From Campus to Camera

Hitting Home

This and the next chapter are probably the most dramatic and emotional of the story that I've actually been writing for a while about so it's take a lot of energy but it's one that I wanted to write to add to the story. There is some language in this story that I don't condone normally and I hope you can all give me some feedback.

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After missing the one class, I’ve been feeling guilty so made an agreement with Cam and with the encouragement of Tyson I’ve been trying to focus a bit more on my college work so that’s all I’ve been focusing on for the next few weeks with a major assignment and then exams coming.

The weeks have passed by pretty slowly as I’ve missed the filming but I’ve done a couple of cam shows every so often which is my break from studying. 

Going back to normal college life is a weird adjustment but the only person who knows about my porn career is Ash and she doesn’t mention anything about it which makes things good because instead of being an exciting gay porn star Scott, I’m just back to boring nerdy Scott.

I’m hanging with Ash “Hey Scott, you going to come to the library tonight for the big study session” she asks as I’m absolutely going to be in on it because we’re a strong group and want to use each other to study from. The session is a great change of pace from everything and puts my mind right into the exact frame of mind.

The next morning, my phone is sitting on the kitchen bench when I get up at about 9:15 and Tyson is sitting there “Morning, your phone has been going off non-stop this morning” he says as I grab it and see about six missed calls from my brother which I don’t know what they are and the fact that he hasn’t left a message means that it can’t be important.

I put my phone down and grab a Coffee “What time did you get in from the library last night?” Tyson asks me as I was having a late-night study session with Ash and a couple of others in the class because they were stressing about the exam next week. “We finished up at about 11:30 because as much as the library stays open late at night, pushing midnight is even too late for them” I laugh before continuing. “Then after that they were hungry so we went to the diner down the road from the library and studied and chatted for a while before finally we went home and I got in just after 1:30.”

As I’m talking to Tyson my phone rings again and this time I answer the phone “Hey bro… what’s up?” I ask fairly unconcerned about everything right now as I can tell from his voice he’s not happy.

“I don’t know what’s up Scott… or is it Jordie these days” I put the mug on the bench and I’m shaking as he says that as Tyson sees me and looks at me. “I don’t know what you’re talking about Tom” I walk over and sit on the couch trying to get my head around the situation and how my brother has found out about the porn.

My brother’s tone is not one that is very receptive “Thomas… only people I like and friends get to call me Tom” he says as I get annoyed. “I don’t know what you’re talking about Tom, nothing is going on here other than me working and going to class, that’s it” I plead with him to believe me but I know that he doesn’t believe me.

“Oh right… so what I’ve just got to ignore the fact that there are pictures of you on the internet with some guy's dick in your mouth right?” I put my hand on my face and try not to sigh and continue to plead with my brother that it’s a misunderstanding. “Tom, it’s not what it looks like,” I say as he raises his voice down the phone.

“THOMAS… DON’T EVER CALL ME TOM AGAIN… SCOTT… JORDIE WHATEVER YOUR FAGGOT NAME IS” The last comment probably offends me more than anything else because actually hearing my own brother say that, the person who I was closest to growing up calling me that like I’m some random stranger.

“I’m not fucking gay Tom… Thomas alright… it’s a long story” I say knowing my pleas are going onto deaf ears as Tom doesn’t want to hear anything. “Oh really? I mean having another faggots dick in your mouth looks pretty gay to me… and let me guess it’s that fucking boyfriend of yours.. that’s why you moved in with him” he says as I resent him bringing Tyson into the conversation.

I don’t want Tyson seeing me like this right now as he stands there getting the picture of what is on the other end of the call right now as I look at him and roll my eyes and then mentally I don’t know if I want space to talk to my brother or have Tyson around to cry on his shoulder.

“Do you know how Mum will react when she finds out about what you are? And the fucking embarrassment that you’ll cause to everyone once the news gets around… are you happy with that sort of stress on Mum even more than what we all have now” he says as I don’t know how to answer him right now.

I sigh “As I said to you it’s not what it looks like or seems bro… honestly” Tom doesn’t believe me as I say that but he doesn’t let me explain about the circumstances but wants to go on his own rant. 

“Why do you have to think you’re better than everyone else Scott? I mean working on the farm was never always enough for you, the family has a legacy but of course that wasn’t good enough for you, you had to go off and be all look at me I’m going to be a doctor and head off to the city and not even like you could just go somewhere close you had to go all the way to the East coast leaving everything else” he says to me as I roll my eyes and shake my head.

I’m controlling my anger pretty well right now “DON’T FUCKING LECTURE ME TOM… You know that Mum pushed me to take advantage of my grades and I’m sorry that you had an issue with the thought that studying and my grades were more important than going out on the motorbike or going out and shooting wildly into the farmland… and I know how Missy got shot” letting on that I know who shot one of our dairy cows when Tom, my cousin Tim and their group of friends all claimed it was hunters in the middle of the night trying to get Coyotes or something.

“That’s totally different Scott so don’t you fucking dare bring that up,” he says getting defensive like the fact that it’s my fault him and his friends thought it was a good idea to load up on Jack Daniels and then go shooting at night taking out the cow. “Dad was absolutely horrified that Missy died that way and so was Mum, you know how much they wanted to catch the person who shot because they raised Missy from near death.”

Tom scoffs as I confront him with that fact “Oh whatever… it was 10 years ago and I mean there are bigger things in life than that needs to be worried about like all the stresses of looking after Dad and then everything about her ex-son being a faggot” the more that words come the more it actually hurts me to have that said to me because since doing porn I’ve met so many amazing guys who aren’t straight and learnt that it doesn’t matter about what your preferences are it’s the person that you are that matters like how amazing Tyson is.

“How many times do I need to tell you I’M NOT GAY… IT’S COMPLICATED FOR FUCK SAKE” I start yelling at Tom who doesn’t want to listen to me as I can’t even get a sentence out as he continues ranting at me. 

I sigh as he does and try to hold back the tears “Nah you’re not gay but that’s why you’ve got some other faggots dick in your mouth right? Because that’s all totally normal for a guy to suck on other guys' dick” he says as I’m really starting to feel the hurt right now.

“I KEEP TELLING YOU IT’S COMPLICATED,” I say yelling down the phone at my brother who won’t listen to me. “It’s not complicated Scott.. Jordie or whatever you wanna be called these days… It’s fucking unnatural and you are not my brother anymore and you never will be again” he says as I am starting to cry down the phone.

I start pleading with my brother again “Don’t talk like that to me Tom, nothing is different about me, I’m the same guy that has always been your brother.” Tyson is sitting next to me as I don’t know what else to say right now because he is just not listening to me. “Please can you just hear me out with everything ok Tom… It’s complicated and Mum at least knows a little bit of the story” I try to explain as he finally gets a little bit out.

“I know about the car situation, I know about the fire though I’m starting to wonder if there was anything truthful about that whole thing and you just lied to Mum so that you could move in with that other faggot” he says as I can see that Tyson can hear what was said and I’m worried about the impact that it has on him.

Sitting there, I just don’t feel right now and this whole thing has upset me as I try to finish talking to my brother and nothing happens. “Please Tom don’t tell Mum about anything about this alright… can we keep it our secret” I say almost conceding the argument to him as I don’t want this to end as badly as it is going to.

“Of course, I’m not going to tell Mum about this, I don’t want to add to her stresses any more than what already happens because she’s got Dad and the farm to worry about which she shouldn’t have you worrying about her with all your disgusting homo shit,” he says hanging up.

I’m sitting there shaking right now because I mean I knew there was a day when I thought it might come out but I was probably just naïve to think that I could control the narrative the way that I wanted to where I wouldn’t have to explain what I was doing and nobody would ask questions. Tyson sits down next to me as I’m shaking consumed with anger, fear and just plain hurt because this isn’t something that needed to get so nasty, especially with how my brother talked to me.

Tyson puts his arm around me and even though I know he is only helping I throw his arm off me and stand up “I just need to be alone” I just grab a pair of track pants and hoodie and wander downstairs and just go for a walk.

I was probably harsh on Tyson because none of this is his fault but right now I feel so annoyed at him because if he didn’t push me to go further into porn or make me move in with him then none of this would have happened. I know that’s a stupid way of looking at things but that’s just how I feel about things right now because I need to blame someone right now even though in my head I’ve been telling myself that maybe that I’m not straight at all and definitely don’t feel it anymore but the attack from Tom made me feel that way.

Walking out of the apartment without my phone is probably not the smartest idea but I just need plenty of space as I walk without a plan which isn’t the smartest idea but end up heading towards the bay and find a spot away from everyone as I grab a Corndog from the stand and a bottle of Pepsi and sit down.

My mind is going through so many emotions right now because everything was going fine as just a few months ago I was living in my own apartment and had a solid job with a good family and my own trusted car that had been everywhere. It was so much easier then without all the worries and never having to hide the fact that I was doing porn and worrying about losing my family.

On the other hand, I probably wouldn’t be as happy as I am these days having not met Tyson because he’s let me embrace a whole new lifestyle and be my own person and not the narrow-minded kid from North Dakota who thinks the country way of life should be the whole way. The move proved to me more that everyone is equal no matter what their identity and that there is more than one identity that a person can be which is how that I see myself.

Sitting there, I take a long hard look at things in my life and wonder who I owe to because it was because of my Dad that I had put all my focus into medicine and becoming a doctor so I could help in the way that he couldn’t. It was also Mum’s efforts to keep me focused on all the studies that got me into College in the first place and was her encouragement that helped me make the move from North Dakota.

I sit there thinking that having not been honest about losing the job at the bar all that time ago and I had never really been honest about the apartment issues so wonder if I’ve really been that upfront with her and even if I didn’t tell her about porn, I probably should tell her a lot more. The thought going through my brain is that I’ve been a pretty awful son and brought the family name down and the hate that Tom said is probably deserved because it’s not “natural” as I was brought up to believe.

Though as soon as those thoughts come into my head I realise that I’ve never been happier because even though I never thought that I was ever going to be into men, I feel so much more confident and I know that having sex with three guys doesn’t make me gay, it’s honestly how I feel about things these days. Making friends with the likes of Tyson in particular but having Cam, Henry and Tristan amongst others in my life makes things even better for me and happier than I’ve ever been because it opened my mind.

Tyson has never stopped me from being myself and told me to actually embrace the fact that I’m a kid from North Dakota and tells me that even though I hate the fact that we have more gun shops than Doctors or access to medicine and it helped me to become who I am and gave me a strong purpose and the work ethic I have. I sit there trying to think of what person I want to be because my family is why I wanted to be a doctor to help people who are in the same position as my family who don’t have medical access.

The walk and sitting by the beach is anything but helpful as my mind is more confused now than it was before because I’m happy with how I am but then at the same time my family is why I am doing what I’m doing in life by wanting to become a doctor.

Heading back to the apartment, Tyson has had to go to work so the apartment is empty when I get back and gives me some more time to reflect on everything because the guys around here are the closest things I’ve got to family and Tyson is my best friend. The energy he gives to me is vital and has been the biggest boost to me and if I lost him out of my life then I wouldn’t have the confidence.

I close my eyes and lay on the bed as my eyes close and I fall asleep as all I can hear is Tom’s words “SCOTT… JORDIE WHATEVER YOUR FAGGOT NAME IS” shouting through my head as it makes me sick that my brother who I was closest to know thinks of me no more than a piece of common trash these days.

My head is an absolute mess as I keep telling myself that a kid from North Dakota shouldn’t be working in Gay Porn nor should I even be having sex with other men and be gay. I should be a straight guy in his 20s who gets a good job, provides for his family with a wife and kids, goes to church on a Sunday and live a traditional life not this life of sin.

The fact that this is even going through my head makes me feel even worse because that is the thing that I hate the most and told myself that I would never do that but now I feel like I need to do it even though I don’t want to.

Falling asleep for a little while, I eventually wake up and feel Tyson lying there next to me as I open my eyes. “How you doing now?” he says as I look at the time and see that it’s nearly 7 pm as I look at him and just shrug before crying onto his shoulder.

The emotion right now is overwhelming me because I should have known that this would have come up but I don’t know if I can talk about it as I push away from Tyson’s shoulder still with the blame on him. 

“Well I mean chances are I’ve just my family because there’s no way that Tom is going to keep all that quiet and I should’ve just realised how stupid and selfish I was for moving all this knowing how much the family was struggling and the fact what I was doing was wrong,” I say as Tyson grabs my shoulders and I push them away.

I snap at him when I don’t mean to “Just don’t touch me… it’s all because of you that I’m in this mess because if you didn’t keep talking me into It all the time.”

The words are harsh and Tyson should be angry at me but his demeanour is its usual calm self while I’m an absolute mess right now about everything. “If that’s what you think then that’s fine” he says pretty calmly just going about his business as I look at him.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean? If that’s what I think?” I say as I try not to raise my voice but thought that he would have had more of a reaction to that because he is the one who pushes me and encourages the porn.

I see Tyson close the fridge “Because you’re talking nonsense at the moment because you know you do porn because you’re enjoying it, if you didn’t enjoy it in the first place the you wouldn’t keep going and asking for more shoots and everything like that” he says as I know he has a point but I hate that he does.

I let out a sigh and just vent “FUCK…” I say as Tyson gets a smirk on his face. “If you wanna let it out you can” he says with a smile as I don’t know how he can be smiling because this is a big deal for me and when for him it’s fine he’s happy, but for me, it’s my family who are the reason for doing everything.

“Don’t fucking joke about this alright… the reason that I’m becoming a doctor is that my Dad didn’t have a doctor in town to help him when he needed it and there are so many people in the same case if it wasn’t for my job at the bar going under and the car then I wouldn’t be in porn at all because it certainly wasn’t ever in my plans to be in gay porn” I say as Tyson still takes his time to get ready to cook us something.

The demeanour isn’t changing “Do you hate doing gay porn? Do you hate the fact that you’ve got some stability in your life and that you’re not living in a place where sirens and police are a regular thing every night? Do you hate the friends that you have made?” 

Tyson’s words are pointed and as I think about them and know that he is right about things but I just can’t accept that he’s right “No, I love doing porn, I love the fact that I’m not having to worry every night I go to sleep that all hell will break loose… I hate you” I say still a bit easier letting out a joke which Tyson smiles at.

“Exactly,” he says to me as I nod my head and take a deep breath and reassess everything I like about my life now and maybe the reasons that I came to the city to become a doctor are still there but my world has opened up a lot more and I want more in my life than the small-town life.

Tyson looks at me from the other side of the bench “Look, if you’re family don’t want to accept what you did all so that you could help them then it’s their loss because you are an amazing person and I mean if your brother wants to call you then that’s his opinion and doesn’t make it right just because he’s family.”

I nod my head trying to assess everything as Tyson keeps cooking “And whatever the hell he had to say, you tried to plead your case and if he wants to call you a faggot then let him then because we both know it’s not true.”

Tyson says that and that really upsets me not because he said that but he wants my brother to be allowed to call me that “I’m not having him call me that at all, it’s not fucking right that he can stand there and call me that my own brother.” I get really defensive about it as Tyson just shrugs his shoulders because for him he’s been through all this before multiple times and he’s never had the family bond so it’s completely different.

“Why the fuck does it matter? I get that he’s family and your brother who you were always close with but just because they are blood doesn’t make them anybody special and you know that it’s not true so why does it matter?” Tyson says as I just snap about it.

I sigh “BECAUSE IT DOES TO ME ALRIGHT… YOU MIGHT NOT HAVE THE FAMILY BUT I DO AND THEY MATTER” I raise my voice in a manner that I’ve never done with anyone before but my frustration is boiling over and it’s not even that Tyson is the focus of my frustration but just gets the targeting of it.

“Don’t fucking shout at me alright Scott… I’m just trying to help because I know that your family means a lot to you and your background which I’ve never told you to hide but embrace alright? But as you can tell with me, Family doesn’t mean shit at the time if they don’t accept the person that you are and look at me” he says as I nod my head and accept that but it’s all confusing.

“I don’t mean to play down the fact that your brother called you what he did but it doesn’t matter because it’s just a word that comes from utter ignorance and I’ve been called a lot worse but in the end, it doesn’t bother me because I’m the biggest judge of myself and if I’m good with me, then that’s what matters” Tyson is always so calm and measured when he responds to me as I walk over to the kitchen.

Tyson continues to make us both an omelette “What your brother said shouldn’t matter to you because you know that it’s not true at all, whilst it’s not exactly a common way to support yourself, that’s all it is at the end of the day because this isn’t about you, this about making sure long term that you are supporting your family and being able to help someone because honestly Scott, what matters is here not anywhere else” he says putting his hand on my chest and I smile at him.

I take a deep breath “I guess so but it just hurt because my brother has been my best friend all my life, like we did everything together at home you know he was my protector, we’d go riding, do stuff on the farm” I say thinking how close my brother and I were.

Tyson looks at me “I get that but at the end of the day, if he wants to lose that relationship with you all because of something you do sexually then that’s his loss because if you just tell him everything that happened, he might actually believe you on why if you show how much you care about the family especially because it’s not true.”

I don’t know how much work it will do because my brother is the most ignorant person I know and once he gets something in his head as being right or wrong he won’t change although I know if Donald Trump said something he’d base his opinion on that. “I’ll try to talk to him later, I think the whole thing is just to have a relax and sit down for a while and let things settle” I say as Tyson nods as my phone is on the bench vibrating.

“Your Mum is calling you” he says looking at the screen as I just brush it off not really wanting to talk to my family because I know that there is no way Tom could have kept the secret from her and would’ve enjoyed making my life a mess. “It’s cool… I’ll talk to her tomorrow, she knows I’m studying because we talked the other day,” I say just wanting some space.

Tyson picks up my phone “She’s called you four times in 10 minutes” he says as he gets his phone out of his pocket “Now she’s calling me and it must be serious” he says as he answers the phone.

Tyson: “Hello…”

*Mum talks down the phone*

Tyson: “Ah no, he’s just popped down to the supermarket to get something for dinner… I can get him to call you back when he gets back”

*Mum talks*

Tyson: “Sounds serious, yep as soon as he’s in the door I’ll make sure ma’am”

Tyson gets off the phone and looks at me “You need to ring her back now, it’s pretty serious”

I ring Mum, really nervous that she is going to say something about what Tom found out and no doubt he’s spread around the town or at least through his friends about me which would go against everything the hometown believes in.

Me: “Hey Mum… everything ok?”

Mum: “Scott… Scott…”

I can hear almost tears in her voice right now as I’m gulping worried that she’s upset about me and Tom told her everything about my life here in the city as I get into a strong panic that Tyson has to stand in front of me and reminds me to breathe and focus on the call.

Me: “Talk to me, Mum…”

She starts talking to me as I am now more than expecting her to ask me about what Tom called me about this morning and how much she hates what she heard and probably saw me doing.

Mum: “It’s… It’s….”

Me: “Mum… just breathe ok, everything is going to be ok”

Mum: “Did Tom tell you then?”

The minute she mentions my brother my heart is now really sinking that he told her everything and my life in the city is front page news in the backwater of home.

Me: “I spoke to Tom this morning… but he didn’t tell me anything”

Mum: ‘Oh… well… it’s just”

I can hear her struggling to get the words out right now as Tyson sits next to me and puts his arm around me to comfort me under the assumption she knows about the porn and what I get into here in the city.

Mum: “Then he hasn’t told you the news… Dad passed away this afternoon, he fell asleep watching TV and had another stroke and didn’t wake up”

I sit there shaking, Tyson can’t hear what is being said as he squeezes me tight and has his arm around me as I ask Mum what happened.

Mum: “I went to afternoon tea with Nora and the ladies from the Community Hall and well when I got home, your Dad was still there watching TV and he was asleep and just didn’t wake up…”

Me: “Oh god”

Mum: “I know you’re busy needing to focus on exams and studying so you don’t need to rush home but just let your friends know and let them look after you ok”

Me: “Nah, I need to be there to be with you… I’ll make plans”

Mum: “OK well let me know and Tom can pick you up from the station”

Me: “It’s alright I’ll manage… Tom doesn’t need to come”

Mum: “Well I gotta get going to the hospital… talk to you soon Scott… love you”

Tyson looks across at me as the conversation didn’t go how he was expecting and neither did I when I answered it. “What happened, did she find out?” he asks as I shake my head and break down into tears on his shoulder crying harder than I ever have before.

“No… my Dad died” I say before hugging him and feeling him hug me even tighter holding me as I take in the news.