Saturday was a welcome reprieve.
Graham picked Eli up a little before noon and took him to the park that ran along the river that cut through the center of town. It was a beautiful day, and the water was high from all the late-Spring rains. They walked along the trails and stopped at one of the wide, green meadow spaces for a picnic lunch and to kick a soccer ball back and forth.
Soccer was apparently a new, budding interest of Eli’s, and Graham wrestled with the idea of his studious son becoming something of an athlete. Eli ran after the ball enthusiastically, showing a great deal of interest and, to Graham’s surprise, a fair bit of skill. Julie had already mentioned she’d begun exploring a few rec leagues for Eli to join, and they’d both laughed, wondering where he’d inherited any shred of athleticism from.
After the park, they stopped for snow cones, which Graham made Eli promise not to let spoil his appetite for dinner – a strict order by Julie – and by the time they returned home, the light was starting to reach that warm, golden glow of an early summer afternoon.
Julie welcomed them at the door, giving Eli a hug and asking him about their day, animatedly impressed when Eli explained he’d beat Graham in their soccer game.
“What can I say?” Graham shrugged. “The kid has talent. Besides, I think he had an advantage that literally anywhere behind me counted as the goal.”
“Daddy didn’t know where the goal was so I kept scoring,” Eli explained matter-of-factly.
Graham nodded. “I did not.”
“Well,” Julie smiled. “Sounds like you two had fun. Now go wash up and we can start on dinner.”
“Okay!” Eli called as he scampered down the hall.
“You know, it’s a whole lot easier to hide the snowcone evidence if you don’t let him get something that dyes his tongue blue.”
Graham laughed.
“You’re probably right. But I owed him a prize. You heard him, he beat me fair and square.”
Julie chuckled and rolled her eyes as she walked over to the fridge. “Would you like to stay for dinner? It’s taco night.”
Graham thought for a second, a little surprised by the invitation. For a while, they’d tried to draw clear lines about when Graham was in the house and when he wasn’t so that Eli wouldn’t get confused. Painful as it was, the clear boundary was important to let Eli adjust to the transition. Graham guessed that, after nearly two years, Eli had digested the fact that he no longer lived there.
“I’d love that,” Graham smiled. “Thanks.”
Later, when Eli was down and the house was quiet, Julie poured them each a glass of cool, white wine, which they took to the back porch. It was a calm night, but a cool breeze whispered through the yard. Julie had put on a lightweight, gray cardigan, and Graham felt the tiniest chill as the air tickled his arm.
It was nice to sit. To just be. To rest in this place that had for so many years been his home. And yet, peaceful as the moment was, Graham realized it no longer felt like his. It wasn't foreign. It wasn't strange. But it no longer held the comfort and certainty of a place that belonged to him. At some point, he figured, he'd finally let go.
“That was nice,” Julie said, sighing into her seat.
“It was,” Graham nodded. “I miss these dinners with you guys.”
“Yeah,” Julie agreed. “I think we could do more of them, now, if you wanted. I think Eli would get it if you were here for dinner but still went home after.”
“Hmm,” was all Graham said in reply. “Has Chris been over for dinner again?”
Julie looked at him, her eyes wary. Graham held up his hands.
“I’m honestly just curious. Promise.”
“He has,” Julie nodded. “Just one or two more times, nothing major. But…he and Eli get along well. It’s nice to see.”
Graham was quiet for a minute, letting the swirl of emotions settle in response to this information.
“I’m glad,” Graham said, his voice hoarse. “Honestly. I’m happy he’s good with Eli, and I’m happy he's good for you.”
Julie took a drink of wine and was quiet for a long minute. She looked at him. ”Thank you. I mean it. It means a lot to have your support. Or if not your support then at least knowing I’m not just throwing salt into an open wound. It feels…well, I feel like we’re in a better place these days. Don’t you?”
Graham pondered this for a moment, searching his mind, his heart, evaluating the tugs and shifts occurring there.
“I do,” he finally spoke. He looked at Julie and smiled. “I do. We’ve come a long way.” And they had. He remembered the early days after the divorce, the tense rooms and icy conversations that always ended in someone waking off, upset. Compared to that, their newfound cordiality was practically a state of bliss.
Julie nodded and took a drink of wine. “I am still sorry you found out about Chris the way you did. I promise I was going to tell you in person. When the time was right.”
Graham chuckled. “I believe you. And honestly? I’m glad I found out when I did. It was good timing.”
Julie looked at him, her brow furrowed. Graham pretended not to notice, bracing himself for her follow-up question, which never came.
“Well,” she smiled, graciously changing the subject. “What about you? What’s new with you these days?”
“Hmm,” Graham thought. “Oh, I’m getting a promotion at work.”
Julie’s eyes lit up. “Graham, that’s great! Congratulations.”
“Eh,” Graham shrugged. “It’s alright. I don’t know if I want it, to be honest.”
“Oh?” Julie’s eyebrows raised. “Why not?”
“It just sounds like…a lot.” Graham sighed and took a drink. “More travel, more responsibility, more…everything. It sounds tiring.”
“Oh,” Julie nodded. “I can understand that.”
They were quiet for a moment, the sounds of the evening swelling around them.
“What about outside of work?”
“What do you mean?” Graham asked.
“Anything new outside of work?”
Graham held her gaze, considering one answer he could give, an answer which may have been the truth, but also necessitated a much bigger conversation he wasn’t sure he wanted to have. Besides, it was over now, so what was the point?
“Not really,” he shrugged.
“Nothing?” Julie prodded gently.
“I mean…I go to work, I go to the gym, I go home. I went on a work trip and now I’m back. You’re pretty caught up.” Graham laughed flatly.
“Well,” Julie continued. “Tell me about Iowa. What was it like? What all did you do?”
“What’s with the third degree?” Graham asked, laughing uncomfortably.
“I just want to know what happened!” Julie exclaimed, her voice light and friendly, but her words revealing something more intentional underneath.
“What do you mean what happened?” Graham asked pointedly.
“I…I just –” Julie paused. “I don’t know, you’ve just seemed different since you got back.
“Different how?” Graham asked skeptically.
“I don’t know,” Julie shrugged. “Look, you’ve always been a little…grouchy, I admit. But it was kind of charming, in a way. But since you got home, you haven’t been grouchy, you've just seemed…sad.”
Graham looked at her, unable to protest.
“Did something happen?”
Graham opened his mouth, about to speak, then shook his head and closed it. He looked out into the yard.
“I know you well enough to know when something’s on your mind. And, sure, you don’t have to say it for me, but you should at least get it off your chest.”
Graham paused. Took drink of wine. Exhaled.
“I met someone,” he said. “In Des Moines. I met someone.”
Beside him, Julie set her wine glass on the end table, giving him her full attention.
“I thought those weekends you stayed had to have some explanation,” she smiled, unfazed by Graham’s confession. “I couldn’t imagine there was that much to do.”
Graham cocked an eyebrow and took another drink.
“Well,” Julie continued. “What’s her name? What’s she like? Tell me everything.”
She smiled, a friendly encouraging smile. In an instant, Graham's mind played every possible version of his answer, every combination of truth and discretion that might protect him from reaction but maybe, finally, give him a chance to lighten the weight that hung around his heart like a ball and chain, and as he weighed the outcome of these iterations, anticipated the follow-up questions and the other half-truths which those necessitated, he found himself growing increasingly tired, increasingly desirous to set down this burdensome shield and stretch his aching muscles. More importantly, as Graham felt the invitation in Julie's question, heard the smile in her voice, he found that he believed her. Her interest. Her care. It was genuine. Authentic. Devoid of any deception or trap.
Graham took a deep breath and exhaled.
“Archie,” he heard himself say. He looked down at the wine glass in his hands, suddenly fascinated by its design. “His name is Archie.”
The silence hung between them like a shroud. Graham’s heart raced, filling the longest seconds of his life as he waited for her reaction. Summoning all the courage he had, and whatever extra he could cipher from the evening air, he turned, the motion like running through quicksand, and met her gaze.
A flicker of surprise flashed on her forehead and behind her eyes, and just as quickly it was gone. She smiled.
“Archie,” she repeated. “That’s a fun name. I don’t think I’ve met anyone named Archie before.”
Graham sat for a moment, stunned, then gave a humorless laugh.
“You don’t have to be so cool about it, you know,” he said flatly.
They stared at each other for a long moment, and then they laughed. Julie started first, a high, light, surprised laughter that quickly jumped across the table and infected Graham.
“Okay, well, I admit that is not what I was expecting,” she finally said, her laughter subsiding. “I mean…yeah. Have you always –”
“No,” Graham interrupted. “No, I haven’t. Or…maybe I have but I just didn't know what to do with it? Trust me, I am just as surprised as you.”
“How did you meet him?” She asked, leaning forward on the armrest, her curiosity buzzing between them.
“He was the bartender at the hotel, so…we saw a lot of each other,” Graham laughed and took a sip of wine. “One night we went out for drinks after his shift, and then we just kept seeing each other.”
“And it wasn’t just platonic seeing each other? I mean, you two were, like, seeing each other?”
“Oh, it was very much not platonic,” Graham laughed. “Trust me.”
“Graham!” Julie giggled. “This is…exciting!” A delighted surprise colored her voice, warm and airy, like the afternoon he’d spent at the park. “So tell me about him! What's he like?” Julie's excitement was as infectious as it was healing.
“Well,” Graham paused, a smile drifting across his face. “He's twenty-three.”
Julie gasped. “Graham Michael Harris! You dog.”
Graham laughed, a joyful, liberated sound.
“I know, I know! I couldn't help myself,” their laughter settled, warming them. “But…no, he’s amazing. He's thoughtful and kind. He's charming and infectiously happy. He's gorgeous. Tan skin and dark hair and bright eyes. He's funny. Not just clever, but that silly, playful kind of funny that immediately makes you relax as soon as he enters the room.” Graham paused and let himself picture Archie vividly in his mind. “He's patient and a good listener. He's shockingly wise for his age. He's resilient. He's a really hard worker. Oh! He's about to go back to school in the Fall to finish his education. He wants to be a physical therapist, so he's finishing his undergrad so he can start applying to PT schools. I don't know how he's going to support himself through school – he already works two jobs as it is – but I’m so happy for him, you know? He’s finally, like, going for it and –” Graham turned and saw Julie’s smile, her eyes shimmering. “What?”
“He sounds wonderful, Graham. And perfect...for you.”
“He is,” Graham nodded. “God, yeah, he really is.”
“Are you two still seeing each other?”
“No,” Graham said flatly. “No, we’re not.”
“Graham,” Julie’s voice was heavy with sympathy. “What happened?”
Graham paused for a long moment, allowing himself the memory he’d tried desperately to forget since the moment he’d left Des Moines.
“I came home,” he said simply, as if this answered everything. His voice was thick, gravelly. “He stayed with me that last night at the hotel. God, I don’t even know how late we stayed up talking. I’d almost convinced myself to stay an extra night or hang on through the weekend, but…when I woke up the next morning, he’d already left.”
“Graham,” Julie whispered.
“It’s fine,” he said flatly, quickly meeting her gaze before looking down at his hands. “I think we both knew it was only temporary. He had his life to get back to and…well, I have you guys here. So it’s fine.” He nodded, a little more aggressively now, trying to fight the lump forming in his throat. “God, it just really sucks, though, because for the first time in a while I was starting to feel excited about life again, you know? And then it just ended overnight. Literally.”
“Graham.” Julie’s hand found his forearm, giving it a gentle squeeze. “I’m so sorry.”
“Thanks,” he shrugged. “Me too.”
“Obviously, I don’t know all the details,” Julie spoke, her voice quiet. “But it sounds like it must’ve been at least a little mutual, yeah? If you're feelings for him are what they are…it sounds like his feelings for you were just as real.”
“Yeah,” Graham nodded, clearing his throat. “Yeah, I certainly thought so.”
“So then…what if it didn’t have to be temporary?”
Graham looked at her, confused. “What do you mean?”
“I mean…it’s the Twenty-First Century, Graham, people do long-distance relationships all the time. And, call me crazy, but you wouldn’t exactly be the first people to relocate for romance.”
Graham scoffed. “I couldn’t ask him to uproot his entire life for me.”
“Why not?” Julie asked, her tone deadly serious. “What about you isn’t worth moving for? Why wouldn’t it work for you?”
“Because,” Graham said sternly. “He’s…young. He’s going back to school. He’s got his whole life ahead of him. I couldn’t ask him to trade that all in for me.”
“I don’t see how those things are mutually exclusive.”
“I just couldn’t ask him to uproot his life. I won’t.”
“Okay,” Julie shrugged. “Then you could go to him.”
Graham looked at her, the shock and offence painted on his face. “I could what?”
“You could go to him. You basically have a remote job, anyways. I’m sure you could swing it.”
“Oh, and I’d just – what – leave you and Eli here? Move across the country and abandon my son?”
“Graham, there are a lot of men out there who would abandon their sons. You are not one of them.”
“Look, that’s not even the point. My trip ended. I came home. He’s better off without me.”
The silence hung between them like smoke, making the air acrid and heavy and difficult to breathe.
“Does he think that?” Julie finally asked.
Graham looked at her, his eyes hard, his jaw set, his chest rising and falling with each carefully controlled breath.
“Oh Graham,” Julie said, her voice heavy with love. She reached across the space between their chairs and took his hand. “I know you're a strong person. You’re selfless and noble and so, so considerate. And maybe a little stubborn. And I know you’re maybe a little…predisposed to sacrifice right now. But,” she looked him in the eyes, boring into his soul with surgical precision. “You don’t have to do this again.”
“Do what?” he asked gruffly.
She sighed, her face softening.
“Graham. You gave me a gift. One I was too afraid to ask for. And I don't think I've ever said this, and shame on me that I haven't, but thank you. Graham, thank you for seeing what I needed and offering it to me, when I couldn't see it for myself. When I know it broke your heart. You are the kindest, bravest, most loving man I know. But just because you and I didn't work out does not mean you don't deserve to be happy. You do. You do, Graham! And, look, I don't know Archie and I don't know what happened in Des Moines, but the way you just talked about him…I can tell he makes you happy. You can't just give that up. I won't let you.”
Graham shook his head, fighting back the tears stinging his eyes. “But…I just…my life is here. You and Eli are here.”
“And we're always going to be here,” Julie interrupted, her other hand resting on his forearm. “Eli and I will always be a part of your life. But don't make us the reason you don't get to go live your own. You deserve better than that.”
Graham's composure faltered now, his throat swelling, the tears spilling over.
“So what? What, I'm just supposed to make some reckless decisions and overhaul my entire life cuz I went on one work trip and fell in love with someone –”
Graham stopped short. The words echoed through the yard like the low, metallic clang of a gong.
“I didn't…I don't mean that…I don't –” He tried to backpedal, to offer qualification to his little slip-up from before. But he couldn't. He stood there, struck down, like a man on the road to Damascus. And as the scales fell from his eyes, the truth confronted him, unflinching, unqualified, unashamed. He couldn't look away. “Oh fuck it,” he sighed. “I love him. I love him. I. Love. Him.”
He repeated this truth, turning it over in his hands, inspecting it in every light, from every angle. And under his commanding eye he found no flaw in it. It was clear, polished, dazzling. An unshakable reality around which everything else suddenly fell into place, like planets around the sun.
“Then you should probably tell him that,” Julie whispered encouragingly.
“What if…he doesn't want me to say it?” Graham asked shyly.
“Well,” Julie paused. “Then at least you spoke your mind, and you won't have to spend your whole life kicking yourself for letting him get away.”
Graham sat with this explanation, nodding. Then, a scarier thought crossed his mind.
“But what if…he does? What if he actually feels the same? What do I do then?”
Julie nodded and sat back in her seat.
“Then I guess we’ll figure it out. We’d hardly be the first divorced couple to move on with their lives, would we?”
“Yeah,” Graham choked out a laugh. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” He sniffed and cleared his throat, trying to steady himself after this uncharacteristic break in composure.
“Besides, we may not always be here either,” Julie nudged. “I may get a new job someday. We may want to send Eli to a different school. Or, hey, Chris may want to sweep me off my feet and take me to go live on some mountain somewhere. We don’t know.”
Graham looked at her, one eyebrow raised skeptically.
She laughed.
“Okay, well, we know that isn't going to happen, but my point is…eventually you have to make some decisions for you, not just for us. You can do both.”
“You’re right,” Graham nodded. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” Julie squeezed his hand and smiled. “But just know if I ever end up with a hot, twenty-three-year-old boyfriend, I expect this same level of unquestioning support on your end.”
Graham threw his head back and laughed.
“Oh, you got it.”
And just like that, the world blew open. A door that had once been closed had finally unlocked to the world outside, showing Graham glimpses of possibilities he’d never even imagined. And the best part? They didn’t even have to come at a cost. Julie was right, he’d already made his big sacrifice. Maybe now it was time to go claim something new.
