items to the checkout late, he felt like a self-conscious teenager, although this was one rite of passage he'd never experienced in his younger years. He laughed at himself, scolded himself, reminded himself he was a grown adult with no reason to be embarrassed by a little anticipated sexual activity. Not that he was expecting any – it would be ludicrous to assume one dinner would lead to anything extra back at Graham’s room, right?
Although, he knew what it was like to be a twenty-three-year-old guy on a date. He also knew Archie had considerably more experience in that department and would likely go into the night with certain…expectations. He knew Archie was attracted to him and that their brief-but-passionate makeout yesterday clearly indicated a desire for more on both their parts. And, more than any of that, he knew deep down that this was more than one dinner, this was the culmination of every drink, every laugh, every intimate detail they’d shared with one another over the past two weeks, and even though Graham’s stomach twisted in knots at the idea of venturing into uncharted waters, it felt good.
It felt right.
And so, pushing down his insecurity, he dragged the bottle of lube across the scanner, heard the beep echo through the checkout lane, and dropped it in his bag.
When he got back from the store, it was just after two o’clock. With a few hours until he needed to get ready, he decided to give Julie a call and talk to Eli, missing their Saturday afternoon time together.
Julie answered the video call after a few rings.
“Hey there,” she greeted him as her face appeared on the phone screen.
“Howdy,” Graham replied. “How are y’all doing today?”
“We’re good. Just doing some cleaning around the house. Got dinner at my parents’ later.”
A pang of sadness flared up in Graham’s chest remembering all the Sunday family dinners. Julie must have sensed this as she quickly changed the subject. “How are things going there?”
“It’s actually going pretty well,” Graham said earnestly. “It’s really beautiful here this weekend, so I’ve been spending some good time outside. Just ran a couple errands this morning.”
“That’s good,” Julie said absentmindedly. “Glad you’re staying busy. I still can’t believe you decided to stay there through the weekend.”
“It’s been nice. I’m just glad to stay in one place for a few extra days.”
“Fair enough,” Julie conceded.
“Is Eli around? Was hoping to say hi.”
“Uh, yeah. He should be tidying up his room.” Julie said, looking around her as if she’d misplaced him somewhere. Graham could see their house pass by in the background as she left the kitchen and walked down the hallway. “Eli! Daddy’s on the phone.”
A few seconds later, Eli’s face appeared on the phone, his thick glasses covering his smiling face.
“Hey buddy!” Graham called.
“Hi Dad!” Eli grinned.
“How are ya?”
“Good,” Eli replied, holding the phone too close to his face. “Cleaning my room.”
“That’s good. Gotta keep things tidy. Are you having a good weekend?”
“Yeah,” Eli nodded. “Mommy took me to the park yesterday to see the birds.”
“Oh, that sounds fun. What birds did you see?”
“Pelicans,” Eli answered, catching Graham off guard.
“Pelicans, huh? That’s cool. What were they doing at the park?”
“They’re migrating,” Eli explained succinctly.
Graham nodded in understanding. Eli had watched all sorts of nature documentaries about migratory birds, so it was no surprise he could identify a few flocks when they passed through town.
“Well, that’s cool! Were there a bunch of them?”
“Yeah! Hundreds!” Eli beamed.
“Wow, that’s awesome! Did you get some pictures?”
“Yeah, we did. Mommy has them on her phone.”
“You’ll have to show me when I get home,” Graham said. “I miss you. I wish I could’ve gone to the park with you yesterday to see them.”
“I miss you too. When do you come home?”
“I’ll be home next weekend,” Graham explained. “Maybe we can go see what birds are passing through then!”
“Okay!” Eli fumbled with the phone, his face passing in and out of frame.
“What else did you do this weekend besides see the birds?” Graham asked.
“Mommy’s friend cooked us dinner last night,” Eli explained, holding up one of his toys as he resumed cleaning.
“Oh, fun. Was it Mommy’s friend Libby?”
“No, it was Mommy’s friend Chris,” Eli answered casually.
Graham paused. He didn’t know a Chris.
“Oh? What did you all have for dinner?” He kept his tone light and friendly.
“We cooked pizza!” Eli said excitedly.
“Pizza, wow! What kind of pizza did you cook?”
“I cooked pepperoni and olive.” Eli’s favorite combo. Graham never understood where he got it from.
“Yum, your favorite,” Graham smiled. “Sounds like lots of fun.”
“Yeah! And we watched Ratooey,” Eli continued, another toy entering the camera frame. Ratooey was Eli-speak for Ratatouille, his favorite movie.
Pizza and Ratatouille at home with Mom’s friend Chris. It sounded an awful lot like a family movie night at home. Graham’s stomach soured as a flood of confusing feelings began to course through him.
“Well, I’ll let you finish cleaning so you and Mommy can be ready for dinner,” Graham continued with a forced smile. I love you!”
“I love you too, Daddy.”
Graham’s heart swelled.
“I miss you and I can’t wait to see you next weekend.”
“Me neither.”
“Can you hand the phone back to Mommy?”
“Okay,” Eli nodded. “MOM!”
Julie retrieved the phone a few seconds later. They were quiet for a moment before Graham finally broke.
“So,” Graham finally began.” Do I know who Chris is?”
Julie exhaled.
“No, you don’t yet.” Her tone was gentle but direct. “I met him at yoga earlier this year and we’ve been seeing each other a bit. It hasn’t been that serious. I’m sorry, I didn’t think Eli would…I was planning on telling you, it just didn’t seem like it was worth mentioning yet.”
“Well,” Graham said flatly. “He’s cooking dinner for our son, so at what point does it become serious?”
“I’m sorry, that wasn’t even the plan,” Julie explained, clearly holding back some frustration, though Graham wasn’t sure it was directed at him. “Chris and I have just been getting coffee or meeting for dinner here and there. We were supposed to all go to dinner last night so I could introduce him to Eli, just as a friend of mine, to see how Eli would react. We were getting ready to leave and Eli had one of his freakouts about his shoes and…” She sighed. “Well, you know how those go. I called Chris to cancel and see if we could reschedule, and he asked if he could cook for us since Eli wasn’t up for going out. I didn’t see the harm so I said yes. That’s really it.”
Graham was silent for a minute as he processed this explanation. He felt a pang in his chest, but thought it was more of a reflex than anything.
“I was going to tell you about him.” Julie’s voice was soft, sincere. “I wanted Eli and him to meet because…if Eli didn’t react well then I wasn’t going to let it go anywhere. If it did go well then I was going to tell you before anything happened for real. I’m sorry, I guess I’m…this is all just kind of new.”
“Yeah,” Graham said quietly.
“I understand if you’re angry. But I promise I was planning on telling you.”
“I know,” Graham nodded. “I’m not angry. I think I’m just…” He paused. “Like you said, this is all just new.”
“Yeah,” Julie agreed.
“Sounds like Eli did alright with him,” Graham observed.
“Yeah,” Julie smiled but a sadness hung in her voice. “Yeah, he did. I was…surprised, honestly. But…it was nice.”
“Good,” Graham replied. “I’m happy for you.”
“Graham…” Julie started to say something, but a heavy silence followed.
Finally, Graham spoke.
“Well, I’ll let you get back to cleaning. I know you’ve got dinner soon.”
Julie forced a smile. “Yeah, probably should finish things up. You gonna be okay over there?”
“Yeah,” Graham nodded, surprised by the truthfulness of his answer. “Yeah, I’ve actually got dinner plans, myself.”
Julie’s eyebrows shot up. “Oh? Who with?”
Graham had a split second to weigh his answer before he began to speak.
“Just someone from work,” he lied. “Offered to get dinner tonight knowing I was staying the weekend.”
Julie smiled. “Well, good. I’m glad you’ve found some good company.”
Graham smiled, feeling a tug at his heart. Even though his answer had been dishonest, Julie’s statement was heavy with the truth. He had found good company, the best company, and he suddenly realized that he wanted to tell her about him. So far, Archie had been his secret, something only he knew and enjoyed. But now, with a date on the horizon, that felt somehow incomplete and unfair. He wanted to tell Julie about him – how they met, how they’d been spending time together, how, for the first time in a long time, he was excited about something.
But he’d already given his answer and the call was winding down and he wasn’t sure he was ready to have that conversation just yet. More importantly, he didn’t even know what that conversation was just yet. He didn’t want to get ahead of himself, either. After all, this was a first date; who knew what would come of it
They exchanged goodbyes and the call ended, leaving Graham alone in the quiet room. He took in a deep breath, closing his eyes and steadying himself against an approaching tide of doubts in his mind.
What would come of it?
What if Graham got there and lost his nerve? What if he realized he wasn’t actually into guys romantically? What if he was just lonely and acting out of impulse and, now, putting someone else in jeopardy for his recklessness? Or worse, what if Archie realized he wasn’t interested? What if he saw Graham for who he really was, a melancholic loner punishing himself on a never-ending work trip, and realized, rightly so, that he should probably run the other way?
Or what if it went well?
What then? What if dinner was a success and they did end up back in Graham’s room together? What if they ended up in Graham’s bed? Could he go through with it? If he did, then what? Was he really ready to get into a relationship? Clearly Julie was ready, but was he just doing this to spite her?
Graham fell back on the bed and let out a loud sigh. He needed to get a grip. He didn’t know the answer to any of these questions. He couldn’t. What he could do, though, is calm his racing heart, take a shower, and make it to his dinner on time.
