From Campus to Camera

Tyson lets go of me because he doesn’t want to set the kitchen on fire while cooking us both omelettes and even though I don’t want to have anything to eat he persists that I need something because I really haven’t eaten all day.

Neither of us knows how to react because there’s nothing that I can do right now other than just sit here in Tyson’s until I know when and if I can go back to North Dakota with so much college work and exams coming up which I know there is a process for this sort of thing.

Tyson brings the omelette over to me and sits down “I’m not that hungry” he glares at me as I say that even though he went to the effort. “Scotty, you haven’t eaten a thing today or at least I haven’t seen you eat anything and it will be good to fill your stomach” he says as I nod my head and start eating it.

The tension in the room is really weird because there is so much emotion after I snapped at Tyson earlier and I know that he says that it didn’t bother him and that he has a tough skin but it probably hurt him a lot. “This tastes good” I say as he smiles and sits next to me and puts the TV on just flicking through trying to find something good.

I can tell that Tyson doesn’t know how to react right now to the situation as he is trying to keep things normal but with everything that happened today, it’s hard because neither of us seem to be in a chatty happy mood as I finish the food which as much as I didn’t want to eat I needed it.

“I’m gonna just chill out in my room for a bit, I need a lay down” I say as Tyson rubs my arm and tells me that if I need a hug throughout the night then just let him know which I tell him that I’ll think about it as I head to my room.

Laying there in the dark, just looking out at the city, I can’t get my mind around everything that happened today waking up in such a good mood only for it to be destroyed by Tom ringing me and then this afternoon finding out about Dad. The lights of the city show me how much I feel at home here right now but at the same time, I feel like I am a bit of a failure because I should have been back home looking after the farm for Mum and Dad even though I was probably the worst at it.

I look at the photos I have on the shelf in my room and pick up the picture of me and Dad on my 10th birthday together which is the only picture that I could find to bring with me and I can feel the tears forming in my eyes just thinking about us with all the times that we had together and me doing all this was to help people like him.

Looking out the window, I realise that I will probably need to make a decision when I get home because even though Mum says that she wouldn’t need the help but I know that she is struggling with the farm even though Tom and Tim are running things for her but there will be plenty of expectations for me to stay.

The lights of the city feel more like home for me these days because I love the freedom of the city where you can walk down the street and people generally don’t know who you are though in mine and Tyson’s case more people would know who we are. The difference to back home is astronomical given that back home everybody seems to know everything down to what blood type you have and there seems to be this expectation that they have to know every single little thing about you.

Laying back on my bed, I fall asleep pretty quickly and only wake up when Tyson comes in at about midnight to check on me

 “Hey, I didn’t mean to wake you up,” he says coming in as I move across on the bed and let him lay next to me as I feel bad for bringing all my dramas onto him. “I’m sorry for bringing this all on you and…” Tyson puts his arm around me and cuddles into me as he kisses me on the cheek.

I fall asleep again as he lays there with me and I don’t know how long he does because the next morning he is still in the clothes from the night before as I wake up just feel him around me which makes me feel safe both physically and mentally.

“Morning,” I say as I look at him lying there smiling at me as he kisses me and I kiss him back softly which feels good as we just lay there cuddling. “How are you feeling this morning?” he says as I shrug because I don’t feel as exhausted as I did yesterday but mentally I still feel pretty fragile.

The two of us lay there for a bit “You didn’t go back to your room last night?” I say turning around to look at him as he shakes his head. “Nah, when you fell asleep I didn’t want to leave you alone because you were so peaceful there and I didn’t want to disturb you” he says as I look into his eyes and realise the bond between me and Tyson is the most important thing to me and greater than the relationship that I have with my brother.

“You could have gotten changed during the night or slept in your bed” I tell Tyson who shrugs as I say that. “I’ve gone to bed still wearing my suit pants and shirt so a T-shirt and shorts like this is pretty comfortable… even though it’s well overdressed for my usual nightwear,” he says as we both laugh and I feel so much better this morning even though I’m still coming to grips with the shock of everything.

We lay there for a few more minutes as Tyson eventually gets up and I check my phone and just see a few text messages from people at home passing on their condolences which means that at least some people don’t know about what Tom knows or at least being polite and hiding what they know.

The rest of Sunday actually feels better as I try to do a lot of what I would normally do on the weekend and it tries to take my mind off everything that is going on at home and calm my overthinking the situation because even if it is bad, then I have a home here.

The next morning, I head straight to the College office straight away as I need to apply for a special circumstances exemption as I head to the administration office. I don’t know how long that I need or what is going to happen while I’m away as I speak to someone for a few minutes and have to wait for the Head of Administration who thankfully knows my home situation and is one of my lecturers on their only class they teach.

“Professor Stam, I need to know about an exemption for exams because well my Dad passed away and I need to go back home in the next few days but I don’t know how long I’ll be away and you know how important it all is to me,” I say not expecting as much compassion as I would like.

The professor types onto his computer “I can put through the exemptions, your marks have you pretty much at the top of my class so I can organise an Exam exemption for my class and I’ll average out your mark because I have no doubt that you would nail the exam” he says as he continues typing and approves the exemption for me on that class but then gives me the details that I need to get for the others but gives a note to me that basically says that he is approving the exemption.

Thankfully, all my lecturers are reasonable people and give me exemptions to varying degrees with one saying that I can do an online version of the exam and one saying that I can do a delayed exam depending on time and the other is happy to give me an averaged estimate.

The College stuff is thankfully sorted out pretty easily even though it takes me all day and now I have to organise my plans to head home even though I don’t want to think about it and I know that Tom isn’t one to control his emotions that well when I do get there.

Getting back to the apartment, Tyson is at home sitting on the couch as it’s his day off because he has a couple of events to work over the next few weekends so he gets the extra day off during the week. “So how did everything go down there? They are pretty reasonable about the situation” he says to me as I nod my head.

“Yeah, being a good student helps a lot which maybe you could’ve done with” Tyson punches me as I tease him about that and he wants to know what happened. “Basically, I was lucky that the head of administration is also one of my professors so he gave me a total exemption and one of the other professors did but one wants me to do it online which I suppose is ok” I say looking at Tyson who nods his head and seems happy.

I head to my room and look at travel options as everything is so expensive and awkward because the town is located nowhere near an airport or train station so wherever I end up will need a long ride with my brother and god knows what will happen.

Tyson walks in about an hour or so later after he went to the grocery store “Do you want me to come with you so that you at least have somebody with you and at least I can be there for you because I don’t want you feeling so isolated once you get there” he says to me as I shake my head.

“Not a chance in hell am I letting you come with me, I’d love your support but bringing you along with me would make more issues, especially with my brother because he knows who you are and I know that it’ll make things a lot worse” Tyson nods his head but looks worried about my situation once I get back home.

The tickets to get home cost a fortune because the prices to the nearest airport are exorbitant because it’s more of a route that the airline has to have out of necessity rather than through demand so it costs a lot to get back home.

As I book the tickets, my stomach drops because I feel so nervous about the possibility of being an outcast in the town where my family has lived for generations and where everybody is close friends and more like family. It’s also the thought of the fact that I need to see my brother for the first time given he knows about the porn and how nasty he got about it and I don’t know what I need to do to protect myself because I don’t know what is going to happen.

I text the trip details to both Mum and my brother as Mum reminds me that Tom will head to pick me up even though I tell her that it’s not necessary and I can organise some sort of transport but she won’t give up on Tom coming to pick me up from the airport rather than where the nearest coach stop is.

“Fuck I am not looking forward to this,” I say as Tyson is playing the Playstation as I sit down next to him and he pauses the game and puts his arm around me. “You sure you don’t want me to come with you might be better and not to leave you so isolated because I know your Mum doesn’t know but you can’t always be with her during the trip and it scares me what they’re going to do” I nod my head but then tell Tyson I don’t want him there.

I sigh “Nah, you being there is just going to make things a lot worse, especially with my brother and how his group of friends will be towards you because I know that wouldn’t ever be afraid to get into you physically” he nods his head and puts his arm around me.

“I left my return open-ended because I just don’t know how long I need to be home and if I could get home because I know that things have been a struggle and I don’t want to feel like I have abandoned her and the family but especially Dad with things being a struggle” Tyson looks at me nodding his head as he understands my point but doesn’t fully agree.

Tyson sighs “Don’t let them control your life, if they don’t want to accept what you have done then that’s their choice but don’t let them make you feel guilty because at the end of the day, what you want and need to do comes from here” he says to me putting his hand on my chest to remind me about what he is saying.

“The fact is that you’re probably one of the nicest and most kind-hearted guys that I’ve met and I don’t want them making you feel bad one bit for that, you have to do what you want to do and sometimes that makes people upset but that sadly is life” Tyson’s words sink in as I nod my head knowing what he means and my preference would be to stay here in the city.

Heading into my room I pack my bags, as Tyson tells me just to focus on myself for a while as I head down to the gym focusing on my mental state right now because I’m not feeling too good just worrying about the travel because I’ve never been on a plane and then seeing the family and the rest of the town.

Heading back up, Tyson wanted to make it feel special for me as he was going to order dinner and make me the “Prince” of the night but I told him that is what I want when I get back because during the workout I made the decision that I need to return here because I feel more comfortable here than I do back in North Dakota.

The rest of the afternoon and night just feels like any other night between the two of us which is perfect as we just do our own thing watching TV before I go to bed early because I’ve got an early start in the morning and need to compose myself.

Tyson is up well before me and I can tell he has more nervous energy than he ever has for any porn shoot he has done “You sure I can’t come with you, it won’t take me that long to get a ticket because…”

I shake my head “NO… you need to be here because you’ve got the salon to look after and aren’t you filming this week?” he nods his head as I say that and tell him that I’ll be fine.

Tyson at least organises me a ride to the airport where he doesn’t want to leave me and as we stand there in the airport departures before I go through security he wraps his arm around me as I look up at him and we kiss. The kiss feels a lot more romantic than anything else and I can’t deny that my feelings for him are playing a big part in wanting to be here and looking at him all the concerns that I used to have about what people think here in the city are long gone and it’s almost like I want to show the world who I am.

As Tyson lets me go he holds me “Make sure that you let me know when you get there safely and text me every couple of hours and most importantly… come back to me” he says like I’m going off to war and at risk at never coming back even though it will be just like a family war.

Heading through security, I let both Mum and Tyson know the details sending them almost identical texts as Mum rings me while I’m waiting in Denver for the connecting flight as my nerves are really getting to me.

Mum: “Morning Scott, Tom has already left for the airport to come and pick you up. I know that you didn’t but he said that he didn’t want you to spend any more money to get here”

Me: “Oh… well ok I guess”

Mum: “I know you didn’t want to be a burden but everybody is pulling together and it’ll be good to see you again”

Me: “Yep, well I need something to eat before getting on the plane so will talk to you when I’m in the car with Tom”

I hang up with Mum and straight away ring Tyson to get his advice on the situation

Tyson: “How’s North Dakota, bro”

Me: “Still in Denver but my brother is apparently on his way to pick me up because he wanted to do it which worries me”

Tyson: “So? He’s not going to do anything to you on the way there because that would create more issues than not wouldn’t it?”

Me: “True but I don’t know what reason he has to be so eager to pick me up if it’s not to be nasty”

Tyson: “Well if it is to be nasty, remember that whatever he says is just words and you know you’re a better person than what he is because he has his point of view and look at you, you’re actually open to new perspectives and self-growth rather than having that point of view.”

Me: “Yeah I know but he was the closest person to me growing up and same with my cousin Tim”

Tyson: “I know, but remember you just need to be you not what anybody else is ok? Talk to you tonight at any time”

Me: “Yeah I will… I’ll see you probably next week I think”

Tyson: “OK good, stay safe Scott and remember to think for yourself”

I hang up from talking to Tyson before getting something to eat and then get on the plane for the flight as I really don’t know how my brother is going to react once I see him.

The flight gets into the airport and the terminal is small as I see my brother’s big frame sitting there on the bench as he spots me and stands up and walks over as I can’t gauge his reaction either way at first as I don’t even know if I can speak to him right now.

“Hey bro” I say not wanting to say the wrong thing after he told me to call him Thomas, not Tom and the emotions of how nasty he was to me. Keeping up the appearances, he pulls me in for a hug that’s more casual acquaintance than any real brotherly warmth as he lets go of me.

“Good to see you bro” he says as he looks around as I smile and think that maybe I am lucky that he has forgotten everything until we get to his truck when things change. “Surprised you actually wanted to show your face around here Scott… or is it Jordie these days” he says getting agitated as he talks to me.

I sigh “You know my name is Scott and I told you that the whole situation is complicated alright and of course I would be here because Mum needs me and needs us here together as a family” I say even though Tom wouldn’t get it through his head that I still care about the family.

“Oh yeah, you fucking care so much about the family that you couldn’t stick around when you knew things were going to be a struggle for Mum after Dad but no you had to move as far away as possible and put what YOU wanted first because that’s always been you Scott, it’s never about the rest it’s always look at how good you are” Tom’s words hit me but I reflect on what Tyson said to me on the phone and take a deep breath to compose myself.

I let out another big sigh “If I had what I wanted then I wouldn’t have to be coming back here for Dad’s funeral now would I at all, he’d be still working the farm with Mum and everything would be successful but life doesn’t work that way and I’m doing what I’m doing BECAUSE of what happened to Dad”

Tom looks across at me shaking his head “Oh yeah… I bet Dad would have loved the fact that you’re on your knees with a faggots dick in your mouth and changing your name because we’re not good enough for you” he says almost starting to yell at me as I roll my eyes.

Shaking my head, I just look at him “I told you the circumstances were complicated about WHY I had to do that.” Tom doesn’t get it and I know that no amount of explaining is going to get his head around it because it’s like trying to penetrate a brick wall with a pencil nothing is ever going to get through.

“It was never what I intended for my life to happen but it did” I say as Tom looks at me and just glares at me as I have to sit there and just take it with another 2 hours driving until we get to the town and then another 20 minutes to the farm beyond that.

The car ride is nothing but awkward as there is just silence between us as I try to start any sort of conversation with Tom who just ignores me for the rest of the way and I just put my headphones in and listen to the music off my phone. 

As we get close to town Tom’s phone goes off “I need to stop off at Al’s to pick up something and have to pick up the animal feed” he says as it’s going to be the first time that I see anybody in town that isn’t my brother and get a sense of who knows what.

We pull up outside one of the 8 stores which of course is one of the gun shops and my brother goes in as I get out of the car and walk down the street for a bit just to see who I can see and instantly the few people that are around I can see giving me daggers of looks as I get the sense that plenty of people know.

Standing outside the car, I notice my cousin Tim walking up with his oldest son who looks excited to see me at first “Hey Tim, Hey Justin” I see Justin come towards me and I get excited before Tim grabs him and pulls him away. 

“Remember what I said, Justin? We don’t have anything to do with Scott anymore alright? He’s not the kind of person that is welcome here” he says as my stomach drops and realise that it’s more than just Tom that knows about the porn. I’m standing by the truck as the guys pull each other in for a bro hug and talk loud enough “You actually let it into the truck?” Tim asks as I try to ignore everything that is being said but it’s hard.

Tom nods “Yeah, I mean it’s only for Mum’s sake because she wanted him here and she doesn’t know anything about the homo shit so we gotta keep it quiet because it’ll make her so upset.” I at least feel good that Mum doesn’t know so I don’t need to have that conversation even though I will probably need to explain it one day.

Tom stands with Justin for a minute as Tim walks over to me as he looks at me with disgust and grabs my shirt “What on earth possessed you to come back here where nobody wants your type here it’s fucking disgusting to bring your perverted lifestyle here and don’t bother speaking to the kids I don’t want them catching and learning that stuff off you and really it’s lucky nobody has shot you.”

The language of my cousin is not very surprising given that he wasn’t gifted highly in the academic stakes and he thinks having the ability to drink a can of beer and shoot is the highlight of being skilful in life as I just shrug my shoulders.

“You can think whatever the fuck you want Tim, because it’s sad that you can’t open your mind instead of being the stupid asshole you’ve always been” he gets angry and grabs my shirt and pins me against the truck getting ready to hit me as Tom comes over and pulls him away from me and gives me the evil glare.

I stand there scared thinking he would “Dude… I told you we weren’t doing anything this week that could upset Mum further alright? He’s here and then going to leave like we want next week” Tom being my protector again is good although not for the reasons that I would like as he hugs Tim and pats him on the back as Tim and Justin walk off.

Getting back into the truck, Tom looks at me “You had to say something didn’t you, you couldn’t just fucking be quiet could you? You know what everything is going to be like for this week so don’t bring attention to you and your type” he says as it’s almost a caring side to him even though I know he doesn’t like the fact that I’ve done the stuff that I have with Tyson.

The two of us drive to the feed store as I try to figure out how to deal with things a lot more than I am because even though I thought it would be tough, naively I didn’t ever think it would get anywhere near as hostile as it would, especially with family and I just feel bad that Mum is going to find out because someone is going to have a slip of the tongue.

During the stop at the feed store, I stay in the truck much to my own annoyance because I wanted to get back into town and talk to the people who were friends to me even though from the very limited experience I’ve had the only person that is going to be fully welcoming is Mum all because she doesn’t know the truth though it’s only a matter of time.

The drive home reminds me of the old times of how good it used to be here and how connected we used to be as a family as Tom pulls into the long driveway and parks behind the truck that used to be Dad’s that has been sitting there for a while as the farm actually looks good with all the work everybody has done to pitch in.

I grab my bags out of the car and Tom opens the door “It’s home” he says throwing his keys into the bowl as Mum comes quickly down the hallway and wraps her arm around me tightly as she kisses me on the cheek. 

“You two enjoying the trip back” I nod my head and smile as Mum is thankful that both her sons are together getting along under the roof again like we were when we were close as kids and growing up even though sadly she doesn’t know how nasty things are between us.

Tom looks at Mum “Yeah it was fine, we just chatted along the way as he asked me about how everything was on the farm mostly, I didn’t really get to ask him about school or work” he says glaring at me as I don’t know whether he is saying that because he knows about the job because I never got to explain the circumstances which I have no idea whether it would make the situation better or worse.

I go and put my bag in my old bedroom which hasn’t changed at all in the time I’ve been away even though it’s been so long since I’ve been home as I grab my phone out to text Tyson.

Me: “Made it… just 🫤”

Tyson: “Phew… guessing it wasn’t smooth travels”

Me: “Not really, will try to talk to you later”

I put my phone on charge and walk back out to the living room as Mum is trying to fuss over me “You must want something to eat? I’ve got some Meat in the fridge that I can cook for an early dinner” she says as I shake my head. 

“No, I just want you to go through the normal routine of things you normally do,” I tell her as she is trying to make a fuss over me as Tom comes back into the house from putting the feed away as the rest of his family live on another cottage that he built so that he can look after the farm with Mum.

I sit down on the couch exhausted looking around as Mum wants to get me anything as she brings me a bottle of water as I look across at her. “How is everything with you, Mum? Are you doing ok?” I say as Tom gives me daggers again for asking that thinking that me asking is some pathway to me telling her about the city.

“I’m doing alright considering, I mean nothing really changed from when your Dad first had his stroke you know, he couldn’t do anything and I think that he’s out of pain which is best” she says wiping her eyes as Tom looks at me shaking my head.

Tom stands there “Why do you need to bring that up Scott? You think she is going to be doing cartwheels about being alone on the farm to look after things with you so far away” he says as Mum whacks him for having a go at me.

“THOMAS… Scott is making something of his life and it was with your Dad’s blessing that Scott went East for college even after the stroke because he doesn’t want you all stuck here all your life” Mum says as Tom scoffs and Mum hits him again harder. “If I don’t have an issue with Scott living in the city and working at that Bar while he is going to College” she says as I nod my head and Tom glares at me but relents.

I don’t bother to say anything about the job because I have been through enough and I know that Mum is worried about me and right now I don’t want to worry her anymore and just want to get settled before a rough next few days.