Make the right decision, Jack. Accepting Brad’s help and going to that meeting is going to be life changing for you. I promise it will be for the better. You are a good man and even if you haven’t realized it yet, you have surrounded yourself with other good people.
Don’t be afraid to call your old workout buddies, they will welcome you back with open arms. Keep leaning on Beth and Kyle and your family. They will always be there for you, and you will be there them. You are also going to keep expanding your friend circle with more good people…
***
I stared at the card that Brad handed me, then looked at him. He must have sensed I had a few questions.
He said, “A couple of years after Jan, my wife, and I were married, we wanted to start our family. We tried for a long time to have a baby. After so many doctor’s appointments and tests, we just accepted the fact that we would not have kids. A year later, we were thrilled when Jan found out that she was pregnant. When she gave birth to our daughter Ashley, there were complications. Jan and Ashley survived, but Jan would never be able to have any more children. I was just happy that my wife and daughter were alive and doing well. Even though it was only one child, we had the family that we had always dreamed of.”
He took a deep breath and continued, “When Ashley turned 13, she suddenly was tired and seemed to always have the flu. It turned out to be cancer, and we spent the next five years in and out of the hospital for treatments. Right after she turned 18, she was ready to graduate from high school. She had been getting weaker over the last year. The doctor let us take her out of the hospital so she could graduate with her classmates. The school let me help her walk across the stage to accept her diploma. A week later, she died.”
Tears ran down Brad’s cheek, and mine too. I stood up and walked around my desk and gave him a hug.
He gave me a smile, “That was five years ago. Jan and I joined this group about six months after Asley died. The group has really helped us, I don’t think Jan and I would still be married today if it wasn’t for this group. I think you might find it beneficial too.”
Brad told me that he and his wife started out going to the meetings every week but now they are down to going once a month. When he said that they were going next Tuesday, he offered to pick me up. I accepted.
I stopped by the cemetery that night after work and told Alex about my talk with Brad. I can’t explain it, but by the time I left the cemetery, I felt better than I have since Alex died. I felt like Alex told me that it was okay to move on. I still don’t know what that will look like, but it was time to find out.
I talked to Beth that weekend and told her what I was doing, I still haven’t told her anything about that night I got drunk. She agreed that I should go to the meeting and said that she knew Alex would want me to be happy.
Tuesday afternoon, Brad came into the office as he was leaving for the day, he said, “Jan and I will pick you up at 6:30. Remember, if you don’t want to talk tonight, it’s okay to just sit and listen.”
I smiled, “Thanks Brad, I really appreciate the help.”
We walked into the Community Center and Brad introduced me to a few people. He told me that there were a couple of other newcomers, and the group leader would introduce them once the meeting started. We each grabbed a bottle of water and found a seat.
The group leader walked behind the podium and introduced himself as Pastor Ron. He asked any newcomers to introduce themselves. He said we didn’t have come to the podium; we could just stand up and share whatever we were comfortable with.
The first person to stand up was a lady that appeared to be in her sixties. She said, “My name is Betty, and I lost my husband a month ago. I am just trying to find my way as a single person. We were married for 45 years and did everything together.”
The rest of the group welcomed her as she sat back down. I stood up next and took a deep breath. I said, “My name is Jack, my boyfriend Alex was killed in a car accident about a year ago.” I felt the lump in my throat start to rise and the tears start to well up in my eyes. I paused, not sure what else to say.
Pastor Ron said, “It’s okay Jack. We all know the first time attending these meetings is hard. If you want share more later, just let us know.”
I sat back down and Jan, Brad’s wife, patted my thigh and gave me a smile. The last to stand up was a guy that was sitting behind us.
He stood and cleared his throat, “My name is Mitch. Like Jack, I lost my boyfriend about a year ago.” He didn’t say anything more.
I turned to look at him as he sat down. I couldn’t place him, but I thought I had seen Mitch before, I just couldn’t remember where. Pastor Ron continued the meeting, having the others share stories about the loved ones that they lost. The meeting did help me, I even shared a story about an experience Alex and I had, that was similar to one that another member had just shared.
After the meeting, I talked briefly with Pastor Ron and few others. They were all very nice and I decided I would be coming back next week. I was grateful that all the other members didn’t seem to be judging me for admitting that I was gay. Especially since, other than Mitch, the rest were talking about their spouses and children. I thanked Brad and Jan again as they dropped me off at my apartment. I immediately called Beth and told her about my night, and she agreed to go with me next week.
The rest of the week went a little better than the week before. On Friday I made my weekly stop to visit Alex. As I was walking to Alex’s grave, I saw the man that I had seen many times before walking away from the grave that he always visited. As he got in his car, I realized it was Mitch from the meeting earlier this week.
After my visit with Alex, I walked over to the grave where Mitch had just been. My heart skipped a beat when I read the name and date. Joshua Fischer, and the date was the same day that Alex died. I remembered the obituary that I read when I was cutting Alex’s out of the newspaper. As I drove home, I decided I would talk to Mitch, we suddenly had a lot more in common than I thought.
The next Tuesday, I rushed to the Community Center, arriving early for the meeting. I was disappointed when Mitch didn’t show up. The next Friday, I also didn’t see him at the cemetery. The following week, the same thing. I was hoping that Mitch hadn’t decided to stop attending the grief meetings. For some reason, I really wanted to talk to him.
I was so relieved the next week when he took his seat in the back row again. Pastor Ron started the meeting and asked if anyone wanted to share. Several members stood and talked, Beth even talked about her and Alex growing up together and about their relationship with her parents. I think the meetings really helped her too.
I kept my eye on Mitch the entire meeting, I wanted to make sure he didn’t slip out before I had a chance to talk to him. I even pointed him out to Beth. She told me she would be happy to wait until I talked to him after the meeting. Somehow, I missed him leaving, Mitch was nowhere to be found after the meeting ended.
On the way home, Beth told me that Alex would want me to talk to Mitch.
I chuckled, “I’m not sure I want to date him, I just think that we have something in common.” I told her about Josh and Alex dying on the same day.
She smiled, “You do what feels right to you, Jack. Either way, Alex would be happy for you.”
I knew that I was going to sit in the back row at next week’s meeting and not let Mitch leave before I talked to him. Thankfully, I didn’t have to wait until Tuesday. While I was visiting Alex on Friday, I turned to go back to my car, Mitch had parked beside me and was leaning against his car.
I took a deep breath and approached him. He smiled, “It’s Jack, right?”
I returned his smile, “Yes, and you’re Mitch?”
He nodded, “Yes.” He held his hand out and we shook.
He said, “I didn’t want to interrupt your visit, so I waited until you were done.”
I smiled, “Thanks, I didn’t even see you were here.”
Mitch said, “I was just leaving when I saw you pull up, so I decided to wait for you. Would you like to go get a cup of coffee and talk?”
My heart pounded in my chest, “Yes, I would like that.”
We got into our cars, and I followed Mitch to the nearest coffee shop. He was gorgeous, he had dark hair, eyes and skin. He was obviously of Mediterranean descent. He was about my height and weight and when we shook hands, I was sure I felt a jolt of electricity.
We ordered our coffee and found a table in the back corner of the shop.
I said, “I have wanted to talk to you for last few weeks.”
He smiled, “Yeah, I had to go out of town for work for two weeks. I kind of wanted to talk to you too and I also wanted to thank you.”
I chuckled, “Thank me? For what?”
He said, “That first night with the support group. You stood up and introduced yourself and said that your boyfriend had died.”
I nodded, “Yeah, and you said the same thing.”
Mitch sighed, “I did, but I wasn’t planning on it. After hearing the others talk about their husband or wife, I was worried if they knew I was gay, they might think that my grief was different than theirs. I was just going to say my partner and not mention Josh’s name. When you didn’t even hesitate and said my boyfriend, Alex, you gave me the courage to do the same thing.”
I smiled, “I’m glad I could help. To be honest, I don’t care what other people think about me. I’m not ashamed of who I am.”
He said, “Wow, that is amazing, I’m working on my confidence, but I’m still new to this whole gay thing.”
I furrowed my brow, “You just discovered that you are gay?”
Mitch shook his head, “No, that didn’t come out right. I have always known that I am gay. I messed around with a few guys in high school and college but never told anyone. I never thought I would want to have relationship with another man. About 4 years ago, I met Josh and that all changed. I knew he was the one that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.”
I smiled, “That was the same thing I felt about Alex.”
Mitch asked, “Do you want to tell me about Alex? You don’t have to, if you don’t want to.”
I felt a tear start to form, “If you want to hear about him, I would love to tell you.”
I spent the next half hour telling Mitch things that I had never told anyone else. He then did the same thing, telling me all about Josh.
I asked, “How did Josh die? If you don’t mind me asking.”
Mitch smiled, “No, it’s okay, it’s really helping me, talking about this.” He took a deep breath and gathered his thoughts, “He was filling his car with gas after work one night. Just as he finished, he saw some thug pulling an old guy out of his car, he was trying to steal the car. Josh rushed over to help the old guy and the thug pulled a knife and stabbed him. He bled out before the ambulance could get there.”
I said, “Oh God, I am so sorry.”
He took a deep breath, “It’s okay, that was just who Josh was. He would do anything to help anyone, even if he didn’t know them. He always hated bullies and at his funeral, there were lots of people that told me that Josh defended them when they were in high school.”
I smiled, “He sounds like a great guy.”
Mitch nodded, “He is. I know you said that Alex was in a car accident, what caused the accident?”
I swallowed hard, “He was t-boned at a stop light. The doctor told me he died instantly and would have been paralyzed if he had lived.”
He reached over and put his hand on mine, “I’m sorry, Jack.”
I continued, “When we got the police report, they told us that the guy that hit him was drunk, twice the legal limit. They also told us that the guy didn’t have his lights on so Alex would never have seen him coming. The guy was going 60 MPH in a 35 MPH zone and never hit his brakes.”
Mitch shook his head, “My God. Did the other guy survive?”
I wiped the tear from my eye, “No, he died four days later.” I took another breath, “Is it bad that when I found out he was in a lot of pain those four days and his death was not pleasant, I was actually very happy that he suffered?”
He said, “No, not at all. The guy that stabbed Josh took off running and when the cops finally found him, there was a standoff and they ended up shooting him. When I was told that he died, I was glad and I hope that he rots in hell.”
We sat there; our eyes locked on each other. I looked down and noticed that Mitch still had his hands on top of mine. Mitch pulled back and said, “Sorry.”
I shook my head, “No, it’s okay.” I reached out and put my hand on top of his. He gave me a smile.
We talked for a bit longer and left to go home. I had never felt so comfortable talking to anyone like that. The only other person that I would do that with was Alex. What the hell is happening? I got home and the suddenly felt like I was cheating on Alex. I had not had a good night’s sleep in over a year, but tonight, my thoughts were not filled with losing Alex but filled with the time that I had just spent with Mitch.
The next morning, I went to see Beth and Kyle. After I played with Conner and Cole, Beth poured us a cup of coffee. She sent the boys to their room to play, and Kyle joined us at the table to talk. I told them all about my evening with Mitch.
Beth smiled, “I think that’s great Jack. Are you going to see him again?”
I shrugged, “I’m sure we will see each other at the support group meetings, he told me he was going to keep going.”
Kyle said, “Maybe you can go out for coffee again after the meeting, you know, to get to know each other better.”
I laughed, “I’m not sure that is possible, we told each other a lot last night. I told him some things about me that I had only ever told Alex before.”
Beth said, “That means there is a connection. I really think you need to see where things go.”
I said, “But I feel guilty, like I’m cheating on Alex.”
Kyle said, “Jack, Alex is gone. We all hate it and would love to have him back, but that can’t happen. Alex would want you to move on.”
I fought back the tears, Beth added, “He’s right Jack, it sounds like Mitch has been through the same thing. You guys should talk and take things slow. Don’t push him away because you miss Alex. I bet Mitch has a lot of these same feelings. You should go on a real date.”
I sighed, “You guys are the best. I know you’re right; Alex would be happy for me.”
After another hour of them convincing me, I went home and called Mitch.
He laughed when he answered the phone. I asked, “What’s so funny?”
He said, “I just tried calling you three times in the last hour.”
I smiled, “Maybe I should get an answering machine.”
Mitch said, “I guess I should do that too.”
I asked, “So, why were you trying to call me?”
He sighed, “Well, I talked to my brother this morning, and he told me I should quit being such a wussy and ask you out on a date.”
I laughed, “Are you asking me out?”
Mitch chuckled, “Was that not clear?”
I smirked, “Well, I have never been asked out by wussy before, so I was just trying to make sure I understood correctly.”
He said, “Okay, I see how you want to be. Jack, would you like to go on a date with me tonight?”
I said, “Yes, I would love to. You can pick the restaurant.
Mitch said, “I will pick you up at 7. We’ll go someplace casual.”
I gave him my address, and we finalized the plans for the evening. As soon as we hung up, I called Beth and told her about the date. She is so great, she and Kyle were happy for me. I guess deep down, I knew Alex was happy for me too.
The afternoon couldn’t go by fast enough. I hadn’t felt like this since me and Alex first started to date. I tried to clean up around my apartment, but I was having trouble concentrating. It was finally time for me to take my shower, and I spent entirely too much time trying to decide on what to wear. I don’t know why I was so nervous, we spent several hours together last night, I already knew he was interested in me. I was definitely interested in him.
Mitch knocked on my door right at 7 and I greeted him with a smile. He drove us to a nice locally owned Italian restaurant downtown. It was a quiet place with the best mood lighting for a first date. We picked up our conversation right where we left off last night. Mitch seemed to have the same relationship with his brother as I had with Beth. I was glad to hear his family accepted that he was gay, just as mine accepted me.
I, of course, told him about the usual greeting I got from my brother; I didn’t want to shock him the first time they met. Oh God, am I already thinking about having Mitch meet my family? Okay, just slow down Jack, let’s just see where things go from here.
Our meal was wonderful, both the food and the company. Mitch didn’t question me when I only ordered water to drink. I had not had a drop of alcohol since that night I ended up in the hotel room. That was about the only thing that I had not told Mitch about. I needed to wait for the right time for that conversation.
After the best raspberry cheesecake I have ever had, Mitch paid the bill. I tried to pay for my meal, but he insisted that he asked me out and all wussies pick up the tab when they make a date.
Mitch took my hand after he started his car, He asked, “Would you like to go back to my place for a cup of coffee?”
I smiled, “Sure, I would like that.”
As we drove down the street, I was starting to worry about how far things were going to go. First of all, was I ready to get intimate? I had not thought about sex ever since that night a couple of months ago. To be honest, there was no pleasure that night, I felt totally violated. I had not made love to anyone since Alex died. Was I ready to go down that road with Mitch?
I sat on the couch as Mitch made the coffee. While it was brewing, he sat beside me and took my hand. I did enjoy his touch but started to get a bit nervous. Mitch slowly leaned toward me until his lips met mine. After a quick peck, I pulled back.
Mitch looked at me, “Is everything okay?”
I sighed, “Yes, it’s just that…”
He said, “I’m sorry, but just so you know this is the first time I kissed another man since Josh too.”
I grabbed both of hands and said, “No, it’s not that. I mean, yes this is the first time since Alex, for me too. It’s just that I should probably tell you something.”
Mitch gave me a worried look as I said, “I stopped at a bar on my way from seeing Alex on the anniversary of his death…”
I wiped the tears away as I finished telling him how I woke up in the hotel room. Mitch wrapped me in a hug and said, “I am so sorry that happened to you. That really pisses me off, did you report it to the police?”
I shook my head, “No, I had no idea who the guy was, I can’t even tell you what he looked like.”
He asked, “Is that why you didn’t have a glass of wine with dinner tonight?”
I nodded, “yes, I never want to not be in control ever again.”
Mitch hugged me again, “I will never ask you to anything you don’t want to do. I’m still not sure how far I was ready to go tonight anyway. I’m still feeling a bit guilty for going on this date.”
I smiled, “I know how you feel.”
As I was staring into Mitch’s eyes, I leaned forward. This time neither of us pulled away, it felt so right. We broke our kiss and smiled at each other, Mitch said, “That was nice.”
I nodded as I put my head on his shoulder as we laid back on the couch, He wrapped his arm around me and held me close. It was just what I needed. We fell asleep and woke the next morning, neither of us had moved. It was the first time in over a year that I slept through the entire night.
***
Atta boy Jack, take things slow. The reason that you feel so safe with Mitch, is because he is a good guy. If Alex and Josh were still alive, the four of you would have been great friends. You all have caring personalities and similar goals in life. Mitch will be patient and compassionate.
Things will progress when you are both ready and when you meet each other’s family, you will only be more sure about where things are going. I won’t promise you that it will be smooth sailing, but the ship is afloat and it is certainly seaworthy.
To be Continued…
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